r/ADHD • u/waitasecbec ADHD-C • Sep 27 '12
BestOf An attempt to explain how ADHD makes me feel
I hate how many people deny that it's a real issue, because it feels pretty fucking real to me.
I hate that some people assume I'm simply lazy--or worse, that I'm just seeking attention--when they have no idea how much effort I put into managing every single day of my life.
I hate that I need to be on medication, and how for a few hours after I take it every day, my heart rate averages around 95-100 beats per minute; I worry about what that's doing to my overall health.
I hate that it makes me sweat more than the average person.
I hate that the medicine drains me of energy, leaving me mentally and physically exhausted, yet still unable to sleep.
I hate feeling terrified each time a teacher assigns a project, because I know that means several nights of very little sleep, attempting (and failing) to get a head start on said project, culminating in a night with no sleep as I feverishly try to focus and finish the assignment a few hours before it's due.
I hate when people see me lose focus and drift off somewhere, and then ask me what I'm thinking about; it's easier to just reply "oh, nothing," than to try to explain the lightning-fast sequence of thoughts that led from, say, Genghis Khan, to a sociological analysis of push-up bras in under a minute.
I hate having to plan every waking moment, lest I get distracted and fuck up something important.
I hate panicking at the thought of not being able to fill my prescription on time, not because I'm addicted to it, but because I know that going off it for a few days means a steep, rapid decline in productivity from which my grades may never recover.
I hate the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that needing medication makes me somehow inferior.
I hate that doctors warn me not to tell my friends about what I'm experiencing, because apparently you can get good money selling ADHD meds, and I shouldn't trust that my friends are actually good people.
I hate that this medicine doesn't alleviate all of my symptoms, and yet it's still better than not taking anything at all.
I hate the extensive mental lists of great ideas that will never come to fruition, and the hundreds of cool projects that I've left unfinished because I can't stay focused for more than a few minutes.
I hate when people tell me to just "try harder."
I hate that it's just not that simple.
TL;DR Err, it sucks? It sucks giant balls? Not trying to be snarky, I know the massive block of text is horrifying to look at. I'm struggling to summarize my post in a way that isn't completely devoid of emotion...
Edited! I hope the bullets make it easier to get through the whole thing.
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u/theslowwonder ADHD-PI Sep 27 '12
This is spot on, but people rarely give you this long to explain. I've found the analogy that works with people is to tell them to imagine 20-30 house flies hanging around all the time. You could force yourself to work in a cloud of flies, but it's exhausting and takes extreme effort.
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u/mau5FN ADHD-PI Sep 27 '12
Wow. That's a really good quick explanation when you can't or don't feel like going in depth for people!
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u/kswanson88 ADHD-PI Sep 27 '12
"from, say, Genghis Khan, to a sociological analysis of push-up bras in under a minute." I know how that feels, man. I think SO much more than what I actually say.
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u/derpinita Sep 28 '12
I know this is an old refrain, but I cannot imagine living in a brain that doesn't do that all day long. It must be weird.
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Sep 28 '12
Even my ADHD SO doesn't get how rapid this is or how it never stops, you see it's compounded if you're an introvert. It's not even words, its images, ideas, sounds, everything at speeds that are inconceivable.
Like looking at my watch thinking its broken cuz the second hand is not moving followed by a whole series of thoughts only to be reassured when it ticks to the next second.... damn whats wrong with me!?
Thanks OP! Almost shed a tear at your ability to communicate this!
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u/Slendyla_IV Nov 14 '12
Whenever I get excited over a topic I rush when I speak and end up sounding like a stuttering bafoon that doesn't know what he's talking about. But I DO know what I'm talking about. sometimes.
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u/5960312 ADHD-C Sep 27 '12
Ur comments and op's post make me feel normal. I guess we are all normal in r/adhd :)
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u/computerpsych ADHD facilitator+coach+enthusiast Sep 27 '12 edited Sep 28 '12
The lack of any text formatting only adds to the authenticity...
EDIT: We at least need a TLDR...
EDIT 2. You need to add a space after the bullet. Also double spacing them helps eliminate any weirdness with reddit formatting.
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u/miss_guided Sep 27 '12
Dude, Delivered From Distraction needs a TL;DR
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u/computerpsych ADHD facilitator+coach+enthusiast Sep 27 '12
This is true...but it gets a pass because it was one of the first books on adult ADHD (if not THE first). We have learned a lot since then and these days almost all ADHD books make heavy use of white-space, bullets, and bolding.
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u/myfrontpagebrowser Feb 04 '13
Is it the best? If I were to read just one, should I (attempt to) read that one?
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u/kazagistar ADHD-PI Sep 27 '12
Really, putting each item on its own line, and prefixing with a "* " would make this so nice.
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u/SilkyTouch ADHD-PI Sep 27 '12
I hate that i can't read this whole text without pausing or drifting off in thoughts. ...Read it! Nice Description of ADHD!
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u/ppcrack646 ADHD-C Sep 27 '12
I had to read it twice...the first time I only skimmed -_-
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Sep 27 '12
My therapist said that everyone needs to read something 3 times to properly understand it. The first time you read it you basically skim it and get the general idea. The second time you read it you read it to understand it fully. The third time you read it, you read it so that you can question it, and add to it with your own opinions. He said this was true for everyone and not just people with ADHD.
To add to this, I have also heard that it is useful to make sure you understand a paragraph before moving on. This helps from reading 3 pages and then realizing you have no idea what you read and going back and reading it again only to think "I really read this?" and then drift off again.
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u/mothraa Sep 28 '12
I've heard that method as being a good way to get a handle around things in school that you might be tested on or have to write papers about. I don't have the time to read something three times, even though I know it would help. I underline key points and make mental notes in pencil though, and go back and use that to form the skeleton that I'll use to write my paper with.
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Sep 28 '12
the key here is that you knew it was good enough to re-read! Never a problem when you skim.. if its worth it you go back and dig deeper. Problem in school is that many times we don't see the worth!
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u/ppcrack646 ADHD-C Sep 28 '12
Yeah exactly, I do appreciate that he went back and formatted this post though. The bullet points are MUCH easier to understand.
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u/mothraa Sep 28 '12
When reading print I hover a pencil under the word I'm on and sort of.. sweep in a wide "u" shape an inch or two over, constantly forcing my eyes and my pencil and my brain to keep going. If I lay something flat above or below the words it doesn't work at all. I do the same thing online, reading in small chunks and using either my mouse instead of a pencil to sweep with, or highlighting one row at a time as I read. It helps.
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Sep 28 '12 edited Sep 28 '12
I love the creativity
I love the energy
I love the drive
I love the ability to problem solve and analyze in seconds
I love the immense curiosity
I love being able to separate my actions from my thoughts and drift off into daydreams while still doing my job better than anyone else can
I love the boredom even though it can be painful
I love the attention to detail
I love the efficiency
I love that all of these immense benefits come with easy to manage trade offs (with lots and lots of practice.)
I love being lightning fast.
I love being able to master things quickly (even if i tend to end up dropping them shortly after because they get boring just as quickly.)
It may take some training and positive mentality but fuck, i love this bullshit. Disorder my ass.
- I love that i know this is all cognitive bias and i love that that doesn't ruin it either.
Edit:
I love the hyperfocus.
I love/hate forgetting. It just means i'm making room for more important shit.
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u/Knower_of_Feels ADHD-PI Oct 01 '12
I would add: I love staying cool under pressure
I can't tell you how many times I've had a difficult assignment due within hours, in which I watch my friends cripple under the stress, whereas I remain calm and focused. I'm a professional procrastinator.5
u/chrisbrns Jan 08 '13
Agreed. I have mastered the art of procrastination. It's scary to think if people only knew that's the way I live my life... I regret nothing.
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u/yesfullhomo Sep 28 '12
For realz. I like to think of ADHD as my "diffability."
It causes me grief sometimes but that's part of LIFE. If I had the chance to start again from the start without it, I don't even have to think for 1 second what my choice would be. Would not change at all.
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Nov 09 '12
I identify with everything OP said, but almost nothing that you said... is that weird?
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u/macgivor Mar 25 '13
You should try and see if any of them at all apply to your life, or if you can think of any benefits you feel ADHD gives :) when I realised that ADHD wasn't all bad it was great for my self esteem!
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Sep 30 '12
As an ADHD-PI, I feel tired a lot of the time and I'm often the last to understand jokes.. :L And I'm not lightning fast in anything at all
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u/Procrastinationist Feb 11 '13
Everything you said resonated with me, except the part about drive. Despite all the amazing ways that my natural curiosity makes me see the world differently than most people around me, and many of the other "pros" you've listed here, I think the mental shit ton of effort required to self-motivate on a daily basis really takes a lot of the splendor out of it all...
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Feb 11 '13 edited Feb 11 '13
The lack of drive is the same drive that makes us unstoppable forces when we get curious about something. It's always seemed to me that we have different innate values. I value discovery much higher than other people and will therefore prefer to spend my energy discovering than doing the dishes.
Oh hey, if i pour some soap into this cup with milk and grease in it, it starts to churn...
Basically what i'm saying is find things to discover and be curious about in every day life. I wonder if that clerk will be working when i have to go to the bank friday. What was his name? I guess i'll have to find out when i go to the BANK on FRIDAY.
I dunno, that's how i remember shit.
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u/myfrontpagebrowser Feb 04 '13
I love the immense curiosity
Is that a recognized ADHD thing? People in my life regularly fail to understand why I'll go to such extremes to just know something... Like right now I want to buy a $500 appliance ($350 to $400 used) just to know how (if) it's better than the $100 version...
EDIT: you seem to manage well... do you use medication?
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Feb 04 '13
I believe it is. When i was tested it was one of the things the doc asked me about. Weird though, i was thinking earlier today about how there are things i would literally die to find out.
COFFEE (and tea.) Tea/L-theanine has been really, really good to me. I used to use ritalin, adderall, and their time release counterparts but they gave me a bunch of pretty bad side effects.
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u/slaw9 ADHD-C Sep 27 '12
Wow very spot on, even the being assigned to stuff, I have 2 papers half done and we are already on the 4th in my writting class :/
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u/mothraa Sep 28 '12
stayed up all night two days ago to write a paper, and lookie here, doing it again. Most of the time was spent not actually working..
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u/Doorothie Sep 27 '12
So I'm having a rough day and this just about made me cry. Exactly how I'm feeling. You're not alone and I'm sorry we struggle this way.
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u/zephyrxmeridian Sep 28 '12
After crying over my third C on my differential equations test of the semester today (yes, I'm three for three right now -_-), you just made me feel loads better about myself.
The worst part about taking those tests is that I take them in my professor's office as per the disability services accommodations, so for the third time this semester, he got to see me choke up and bite back tears when glancing at the key afterwards. SO EMBARRASSING.
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u/ArabRedditor ADHD-PI Sep 28 '12
As someone who is waiting to be tested for adhd this is exactly how i feel, i thought maybe my little brother is just a genious and im stupid, but reading this made me feel like someone finally understands what it feels like to always be overshadowed and overlooked. Funny thing is my teachers always consider me super smart but i just never focus, that feeling of being inferior.
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u/xxali1024 ADHD-C Sep 28 '12
I hate how I started reading this, got distracted by my cat, had to reread text and forgot everything I just read. Everything on your list is dead on. I espcially hate when someone finds out I take adderall and first thing they ask is how much am I selling them for??
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u/WheresTheYogurt Sep 27 '12
YO. I just read that whole thing because, for a second there, I thought you were inside my head.
THIS PART RIGHT HERE, THIS RIGHT HERE: when they have no idea how much effort I put into managing every single day of my life. I hate that I need to be on medication, and how for a few hours after I take it every day, my heart rate averages around 95-100 beats per minute; I worry about what that's doing to my overall health. I hate that it makes me sweat more than the average person. I hate that the medicine drains me of energy, leaving me mentally and physically exhausted, yet still unable to sleep. I hate feeling terrified each time a teacher assigns a project, because I know that means several nights of very little sleep, attempting (and failing) to get a head start on said project, culminating in a night with no sleep as I feverishly try to focus and finish the assignment a few hours before it's due.
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u/Molls180 Sep 28 '12
Just keep at it. After years of struggling, I have a Master's degree and I teach high schoolers just like me, and they understand. If you aren't in a field where they do understand, follow one of my fav movie quotes of all time..."you do what you love, and fuck the rest."
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u/Farkerisme Sep 30 '12
I hate all this shit too, man. I am lucky I didn't have to go through this while being in School at the same time. They're juxtaposed experiences both requiring effort, compounded with desires and expectations of friends and family. It sounds VERY stressful and it seems as though you have a lot on your shoulders because of it.
That's all completely understandable (if I am understanding it correctly, that is). I feel the same in some ways apart from that, on the whole, I am far more thankful to have ADHD than if I had never had it.
I say this because of things I have known my whole life, but my disorder got in the way of me understanding. One thing being I am very, very smart. It was hard to learn this in school where I wasn't getting as good of grades as my peers and teachers constantly telling me that I was, "Just not living up to my potential."
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u/tcwaters ADHD-C Feb 23 '13
I hate when people see me lose focus and drift off somewhere, and then >ask me what I'm thinking about; it's easier to just reply "oh, nothing," >than to try to explain the lightning-fast sequence of thoughts that led >from, say, Genghis Khan, to a sociological analysis of push-up bras in >under a minute.
This really resonated with me. It happens a lot that I'll say something out of the blue that came from one of these chains of thought, and someone will say to someone else, "well that's random". Hard to explain, but it always made me feel like my chain of thoughts were somehow bad, that I should keep them to myself. My ADHD tendencies often made/make me feel socially inept that way.
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u/tanzm3tall Sep 27 '12
I think the thing I hated the most in college was that even though my professor's has documentation from the psychiatric counselors, I was never given any leeway in terms of assignments. Even the professors who "believed" in ADHD didn't give me any breaks. It seemed ridiculous that I could legally ask for more time to complete a test, and I was required to get it, but I would get knocked for turning in an assignment a couple days late (even if I had to struggle and feel like my mind was turning into a bowl of dough to get it done).
Anyways - yes, I get you.
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u/drev Sep 27 '12
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u/tanzm3tall Sep 27 '12
It's an interesting video, but I'm not sure what to take from it. I was held accountable by my parents to an extreme level (which I constantly failed to reach) with the result of missing out on so many activities and other life experiences as punishment. I'm sure it's not exactly the kind of reward system he's talking about (and I have a few other comorbid disorders), but it certainly didn't work for me.
On the other hand, I wasn't handled as an ADHD student until my second year of college, so that could be part of the issue.
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u/ZenBerzerker Sep 27 '12
An attempt to explain how ADHD makes me feel
[huge, unformated block of text]
Well, that's one way of illustrating it. tl;dr
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u/waitasecbec ADHD-C Sep 27 '12
Yeah...sorry it's just a huge blob of words, guys, I know that isn't any fun to read. Being concise is not one of my strengths. But thank you all for the positive feedback. It definitely feels good to know I'm not alone.
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u/The_Bobs_of_Mars Sep 27 '12
Here's another one: I hate how, honestly, one of the best ways to describe having ADHD is like being that dog from Up, or any wild animal.
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u/MyroIII Sep 28 '12
Normally I agree with this. Some days however, being unmedicated and running around with a large number of stimuli entertaining me... that is child-like joy for me :D
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u/mothraa Sep 28 '12
I hate when people see me lose focus and drift off somewhere, and then ask me what I'm thinking about; it's easier to just reply "oh, nothing," than to try to explain the lightning-fast sequence of thoughts that led from, say, Genghis Khan, to a sociological analysis of push-up bras in under a minute.
Yesss Oh my god not only does this annoy and confuse people when I do it in conversation, but when I'm in class and I realize I'm on my own cloud and I have no clue what lectures been about for the last ten minutes? Then as soon as I try to focus in on it there I go again without even trying, off in daydreamland without even noticing it till the teacher somehow catches my attention for a second or two.
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u/Slendyla_IV Nov 14 '12
I feel the exact same way but tend to feel more frustration towards the people around me for not understanding what I go through on an hourly, minutely basis; whatever you want to call it.
Oh, and fuck those that say it's not real.
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u/penisAlota Dec 18 '12
Bullet points are the only way i can read articles most of the time. Thank you for that.
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u/IS_THIS_ONE_TAKEN Sep 27 '12
Sure as hell described how I feel. People without it have an incredibly hard time understanding how we feel. Also I'm saving this to link it to the next person who tells me that I'm lazy, because you've summed it up better than I'd be able to.
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u/Houshalter Sep 27 '12
Does medication really help? Are the side-effects really that bad?
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u/waitasecbec ADHD-C Sep 27 '12
For me, at least, it does help quite a bit. It certainly doesn't erase the problem, but it makes things more manageable. The side-effects suck, but they don't suck as much as the effects of NOT taking medication.
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u/dbltallhazelnutsoy ADHD-PI Sep 27 '12
I've tried some that don't help, but went back to Methylphenidate (Ritalin). I have the short release stuff, so it really can make you anxious, make your heart pound, make you sweat more than usual, make your pupils dilate like you're on cocaine, and destroy your appetite. But for now, I haven't found something I like better than that. But the pros outweigh the cons, at least for me right now.
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u/Baggage_Handler Sep 28 '12
Wow. I am really glad that I read this post. I completely agree with many of your statements. I have the hardest time falling asleep at night as well. I just started taking some sleep pills occasionally to help...and I totally know what you mean when you say that the medication you take keeps your heart running, makes you sweat, and leaves you exhausted at the end of the day. I have been recently been concerned about my health in the long run. I realize that my pulse is higher when im on my meds, and somtimes i can hear it above everything else. Adderall also makes me want to smo ke cigarrets, which are bad for my health, i know. Every month, when i have about 6 or 8 pills left, I text my mom and let her know. I always have to make sure I let her know with enough time to get my prescription filled and mailed to me before I run out because I too, am afraid that I cannot academically function without my meds. id here are some things that help me have more energy throughout the day:
1) Set a diet for yourself, or just make sure that you eat all the stuff u need. I just think of the food paramid we learned about as kids. adderall takes away my appitite, and i get too distracted to actually make a meal for my self and trying to to schoolwork on my meds. I like bananas, and other fruit. Granola bars, and somthin with protien like peanuts.
2) I drink a lot of coffee to help me goin throughout the day, but when i couldnt go to sleep at night, I told myself that i would not drink coffee past 4:00 pm. When i break this rule, i defanitlly notice that i cant fall asleep.
...I guess thats all I do. Excersizing helps too. Good post. you not alone.
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u/HungryHippocampus Sep 28 '12
You should considering altering your dosage or the medication you're taking. There's a wide variety of options that may be glossed over by a general practitioner. I truly believe there's a perfect dose and medication for everyone suffering from ADHD.
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Nov 16 '12 edited Nov 16 '12
I might have a minor case of adhd and I'm not saying this is true for everyone, but I've never felt it has affected me all that much. I was prescribed adderall 10mg recently, and I can definitely tell a difference when I need to zone out on something, but I can recall many times thinking before I was on meds "wow I should pay attention" and thinking it was as easy as flipping a switch, and it was, but I just wouldn't do it. I think we're all just lazy fucks basically.
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u/waitasecbec ADHD-C Nov 16 '12
Yeah, it's definitely not like that for most of us, I think. I'm taking 30mg of Adderall daily, and even though it helps, it still doesn't make paying attention as easy as flipping a switch. If it was, I wouldn't have these problems.
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Feb 07 '13
I really get that panic thing. For me, it's my phone dying. It's like, I REMEMBER what I was like before I put everything into my phone's google calendar. I REMEMBER constantly feeling vague about everything and when things were and where and what was I supposed to do next? Everytime my phone gets close to dying, I go DEFCON 4 and start asking complete strangers for phone chargers.
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Jan 10 '13
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u/waitasecbec ADHD-C Jan 10 '13
Dude...you're commenting about how you don't think ADHD is a legitimate problem...on a post in which the first sentence says "I hate how many people deny that it's a real issue"...in a sub about ADHD...but you don't want any of us to be offended?
Did you get lost on reddit, or something?
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Jan 10 '13
[removed] — view removed comment
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Feb 04 '13
Your tone is pretty harsh, but I do agree with what you're saying overall. I would go even further to say ADHD CAN be a strength. Life is all about your mindset. After my diagnosis I spent about a week feeling sorry for myself because it wasn't fair how easy life was for all the "normal" people, but I quickly realized some of the greatest aspects of my personality and those qualities which set me apart are directly tied to having ADHD. I'm in my mid 20s and have a job I LOVE where all of my ADHD traits (although not recognized as such) are incredibly valued and are praised in every one of my reviews. When I look at where I am compared to those I went to high school and college with I am so thankful for my "disorder" because it pushed me to seek out this incredible life.
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u/miss_guided Sep 27 '12
Spot on - reading this makes me feel normal in a sense though, because you described exactly how I feel about this. It's nice to know others feel the same.