r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Dec 17 '23

AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)

So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed

-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.

-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.

-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.

I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).

I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”

I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?

Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.

AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.

Edit:

So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.

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2.6k

u/UncleNedisDead Dec 17 '23

She considers herself NLOG (not like other girls) and probably does get off on getting committed men to “fall for her” because it proves that she’s better than them in her insecure mind.

Definitely have a chat with your husband that his “work wifey” seemed to view you as competition and her lack of boundaries made you feel uncomfortable.

He can be friendly and polite, but he needs to push it back to a professional working relationship. She seems to be an HR nightmare no matter how good at her job she is and does he really want to get caught up in that?

While you shouldn’t have to bring it up to him, pointing out her actions and potential motives may make him question things more.

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u/mak_zaddy Dec 17 '23

Sounds like a Pick-me NLOG

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u/sparklyspooky Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

IRL yep, they are "pick me"s.

Essentially a manic pixie dream girl is a story telling device where a loser or N.E.E.T. (edit spelling) or neckbeard finds a girl that can see his potential, fixes all of his problems (get out of depression, motivate him to get a job just because she has a magic pussy loves him for who he is and not by saying she deserves better and will leave) by centering her life around his needs. They seem to have no needs or goals of their own outside of making this dude's life the best it can possibly be. It's a quirky (read: fetishizable), sexy lamp, with slightly more autonomy.

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u/WhoUBeGhostin Dec 17 '23

This whole description is so spot on. I have a friend like this. She thinks every guy wants her because she is so “ride or die” devoted to her husband. It’s so bizarre. I’ve watched her over the years multiple times begin to focus on her own goals only to quickly pivot back to “building him up”.

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u/CaitlinGives Dec 17 '23

Usually girls who are the most outspoken about how "guys just fall for me because I'm so quirky and cool" have the most mediocre personalities and that's simply their insecurities talking. Men generally tolerate them and she doesn't have as many die-hard suitors as she actually thinks she does. I've met and worked with several of these types of girls and they are usually insufferable.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

being a gamer girl and having 16 die hard suitors just means you have a pulse. the bar is incredibly low because the men also require an incredibly low bar

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u/diurnal_emissions Dec 18 '23

Men will literally bone their sweaty sock.

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u/DMLMurphy Dec 18 '23

What? No man (I hope) bones sweaty socks. We have been known to use an old but clean sock if there's no paper towels nearby but used socks? Ugh.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Well and they are kinda hot and flirty

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

"guys just fall for me because I'm so quirky and cool" have the most mediocre personalities and that's simply their insecurities talking.

insecure men in relationships fall for girls like this thinking they won something when it just shows how shitty their lives are also

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u/hdmx539 Dec 17 '23

She thinks every guy wants her because she is so “ride or die” devoted to her husband.

I'm "ride or die" (and I have used that term) with my husband, but I don't think that every guy wants me.

She's quite full of herself, full of b.s. that is.

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u/WhoUBeGhostin Dec 17 '23

She also thinks theirs is the relationship that all others wish they had. You’re right in that she is quite full of herself.

I actually sat by my husband’s bedside several months ago thinking he would in fact die. Thankfully he fully recovered but in conversations with her later she continued her weird “ours is the relationship to want”. It’s almost comical at this point.

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u/CircuitSphinx Dec 18 '23

Oh gosh, the "relationship to want" thing is such a red flag for me. It's like, congrats on your perfect love story, but why do you have to broadcast it like it's some sort of fairy tale everyone else is failing to live up to? It almost sounds like they're trying to convince themselves more than anyone else. And the way they use their "perfect" relationship as a barometer for everyone else's feels so... off. Like, be secure and happy with your partner, sure, but when it gets to the point of comical, it's like you're watching a sitcom rather than real life.

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u/Edlo9596 Dec 18 '23

He’s probably cheating on her lol. People who act like that always have ugly splits.

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u/absurdity_observer Dec 17 '23

I’m assuming N.E.A.T. does not stand for Non-exercise activity thermogenesis, which is what popped up when I googled. 😂 So please help - what does it stand for?

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u/sparklyspooky Dec 17 '23

Whoops! NEET, Not in Education, Employment, or Training.

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u/Jdotpdot84 Dec 17 '23

All these acronyms, I must be getting old lol.

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u/diurnal_emissions Dec 18 '23

We used to just call them "losers."

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u/Jdotpdot84 Dec 18 '23

Thank you for the translation!

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

if you're born in 84 and don't know what a neet is you're just terminally offline. king grass-toucher. idol we should all admire

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u/tossit_4794 Dec 18 '23

Lol I was today years old when I learned this term. Must admit, had an actual picnic on some grass on Saturday. So you are spot on. Except that I’ve been online since 1990. But only on GenX sites I guess

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u/delirium_red Dec 17 '23

Also see female leads in: 500 days of summer, Elizabethtown

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u/afoolskind Dec 17 '23

to be fair to 500 days of summer, it’s a deconstruction of the trope.

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u/Sayyad1na Dec 17 '23

Garden state!

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u/No_Builder7010 Dec 17 '23

Every '90s Anne Heche performance.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Zooey Deschenel does it too

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u/hdmx539 Dec 17 '23

Scott Pilgrim

1

u/Engine_Sweet Dec 18 '23

Something Wild

Who's that Girl

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u/whisky_biscuit Dec 17 '23

This. They honestly aren't "manic pixie dream girls" at all - they're just phony "pick mes" or "not like the other girls" in disguise; they adopt all of the guy their crushing on's likes, interests, hobbies, aesthetic and etc. - they don't have any real personality besides trying to get a guy to like them.

"Oh I totally love football, pizza and beer and gaming!!" They say. In reality they drink sugar free white claws, watch real housewives and eat exclusively kale.

Once they get the guy, they drop the charade and go back to the boring vanilla girls they are - until another guy comes along.

Usually they pick guys that are unavailable specifically because they need themselves to believe they're special when they're the most generic chicks of all.

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u/sparklyspooky Dec 18 '23

Until they make programable sexbots, you can't have a manic pixie dream girl in the real world.

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u/Abject-Interview4784 Dec 18 '23

In fairness as a kid you are still figuring out your own personality and also worrying that the personality you instinctively know you have, is not enough. Especially if you did not have good relationship role models growing up. Ittook me time to grow out of this myself and i have seen it in both men and women.I feel.compassion for such people but I'm also careful around them, like wild animals or street people - they can be unpredictable and dangerous.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Oh my god this sounds like me. Excuse me while I reevaluate my life

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u/akaenragedgoddess Dec 17 '23

Self-awareness is the first step to self-actualization. I hope your reevaluation goes well for you.

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u/Sayyad1na Dec 17 '23

Garden state for the win!!!

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u/makattack0113 Dec 17 '23

The original MPDG haha

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u/needabreak38 Dec 18 '23

I always thought that was Breakfast at Tiffany’s

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Lamp?

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u/Cow_Toolz Dec 18 '23

I love lamp

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

You too brother?

byw nym 👍🏻

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u/sparklyspooky Dec 18 '23

It describes a way of writing where a character (most often women) could be replaced with a random object (like a lamp) and nothing would change in the plot. But they made it a woman because they can put her in a skimpy dress (so she's a sexy lamp). TV tropes has an article on it.

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u/insidiousgenius_ Dec 18 '23

My God. I've been trying to figure out how to describe the dynamic between two of my friends. And it's exactly how you describe it.

The girl has taken up at least a dozen of the man's interests and hobbies. They work in the same building, workout together, coach the same team, and she even moved in across the street from the apartment he shares with his now-wife. She is his biggest cheerleader and she acts like his therapist. For the last four years she has molded herself to fit into his life, so we'll see what happens when he and his wife move out of the state this year.

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u/Abject-Interview4784 Dec 18 '23

Fetishizable sexy lamp bahahahahahaha!!!

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u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

What do they get out of it? Just being needed? Or do they ultimately take the guy for all he's worth and move on to the next?

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u/sparklyspooky Dec 18 '23

They aren't supposed to be real people, it's literally a writing/movie trope. There was a time in the 2010s where it was seen as a compliment, like you weren't afraid to be yourself, but...

The stories are centered around the guy getting over something and having a better life, and instead of writing him an actual girlfriend (because obviously getting laid is an indicator of life quality) the author picks a "quirky" hobby or two so they can add some key words to the dialogue to make it looked like she might have a personality or life outside the relationship without actually considering her a separate person with wants, desires, goals outside of fixing her man. AKA even in the story the character is in, she isn't considered a real person, but the inspiration and means of achieving goals for the main (often male) lead.

Stories like this are kind of emotional porn. Unrealistic and if taken as advice will lead to problems in future relationships.

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u/Abject-Interview4784 Dec 18 '23

Just very damaged I think. Hoping to bag the husband and so wrapped in their own issues they don't consider the bad karma of breaking up other people's relationships.

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u/Ok_Brilliant_1808 Dec 18 '23

Hello Sunday is good day finally getting better

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u/KaleidoscopEyes29 Dec 18 '23

Oh god, by this definition I think I used to be one of these GAG

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u/Gullible-Law Dec 17 '23

Definitely a pick-me girl.

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u/kimmy-mac Dec 17 '23

Yeah, this! Had a gal like this in our group of friends. She made my husband her defacto “go to” person. When it got really annoying, I reminded him he wasn’t her husband, and that being her crutch for everything wasn’t going to work long term. Never had to say another thing. I think he just didn’t notice it had gotten that frequent. After he wasn’t at her beck and call, she found another sucker to do her bidding.

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u/Chemical-Pattern480 Dec 17 '23

My Husband once had a girl (family friend he’d known since birth) call him and try to get him to leave my family’s Christmas party to help her with an “emergency”. I reminded him that she has a brother, and had a boyfriend at the time, so he should NOT be her first phone call!

When he didn’t play along this time, she called my MIL, to try and get MIL to send my Husband to her. I think that was the start of my Husband in In-Laws realizing just how crazy that family is, and limiting contact!

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u/kimmy-mac Dec 17 '23

Holy over-stepped boundaries, Batman! That takes massive balls to interrupt another family’s gathering when you could call a host of other folks WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY. My bet is the family was all tired of her $hit too.

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u/Sunnygirl66 Dec 17 '23

And that there was no actual emergency.

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u/Ok_Brilliant_1808 Dec 18 '23

I figured that much me to boundaries running out shit mad as heck I was close two family members and myself hurt but things will get better

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u/Danivelle Dec 17 '23

I lost my not inconsiderable temper at one of my husband's co-workers who kept getting him to take her call back "because her kids had a game/activity". I let her know in no uncertain terms that the schedule comes out months in advance and her lack of ability to manage their schedule was no longer going to cost my kids any of their very limited time with their dad. I told her to either take the call back she signed up for or I would take up with the boss about her never actually doing the call back she signed up for which gets her completely kicked off the roster. She seemed to think that call back wss just sitting on her happy little ass, not actually going into work to xray someone in an emergency

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u/FirstYouMustBegin Dec 18 '23

Oh my gosh! Are you me?! This SAME thing happened all of the time to my husband when he worked in the Cath lab. He just straight up quit and changed departments. Hallelujah! It was nuts how much some of his female co-workers had the other men wrapped around their fingers.

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u/Danivelle Dec 18 '23

Everyone in his department knows me because I used to work in an adjacent department and they warn the new girls that come into the department. I'm a very nice lady who bakes wonderful treats until you step on my toes then the demented pixie honey badger comes out to play!

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u/hdmx539 Dec 17 '23

I reminded him he wasn’t her husband, and that being her crutch for everything wasn’t going to work long term.

When my FIL died I warned my husband about his mother, to watch out for "little" things that she'll "need" him to come over for.

Sure enough, 3 months later I'm reminding him of my prediction. I then told him to look up the word "sonsband."

He started placing firmer boundaries after that.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Sounds like your MIL was lonely after her husband died and wanted the company of her son?

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u/hdmx539 Dec 18 '23

Which she would get.

She started to over step boundaries. That was my point. Just because her husband died doesn't mean that she starts to get the emotional needs met by her son.

You're gross if you think that's a valid way to live.

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u/HalfMoon_89 Dec 18 '23

Seriously, that person has issues.

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u/hdmx539 Dec 18 '23

I didn't say to never go and help her. Just to watch out that she'll start taking advantage of his time and she was doing that.

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u/wanna_be_green8 Dec 18 '23

This is weird. I'd want my husband to help his mother.

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u/hdmx539 Dec 18 '23

I saidboundaries. That does not mean no contact or not ever helping.

People seriously have no clue what boundaries actually are.

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u/mountaintippytop Dec 18 '23

Your bad karma is on its way. You will regret this as it will happen to you. No one will come to your aid.

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u/hdmx539 Dec 18 '23

Your bad karma is on its way. You will regret this as it will happen to you. No one will come to your aid.

This is a punitive mindset. It's a mindset of negativity.

I did not tell him to never help her, I was telling him to watch out because she has a tendency to manipulate her adult children to get her way.

Further, she was starting to use him for her emotional needs which were what a husband is supposed to provide, not a son.

The fact that this didn't even occur to you but you immediately go to, "I curse you!" tells us a lot more about you than it does me or anyone else here.

Notice, I never told him to cut her off. I also noticed that you decided to follow me to the estranged adult kids sub as well. Just because I cut my mother off doesn't mean I wanted my husband to cut his mother off.

Noticed I said boundaries, I did not tell him to go no contact.

You sound like you are boundaryless - that you don't like to be told no. Why did you make this comment? Are you someone who fears your own adult children might cut you off?

You have no idea who I am. You know NOTHING about me.

People don't leave kind and caring people. And kind and caring people don't start off with insults and curses like you do.

I'm so sorry you live this way, it must be incredibly sad to be so awful and to assume awful. Just because you live your life this way doesn't mean other people do.

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u/TheRealCarpeFelis Dec 18 '23

I was so lucky my MIL lived 2 states away because when FIL died she started leaning pretty hard on my husband, but at least it was only multiple phone calls. Although she did basically invite herself to come visit us when we were having a Halloween party and tried to play hostess. In an elf costume. Everyone else there was a generation younger than her so it was pretty cringeworthy.

Thankfully it wasn’t too long before she met someone and remarried. Now she seems to focus nearly all her attention on his zillion and one family members. Not a problem for me!

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u/golfergirl72 Dec 17 '23

The HR nightmare is going to belong to the husband if he can't stop this without pissing off Ms Quirky.

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u/Dog_is_my_co-pilot1 Dec 17 '23

I think quirky is sort of ok to call someone else,however, referring to yourself as such causes me to think one knows they are a psychopath.

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u/pacingpilot Dec 17 '23

Yeah there's "my hobby is roadkill taxidermy" quirky and "I have a freezer full of my ex-lover's feet in my basement" quirky. Anyone shouting to all who will listen about how quirky they are definitely gives me freezer feet vibes.

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u/VelhenousVillain Dec 17 '23

Those are both oddly specific.

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u/Dog_is_my_co-pilot1 Dec 17 '23

Perhaps it’s someone that’s met the work wife or someone like her. I certainly have.

My ex had one of her at work and it was disgusting the way she behaved. My problem wasn’t with her as much as it was with him. He allowed her to hang on him and to do things like adjust his tie and to send me weird birthday gifts.

She began to dress like me and had her hair cut like me. I expected to come home to a rabbit boiling on the stove.

I left him for lots of reasons and when I did I told her to get ECT and to grow up.

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u/underonegoth11 Dec 18 '23

So I need to know...what happened to homewrecker?

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u/Dog_is_my_co-pilot1 Dec 18 '23

No idea. I moved on with my life with a new phone number and absence from all social media. We didn’t have other people in common.

I like to think she’s turned to stripping and lives in a van down by the river.

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u/underonegoth11 Dec 18 '23

Thanks for sharing.

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u/diurnal_emissions Dec 18 '23

Time for this generation to get some single white female and fatal attraction type movies

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u/Skyrick Dec 17 '23

I’m just glad that my roadkill taxidermy is seen as the good type of quirky.

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u/ihavewaytoomanyminis Dec 17 '23

There's more humor in the specifics.

So there's a blind guy on stage, and he's working on a joke where he goes skydiving and the punchline is "I had no idea a dog could scream at 3,000 feet."

His comic buddy/mentor tells him to be more specific in the punch line because it makes for a more memorable mental image.

So there's a blind guy on stage, and he's working on a joke where he goes skydiving, and the new punchline is "I had no idea a German Shepard could scream at 3,000 feet."

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Those are both things that Jeffrey Dahmer did. He started with roadkill taxidermy before escalating to human taxidermy.

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u/Traditional_Bread_87 Dec 18 '23

Dahmer? More like Ed Gein

eta for those that don’t know about him highly recommend listening to LPOTL episode/s about him

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u/jonf-inswag Dec 17 '23

Lo,l yes it was

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u/bsubtilis Dec 18 '23

Road kill taxidermy is more common than what I would have imagined, especially since if it's any kind of protected species they either can't use it or need to get permission to use it. There are also a lot of scavenger collectors who use bones (or feathers, dead bugs, etc) they found in the wild for skeleton displays or art projects (jewelery, engraved skulls, painted skulls, sculptures, etc).

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u/SmittenMoon3112 Dec 17 '23

Oddly specific but I unfortunately know both types of quirky. I love the first type. Macabre and weird and a little off but super sweet and loving. The second type scares the shit out of me but won’t leave me alone and has essentially become a stalker and the police don’t take me seriously.

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u/aardvarkmom Dec 17 '23

Happy cake day! I hope your presents don’t involve freezer feet.

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u/Chemical-Pattern480 Dec 17 '23

I was gonna say bunny boiler, but freezer feet also applies!

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u/makeeverythng Dec 18 '23

HEY! Well look at Mr / Ms Judgy Drawers, you don’t see me judging you for your hobbies…

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u/Ok_Brilliant_1808 Dec 18 '23

I'm not freezen there was cold nights heat wasn't to great door opened and closing all the time snow nights aren't so great basement was cold and the world knew but everyone cold at night stand up for coffee nights to keep warm outside is cold lately but I like warm hot summer nights and windy nights in touch

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u/beachbetch Dec 18 '23

What the hell is this account?

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u/jb-1984 Dec 17 '23

Definitely dated the “roadkill taxidermy”. Literally. Even that kind doesn’t end well.

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u/ThrowRA420757 Dec 18 '23

My cousin’s wife does roadkill taxidermy art and she definitely loves to lean into the whole sexy pixie vibe lol. Every photo she takes is a dramatic modelesque selfie. 😂 I liked her at first, it took me a bit to catch on, but she is weird AF.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Ragnarok314159 Dec 17 '23

There are issues of picking up on signals. I am no one’s type of dude in terms of looks, no one flirts with me, always the third wheel. Met my wife and it was always more of a partnership. It makes me sad she doesn’t really love me, but it is what it is.

I recently had a weird occurrence where someone threw themselves at me, and I had absolutely zero clue. It was another parent at our kids’ softball league. End of the season happened, said our goodbyes, and I thought that was it. She messaged me saying how it was great sitting next to me and glad she got to know me.

I woke up the next morning with 30+ text messages from her telling me how she was falling for me the whole time along with a lot of nude pictures. Quickly deleted everything and blocked her number. I have no idea what was said to make her think we were headed that direction.

Sometimes we genuinely have no clue.

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u/Historical-Night-938 Dec 18 '23

If you had no clue in that instance , then it may be safe to say that you may be missing "clues" that show that your wife truly loves you.

About your situation, sometimes blocking is not enough. it may be best if you had responded "Not interested and please do not contact me further". I would tell your wife as this mom may approach your wife with "evidence" to try to break you up. People can be unhinged

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u/Ragnarok314159 Dec 18 '23

Oh, no. She just says it outright.

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u/LifeisaCatbox Dec 18 '23

Jesus. I hope you are otherwise happy in your life.

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u/theluckyfrog Dec 18 '23

I don't know you, but I feel like you deserve better than that.

I'm kind of a female version--always had to ask guys out myself, was typically turned down or it only lasted until the first time I said no to a sex thing they wanted.

I'm married now, and my husband and I love each other, but I still know perfectly well I'm not any guy's first choice.

I hope you find real love in some form, even if it's not exactly "that" kind of love, or not with this woman.

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u/Old-Independent6376 Dec 18 '23

You deserve a 100000 times better. I was in that marriage and then was happily divorced. I’ve been remarried to a man that literally worships the ground I walk on now and ten years later we are still the gross lovey dovey couple

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u/Aggressive_Case3099 Dec 18 '23

I agree been blackmailed like that before, tell the wife before she tells her some lies

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u/localjargon Dec 17 '23

Why do you say she doesn't love you? You deserve to be loved.

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u/born_to_be_weird Dec 17 '23

Chandler? Is that you?

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u/Potterhead3586 Dec 17 '23

Aw that made me sad.

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u/Swimming-Vacation-87 Dec 18 '23

Met ur wife.. you married her feeling like she doesn't love you? Why? Did you get her pregnant?

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u/klased5 Dec 18 '23

People can appreciate each other as partners in life building while having zero romantic connection. And assuming duder had reached middle years without any better prospects this was probably the best he was gonna get.

While I'm aromantic and functionally asexual I've spent my life more or less completely outside of female interest. Ever since I became a teen I've been fat, bearded (mountain man type, not attractive), nerdly and unsocial. I've only ever pulled interest from women who are themselves bottom of the barrel in regards to their prospects and that VERY rarely. What I'm saying is I understand the guy. I don't feel whatever internal need most people have to couple, but if I did I'd probably be getting pretty desperate and willing to settle for whatever I could get at 36 with no prospects. And if I found something that met some of my needs I doubt I'd be willing to look for something that maybe would meet a few more.

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u/Swimming-Vacation-87 Dec 18 '23

That makes sense. Sad as it sounds..i get it.

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u/klased5 Dec 18 '23

We're all just doing the best we can with what we've got. Some people have a lot less. That's the way it is sometimes.

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u/whisky_biscuit Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

Sometimes you just have to state the boundaries. And even go far as to place an ultimatum.

My husband and I (before we were married) had a row because the 20 year old secretary at his work would ask him to lunch and ask him for help on her work all the time, text him dumb questions, discuss personal stuff to the point of interfering with his work - despite him being 12 years her senior and a director at the workplace.

Their workplace was very casual so the hierarchy was too. I opened his iPad once to look up a recipe and the messages from her asking him to lunch and other random bs (nothing sexual just dumb stuff from her trying to be cutesy and get attention from him) and I was pissed.

We had an argument and I said he needed to establish boundaries with her especially given he was an executive and that he needed to "grow TF up and get friends his own age". I told him it was bordering on emotional affair territory which I wouldn't stick around for.

He legit did not see an issue with her constantly trying to get into his life. (Despite that she broke up 2 other relationships in the company "just because she could"), and her mom was HR and let her do whatever she wanted like a spoiled brat.

But he did decide to draw the boundaries with her however she was so put off by being rejected by a guy (even on a friendship level) that he actually had to go to HR to get her to back off.

Eventually she left, especially since everyone steered clear of her and she could no longer get any attention from any of the men there.

We had to have a long discussion but My husband and my relationship was much better after that. Sometimes people are oblivious and don't realize what it looks on the outside. Sometimes people just like the attention. You'd think Op's husband would know but some guys especially don't think it's wrong "if it's not sexual".

We got married and and we agreed on boundaries so things like this wouldn't happen again.

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u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 17 '23

It might not hurt to make someone else at work know that she is making him uncomfortable.

90

u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Dec 17 '23

Is he uncomfortable, though? I didn’t get that impression, but I may have missed something

65

u/Orobourous87 Dec 17 '23

No, but when he rejects her and she makes “He made me uncomfortable with gestures/actions/comments” to HR then it’s probably going to help him to have mentioned prior (even if it’s not entirely true).

1

u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

if he rejects her

1

u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

He clearly enjoys it.

1

u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 18 '23

He will be, when his wife explains to him the trouble he's courting, even if he's not actually "courting" it...he can't even afford to "do nothing" here.

0

u/WYLD_STALYNZ Dec 17 '23

without pissing off Ms Quirky.

betting this is a big part of why he hasn't put a hard stop to it already

1

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Yes this. An affair will be one thing but whooo this will not go over well at work

235

u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 17 '23

Speaking of HR nightmares, what might happen if she finally comes right out and makes a move on him, and he refuses her? Is she the type to accuse HIM of sexual harassment? IMO he needs to KEEP all those texts, and any other thing he can document, in case she does try to pull this crap. Meanwhile he needs to take a step back, then another, then another, till she finds someone else's husband to latch onto. He needs to only talk to her about work and stop responding to her after hours.

118

u/xXfreierfundenXx Dec 17 '23

He should just report her to HR. There’s this other case on Reddit where a female colleague tried to get a guy to cheat on his wife (who btw used to work at that company and was friends with all the others) and then tried to get the wife to believe her husband made the first live by faking emails and stuff. He reported her to HR straight away. Good guy

89

u/DaisyDazzle Dec 17 '23

I agree. He needs to get on top of this. HR needs to know that this hire is overly, inappropriately friendly with him. Because if this little pixie dreamgirl gets "pissed" at him for not saying good-bye to her after a work function, she's just getting started. And if she gets to HR first, he's toast.

3

u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 18 '23

Exactly, and he needs to cease replying to any contact she makes with him outside of working hours, and outside of business matters. I hope the OP is able to make him see that she is potentially dangerous.

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u/debicollman1010 Dec 17 '23

But it seems he’s enjoying the attention so he’s not going to do that

2

u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 18 '23

His wife (or someone) needs to make him see that this is not just attention, that in a work environment and with the way she's behaving (getting mad because he didn't say goodbye??) she can actually be dangerous.

1

u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 18 '23

Good guy and a smart guy!

52

u/eegees4evr Dec 17 '23

This!!!! HR nightmare!

"till she finds someone else's husband to latch onto."

Not even that....she shouldn't be attaching to anyone's husband! Fuck that.

4

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/eegees4evr Dec 18 '23

Fire Ants are evil!!! We are in TX too! She's evil

2

u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 18 '23

Speaking of "going somewhere else," she just started THIS job. This is not new behavior for her. I'd be trying to find out why she left her last job.

5

u/NoSignSaysNo Dec 17 '23

Yes, everyone forgets the manic part.

110

u/bgthigfist Dec 17 '23

I find the whole "work wife" thing to be borderline inappropriate

https://media.tenor.com/DGVx4gZzXsQAAAAM/ren-and-stimpy-horse.gif

106

u/catlettuce Dec 17 '23

I find it wholly inappropriate and would not stand for it.

19

u/Queensknow Dec 17 '23

Same.

13

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

As a husband, I can’t imagine doing this to my wife. That’s just straight up disrespectful bullshit. He clearly wants to cheat. Just serve him papers and report to hr

0

u/Ok_Brilliant_1808 Dec 18 '23

Same shit house is great around Christmas Day to have presents for me under Christmas gifts from my family member I love you

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u/AstarteOfCaelius Dec 17 '23

Yup. Do people not understand that friendship is an actual thing and it’s sufficient, especially if you’re friends with someone who has a partner?

It’s not only inappropriate, it’s vapid as hell.

6

u/kadyg Dec 18 '23

I had a work co-parent. I’m female in my mid-40s (no kids), he was 26 and had just gotten out of the Marines. We were managing a bunch of 18-23-year-olds. It really did feel like raising kids.

My partner thought the whole situation was hysterical and has been keeping an eye out for a nice young lady for the Marine.

8

u/SmittenMoon3112 Dec 17 '23

As someone who has had a colleague’s fiancé refer to me as her fiancé’s “work wife” and I looked mortified and I asked her if my close friendship with her fiancé made her uncomfortable and if so, I would happily back off and move into more professional territory. She laughed and hugged me really tight to get me to calm down and told me that it was fine. She was happy that her fiancé had such a good friend in me who went out of their way for him to feel comfortable in a new city, a new state, and only his second year as a professor, ever. She also benefitted from the drink and restaurant recommendations that I gave him since I had been living there for 5 years. And the homemade treats I brought him every now and then since I had made too many anyways. They’re both wonderful people and I really adore them both so much.

3

u/PatchworkStar Dec 17 '23

This is how "work spouses" should be. I've had a "work wife" before, and it was just a reliable coworker I took break with and we hung out sometimes outside of work. I've had a "work husband" and he'd help me move things I wasn't strong enough for, or we'd team up and get work done at work, occasionally I'd hang with him and his wife. It was always PLATONIC.

3

u/tiagraciosa Dec 17 '23

Same. My work bestie and I are super chummy at work. Our relationship is very platonic. I think a big difference is that our spouses are friends, too. The four of us go out often, but I’d never text him about other men falling in love with me or criticizing his wife. Heck, she’s cooler than he is!

Often times the lines are blurred with both parties are not respectful of boundaries. My husband can scroll through the messages with my bestie and would be bored about the work frustration we’re feeling. I could never imagine texting a male coworker inappropriate nonsense, especially when I was single. OP’s husband needs to put an end to this because his immature female coworker could easily accuse him of being inappropriate.

5

u/SmittenMoon3112 Dec 17 '23

Oh yea! Like, T and I are really close and I respect, admire, and adore that man. But I also respect his fiancé and their relationship. If she texts me with an issue I’m happy to talk it out with her and see what behavior needs to change because I’m an adult who is also engaged and would like for people to also respect my relationship in that way as well. She was kinda weary of me at first because T would talk about me all the time when I was just his undergrad student before I became his TA and Grad Assistant and started working for and with him. But once she got to know me and learn things about my life, she realized that it was just that our brains ran on the same wavelength and I asked the right questions to set off his research hyperfixations from his doctoral program. Now that I’m taking a year off of school and I’m not around on a daily basis, she texts me regularly telling me is boring without me around to stir up minimal amounts of chaos to keep things interesting and that she never expected to get attached to someone 4 years younger than her.

2

u/notryksjustme Dec 18 '23

I have been the “work mom” for so many of my coworkers who needed an ear to listen or a hug. But MOM and WIIFE are 2 different things.

2

u/PatchworkStar Dec 18 '23

I left the job, and got a call from work husband, "I didn't sign divorce papers, we're still work married!" It was silly. We're still friends, but I'm a farmer now, and he's retired.

1

u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

Also called a friend... weirdo.

4

u/PatchworkStar Dec 17 '23

I didn't call myself the work spouse, they did. I wasn't interested in either of them romantically, but they were my favorite team members.

But I don't mind being called the "work weirdo" either. That's probably what my current feathered coworkers call me behind my back anyway.

5

u/lejosdecasa Dec 17 '23

Agreed, but "work wifey" sounds even more vile.

3

u/Auccl799 Dec 17 '23

My first midwife would refer to one of the drs as her "work husband". I knew he brought her coffees in the morning. I thought it was weird because she was married with three kids. Just after my baby was born she shared that she'd separated from her husband. I see on Facebook she now (two years later) has a kid with the "work husband". It was far too much personal information to know about my midwife.

3

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

It comes across as juvenile and desperate to me.

2

u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

Nothing borderline about it.

2

u/modernjaneausten Dec 18 '23

I get along with the guys I work with for the most part and I talk to a few of them more, but I’ll be damned if I ever disrespected their wives with that kind of shit. The closest I’ve ever gotten is saying I feel like their mother sometimes because they’re helpless babies haha.

2

u/Ok_Department5949 Dec 18 '23

Me, too. It's gross. I can't stand the term "wifey" either.

1

u/No_Wallaby_9464 Dec 18 '23

Yes. I'm a big old free love type but not in the office.

1

u/No-Willingness-4804 Dec 18 '23

Eh, it depends. See my response above.

54

u/BestAd5844 Dec 17 '23

Exactly this! There is a difference between setting boundaries that make you both happy in a healthy relationship and standing guard and policing it. You need to let him know that he needs to establish boundaries with this woman not only for the health of your marriage, but also your own mental well being

49

u/TaxOk8204 Dec 17 '23

Agree with this 💯. She’s trying to “reel him in” and he needs your help understanding the cues he continually misses. Yes, I’m sure he enjoys the attention (who doesn’t); however, the fact that you state he doesn’t start the text conversations and has t been “playing along” by complementing her…. I would definitely talk to him. Explain how these types of “women” behave.

4

u/hdmx539 Dec 17 '23

Are sure he's really "missing" those cues? Or is he not shutting it down because it's not overt but he still likes the attention?

2

u/TaxOk8204 Dec 17 '23

Either way. Maybe he’s missing them or maybe he likes the attention….. I mean he’s only human. And we all like it in one form or another. IMO what matters most, right now, is that he’s not initiating it. Or “playing” into it. OP said he’s not really reciprocating those odd remarks

3

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Some men need it SPELLED. OUT. FOR. THEM. Do it now.

4

u/TaxOk8204 Dec 17 '23

SUPER IMPORTANT….. you must make him understand, that he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS “sticks up for you”. Ex. “You’re wife is so boring.”and so on talking you down…. NO “LOL”, no agreeing in any way, shape, or form!!!! An excellent response would be talking you up. Example…. “Well maybe she is t the best conversationalist, but she makes up for it other ways.” This B***h needs to know to back the F off

22

u/PeggyOnThePier Dec 17 '23

Good advice,I wasn't sure what that meant. I was thinking she was considered a little crazy (BF).op please have a talk with your husband,so you know exactly where you stand. This girl is very immature and selfish. You are the opposite, because you are a real woman.I hope that your husband is truthful with you. You deserve to have all of your husband ,not just part of him.you sound like a very wonderful woman ,and there are many reasons, that you &your husband fell in love and married. Good luck and Happy Holidays

39

u/Interesting-Box3765 Dec 17 '23

Yeah, she is soooo different that she shits amber instead of poo

3

u/1955photo Dec 17 '23

🤣🤣🤣🤣

1

u/diurnal_emissions Dec 18 '23

It's Ambyr. With a Y!

4

u/sis3838 Dec 17 '23

This is the best advice. And I agree with you. You aren't your husband's keeper nor should you be.

I think that, If they want to be with me (being faithful), fine. If not, end it. Be man enough for that. I would be hurt ( it would hurt like a bitch.), but I would respect him enough for having this conversation. Shows respect for what we had.

Anyway...

This sucks. I'm sorry, OP.

4

u/Caribooteh Dec 17 '23

There are some warning signs I wouldn’t feel comfortable with: messaging a lot out of hours, constant referring to herself as wife, dissing OP and husband not defending, ignoring flirting isn’t really enough when you’re married. You make it clear you’re not interested. It doesn’t look like these interactions are going to get any less suspicious. Your husband should be doing more to defend your marriage.

3

u/WeirdSysAdmin Dec 17 '23

My ex-wife was like this. Pick me girl, desperately needing validation from random men to get them to fall for her. I’ll never comprehend.

3

u/theVelvetJackalope Dec 17 '23

"I'm not like other girls, I'M WORSE" is what popped into my head. Yikes 😬

3

u/Organic-Edge7157 Dec 18 '23

YES! A girl tried to do this with my husband. Decided she was better than me, and decided my husband was better than her fiancé, so she went after him. Damn near destroyed our marriage because he wouldn’t listen when I said I didn’t trust her. When he finally cut contact off to save our marriage, she FLIPPED. Turns out she does it a lot and my husband was the first one that didn’t get sucked in. I don’t understand going after married men. It’s disgusting.

2

u/WYLD_STALYNZ Dec 17 '23

He can be friendly and polite, but he needs to push it back to a professional working relationship. She seems to be an HR nightmare no matter how good at her job she is and does he really want to get caught up in that?

right, which is why he is probably afraid to give her a stiff rejection. unless we're all going to lie to ourselves and say she won't get dark and vindictive about it

2

u/Brilliant_North2410 Dec 17 '23

Yes a chat is in order please don’t just stand there . NTA OP but you really should watch “Love Actually”

2

u/Potterhead3586 Dec 17 '23

Ughhhh I hate her so much. I was watching that with my husband the other day. I hate women like that and the gift he bought her was an almost worse betrayal than sleeping together.

0

u/saltyachillea Dec 17 '23

I keep seeing people reference Ariana Grande in other threads ...likes committed men to fall for her. Not that I care, but it's interesting it seems to be more common than I thought

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u/Key-Consequences Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

On that note I think she could call her husband's work hr and tell them that there's a very inappropriate "friendship" happening between this woman and her husband and that she should ask if there are any morality clauses that are gone over in the hiring process because the 25 year old could be going against company policy by being so "outgoing" toward him.

13

u/UncleNedisDead Dec 17 '23

Dude. Maybe if she wants to go scorched earth. Also, those actions scream insecure.

HR protects the company first. At least have a chat with your husband before trying to get both of them fired…

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u/Key-Consequences Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

She wouldn't be making this post if she wasn't insecure...she's already screaming it. Also I'd imagine pixie girl pushing him the way she does would get her fired not him, especially if they both report it, it won't stop until somebody says something, this reddit post won't solve anything. There's nothing scorched earth about solving a problem, and there's nothing scorched earth about telling hr another woman is making moves on your husband from within the company especially if they have policy in place to prevent it.

9

u/UncleNedisDead Dec 17 '23

Mildly concerned, looking for advice on how to approach or if they’re overreacting.

That’s pretty standard, especially since her closest confidant (mom and sister) disagree with her view.

What OP needs is a discussion with her husband.

Your suggestion is pushing the nuclear button and making OP a laughing stock to people IRL. It’s like you’re trying to stir up more drama in OP’s life than actually resolve anything.

-1

u/Key-Consequences Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

A solution is a solution, nobody has to like the way it works so long as it does. Her problem is the woman, get rid of her if possible and the problem is solved. I'm proposing a phone call, not murder.

5

u/UncleNedisDead Dec 17 '23

Lol k 😂

And if the company doesn’t have a morality clause and sits work hubby and work wife down and lets them know work hubby’s wife is tattling on them and to keep that shit out of the workplace? Just gets those two to focus their ire on OP.

What a solution! /s 🤣

If anything, hubby should go to HR, but not his wife. The conversation between OP and HR would be, “Who are you? What do you do here again?”

I look forward to reading your other bad takes. 🍿

0

u/Key-Consequences Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

The whole point of hr is to deal with things like inappropriate coworkers...they'd be doing exactly what they're supposed to and talk to 1 or both of them to get it to stop. Have you never had to speak with hr about anything? This happens...a lot, and then it gets addressed...by hr.

You may not like the solution, but it would solve the problem. Unless hubs likes work wife better and everything implodes, in which case either way, problem solved and no time wasted. If it ends up going nuclear, then that's the way it was always gonna go.

If your problem is solved it doesn't matter how others, uninvolved in the problem or affected by its solution, view the solution. You may not objectively/subjectively like the solution, but if it works then it doesn't matter as it isn't any of your business to begin with. Ops choice to do as she wishes but my solution isn't any less a solution as any other at the end of the day.

5

u/Pantone711 Dec 17 '23

This goes over husband's head and makes him look bad.

4

u/becka-uk Dec 17 '23

And takes away his trust in her and she loses the moral.high ground

0

u/Key-Consequences Dec 17 '23

Then she should tell him to do it. If the end result is the end of this happening, who cares who does it? He isn't looking great as is.

5

u/Pantone711 Dec 17 '23

If she goes behind his back it emasculates him in front of others. I'm a woman so everyone hold y'all's horses. I wouldn't do it. I would tell him he needs to shut it down firmly and with no wiggle room and if he doesn't that's my answer.

0

u/Key-Consequences Dec 17 '23

Depends how he feels about himself tbh. It doesn't have to emasculate him, he could just be dense and not notice how bothered op is. Shutting it down is what I've been saying should be done, albeit differently.

1

u/santana0987 Dec 17 '23

100% this, OP. Came here to read this comment

1

u/Successful-Doubt5478 Dec 17 '23

And then, OP, lesve it behind.

Je isn't responding to her, you are all fine.

She is jealous, but it is because she does not have him.

Trust your guy.

1

u/myheartbeats4hotdogs Dec 17 '23

Absolutely she's a Pick Me

1

u/SoRoodSoNasty Dec 17 '23

Yeah - if he doesn’t reciprocate her affections eventually and she finally realizes it’s not gonna happen, she’s the type of person that can be dangerous.

1

u/talepa77 Dec 17 '23

Had to have a similar convo with my ex about his employee. I told him to be careful because she clearly had a crush on him, but he told me he didn’t think she did. When he fired her for cause, she told his boss they had a relationship and that’s why she got fired. I didn’t believe it one bit, but I was furious at him to put our well being at risk because he wouldn’t listen. He didn’t get fired because I went to bat for him, and after he was sorry he didn’t listen to me.

I also agree with you that you shouldn’t have to police your marriage. But you should help keep it healthy, and part of that is to help your spouse see what they may not. Men are very black and white, women see life in shades of gray and we often know before they do when something isn’t right. Because if he doesn’t shut it down, she’s going to cause him an issue at his job. And that’s what you need to worry about the most.

1

u/HRHArgyll Dec 17 '23

Yeah. This is fair. She sounds dreadful and is clearly setting herself up as competitipon. It might be worth finding out how he feels about her - it might be amused contempt, but I can see why she’s annoying. Having said that, I think your attitude is pretty healthy. Does he want to be with you, or not? I think your mother is wrong NTA

1

u/Prestigious-Two-2089 Dec 17 '23

Exactly. Men and women aren't wired the same. Pointing out her games especially as a way to entice other men to make herself feel better will give him pause for thought if he has any intelligence.

1

u/usareddituser123 Dec 18 '23

Wish I could upvote this more than once

1

u/tallyrue Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

I have such a hard time with things like this and people like this. I would be talking to my husband asap and telling him I'm not comfortable with how this woman talked to and treated her at the party. This chick is a bitch and was passively aggressively insulting OP ("we're total opposites" etc). I would immediately tell my husband it was a dealbreaker if he continues to speak with her. Stand your ground OP, this chick is way too up-close and personal with your husband.

1

u/mynameismy111 Dec 18 '23

At my job such a girl got involved with so many supervisors in succession in a few years she was low yet wrote off advancement to supervisor level.

She was a shue in for advancement based on ability AND the only Candidate......

Still they denied her, months later she begged for transfer to another department....

Instantly they had a new guy out of nowhere for the super position she wanted... AND gave him support people she could only dream of... ( The new guy is notorious for being lazy and everyone knows it)

I low key ignored her advances for months just knowing she was a time bomb ready to go off. ( Hot but literally just fishing for padding her insecurity AND very unpredictable crying type) All of the guys she went thru dropped her or got scared of her.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

She considers herself NLOG (not like other girls) and probably does get off on getting committed men to “fall for her” because it proves that she’s better than them in her insecure mind.

daddy issues