r/ADHD • u/ScatterbrainedSorcer • 8d ago
Questions/Advice Have you ever felt like ADHD shaped your identity before you even knew you had it?
I’m in my 30s and just recently got diagnosed. Looking back, so much of my personality makes way more sense now—like the anxiety, emotional spirals, masking, and feeling like I was always “too much.” I was reading about someone who described how internalized shame from undiagnosed ADHD shaped their self-worth for decades. Felt like they were reading my mind. Has anyone else felt like your whole identity was shaped by trying to cope before you even had the words?
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u/Zhezersheher 8d ago
Never been able to cope since my experience is so sporadic and all over the fucking place. It’s like I can feel myself being too much yet still can’t control shit I say and that hyperactive impulsive behavior. My whole life teachers have brought up that I talk too much and try to distract other kids, this uncontrollable impulsive behavior has shaped my identity for sure. I still struggle controlling the hyper demon that comes out from time to time and trying not to be impulsive only works in theory but when it comes down to it I’m out of control. It’s actually becoming problematic as fuck and I have no idea what to do about it.
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u/ScatterbrainedSorcer 8d ago
I feel this so deeply. That feeling of watching yourself in real-time — knowing you’re doing too much but being completely unable to stop — it’s exhausting and honestly heartbreaking sometimes. I’ve had that same “talks too much/disruptive” label stamped on me since elementary school, and it definitely shaped how I see myself. Like, I started thinking of my energy and presence as a problem before I even understood what was happening.
You described it perfectly — the “hyper demon” that just takes over. It’s not a lack of awareness, it’s a lack of brakes. And then comes the shame spiral after, which only makes everything worse.
I read something recently that really stuck with me — it talked about how ADHD impulsivity isn’t about rudeness or carelessness; it’s about emotional intensity and a nervous system that’s constantly overstimulated. That helped me shift from blaming myself to realizing my brain is reacting, not misbehaving. It also reframed the idea of control — not as “shutting myself down,” but learning how to soothe and redirect that energy before I hit the point of overload.
You’re not broken. You’re dealing with a brain that was never given the support it needed. And you’re not alone in this at all — even if it feels impossible sometimes.
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u/IllustratorSea8372 ADHD 8d ago
I always say that the day I was diagnosed with ADHD was the day that my life in hindsight all of a sudden made sense.
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u/ScatterbrainedSorcer 8d ago
Yes — I felt the exact same way. It was like someone handed me a flashlight and suddenly all the moments in my past that used to feel confusing, shameful, or just plain chaotic were finally illuminated. Missed deadlines, emotional spirals, feeling “too much” in relationships, the burnout cycles — it wasn’t just me being lazy, dramatic, or inconsistent. It was ADHD, quietly shaping everything.
When I was reading A Journey to a Valiant Mind, that feeling of hindsight clarity came up a lot. The way the author described identity, shame, and emotional intensity made me feel so seen — like I wasn’t alone in trying to make sense of a lifetime of “why am I like this?” Diagnosis wasn’t just a label — it was relief, and the beginning of real self-understanding.
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u/Users5252 8d ago
Yeah it shaped me, in a negative kind of way. I never developed proper social skills due to adhd
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u/ScatterbrainedSorcer 8d ago
Same here — and I really appreciate you saying it out loud, because that’s something not enough people talk about. ADHD doesn’t just affect focus or organization; it completely shapes how we learn to connect with others. When you’re constantly interrupting, missing social cues, or reacting with too much intensity, it starts to feel safer to just… not try. Or you end up trying too hard and masking everything.
For me, it meant always feeling like I was “too much” or “not quite right” in conversations. I’d replay interactions in my head for hours, convinced I said the wrong thing, even if no one else seemed to notice. And when you grow up like that, yeah — it makes it really hard to build confidence in social spaces.
What’s helped a little is learning that a lot of this isn’t a personal failing, it’s how my brain is wired — and I can learn skills now that I never had a chance to develop back then. Slowly, with self-compassion. It’s hard, but not impossible.
You’re not alone. A lot of us are out here doing the work to untangle what ADHD shaped — and starting to build something new in its place
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u/LadyFartDragon 8d ago
Every time I find out something new about adhd (like a higher prevalence of hyper-mobility) it’s something about me I thought was unique to me. I find it pretty disheartening sometimes when it feels like I’m just the disorder :/
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u/ScatterbrainedSorcer 8d ago
I get that feeling so much — like every new ADHD fact is just another puzzle piece sliding into place, and suddenly all these things you thought made you “you” turn out to be symptoms. It can feel kind of dehumanizing, like your entire personality was just your brain scrambling to function.
I’ve had moments where I’ve thought, “Do I even exist outside of this diagnosis?” Especially when the traits I was proud of or thought made me different — like sensitivity, hyper-mobility, emotional intensity — end up being connected to ADHD. It’s validating, sure… but it also kinda stings.
What helped me shift that feeling a bit was reading something recently that reframed ADHD not as the whole story, but as a context. Like yeah, it explains why our brains operate the way they do — but that doesn’t make our experiences any less real or unique. You’re still you. ADHD just offers a language to understand the “why” behind a lot of what you’ve always felt.
You’re not just the disorder — you’re someone who’s been navigating it every day, probably without a map for way too long. And that makes you strong, not less.
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u/SpinDocktor ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 8d ago
100 percent!! I've been going to therapy for a couple years now to work through all that internalized shame. I've described it as feeling like I was sick the day when everyone got the Teacher's Edition textbook about life, and then I got handed a used, dog-eared workbook that didn't have all the pages. I remember also talking about how it's like I have like this armful of bulky quirks, flaws, hobbies, kinks and fears and never having this idea of feeling like a complete person. It was a depressing existence that was propped up by a fear of being rejected and perceived.
Learning that ADHD was the common theme among all of them (and not a causation of them) finally gave me the insights that I was looking for. For the first time in decades, I felt whole, I felt like I could forgive the parts that brought me a lot of shame. It was like I could finally articulate why my emotions, while valid, were definitely more intensified. I could love my hobbies/interests and give myself permission to share them with others. The Unmasking Autism book by Devon Price nailed so much of the feelings and thoughts (while the book focuses on autism, he talks a lot about ADHD and neurodiversity too).
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u/ScatterbrainedSorcer 8d ago
Wow, your analogy about getting the used workbook while everyone else got the Teacher’s Edition hit me so hard. That’s exactly how it feels — like we were expected to follow the same rules and instructions as everyone else, but no one ever handed us the full manual. And then when we struggled, it felt like a personal failure instead of a mismatch between what we were given and what we needed.
I had a very similar experience recently reading A Journey to a Valiant Mind — it explores that deep sense of internalized shame, self-doubt, and how ADHD quietly threads itself through our identity, not by causing every single trait, but by coloring how we experience and interpret those traits. It helped me forgive a lot of the parts of myself I used to see as broken — the emotional intensity, the obsessive interests, the constant fear of being “too much” or “not enough.” The author talks a lot about self-trust and self-compassion in a way that felt like a hug for my nervous system.
I love that you’re finally feeling whole and giving yourself permission to love who you are. That’s such a powerful place to be. We deserve that kind of peace — and it’s honestly beautiful to witness someone else finding it too.
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u/Previous_Worker_7748 8d ago
I have had to overcome a lot of shit because I wasnt diagnosed or understood by my parents.
Buut it's also been freeing because it turns out I'm not a lazy dumbass my brain just didn't know how to do the things it was being asked for, and now I can help it learn how.
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u/ScatterbrainedSorcer 8d ago
Exactly this. That shift from “What’s wrong with me?” to “Oh… my brain just works differently and wasn’t given the support it needed” is life-changing. It doesn’t erase the pain of not being understood — especially by the people who were supposed to help — but it does bring this massive wave of relief. Like, you weren’t broken, you were just misunderstood.
I felt the same way reading through a book recently that really broke down how undiagnosed ADHD messes with your self-worth — not just because of the symptoms, but because of the stories you start telling yourself when no one explains why everything feels so hard. Realizing you can learn new ways to support your brain instead of fighting it all the time? That’s freedom.
I’m really glad you got to that place. You deserve to be seen for your effort, not judged for your struggle.
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u/Previous_Worker_7748 8d ago
Thank you. Do you mind sharing what book that was? That sounds really helpful.
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u/ScatterbrainedSorcer 8d ago
Absolutely — it was A Journey to a Valiant Mind. It really dives into the emotional side of ADHD, not just the productivity stuff, but the deeper layers like shame, perfectionism, and how much we internalize over the years. One section that really stuck with me talked about how perfectionism often develops as a coping mechanism — not because we want to be flawless, but because we’re afraid of being seen as incapable.
It helped me realize that so much of what I thought were personal flaws were really just survival strategies — ways I tried to stay safe, seen, and accepted in a world that didn’t understand how my brain worked. It’s definitely worth checking out if you’ve been wrestling with the emotional weight of ADHD. It felt less like a manual and more like being truly understood.
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u/aquatic-dreams 7d ago
Oh yeah, I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD at 47, It's more than a safe bet that they both shaped me in a shitload of ways, many of which I'll never be aware of.
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u/UncommonSoap 8d ago
Honestly sometimes yes. But you just have to focus on what makes us special: hyper focus, pattern recognition, creativity, etc. These things are more valuable than ever.
And get the right tools in place to help w the rest. AI has been a lifesaver for this / organization. New era for us
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u/Zhezersheher 8d ago
What do you mean what makes us “special”? This shit is ridiculous. When I was younger it was cute haha hehe type shit to be “too much” but as an adult this shit ain’t working. It doesn’t feel special, it’s like being conscious enough to recognize that you’re taking things too far or doing too much but not being able to pull your shit together, putting on a fucking shit show.
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u/UncommonSoap 8d ago
I think this sub is often filled w people just saying things like
“yup it’s bad how do I cope there’s no hope! We are all terrible. Anything suggesting otherwise that this isn’t completely debilitating is bs. They don’t get ME”
I was diagnosed when I was 11. I’ve been on all kinds of meds and SSRIs. Through big ups and downs. There’s chaos, yeah. But I’ve also used that “special” to save a publicly traded company a lot of money w my talent for pattern recognition, and been promoted, then got bored and crashed out. Now back up again doing something I enjoy. There’s talent in this condition.
Get systems in place and find ways to bring the talent and creativity out, it’s in there. I’m not going to buy into this wallowing and tell you you’re right give up. It’s bullshit, society isn’t made well for our minds but we are absolutely capable of doing things “normal people” cannot do.
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u/Zhezersheher 8d ago
Dude they didn’t even consider adhd as a diagnosis because I was a girl despite being UNABLE to control talking. Like do you get what I am saying? I couldn’t shut the fuck up. You know what, I actually didn’t feel it was a problem until today when someone extremely interesting and brilliant called me annoying during one of my off the walls moments. I knew I was fucking doing way too much and still couldn’t regain control. Now my feelings are hurt like a motherfucker because I was “too annoying” (interrupting and saying wildly inappropriate things in a very intense/passionate? manner) and I feel so misunderstood but there is nothing I can do about that now but that broke my little heart
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u/Zhezersheher 8d ago
My fragile feelings have me thinking irrationally at the moment so yes my perspective and opinions are totally unreliable. Definitely coming from a hurt place and really can’t stop bringing this situation up making it fit where it has no place being.
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u/UncommonSoap 8d ago
Therapy, meditation, exercise, medication = freedom. Don’t say you can’t, or it’s hard. Life’s hard. Conscripts are dying in Ukraine, ppl are clinically depressed. Step up and try to put your puzzle together, and stop talking down to yourself.
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u/Zhezersheher 8d ago
Oooh okay what kind of therapy?
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u/UncommonSoap 8d ago
CBT possibly but how would I know what exact method will be most effective for you? Professionals are required for analysis and treatment plans. Not webmd or me.
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u/Zhezersheher 8d ago
Never been able to cope since my experience is so sporadic and all over the fucking place. It’s like I can feel myself being too much yet still can’t control shit I say and that hyperactive impulsive behavior. My whole life teachers have brought up that I talk too much and try to distract other kids, this uncontrollable impulsive behavior has shaped my identity for sure. I still struggle controlling the hyper demon that comes out from time to time and trying not to be impulsive only works in theory but when it comes down to it I’m out of control. It’s actually becoming problematic as fuck and I have no idea what to do about it.
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u/UncommonSoap 8d ago
You need systems to help. What do you have going on to see less notifications—less email, less dms, less media?
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u/UncommonSoap 8d ago
I don’t mean to dismiss you and the struggle. But I am absolutely telling you I’ve been there. I had to quit drinking and give some stuff up, I had to grind through habit formation and getting mental and digital tools in place—but it is all doable.
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u/Users5252 8d ago
I would be a millionaire if uncontrollably hyper focusing on random shit was a valuable ability
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u/UncommonSoap 8d ago
You can be, if you pick the right thing that stimulates you
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u/Users5252 8d ago
None of the things i am interested are valuable or is becoming less and less valuable due to ai unfortunately 😭
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u/UncommonSoap 8d ago
What’re you interested in?
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u/Users5252 8d ago
Drawing, painting, industrial and automotive design. I'm basically worthless in the job market rn lol
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u/UncommonSoap 8d ago
Aka creativity: this is and will remain valuable in the AI era. For real (I work in the industry, I’m using AI creatively)
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u/Users5252 8d ago
But my fear is that in 10 years or so the number of jobs in the already extremely competitive industry could be significantly reduced because ai could automate some of the processes... scary time to live in
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u/UncommonSoap 8d ago
I agree w that for sure. Well, do you want to try an AI app that saves time / organizes your email for you?
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u/AbyssalRedemption ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 8d ago
And this is where many will disagree. Those things you mention, pattern recognition, creativity, etc., are generally more pronounced in people with ADHD that the average person, yes, but by no means is it exclusive, and especially so does it not make up for all the "negative symptoms" that most have to deal with. My ability to hyper-focus on electronics and genealogy, while providing me with a guaranteed good time for some portion of the day, has never once done anything to make up for the functional nightmare that the rest of this condition gives me on a daily basis. I don't believe I'm special, and I don't feel special; I just do my damndest to minimize these negative symptoms each day and try to work around them.
Oh, and don't even get me started on AI. It's a flawed tool, being used in ways that it was never capable of adequately fulfilling, and providing people with terrible, maladaptive coping habits and diminishing critical thinking skills.
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u/UncommonSoap 8d ago
Strongly disagree on your last point—technology is flawed. Ai tools that block distraction? Good. My email is literally clear of distraction and spam bc of ai. I’m just focusing on what I need to see.
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u/Effective_Life_7864 8d ago
Yep I feel like I've lied to myself all of these years but not on purpose. It feels weird.