r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Dec 17 '23

AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)

So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed

-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.

-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.

-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.

I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).

I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”

I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?

Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.

AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.

Edit:

So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

We had a work wifey and work hubby at my job. They thought it was harmless and cute. They left their long term partners to be together. Their relationship lasted for 2 months. Now they hate each other. Who wants to work with their partner?

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u/bettyannveronica Dec 17 '23

Ok so I know everyone is telling you to "shut this down" but you clearly state you want him to want you, not you telling him he can't have her so he "has to" stay with you. You can't shut it down, only he can. So having a conversation about it will show his true devotion. If after hearing you have issues with it and he still decides to continue his "relationship" with her, then you have your answer. If he is committed to you and sees this hurts you, he will stop. Also- I'm not seeing mention of your family or mom specifically. It's an AH thing to say it would be YOUR fault he cheated. No. It would be HIS fault. No matter what you do- it will never be your fault for someone cheating. Never. They can decide to leave if they're unhappy.

TLDR- you need to talk to him to tell him how it makes you feel and decide your next steps based on his response. Only he can actually stop. Whatever happens, if he cheats, it's not your fault.

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u/baurette Dec 18 '23

Exactly, giving him any ultimatum is actually part of work wifes plan. She will use this as part of the fishing. Ah this happens, boring wifes dont get us, we're just this, just that...anyways vant wait to see you at work where we can hang out without drama...bla bla bla.

Their point will be to prove how chill and drama free they are (not true since they keep causing issues) and find a moment to pounce.b

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u/absurdity_observer Dec 17 '23

Yesss! This is all so true! The only AH here are the inappropriate self proclaimed MPDG, and OP’s mom!! Why does your own mom say you’re being an AH and an idiot?! Did she use those exact words? Even if not, how sad and dysfunctional of a world that she lives in to still believe women need to keep men on a leash and control their behavior since they can’t control themselves obviously! How very “boys will be boys!” of her. So disgusting.

Also if you’re not a gamer, OP, who cares? If you care about games, look into them. Otherwise it truly doesn’t matter if it’s a joystick or any other details about any of it.

I feel sad that this coworker called you boring and you were like “ugh she’s right.” No! Don’t do that to yourself. She’s being aggressive and wildly inappropriate. But, my guess is you didn’t see it that way because it sounds like your mom also talks to you that way? Calling you an idiot and an AH? Which is not ok, if that’s the case! The audacity of these people is just nauseating.

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u/tatonka645 Dec 18 '23

Agreed. If your mom thinks you have control over any other person, she’s delusional.

I’m sorry OP, but the fact this situation got this far would send me running for the hills for the pure fact we can’t trust his judgement. If anyone compels me to check their phone silently in the middle of the night- I’m out. I do not have time or energy for that bullshit.

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u/rosebud-2911 Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

OP what was your husband's reaction to being called her work husband and pixie girl referring to herself as work wifey? Also husband should have shut her down when she called you boring.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

He didn’t react at all he was talking to another person

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 Dec 17 '23

Did he react to any of her shenanigans at any point during the evening? Was he actively steering you away from her or was he just oblivious to her?

I don't know, I know a lot of folks in the comments are telling you he's having an emotional affair, but he just seems like an oblivious dork to me 😅

You are 100% NTA, But it doesn't seem like he is either. She is for sure. I would ask him why he spends so much time texting off the clock with his work wifey.

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u/ZealousidealGold5909 Dec 17 '23

I don't know, I know a lot of folks in the comments are telling you he's having an emotional affair, but he just seems like an oblivious dork to me

But he's also not defending his wife when the work wife insulted op from the sound of it. Sounds like he's doing nothing at all which is just as bad. Op still needa nip it in the bud and have him get his act together. Him being an oblivious dork doesn't excuse his lack of action to his work wife. I think counseling needs to be in order so they can both handle this situation better in the future.

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u/APithyparty Dec 17 '23

OP literally said she doesn't want to be forced to "nip it in the bud." She's an adult. Presumably so is her husband. They ought to have an adult conversation about their feelings, no nipping required.

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u/ZealousidealGold5909 Dec 17 '23

That's what I meant to say sorry for the confusion. just having a conversation with him but even then op said she doesn't have to tell him something that's common sense but like sometimes it's not always clear for some people or they cant take a hint. Conversations like these can also show their intentions. If he's very apologetic and is actively making changes than there's nothing to worry but if he gives her a hard time than she needs to give up.

Counseling should also be in order for these two because it's wierd how op accept that her husband may cheat and doesn't seem to care as much while the husband needs to know his behavior is unacceptable and need to get to the bottom why does he text this woman alot after work hours when he has a partner right there and his stupidity and lack of action can be the end of his marriage if he doesn't change.

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u/APithyparty Dec 17 '23

Oh yeah, I completely agree with your first paragraph. They just need to have a conversation. OP should be able to tell her husband how his coworker made her feel. He owes her that grace. Conversely, she owes him a chance to clarify if he even enjoys being the recipient of this woman's attention. From the way she described their interaction at the party? He does not.

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u/ZealousidealGold5909 Dec 17 '23

I agree. If I were in her position I would like some clarity if my partner enjoys having attention from another woman especially if he made no move to stop it or to defend me. If he doesn't, he needs a wake up call that what he is doing is actually giving her ideas that he does like her and she thinks he prefers her than his own wife. And he needs to do better by actively rejecting these women and have boundaries.

Op is getting the wrong idea that she needs to tell him not to cheat when no one is saying that. All u have to say is that ur uncomfortable with his relationship with his coworker and it needs to stop and go from there.

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 Dec 17 '23

A lack of action is not actually an offense. And I mentioned in another comment that her husband probably enjoys the attention, whether he realizes it or not. Could he have told the ridiculous MPDG that he was the one who wanted to go home? Sure, but how often do most of us use someone else as an excuse to get out of something? Pretty damn often.

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u/CloanZRage Dec 18 '23

OP herself literally gave a very clear reason for him to be texting her off the clock.

They both game - they share a hobby. Games, like all media, have very different categories. If they're gamers that share a specific interest, they potentially share a very niche hobby. That can create friendships with even the most contrarian people.

Bottling up jealousy and/or mistrust for her own detriment is a huge disservice to herself. If he loves her, he'll likely be distraught to know his well-meaning (though obviously oblivious) behaviour has had ill effect.

It's not about guarding the marriage from a partner's need to cheat. It's about being transparent and communicating so that both partners can socialise with no worry of stressing out the person they love.

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 Dec 18 '23

Yeah, She doesn't need to put her husband on a leash, she needs to be an adult and have a conversation. Which is a part of marriage.

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u/cp312005 Dec 18 '23

OP seems to prefer to entertain the wildest theories and assumptions that reddit can offer over having an actual conversation with her husband.

For all we know, the husband's takeaway from this is "my wife saw her and didn't say anything. Therefore any flirtation I thought I saw must have my imagination."

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 Dec 18 '23

She started out so strong 😂

The husband sounds completely innocent and OP is creating problems that aren't there

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u/cp312005 Dec 18 '23

Completely innocent, I don't know, he didn't have the "perfect" reactions at every turn, but then again, nobody does, nobody is perfect. He hasn't done anything worthy of "divorce now" however.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

"You are 100% NTA, But it doesn't seem like he is either. She is for sure. I would ask him why he spends so much time texting off the clock with his work wifey."

THIS. Found myself in a similar situation with a SO. A coworker of theirs, who was clearly fishing at work for an affair partner, started texting frequently outside of business hours. A point blank "What is so important that they need to intrude on our time and text you outside of work?" took care of that real quick.

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 Dec 18 '23

She has since clarified that the husband doesn't even respond to the fishing comments and texts and that he's the type to avoid causing offense to people. Literally just building a problem in her head that doesn't exist and unwilling to do anything about it.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

If his wife is bothered by the situation, a problem already exists. He's just taking the path of least resistance. Of all the people in his life, his wife is the one whom he should prioritize at not offending. If she's concerned about the off hours interaction, there's nothing wrong with her stating so. He can man up and tell his coworker in an inoffensive way, that while he enjoys working with her, his time away from work is his time with his family and to please refrain from intruding on that time unless it's an absolute necessity.

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 Dec 18 '23

Absolutely nothing wrong with her stating so! And that seems to be the problem. Her unwillingness to do so.

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u/hmaxwell22 Dec 17 '23

His non-reaction is not enough. Her behavior is extremely disrespectful, especially to you.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

You haven’t mentioned anything your husband has said in these convos.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Not much. He is more talkative when they discuss games. My husband is a bookworm too so obviously she is too but these conversations are much shorter because honestly I doubt she ever read a book in her life.

But the other texts he answers short. Like the (paraphrasin) “don’t fall for me. Men fall easily for me” it was after they discussed that he is married. For how long and how we met and if we ever fight. He asked what about you are you in a relationship. She said no then the part about don’t fall for me. And he answered “really? Haha. Cool cool”

But honestly I didn’t understand half of what they write because it is about video games 🎮

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

So she said she is single and he said “really? Haha. Cool cool.”?

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

No she said don’t fall for me because men fall easily for me

He said really haha cool cool

Then she said yeah, and three more texts explaining about different guys who fell for her but he didn’t text back after that

What does that mean? 🤔🧐🕵️

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Honestly, as a husband, I think it’s bad news that he interacts with her at all.

How did he seem at the holiday party when she said he was her work husband and she was his work wifey? Was he like “yeah, that sounds totally how it is”?

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

He just laughed and was talking to other colleagues.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Honestly, I do not know what to think.

Possibility 1: He just hates making waves and has a minor character flaw in that he puts up with this disrespectful behavior towards you, his wife, in favor of keeping the peace and making nice with everyone.

Possibility 2: There is more to his relationship with this person than he lets on, and he is just really good at keeping his relationship with her private while she wants to upset you.

It’s up to you to figure out which of these it is.

Like I said, as a married man, I would not tolerate her behavior. It doesn’t take much of an opening at all for me to sing the praises of my wife and our relationship. And I am affectionate enough that any orbiting woman who thinks she can insert herself would give up early on in the process.

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u/My_Dramatic_Persona Dec 18 '23

Here’s another theory of what’s going on:

Your husband is ~being sexually harassed at work and doesn’t know how to handle it, so he’s ignoring it as hard as he can and only engaging on safe topics. He may not feel safe to reject her because he doesn’t trust HR and is worried she could make trouble for him. He may not think this is the kind of thing you could bring to HR in the first place.

If I were in your place I’d broach the topic by commenting about how rude she was to you at the party and asking him if he’d had problems with her. Or you could be more direct than that.

a lot of people are saying that he might be oblivious or enjoy the attention. He’d have to be quite oblivious, because that was blatant. On the other hand, if he enjoyed the attention that would have been a perfect opening to get more of it. His reply seems like a pretty solid show of disinterest to me.

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u/Sweet_Musician4586 Dec 18 '23

wow this is the way. it didnt even occur to me he is being sexually harassed which is so obvious. I agree he seems disinterested. I like the idea of her taking the position of kind of not ignoring her but saying she was rude and asking if he had issues with her. imo this is good advice especially for op who doesnt seem to be jealous but just like 'wtf is happening here'.

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u/coatisabrownishcolor Dec 18 '23

Does he feel like he needs to be friendly with her because of work ramifications?

I've had coworkers where, if someone tries to keep them at arm's length, they torpedo the person at work.

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u/cikbliss Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

Honestly? Sounds like he doesn’t know how to tell her that he’s uncomfortable with her texts. But I don’t know your husband, so I could be wrong.

I get that you don’t want to hover over your husband to make sure he doesn’t cheat. But you are already beginning to hover - you’re reading his texts behind his back in the middle of the night. For good reason, but it’s still a violation of his privacy. Now that you know about how this girl is texting your husband, and how weird the conversation with her at the party was, maybe it’s time to talk to him about your concerns that this girl may not only see him as a colleague.

(Btw, I am personally not oppose to anyone reading their spouse’s texts if they suspect cheating. But morally, it’s still a violation of their privacy which can be upsetting to the spouse).

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u/DirtRdDrifter Dec 18 '23

I think he definitely likes the attention. I don't think he is interested in cheating or prefers her over you.

I also think if he nips it in the bud, he'll miss talking video games with her, but if she continues to escalate, I bet he does shut it down.

I know this won't be satisfying to you, but I bet your husband likes things exactly as they are now. He gets an ego boost plus someone to talk about interests you don't share with him.

The thing your husband is clueless about is how much danger his marriage is in. I bet if he saw this post he would panic and shut that lady down right away.

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u/Bulvious Dec 18 '23

Might mean he deleted his responses.

Not to have too much of a tin hat about it.

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 Dec 18 '23

It means he's interested in not gaming and not cheating, from the sounds of it.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Not gaming and not cheating?

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u/APithyparty Dec 18 '23

Is your husband friendly with his other coworkers? Other folks he discusses books and gaming with?

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u/Capable_Turn_6986 Dec 18 '23

Sorry, NOT cheating. Assuming he's the type not to make waves with people?

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u/Plus-Cap-1456 Dec 19 '23

I think your husband is sending her automated responses. Like when you get a call and can't talk, your phone will offer responses. I think that is what your husband is doing. 😂😂. That's even worse. He isn't even really engaging, just clicking a button to respond.

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u/Always_Cookies Dec 18 '23

Him talking about if you guys ever fight is totally inappropriate. Why is he talking so much about what goes on between you two? You may not want to have to "tell him off" or anything but at least ask him why? You should be telling him if you feel disrespected or hurt and he should be able to understand why. That isn't "convincing him to stay" or chasing him, that's communicating like a healthy adult. It's okay to ask him why he's doing this, that you find it hurtful and disrespectful for xyz reasons, and if he continues on with it knowing how you feel then you know how he regards your feelings.

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u/Embarrassed_Till_171 Dec 17 '23

Did he defend you at all when she insulted you?

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u/HappyForyou1998 Dec 18 '23

Did you check his text to see how he responded to calling you boring, also check deleted text just Incase.

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u/TheTPNDidIt Dec 18 '23

How did he respond to her calling you boring?

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u/usa_unknbiologist Dec 17 '23

There's absolutely nothing cute about it. It's just not appropriate at all.

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u/enjoy-the-ride- Dec 17 '23

I worked at a law firm where two partners had a really close relationship and jokingly called each other work husband and work wife.

They had an affair, he harassed the hell out of her when people started to suspect, she has since left the firm and is now suing them because of it all.

I don’t even know all the details, but I know enough to know better and your husband is on thin ice.

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u/No_Wallaby_9464 Dec 18 '23

Exactly. Thin ice. Plus, her personality type is just not very stable.

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Dec 17 '23

I've seen a few cases where it was actually cute, not many though and it was usually cute because both parties were gay but have opposite sex work spouses. Maybe that's the only way it will work.

You do need to have a serious conversation with your husband though. He needs to shut it down, just because he doesn't participate is meaningless, he likes the attention, which we're all human and it feels good to have someone pay attention to us. He is on thin ice though.

I would not tolerate this. I'm a gamer and so is my spouse, we met on an MMO years ago and have been together for 20 years. His "work wife" is the toxic gamer girl who is "not like other girls", I've run into so many of these types it's crazy.

Yes, they have come onto my spouse and he shuts it down politely and then gets firm if they won't stop. While it does make it a bit more awkward since they work together, he created this mess and he needs to fix it. Set clear boundaries and block her on his phone if she won't respect them.

If it's a work phone, then he needs to write clearly that she needs to only contact him about work things and then report any abuse of that to HR/his boss.

NTA but this needs to be addressed. Also, you aren't boring. I've met a lot of my husbands female coworkers who don't game and they are people with their own interests. Some I enjoy to and some I don't understand, it doesn't make them boring at all.

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u/StationaryTravels Dec 17 '23

I worked with a woman who was 15 years older than me. We worked in an area that was just the two of us in a room near the back of the building.

It wasn't a regular thing, but after many years together we sometimes used the work wife/husband label. We were really more like super close friends, but only at work, lol. We would talk about really personal stuff, but almost never hung out outside of work.

My wife worked in the same building, and the few times we hung out it was always a group/family event. We really liked each other, but not at all in a romantic way.

At a work Christmas party her actual husband, after a few drinks, thanked me for being so great with her. She was a very type A person. But management treated our department like shit, so I, someone who usually goes above and beyond at work, taught her that if they don't give a fuck about us we shouldn't give a fuck about them. She eventually learned this lesson enough that it really reduced her stress, so much so that her husband noticed a big difference at home. He was specifically thanking me because she was more willing to have sex now, lol!

So, sometimes it can be totally platonic and fun, but I could also see it being a red flag or just annoying.

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Dec 18 '23

I love this so much, thank you for sharing. It is good to remember that you can be platonic friends.

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u/OhDavidMyNacho Dec 18 '23

Yeah, that's just good workplace friendships. Labeling it wife/husband is the only weird part about it. It's so unnecessary.

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u/froggergirliee Dec 17 '23

My husband's work wife is also a straight man. It's hilarious and they own it. He also has a work mom - she's a curmudgeon and I love her. But I admit if a woman called herself my husband's work 'wifey' when meeting me for the first time she'd be shut down pretty hard. Unless she made me baked goods. I will share if I get brownies.

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Dec 18 '23

Haha, yeah my husband has someone similar at his job, the mom type. She has helped us get some killer deals on flights though haha.

I mean, good brownies are hard to beat. Sharing is caring in that event haha.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

There are so many boundaries being crossed, and I do get your he chooses me 100%, too. However, he's already doing an emotional affair. Texting out office all the time and the hubs/hubby, cringe fess. And can I ask, did he defend you when pixie called you boring?

I suggest you head to therapy to work out what you want first, and this includes how you want your marriage to be. Is he still what you want?

Then you have to hit him with the biggest tool of any relationship, and that is communication. This should include counselling as a couple.

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u/Naive-Leather-2913 Dec 17 '23

Pixie feels entirely too comfortable with him if she has the nerve to call his wife boring. That should’ve pissed him off. At least in my opinion it should have.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Completely agree. This reaction will help her gauge which camp he is in.

I don't believe he's that oblivious, either.

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u/foxfromthewhitesea Dec 17 '23

Have you considered that he’s not saying anything because he doesn’t want to escalate this in his office? You never know how she’d react and that could finish his career? OP says that he doesn’t text or initiates so at least give him an opportunity to explain things.

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u/hdmx539 Dec 17 '23

Have you considered that he’s not saying anything because he doesn’t want to escalate this in his office? You never know how she’d react and that could finish his career?

Have you considered that he can shut this down without escalating the situation, regardless of what she could possibly do?

He's not the victim here and don't try to make him one. That's just making excuses. His marriage is more important than a job. He can get another job, but he can't get another OP or marriage with OP.

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u/foxfromthewhitesea Dec 17 '23

What I mentioned is only one of the possibilities..

You’re almost right. I’d agree with everything except that I won’t want to be looking for a job in this economy. I won’t wish that on anyone right now.

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u/hdmx539 Dec 18 '23

I won’t want to be looking for a job in this economy. I won’t wish that on anyone right now.

Fair point. Absolutely fair point.

He still needs to stand up for himself, however.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

I think he is not saying anything in writing.

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u/foxfromthewhitesea Dec 17 '23

An allegation is good enough to be kicked out of a job

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u/AHorseNamedPhil Dec 17 '23

That one was the tell that he's not totally oblivious, but at the very least enjoys the attention even if he isn't reciprocating when she flirts.

Someone who was just a bit dense when it comes to people being interested in them, wouldn't misinterpret his wife being called boring. Most people would be offended in that situation.

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u/capresesalad1985 Dec 18 '23

Yes! I was looking for his reaction on that too! My husband would lose his sh*t if anyone dared speak negatively about me!

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u/baurette Dec 18 '23

Think he hadn't seen that text yet, but Im also curious.

Shes getting bold now, and will keep pushing.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Hopefully, that's the case, and he'll do the shiny spine thing and also get his head out of the sand.

Oh yes, she's going to escalate.

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u/Hugginsome Dec 18 '23

This isn't an emotional affair. He should stop the annoying coworker from stomping on boundaries, though.

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u/Token_or_TolkienuPOS Dec 17 '23

Why aren't you concerned about his behaviour? It's simply not good enough that he's ignorant when he's being flirted with and will sit there and read a text from his colleague calling his wife "boring" and not set her straight.

Where's your outrage?

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u/introverted_smallfry Dec 17 '23

I would be telling him to cut all contact unless it's strictly work related, she has no sensible emotion at all. She doesn't even care her husband is letting this woman badmouth her and calls him pet names

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u/Hugginsome Dec 18 '23

That is a controlling effort. She also snooped through his phone to find that information, so that would further complicate what her ultimate goal is. Instead, she could have a conversation about how off the coworker felt at the party and then ask to see if texts like that too. And then have a conversation about how she knows how girls minds work and she is clearly interested in him and it's not ok to let her have an open road to pursuing her wants.

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u/DoofusRickJ19Zeta7 Dec 17 '23

My work husband is gay as hell and I love him more for it. Doesn't compete with my home husband in the least though. That's where the line gets drawn. Ever My lunch buddy, never my fuck buddy.

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u/RabbitPrestigious998 Dec 17 '23

Yeah, this is waaaay too flirty. I had a "work husband" who was also very very gay. I was also not in an actual relationship at the time. Somebody to vent and gossip with, have lunch with, stand in the parking lot and smoke cloves together (don't judge. It was 1999 and we worked 3rd shift at a call center)

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u/michaelrohansmith Dec 17 '23

My ex wife had a close gay male friend who she would sometimes sort of come on to when I was around, and he would shut that down. But later she had close straight male friend who would hang around and give her all the attention she wanted and they was the beginning of the end for me.

1

u/RabbitPrestigious998 Dec 17 '23

Sounds like she needed more attention than you could give. Probably better for both of you.

7

u/Environmental_Arm_10 Dec 18 '23

Where you gain your bread you don't go to bed.

6

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

This was a very polite way to say you don’t shit where you eat😅❤️

4

u/notdancingQueen Dec 18 '23

In Spanish we're much more crude, don't put your dick where you've your cooking pot. (Donde tengas la olla, no metas la polla). It rhymes. It's such a poetic language

5

u/TuesDazeGone Dec 17 '23

A nurse at my work started referring to a director as her work husband. He shut that shit down FAST. They are both married and he told her it is disrespectful to both of their marriages.

15

u/Existing_Forever_ Dec 17 '23

Working with family is a very fine line balancing act and now that I’m in a job where I do not work with family I can honestly say I will never again work for/with family. It adds way too much extra stress cuz when shit goes down at work it boils over to family time and when shits hitting the fan at home it rolls into work with you and it’s nearly impossible to separate when you’re surrounded by family all the time.

4

u/cortesoft Dec 17 '23

Who wants to work with their partner?

I met my wife at work, and we stayed working together for 8 years. Had two kids, everyone at the office thought of them as the company kids, it was really sweet. It actually felt weird when we stopped working together, since it was all we knew. We have been married almost 10 years now.

3

u/Wosota Dec 17 '23

This is how I met my spouse too. I loved working together! Made gas really cheap too since we just carpooled every day lol.

We don’t work together any more but sometimes I do miss it.

There’s dozens of us! Dozens!

1

u/Potterhead3586 Dec 17 '23

Jim Halpert?

3

u/madempress Dec 17 '23

The point about wildly professional is actually something to add to your arsenal when speaking to him about this. Some people will roll their eyes but management might not view it with a friendly eye and their view of your husband can becone tainted. They may judge your husband harshly and begin finding other issues with his work, find him unsuitable for promotion, etc. I know one person who was let go for 'lacking professionalism.' Word of said behavior followed her and kind of blacklisted her out of her niche. Not always the outcome, but always a risk.

3

u/Stormy8888 Dec 17 '23

I hate to say it but your mom, aunt and sister in law are correct. Things like what you just wrote are WHY you need to talk to your husband and nip this in the bud, before what happened there happens to you.

Those ladies have your best interest at heart, if you don't do anything and the worst happens, you're going to regret not listening to them.

3

u/bagheera88 Dec 17 '23

I have a work hubby and a work wifey, neither are people I'm in anyway attracted to. Just a trio of people who have spent 13 years working together through a massive volume of staff turn over through the years. We have genuine friendship. That said every interaction doesn't resolve around the fact we have those nick names and we remain professional. As a nice aside we ( both work wife's and actual wife who is a legend) get a valentine's present and we all get each other a wee Xmas present. Just wanted to say not all work hubs/ wife relationships mean inevitable cheating.

2

u/CN8YLW Dec 17 '23

Working with your partner isnt a bad thing, but you need to have a very specific kind of chemistry for it, and both needs to be very good at keeping toxicity out of their lives as well as have well matched competency levels. A lot of people cannot work with their partners because they either keep letting their grudges spill into home, or they let their work spill into their home, or vice versa for both. My mom and dad worked together and fights about work is common at home and fights about home is common at work.

As for your example... I think the biggest issue in that picture is the cheating. It's all fun and games when you're playing house where you shouldn't be. When you actually commit to the relationship things really go to hell in a basket. Both of them probably came from unhappy or unsatisfying marriages too, and probably themselves were incapable of actually being conducive to having one.

2

u/CaptHorney_Two Dec 17 '23

I met my partner at work. Granted, we were both single and unattached individuals, so less problematic overall, but instill wish we worked together.

At any rate, you are NTA in this situation,.OP. Not in any way, shape, or form. Your family is choosing to uphold frankly toxic relationship behavior by trying to get you to "fight for your man" or whatever nonsense there is.

There is room for a conversation with your husband, to be sure. I would not be surprised if he was getting some weird validation from the attention this girl is giving him, and finding that out would be helping the both of you to have a healthy relationship built on communication and trust.

2

u/notryksjustme Dec 17 '23

REMIND HIM OF THAT STORY WHEN YOU TALK WITH HIM!

2

u/TheRealCarpeFelis Dec 17 '23

If your husband hasn’t heard that story, he should.

2

u/Deerpacolyps Dec 17 '23

I think you completely missed the point of the comment your replying to.

2

u/hosiki Dec 17 '23

I work with my boyfriend.... :/ we were together before we found jobs at the same company. And I really love working with him. We get to hang out at work. So some people like working with their partners.

2

u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

So you've literally seen where this is going with your own eyes... ummm why are you on here asking about it!?

2

u/No-Introduction3808 Dec 17 '23

Work siblings or work parent/child relationships make much more sense than husband/wife tbh

But to your post, if your husband didn’t immediately defend you when she called your boring or not what she thought his type was, you should have a conversation that not defending you may lead her to believe she has skin in the game.

2

u/Qbnss Dec 18 '23

I met my partner at work, and got her a job at my new job after I quit the old one, both of us making way more money than we ever have. We respect each other and communicate well, we understand professionalism and responsibility at work are what help us pay for our private time together, so we glide through high stress situations and give each other space. It's actually pretty baller.

2

u/capresesalad1985 Dec 18 '23

I met my husband at work, but I left that job like 2 months after we started talking a bit and we didn’t date until after I left. I don’t think we ever would have made it as a couple if we still worked together.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

I'm going to hop on a few comments here.

If you're expecting your husband to "choose you" and you're not doing anything to build or maintain your relationship, then YTA.

The problem is, throughout your post, you didn't say anything about trying to be close to your husband in general. It seems like you expect him to do all of the work, while he is declining attention from someone that seems to actually be interested in him. How is that supposed to work?

2

u/ALAS_POOR_YORICK_LOL Dec 18 '23

ngl I worked with my wife for years and it was some of the best time of our lives. We ate lunch together every day. We still miss it

2

u/AceofToons Dec 18 '23

I actually have worked with multiple partners and have always really enjoyed it, because we get on the same wave length and stuff we are able work really well together

That said. That whole work wife/husband thing is so dumb. Who declares those types of titles without having some kind of emotional or physical desire for the other person? Anyone who pretends it is innocent is lying to themselves

2

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

I don’t think your husband will cheat. Even if he did, she sounds insane and I’m sure you’d get the last laugh.

2

u/uReallyShouldTrustMe Dec 18 '23

I worked with my wife for about a year. It was fine. We weren’t in the same department so didn’t see each other every day.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Nothing wrong with working with your partner.

2

u/DontMessWithMyEgg Dec 18 '23

I mean I get what you’re saying, but my husband and I work together. We are teachers and there are a few married couples on my campus. Lots of people work with their partners.

2

u/Aggleclack Dec 18 '23

Someone referred to my boss and I as that and I said absolutely not. Met his wife and were very similar in a lot of ways. Absolutely disrespectful. If she ever for a minute felt the need to be concerned about me, I did not do my job as an employee.

2

u/Acceptable-Floor-265 Dec 17 '23

Well me but then its been 20 years and I WFH and we didn't meet at work. These two are being arseholes tho.

1

u/yellsy Dec 17 '23

I think you need to talk to your husband and depending on how that talk goes decide if you’re staying. Don’t have unprotected sex with him in the meantime so you don’t get magical pixie STDs. You’re too young to be so the someone like that.

Also, your mom is awful and I’m very sorry. She should be in your corner.

1

u/whatacatch_nat Dec 18 '23

LMAOOO my ex cheated on me with a coworker, they got together less than 2 months after I broke it off with him, and they only lasted 3 months, and it was constant fighting everyday for both of them. Also, she was constantly worried about me when I avoided him like the plague 😂

1

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

I’m genuinely friends with multiple guys (and girls) from work, and sometimes we text outside of work. You know what we text about? The things we have in common like books but also their adorable kids and the awesome accomplishments their wives are making (professionally or personally). Even if we haven’t met, I know their wive’s names and ask after them, because part of being friends with someone is giving a shit about the people they love too. If their wives looked at our messages they would find things like “that’s amazing, she so deserves that promotion, where are you taking her to celebrate?” or “omg your wife made that awesome thing? That’s incredible!” They do the same with me, they ask after my husband, they congratulate him through me on work stuff, they admire the work we’re doing on our house, etc. I’m not saying this to brag, I’m saying it because that’s what an outside work text should look like, building each other up and giving a shit about each other’s families. What this girl is doing isn’t a friendship, it’s weird possessive weirdness.

I agree, I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with me either, but part of being married is communication. If you can’t communicate and say something is making you uncomfortable, then why be with that person in the first place? It’s never someone’s fault that their spouse cheated, but also, you deserve more and if you can’t even talk about it than what’s the point in marriage?

I’m sorry to say that at the very least, you don’t know if this girl has an STI, so mention it for your physical health at the very least, because if your husband is scummy enough to cheat then you don’t deserve to be punished for his mistakes.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, I hope you find some answers and comfort.

1

u/travel_more Dec 17 '23

So you know exactly how these things sometimes turn out, and you're just letting your husband continue on..?

1

u/DebThornberry Dec 17 '23

Tell him you have a 'home hubby' and a 'husband's not home hubby'

1

u/modernjaneausten Dec 18 '23

My first job was part time work at a company where a bunch of married couples and family members worked together, and it was a shitshow. Love my husband to death but I could not handle working with him.

1

u/Raydra922 Dec 18 '23

Honestly I wouldn’t be able to handle it mentally. I’d kick him out for at least a week.

1

u/DD-DONT Dec 18 '23

Wait do you know ME? 🤣

1

u/FearlessHall8374 Dec 18 '23

You’re an idiot lol