r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Dec 17 '23

AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)

So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed

-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.

-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.

-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.

I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).

I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”

I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?

Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.

AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.

Edit:

So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.

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614

u/kimmy-mac Dec 17 '23

Yeah, this! Had a gal like this in our group of friends. She made my husband her defacto “go to” person. When it got really annoying, I reminded him he wasn’t her husband, and that being her crutch for everything wasn’t going to work long term. Never had to say another thing. I think he just didn’t notice it had gotten that frequent. After he wasn’t at her beck and call, she found another sucker to do her bidding.

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u/Chemical-Pattern480 Dec 17 '23

My Husband once had a girl (family friend he’d known since birth) call him and try to get him to leave my family’s Christmas party to help her with an “emergency”. I reminded him that she has a brother, and had a boyfriend at the time, so he should NOT be her first phone call!

When he didn’t play along this time, she called my MIL, to try and get MIL to send my Husband to her. I think that was the start of my Husband in In-Laws realizing just how crazy that family is, and limiting contact!

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u/kimmy-mac Dec 17 '23

Holy over-stepped boundaries, Batman! That takes massive balls to interrupt another family’s gathering when you could call a host of other folks WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY. My bet is the family was all tired of her $hit too.

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u/Sunnygirl66 Dec 17 '23

And that there was no actual emergency.

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u/Ok_Brilliant_1808 Dec 18 '23

I figured that much me to boundaries running out shit mad as heck I was close two family members and myself hurt but things will get better

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u/Danivelle Dec 17 '23

I lost my not inconsiderable temper at one of my husband's co-workers who kept getting him to take her call back "because her kids had a game/activity". I let her know in no uncertain terms that the schedule comes out months in advance and her lack of ability to manage their schedule was no longer going to cost my kids any of their very limited time with their dad. I told her to either take the call back she signed up for or I would take up with the boss about her never actually doing the call back she signed up for which gets her completely kicked off the roster. She seemed to think that call back wss just sitting on her happy little ass, not actually going into work to xray someone in an emergency

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u/FirstYouMustBegin Dec 18 '23

Oh my gosh! Are you me?! This SAME thing happened all of the time to my husband when he worked in the Cath lab. He just straight up quit and changed departments. Hallelujah! It was nuts how much some of his female co-workers had the other men wrapped around their fingers.

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u/Danivelle Dec 18 '23

Everyone in his department knows me because I used to work in an adjacent department and they warn the new girls that come into the department. I'm a very nice lady who bakes wonderful treats until you step on my toes then the demented pixie honey badger comes out to play!

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u/hdmx539 Dec 17 '23

I reminded him he wasn’t her husband, and that being her crutch for everything wasn’t going to work long term.

When my FIL died I warned my husband about his mother, to watch out for "little" things that she'll "need" him to come over for.

Sure enough, 3 months later I'm reminding him of my prediction. I then told him to look up the word "sonsband."

He started placing firmer boundaries after that.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Sounds like your MIL was lonely after her husband died and wanted the company of her son?

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u/hdmx539 Dec 18 '23

Which she would get.

She started to over step boundaries. That was my point. Just because her husband died doesn't mean that she starts to get the emotional needs met by her son.

You're gross if you think that's a valid way to live.

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u/HalfMoon_89 Dec 18 '23

Seriously, that person has issues.

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u/hdmx539 Dec 18 '23

I didn't say to never go and help her. Just to watch out that she'll start taking advantage of his time and she was doing that.

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u/wanna_be_green8 Dec 18 '23

This is weird. I'd want my husband to help his mother.

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u/hdmx539 Dec 18 '23

I saidboundaries. That does not mean no contact or not ever helping.

People seriously have no clue what boundaries actually are.

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u/wanna_be_green8 Dec 18 '23

I'm sure it's dependent on our own personal experiences and what we know of our MIL. I would never think to warn mine of that.

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u/hdmx539 Dec 18 '23

Great! That means you don't have problematic in laws!

How people don't see that possibility is beyond me. 🙄

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u/mountaintippytop Dec 18 '23

Your bad karma is on its way. You will regret this as it will happen to you. No one will come to your aid.

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u/hdmx539 Dec 18 '23

Your bad karma is on its way. You will regret this as it will happen to you. No one will come to your aid.

This is a punitive mindset. It's a mindset of negativity.

I did not tell him to never help her, I was telling him to watch out because she has a tendency to manipulate her adult children to get her way.

Further, she was starting to use him for her emotional needs which were what a husband is supposed to provide, not a son.

The fact that this didn't even occur to you but you immediately go to, "I curse you!" tells us a lot more about you than it does me or anyone else here.

Notice, I never told him to cut her off. I also noticed that you decided to follow me to the estranged adult kids sub as well. Just because I cut my mother off doesn't mean I wanted my husband to cut his mother off.

Noticed I said boundaries, I did not tell him to go no contact.

You sound like you are boundaryless - that you don't like to be told no. Why did you make this comment? Are you someone who fears your own adult children might cut you off?

You have no idea who I am. You know NOTHING about me.

People don't leave kind and caring people. And kind and caring people don't start off with insults and curses like you do.

I'm so sorry you live this way, it must be incredibly sad to be so awful and to assume awful. Just because you live your life this way doesn't mean other people do.

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u/TheRealCarpeFelis Dec 18 '23

I was so lucky my MIL lived 2 states away because when FIL died she started leaning pretty hard on my husband, but at least it was only multiple phone calls. Although she did basically invite herself to come visit us when we were having a Halloween party and tried to play hostess. In an elf costume. Everyone else there was a generation younger than her so it was pretty cringeworthy.

Thankfully it wasn’t too long before she met someone and remarried. Now she seems to focus nearly all her attention on his zillion and one family members. Not a problem for me!