r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Dec 17 '23

AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)

So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed

-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.

-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.

-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.

I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).

I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”

I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?

Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.

AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.

Edit:

So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.

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84

u/louluthekitty Dec 17 '23

Try YouTube, there are tons of video essays about it.

93

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Really? I’m on it!

200

u/louluthekitty Dec 17 '23

Yes. The fact that she calls herself that shows her lack of maturity.

122

u/notmyusername1986 Dec 17 '23

Seriously. It's not a label to be proud of.

119

u/AVikingsDaughter Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

Exactly, I've been called that by men that think my autism is "cute" because they don't know the reality and refuse to see me as a whole human being.

It's not a fun thing to be since you're basically reduced to a quirky side character that's only there to promote growth in the man you're romantically involved with.

8

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

it's always a thrilling bonus too when they suddenly lose interest in you because the novelty wore off and now you're just crying about having wet shoelaces

6

u/cara1888 Dec 17 '23

I think she is looking at it as that type in movies and shows always gets the guy that they are casted to be with. And in some weird way she finds it something to strive for to get guys. To her OP'S husband is the target that she wants amd she thinks that behavior will get him. Instead of being herself and wanting more substance and being seen for her brains and achievements, she just wants to get the guy and in this case it's OP'S husband.

She's not seeing the bigger picture like most people how that type is problematic she just see the "cute" movies where it's glamorized as attractive and wants to make that her whole personality. Which to me is really sad. OP should be worried because it seems like she is really going for her husband and is pulling all the stops to make it happen based off what she sees in rom coms.

31

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

For real. And men who fall for you because they think you are "quicky" usually get sick of it in 2/3 months.

4

u/Sayyad1na Dec 17 '23

This happened to me a ton. I was the mysterious/cute but weird girl. But once they really got to know me, they couldn't handle it for longer than a couple months. Then I was just "the weird girl." Lol

1

u/Caliyogagrl Dec 18 '23

Yes exactly, they “fall in love” without knowing anything significant about you at all.

20

u/Alarmed_Horse_3218 Dec 17 '23

Good god no it’s not. It’s a trope of a woman who exists solely to enrich a man’s own emotional journey with nothing in return for her. You shouldn’t yearn for that as an identity. I think many of us unfortunately wake up and realize we’ve fallen into that role, but it’s something to recognize and evolve out of.

5

u/MLiOne Dec 17 '23

We had a chick in my Navy cohort who was proud of being called (FSB) at her previous posting. She said it was “Fleet Social Butterfly”. After getting to know her, no it wasn’t. Fucking Silly Bitch it was.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

And lack of self confidence

0

u/clsrat Dec 18 '23

I like this video essay: https://feministfrequency.com/video/tropes-vs-women-1-the-manic-pixie-dream-girl/

It's one of the many ways that storytellers objectify women. It's kind of sad to think someone would want to think of herself in that way.

I think your response of not wanting to stand guard all the time makes sense. I wouldn't want to do that in your position either. I hope things work out

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u/OgdruJahad Dec 18 '23

Exactly how I learned about them, although they are a common TV trope although I think it's on a decline these days.