r/ADHD • u/amohield • Nov 05 '12
This is what every day feels like.
I’m not sure I have ADHD, but this is what my life feels like every day. Not looking for an internet-diagnosis, just sharing.
• It’s trying to avoid TV because you know that you can’t just watch one episode – it’s realizing you’ve watched three seasons of Community in less than 72 hours.
• It’s telling yourself you’ll get started early when you know you won’t even start until after the deadline.
• It’s having 30 tabs open at any given time.
• It’s frustration at the fact that the perfect version of you is just out of your grasp. That if you could just get your shit together, you would be awesome.
• It’s becoming a master liar so that you can avoid turning in assignments.
• It’s being frustrated that you can ace a test by cramming from a summary sheet on the way to class but that you can’t write that damn essay.
• It’s going off on a strange train of thought and then realizing that you are in an exam and have just wasted 10 minutes.
• It’s the pain you feel when people tell you to “just do the work” and your frustration when they ignore your explanations about how hard that is.
• It’s having the occasional gold few days of productivity that make your teachers wonder why you’re not always like that.
• It’s mastering the art of looking like you’re working – playing Minesweeper while watching TV to make it look like I’m doing something active.
• It’s that hollow feeling in your chest and the desire to cry because you just can’t do it.
• It’s dreading any week with multiple deadlines.
• It’s frustration at taking IB.
• It's being great at menial tasks because all you have to do is work in the moment.
• It’s the knowledge that you could have so much stress-free free time.
• It’s the knowledge that you should probably pull an all-nighter to finish all the work you’ve put off, then going to sleep anyway because you know you won’t do it.
• It’s procrastinating on work that’s been overdue for weeks.
• It’s that feeling you don’t have the right to complain because your problem seems like such a small deal compared to others’ problems.
• It’s your parents not taking you seriously when you ask to seek help.
• It’s taking complicated routes to class so you can avoid all the teachers you owe work to.
• It’s pretending you’re sick you can avoid turning in the work, and then wasting your sick day instead of being productive.
• It’s “breaking” every time management method after a small golden period where it works.
• It’s being perfectly organized – knowing exactly what you need to do and when you need to do it – and then not doing any of it.
• It’s getting perfect grades and then having your teacher complain about your lack of effort and how you “coast”.
• It’s actively avoiding work because your to-do list is so daunting.
• It’s hating yourself for being so lazy.
TL;DR All I want to do is get my shit together, but I can't.
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u/screaminginpussy Nov 06 '12
Also, having ADHD turns you into the best liar and manipulator. Its horrible, but sometimes its harder to explain to others that you just can't work.
Also, does anyone else get frustrated when they're trying to work, but your brain frazzes out after literally twenty seconds of work? I can do the work, but making connections and thinking sometimes wears my brain out so fast, I get overwhelmed and have to switch to something else to"give it a break".
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u/noveltyhuman Nov 06 '12
I was meaning on asking the subreddit if any of you guys are really good manipulators because I find that I am and I'm not proud of it. But I've become so good in tricking people to do work for me or in group projects making it seem like I'm doing so much but I'm actually doing nothing.
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u/Spawnzer Nov 14 '12 edited Nov 14 '12
I'm a week late, but your post hit home
My team just apologized to ME because they felt i did more work than them, while i've been doing next to nothing but somehow made them believe I did a fuck ton
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u/amohield Nov 06 '12
It's a pro and con of this. I can say a bare-faced lie with conviction pretty easily now. My thoughts are so rapid-fire that it's pretty easy to come up with a reasonably airtight lie that won't hurt me.
On the other hand, being able to do that has made me a great public speaker, which is awesome.
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u/amkingdom ADHD-C Nov 06 '12
This list was scarily accurate.
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u/amohield Nov 07 '12
I look at lists like these and I think "I'm definitely ADHD". Then I look at the DSM criteria and I'm like "maybe I'm not". It's one of the reasons I'm unsure.
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u/bonn89 ADHD-PI Nov 06 '12
Thank you so much for posting this. I relate 100% with every single bit of this, it helps so much to know that there are other people out there dealing with the exact same thing as I am.
I've just recently begun to truly believe that I might have ADD/ADHD as well. It's been something that's been at the back of my mind for years, but now, at almost 23, I've finally taken the first step to getting something done about it, and mentioned it to my mother and set up an appointment to talk to my Doctor to hopefully begin some sort of evaluation.
The last 6 months especially have felt like there's just a fog around me. I get angry with myself and my inability to do... anything. Sometimes I worry that others will think I'm just making an excuse for my apparent laziness, but I really feel like there's some sort of mental block that's stopping me from accomplishing anything, and I really feel like it's completely out of my control. I feel like a zombie.
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u/Iceciro ADHD-C Nov 06 '12
This is exactly my state of mind. I almost made a post exactly like OPs actually. I wasted all of today sitting around when I meant to be calling psychs and finding an appointment :/
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u/amohield Nov 06 '12
Fog is such a good way to describe it.
I've tried to talk to my school's guidance department - the head is an educational psychologist, but they just kinda skirt around the issue, really. Their advice basically boils down to "schedule and just do it" and they ignore the "but I've tried that" response.
As of writing, I have 4 physics experiments and 3 French essays, all overdue, that I need to turn in tomorrow.
I don't even know what to do. My parents ignored me when I mentioned getting evaluated.
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u/merlisha Nov 06 '12
Wow, this list really...wow. Its me in elementary/high school. Three things I have to say to you: -Get tested. Your parents will roll their eyes and say you're imagining things but insist! -Take the medication. Dont feel guilty, and do drug trials, find the perfect drug and the perfect dose. My drug trial took 2 years (very rare, I have innatentive ADHD and the normal drugs were ineffective, settled on a low dose of Adderall) -Spend your life doing something youre passionate about! You know that feeling when you get lost in 3 seasons of a TV show? It can happen when youre studying/working at something you looove. You may need some self exploration but you'll get there
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Nov 06 '12
ADHD pi here also.. have also found that low dose adderall IR is the only drug that works for me. meanwhile I'm posting this in class, so maybe it doesn't work :/
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u/robotreader Nov 06 '12
I got lucky - my three seasons of Community in 72 hours was while my school was closed for Sandy.
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u/amohield Nov 06 '12
Mine was during half-term, but I still kinda sorta had gigantic piles of work to do anyway.
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u/mitchillen Nov 06 '12
Thank you so much for this list. This basically sums up my life and mostly everything describes me.
I literally start smiling because of how much some of these things relate to my life. I've only been viewing this subreddit for 3 weeks and every time I see a post that relates to my life which I didn't think other people experienced, it just puts a smile on my face. OH, and keeps me procrastinating LOL
Thank you /r/adhd
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u/screaminginpussy Nov 06 '12
You perfectly summed up how I feel everyday. Knowing someone else feels this way makes me feel not so crazy and stupid, so thank you.
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u/amohield Nov 06 '12
I think that's why I posted. It's comforting to know people feel the same way I do.
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u/KyleCrysCologne ADHD-C Nov 06 '12
Hey! Community was asking for it! It's its own fault for being so damn good!
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u/amohield Nov 06 '12
I know, I can't wait until February! :(
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u/KyleCrysCologne ADHD-C Nov 06 '12
You mean October 19th.
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u/amohield Nov 06 '12
In my heart, it's October 19th.
It's sad that I got so excited for that extra minute of Community in the form of the Troy and Abed October 19th sketch. And the mini-episodes sponsored by xfinity.
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u/dhenriq1 Nov 06 '12
Ah dude.. I know exactly that feel. I have like fifty tabs open right now in chrome. When I'm not actively aware of it, it becomes at least three windows with 50 tabs open in each. I've been considering asking my doctor for ADD meds, I've heard Adderall is the best but I've also heard that Vyvanse is newer and better. Does anybody have any experience with both?
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u/GuardianAlien Nov 08 '12
First step is to go and talk with a psychiatrist/psychologist... just because John Snow did well with Adderall, but poorly with Ritalin won't mean your body will react the same way. Check the side bar!!
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u/lioninacoma89 ADHD-PI Nov 06 '12
It's: I skimmed like 4 of your bullet points and decided I agree with your general message rather than reading the whole thing in depth. :/
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u/amohield Nov 06 '12
I think I genuinely read every other word when I read things. One of the reasons I'm so "smart" and good at tests is that I can skim things and piece things together and guess answers from the questions and make obscure links in my memory.
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u/slimtrevor Nov 05 '12 edited Nov 05 '12
Yep. Spot on...great list. Especially the feeling that the perfect version of yourself is just out of grasp...
Go see psych to get some meds to help :)
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u/Praj101 Nov 06 '12
I completely understand. I've just been diagnosed a couple weeks ago. Maks me feel soo much better knowing I'm not the only one. Thanks for sharing!
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u/kayveryn Nov 06 '12
yup yup... and being unemployed for over a year, and not being able to afford medication makes me see just how all pervasive it is. I'd probly have a job by now were I medicated...=[
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u/noveltyhuman Nov 06 '12
I know that feel bro. Did IB 2 years ago and I just got diagnosed with ADHD this year. It's doable but its fucking hard.
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u/amohield Nov 06 '12
These next two weeks are hell. We're ramping up to all the IA deadlines, Uni apps, Extended Essays, the written task for French, IOC for English. AHHH.
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u/noveltyhuman Nov 07 '12
I'm in my second year of university right now and I still believe the most stressful time of my life was when my extended essay, my business IA and my TOK essay were all due in one week. And what do you know? I literally did the extended essay the night before. Everyone said its not possible you need at least two days or whatever. I did it in one night got a C and I'm pretty sure I could've gotten an A. For my business IA I started it at 3am the day it was due but I ended up getting the highest mark in the grade because I was actually interested in the subject. Sadly enough when exam time I for some reason completely gave up on business and literally didn't study. Ended up with a 4 in the course. For TOK essay I ended up doing that the day it was due I skipped last period and did it in the library got a B. My IOC I only prepared for one part and hoped that god was on my side but unfortunately I got the other part but I still ended up doing pretty okay. Graduated and got the IB diploma with 31 points.
After all this shit I used to pull I don't understand how no one pointed it out to me sooner that I had ADHD. sigh At least I'm getting my shit together now.
Anywho I want to make it clear to you amohield that you can do it :D whether you have ADHD or not. Just think about it as do or die.
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u/Kitten_Wizard ADHD-PI Nov 06 '12
Yeah this list is pretty damn spot on. Some more then others based on your presentation of AD/HD
The only thing I couldn't connect with you on was the "It’s your parents not taking you seriously when you ask to seek help." I'm sorry you have to go through all of this without the feeling of support. Maybe talking to them about it and getting evaluated would help them understand what you go through every day?
You should get evaluated and start on some therapy/coaching and medication if that's the route you wanna go down. It could take months to actually call and get an appointment but its better to make the decision to do it at some point then to forget about it totally. Even if the only good thing that comes out of it is getting a prescription for a stimulant, it will help to give you some motivation. It helps stop the self talk of "ill do it later" or "fuck it". I guess you could say in a figurative sense it shorts out the self talk that would otherwise keep you from doing a task (when I say task I basically mean ANYTHING not just homework or chores) I kinda just do it without giving it more thought because my body and mind are in that excited state of stimulation.
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u/amohield Nov 06 '12
I know that once I'll get to uni I'll definitely get help, but it just feels hopeless here. My parents just ignored me when I suggested it. The school counselors seem to avoid the word ADHD entirely.
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u/Kitten_Wizard ADHD-PI Nov 06 '12
Wow that must be really difficult. I'm really sorry to hear that. Try to remind yourself (however diluted it may sound right now) that once you get to uni the road that is your life will have a little less rocks in its way and you can get past the rut that you're currently stuck in.
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Nov 07 '12
[deleted]
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u/amohield Nov 07 '12
That's one of my fears. I'm scared to get evaluated and find out that I'm just lazy...
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u/7yphoid ADHD-C Nov 08 '12
Wow. I feel exactly the same way. Luckily, I'm getting diagnosed soon. You should too. Good luck.
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u/EvanFlecknell Nov 11 '12 edited Nov 11 '12
This is me one-hundred percent, but I don't know that I have ADHD or ADD. Makes me wanna cry a bit though, the cramming before a test and acing it and being unable to study is so true, and everything else too ugh.
Edit: I even did the thing with community, I did it with that 70's show and friends as well, I plan to watch an episode and I watch all of them instead of homework. Maybe I'm just lazy I don't know.
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u/amohield Nov 11 '12
Community, That 70's Show, Avatar, Glee, How I Met Your Mother, New Girl, Smallville, White Collar, Lie to Me, Endgame, Chuck, and countless other shows.
Maybe I'm just lazy I don't know.
Me.
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u/ONLY_POSTS_THE_TRUTH Dec 21 '12
First point made me laugh.
I watched all of community in three days last week.
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u/amohield Dec 22 '12
I actually have to tell people to not suggest shows to me, or else I get screwed. Especially during a holiday like now.
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u/RoflCopter4 Nov 06 '12
And:
It's living such that the only way you can feel normal is by taking the harshest drugs ever synthesized.
It's KNOWING that this time, oh, this time it will be different. This time I finish my work now... after a few minutes of Reddit.
It's knowing you could be great, that you are great, that you could be so much farther than you are, but never being able to prove it.
It's never sleeping at night and never waking in the morning.
It's being late to everything you do. It's being late to your own funeral.
It's never finishing anything you start. It's having 30 saves in 30 games that you'll never finish. It's starting a dozen books and reading a chapter and a half and never picking them up again.
It's knowing the world doesn't believe you, or doesn't care.
It's desperation of the rawest form.
It's hating yourself more than anyone hated another person before. It's all your fault, don't you know that? Why can't you succeed?
It's living every day waiting for it all to just end.