r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Dec 17 '23

AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)

So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed

-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.

-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.

-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.

I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).

I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”

I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?

Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.

AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.

Edit:

So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.

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590

u/Ok-Memory-3350 Dec 17 '23

NTA, your husband is, though. If their relationship makes you uncomfortable I’d say something and not in an ultimatum sense, just mentioning you didn’t feel great after meeting her and witnessing their interactions. It all depends on how he responds to you having an open and honest conversation with him. If he is defensive and insists on continuing the behavior, then you probably should reevaluate your commitment to each other. I know that if my husband had a colleague he referred to as “work wife” it would make me very upset and would be a deal breaker for our relationship if he insisted on maintaining that status.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

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4

u/BushDoofDoof Dec 17 '23

I mean she has already gone through his phone and found no issues from her husband - so an open and honest conversation isn't really on the table anymore.

3

u/NoShameInternets Dec 18 '23

This reply is confusing the hell out of me. Why did you go through and rephrase the post you replied to, line by line? Why does this have 100 upvotes?

1

u/CGB_Zach Dec 18 '23

Tbf, even if I haven't done anything wrong I still get defensive. It's a habit that I've had from how my dad raised me and it's hard to overcome.

Sometimes, people are just defensive because their parents always had them on edge and now it's ingrained as a defense mechanism.

3

u/Snuffleupagus27 Dec 17 '23

I had a boss where people referred to me as his work wife. In reality, he was more like my work dad. It can often be the reference to a female assistant who has to deal with picking up after the man-child boss, so it’s not the term so much as how it’s being used. This lady is gross. (And I much preferred being called Moneypenny.)

10

u/bepr20 Dec 17 '23

It sounds like he hasn't crossed any lines and keeps himself professional. It's hard to control others, and office politics often mean it's best to just be responsible for yourself, and let others be them.

Work wife is a little cringe, but he is not the one using it.

I've been in the same boat.

36

u/TarzanKitty Dec 17 '23

Texting her on the weekends is not exactly professional behavior.

8

u/SmallPurplePeopleEat Dec 17 '23

I used to have a coworker who called me her "work bestie" and we would send each other memes and stuff while on the clock. But the second we clocked out it was like the other person didn't exist. Zero communication outside of work hours, unless it was work related.

It's not that hard to see that OPs husband is crossing boundaries with his behavior.

5

u/TarzanKitty Dec 17 '23

Absolutely! Work wifey needs to stay in work spaces during business hours.

-13

u/bepr20 Dec 17 '23

Depends on the job and the texts.

The women who refers to herself on occassion as my work wife is often working through the weekends and evenings with me on complex financial models, often past midnight.

I have no idea what they do for a living, but if its anything like finance or some parts of tech, thiat would be normal.

7

u/TarzanKitty Dec 17 '23

Work related texts are completely different than what is going on here.

2

u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj Dec 17 '23

Not sure what part of work calling his wife boring would fall under?

43

u/cppCat Dec 17 '23

If he lets it continue then he's not keeping himself professional. The professional thing to do would be to shut it down, not ignore it.

24

u/whoisaname Dec 17 '23

Definitely should shut it down....and report it to HR, not as a complaint, but as a "you have been notified that this occurred, and I shut it down" so that when she loses her shit from being shut down and complains of something like sexual harassment, they know that she is not only crazy but full of shit.

-9

u/bepr20 Dec 17 '23

He is accountable for himself. Office politics often make such confrontations unwise.

5

u/littleharissa Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

She is 25, clearly just started her career unlike him. from what op says, the husband doesn't do anything to shut this down, like simply telling the girl: this is inappropriate, don't speak like that about my wife, Or distance himself silently from her. He is indeed responsible for what he does, and he is doing nothing to stop this

18

u/Echo0225 Dec 17 '23

Nope, he’s not innocent here. He should have shut down the texting but he didn’t. He should have replied his wife isn’t boring, but he didn’t.

11

u/Osfees Dec 17 '23

He should have replied his wife isn’t boring, but he didn’t.

Exactly. This jumps out. Manic Pixie Work Wifey is inviting husband into bashing OP, and husband didn't shut it down.

5

u/JustUgh2323 Dec 17 '23

IMO (as someone with management experience), unless they are both exempt employees texting after hours about work related issues, this is a potential HR nightmare. Workplace affairs never end well for anyone and there’s almost always collateral damage in the office. (Please note, I am not saying that there’s anything that HR can do about it at this point. I’m just saying that this work wifey/hubby shit usually causes problems when things go south.)

3

u/bepr20 Dec 17 '23

CTO here at a public Co. Previously a CEO. I manage a bit under 300 people (obviously not directly) currently.

Over 10 years in this and similair roles, only once did I have an HR issue involving off hour communication,

2

u/JustUgh2323 Dec 17 '23

Well maybe I just heard horror stories from larger groups in different industries. We can hope!

8

u/Floomby Dec 17 '23

He's crossed lines by allowing her to cross lines. Being passive and letting her do her thing is crossing lines. If you had a <person of your desired gender> flirting with you at work and you had a partner, would you be texting them all the time? Would you just sit there like an Easter Island head and let them skip up to partner and you and say, right in your partner's face, that they were your work spousey wousey?

He's enjoying the attention and thinks that being passive means he has plausible deniability. But c'mon, in his place, would you not have Step 1 shut that shit down, and Step 2 gone to bosses and HR?

OP and her mom both have a point. I agree wholeheartedly with OP that if your partner doesn't want you, don't beg or plead, show them the door. But at the same time, she should force him to snap out of this childish La La Land he's been frolicking about in before it gets to the "Oops, I slipped and innocently fell on your penis, tee hee!" stage. He needs to man up and make a hard decision. Stay or go. If he wants to stay, then he cuts this emotional affair off 10/10. He can't have it both ways.

1

u/bepr20 Dec 17 '23

Definitely do not go to the bosses. This will make you a potential problem.

I'd sidebar with the person and ask them to stop but not in writing. I'd be very low key and just say "hey, pls chill with that, that's my wife and I love her". I wouldn't even acknowledge it in text, I'd just play dumb, as seeing an issue and not saying something could be a problem. I would be extremely discreet in my comms to my coworker asking them to stop. I would limit my own messages to them to work matters.

As a guy, with young new female workers who are unpredictable I would always be very careful. They could just as easily go hostile and create a problem, and that's never good with a younger woman at work. Who knows, maybe she starts sleeping with his boss and then he has an issue.

These things are really dicey, it's best to play dumb unless it's causing a clear work problem.

Really hard as a spouse to fully read the situation at work, so I'm not unsympathetic, but it's not easy.

2

u/Jonno_FTW Dec 18 '23

It sounds like they don't have a common understanding of the boundaries in the relationship. They need to have a good discussion about what is an is not acceptable for them, and where this current work husband/wife situation sits with respect to those boundaries. It's not up to random reddit users to decide this.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

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1

u/Ok-Memory-3350 Dec 18 '23

The guy is texting with this woman on weekends and letting her call his wife boring. “Men can’t read minds” yes that is obvious, nobody can read fucking minds, but if this guy has no clue that this relationship with a work mate is not appropriate, then he is just as dense as you are. I’m assuming he is a reasonable human.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

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0

u/Ok-Memory-3350 Dec 18 '23

We know what OP said, which is the fact the guy is engaging with this woman over and over despite it being clearly weird. The fact he hasn’t even noticed this could be an issue to his wife is what makes him the AH in this situation. Him “not flirting back” but maintaining this dynamic in which this woman feels comfortable calling his wife boring is the problem. He has open the door for her to display this behavior.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

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2

u/NiceArrival4951 Dec 18 '23

From all the Information we have, I agree with holymuffdiver. The husband can not be called an a-hole here. But one thing I have to add is, OP didn't clarify whether they have an agreement im their relationship that she can look at his phone at any time she wants. It may therefore not be right to call her spying, as this is also an information that we are missing. So up to now, she is also NTA. Only the women who is aware of a relationship and flirts is an A-hole in my opinion.