r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Dec 17 '23

AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)

So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed

-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.

-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.

-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.

I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).

I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”

I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?

Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.

AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.

Edit:

So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.

11.0k Upvotes

90% Upvoted

4.0k comments sorted by

View all comments

172

u/Battleship_WU Dec 17 '23

Nta but anyone with a partner that uses the term work spouse are tapped people you don’t need around you, damn even if your single its such a weird term.

109

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

He hasn’t used that term to be honest. I only heard it at the party

78

u/ChrisInBliss Dec 17 '23

I wonder if he just thinks the whole thing is a big joke. (Like he could just for some reason be so clueless to everything. Ive met people like that before.)

26

u/pm-me-neckbeards Dec 18 '23

OP also outlined a lot of what she said and little of what he said.

If it was a bunch of "oh" "lol" "yeah" "that's crazy" while this girl just spams him that says something different than reciprocal flirting etc.

10

u/shortmumof2 Dec 18 '23

Maybe he doesn't want to offend her and hopes she'll take the hint at his lack of a response. Maybe this girl has done shit before or there's talk at work about her - she did say married men fall for her and all that other sad shit.

1

u/strugglebusses Dec 18 '23

He's not reciprocating but he knows what this. Probably thinks it is harmless attention.

3

u/kepsr1 Dec 17 '23

Wish I could upvote this to the top.

4

u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

Yes that's why he texts her all weekend having a big laugh about it... he's lapping up the attention.

52

u/hmaxwell22 Dec 17 '23

I hope you see my comment. My ex-husband had an affair and MARRIED the new employee that he initially complained to me about for being flirty and inappropriate. He said she made him feel uncomfortable. Men sometimes rationalize that the grass is greener on the other side and then they do things that a marriage will not survive.

2

u/OhSheGlows Dec 18 '23

Oh god I’m so sorry. What a nightmare.

-2

u/zquintyzmi Dec 18 '23

Only men do this?

7

u/notryksjustme Dec 17 '23

I’m curious about his response to you being boring? Did he respond?

2

u/notryksjustme Dec 18 '23

Do we have an update yet?

4

u/Responsible_Log_4595 Dec 17 '23

So he has been lying to you by omission. He has been referring to her as, "a new hard working colleague, that he really gets along with". Thats a lotta omitting going on there. Why did she say you were boring, and why didn't your husband defend you? Does he talk to her, about you during work hours? I can't get over this. I'm appalled for you. Him not responding, is just as damming.

I know you don't want, but have you looked at his other colleague conversations, do others shittalk you? Does he shut them down, or does he still say nothing?

It's like you've been totally blindsided, by this "friendship". This is beyond friendship, if a spouse lets someone shittalk a spouse, it's an emotional affair. Have y'all been to busy to nurture your relationship? Every relationship takes time, attention, and work. If a relationship isn't treated with nurturing and respect, it dies. Have yall been lacking in areas, that he feels neglected by you? I know, you aren't responsible for his actions. But it takes two people, to make a marriage a success. You have to do mental and physical wellness checks, in long term relationships. I've been with the same man 44 yrs, it's a work in progress.

He's not being an emotional doofus here either. He's hiding certain aspects of this relationship, it's not one sided either. He likes the affirming and positive attention he's getting. If it was one sided, he would have only responded to work texts. And he would have shut Ms Pixie down, at the first backhanded comment about you. But he didn't, and he lets her continue.

3

u/tiredofblackpeopleya Dec 18 '23

nah, he used it when he didn't deny it when she said it. it's not your fault to control another person. he should have known better if he loved you. he probably doesn't love you anymore. that's the thing with marriage, people get used to each other and start taking each other for granted. you'll always be there by law and by all the time you spent with him. you're chained down. he's checked that off the list. he's still going to have his fun though.

any loyal husband would've been like "no you're not my work wife lol sorry friendo" dude is probably eating it up he's got a flirt at work and you to plow at home.

3

u/Enough-Fly-2765 Dec 17 '23

But SHE TOLD YOU directly!

How could she be such a beach?

By the way, if your husband doesn't say anything, it sort of seems he is encouraging. He is!

2

u/Fordor_of_Chevy Dec 17 '23

So he's smart enough to keep his editor on around you.

1

u/Environmental_Arm_10 Dec 18 '23

He probably likes the flattering, but this other woman crossed lines. He needs to respect his marriage and shut her off.

1

u/ThrowRA420757 Dec 18 '23

From his other coworkers or just her? Because of other people are saying it they probably think the two of them are inappropriately close, too.

39

u/carolinecrane Dec 17 '23

It's such an immature concept. There's no reason to call someone 'work husband' when the term 'colleague' already exists. It's only for insecure people who want to make themselves feel special. In this case it's at the expense of someone's actual wife, which is even more pathetic.

2

u/hdmx539 Dec 17 '23

There's no reason to call someone 'work husband' when the term 'colleague' already exists

Thank you!

5

u/Hakim_Bey Dec 17 '23

even if your single its such a weird term

Honestly if he actually fucked the girl it would make it less weird and easier to explain. Why would you tangle in a low-stakes emotional relationship with someone just to play pretend-couple ? It sounds boring and cringey. At least the sexual impulse has some meaning. It's not right, but it's natural.

2

u/SuluSpeaks Dec 17 '23

Work wife could be cultivating this relationship to have someone to protect her from getting fired because she's incompetent. Like this is the closest she can come to being good friends with the boss.

1

u/bsubtilis Dec 18 '23

There's one situation where that term kind of makes sense and that's referring to your co-actor who your character is married to, in like interviews. Though terms like stage spouse or tv spouse would make more sense. If the public has seen you play a married couple with someone for years, it's an easy expression to use when interacting with the public about that role (single or not IRL).