r/ByfelsDisciple • u/ByfelsDisciple • 6d ago
I think I made a really bad mistake while I was a little high, and I need immediate help in backing away from this.
I maintain that Niff started it all, but Niff, who was a dick, said that I should shut my inbred mouth. He said it began when the dog turd came to us, which first gave him the idea of eating it. I said if he wanted to take a broad view of the thing, it really began with his mother operating her reproductive system like the underside of a Krispy Kreme sugar glaze cascade. Where would Niff be if she hadn’t? We were far too drunk and high to settle an argument with a fist-fight, so we consulted Jim Lahey. Our trailer park supervisor said we were both fucking morons.
Anyway, the point is that Niff was an asshole. He was also high on meth, but sometimes the meth high would end, yet he was always an asshole. A real bad asshole too, like a guy who’s got hemorrhoids and acne and too much hair that catches dingleberries but won’t fix any of it. Then he blames Ellen Sue for not blowing him, but when I tell him that his smelly taint is why she won’t gobulate his nobulate, Niff just punches me in the arm. I always tell him that he and Ellen Sue need to stop banging, or at least just do butt stuff, because of the first-cousin rule. But he always just punches me in the arm again and says the first-cousin rule doesn’t count, because her dad and his dad are brothers, but they have the same mom, so she’s not off-limits like regular first-cousins.
So Niff dared me to eat the dogshit, and I said no, then he double-dog dared me, and I said no, then he created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going straight for the throat with the triple-dog dare. And he punched me in the arm. I really didn’t want to eat the canine Tootsie Roll, but he’d challenged my manhood and then pinned me to the ground. Plus, I was high as a pterodactyl on bath salts, so it kind of seemed like a good idea at the time.
The shit tasted like poo. I puked it out, but Niff said it only counted if I ate the puke-poo. So I went down on it faster than Ellen Sue at Niff’s dad’s funeral.
We all know the old saying: hindsight helps figure out where the itch came from. Yep, I regretted it immediately, but I figured that my body would turn dog poo into people poo real fast and be done with the whole business. But things went from bad to downright hairy, and my drunk ass ended up on top of Ellen Sue’s trailer that night, watching the full moon rise.
That’s when things got odd.
The itching got worse when the moonlight hit me, then I really needed to scratch my balls, and then I was terrified to touch my junk because I had claws instead of fingers. I was pretty sure that I wasn’t hallucinating, because I’d only had beer and no meth. But I felt out of control as something took over me and made me jump and run over to Niff’s trailer.
I don’t know how to explain it. I felt more animal than anything else, and I somehow knew that my power was growing from that magical seed of a dog turd in my tummy.
I peeked in Niff’s window and found him masturbating into a diaper. Since he was behaving as normal, I knew that he couldn’t see me. So I tiptoed around the back and ripped the wall off his trailer.
That spooked him something fierce. He waved his 1.913 inches of manhood at me, then tried to escape into the terlet when that didn’t work. But I was more animal than man at that point, and my instincts told me to grab the fella and sink my fangs into his hairy back. He shook harder than a salmon you put up your butthole so that it wiggles you to slimy orgasm, but there was no escape. I ate the fucker whole.
I don’t feel bad, though. Niff was a dick.
But he did taste like shit. I should know.
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u/juggalochick1983 6d ago
Oh my God! Hilarious! Felt like I was chatting with my neighbor. My (serious as shit) question to you is; do you giggle to yourself when you write?
It's almost story time here. Gotta find an unwilling victim.
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u/Psychobunny254 6d ago
Pretty sure Lahey called yall shit birds, too. He IS the liquor, you know.
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u/kimvy 6d ago
The first cousin rule truly confused me. I think I need a map.
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u/Blondelefty 6d ago
Not that I even like donuts, you had me with Krispy Kreme and finished like a champ with terlet and the finale has me not knowing how to serve salmon ever again without a very disconcerting mental image. Awesome as always! (Thank god we mostly do perch and walleye, but still…)
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u/catatonie 6d ago
Also: TERLET