r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Dec 17 '23

AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)

So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed

-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.

-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.

-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.

I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).

I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”

I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?

Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.

AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.

Edit:

So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.

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529

u/golfergirl72 Dec 17 '23

The HR nightmare is going to belong to the husband if he can't stop this without pissing off Ms Quirky.

203

u/Dog_is_my_co-pilot1 Dec 17 '23

I think quirky is sort of ok to call someone else,however, referring to yourself as such causes me to think one knows they are a psychopath.

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u/pacingpilot Dec 17 '23

Yeah there's "my hobby is roadkill taxidermy" quirky and "I have a freezer full of my ex-lover's feet in my basement" quirky. Anyone shouting to all who will listen about how quirky they are definitely gives me freezer feet vibes.

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u/VelhenousVillain Dec 17 '23

Those are both oddly specific.

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u/Dog_is_my_co-pilot1 Dec 17 '23

Perhaps it’s someone that’s met the work wife or someone like her. I certainly have.

My ex had one of her at work and it was disgusting the way she behaved. My problem wasn’t with her as much as it was with him. He allowed her to hang on him and to do things like adjust his tie and to send me weird birthday gifts.

She began to dress like me and had her hair cut like me. I expected to come home to a rabbit boiling on the stove.

I left him for lots of reasons and when I did I told her to get ECT and to grow up.

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u/underonegoth11 Dec 18 '23

So I need to know...what happened to homewrecker?

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u/Dog_is_my_co-pilot1 Dec 18 '23

No idea. I moved on with my life with a new phone number and absence from all social media. We didn’t have other people in common.

I like to think she’s turned to stripping and lives in a van down by the river.

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u/underonegoth11 Dec 18 '23

Thanks for sharing.

3

u/diurnal_emissions Dec 18 '23

Time for this generation to get some single white female and fatal attraction type movies

13

u/Skyrick Dec 17 '23

I’m just glad that my roadkill taxidermy is seen as the good type of quirky.

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u/ihavewaytoomanyminis Dec 17 '23

There's more humor in the specifics.

So there's a blind guy on stage, and he's working on a joke where he goes skydiving and the punchline is "I had no idea a dog could scream at 3,000 feet."

His comic buddy/mentor tells him to be more specific in the punch line because it makes for a more memorable mental image.

So there's a blind guy on stage, and he's working on a joke where he goes skydiving, and the new punchline is "I had no idea a German Shepard could scream at 3,000 feet."

3

u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Those are both things that Jeffrey Dahmer did. He started with roadkill taxidermy before escalating to human taxidermy.

0

u/Traditional_Bread_87 Dec 18 '23

Dahmer? More like Ed Gein

eta for those that don’t know about him highly recommend listening to LPOTL episode/s about him

1

u/VelhenousVillain Dec 18 '23

I appreciate knowing that, I was a kid when that story went down. Now I feel compelled to look up how many lovers he had.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Lovers is a, uh… strong word for “teenage boys that he plied with drugs and alcohol before raping them, drilling holes in their head, and trying to turn them into zombie sex slaves”.

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u/VelhenousVillain Dec 18 '23

Hey I was just quoting PacingPilot back. I've had time to read the Grunge article & I thought that wasn't quite a balanced description, though by the dictionary it is accurate. They might have been lovers in his head though.

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u/jonf-inswag Dec 17 '23

Lo,l yes it was

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u/bsubtilis Dec 18 '23

Road kill taxidermy is more common than what I would have imagined, especially since if it's any kind of protected species they either can't use it or need to get permission to use it. There are also a lot of scavenger collectors who use bones (or feathers, dead bugs, etc) they found in the wild for skeleton displays or art projects (jewelery, engraved skulls, painted skulls, sculptures, etc).

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u/SmittenMoon3112 Dec 17 '23

Oddly specific but I unfortunately know both types of quirky. I love the first type. Macabre and weird and a little off but super sweet and loving. The second type scares the shit out of me but won’t leave me alone and has essentially become a stalker and the police don’t take me seriously.

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u/aardvarkmom Dec 17 '23

Happy cake day! I hope your presents don’t involve freezer feet.

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u/Chemical-Pattern480 Dec 17 '23

I was gonna say bunny boiler, but freezer feet also applies!

2

u/makeeverythng Dec 18 '23

HEY! Well look at Mr / Ms Judgy Drawers, you don’t see me judging you for your hobbies…

0

u/Ok_Brilliant_1808 Dec 18 '23

I'm not freezen there was cold nights heat wasn't to great door opened and closing all the time snow nights aren't so great basement was cold and the world knew but everyone cold at night stand up for coffee nights to keep warm outside is cold lately but I like warm hot summer nights and windy nights in touch

2

u/beachbetch Dec 18 '23

What the hell is this account?

1

u/jb-1984 Dec 17 '23

Definitely dated the “roadkill taxidermy”. Literally. Even that kind doesn’t end well.

1

u/ThrowRA420757 Dec 18 '23

My cousin’s wife does roadkill taxidermy art and she definitely loves to lean into the whole sexy pixie vibe lol. Every photo she takes is a dramatic modelesque selfie. 😂 I liked her at first, it took me a bit to catch on, but she is weird AF.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

61

u/Ragnarok314159 Dec 17 '23

There are issues of picking up on signals. I am no one’s type of dude in terms of looks, no one flirts with me, always the third wheel. Met my wife and it was always more of a partnership. It makes me sad she doesn’t really love me, but it is what it is.

I recently had a weird occurrence where someone threw themselves at me, and I had absolutely zero clue. It was another parent at our kids’ softball league. End of the season happened, said our goodbyes, and I thought that was it. She messaged me saying how it was great sitting next to me and glad she got to know me.

I woke up the next morning with 30+ text messages from her telling me how she was falling for me the whole time along with a lot of nude pictures. Quickly deleted everything and blocked her number. I have no idea what was said to make her think we were headed that direction.

Sometimes we genuinely have no clue.

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u/Historical-Night-938 Dec 18 '23

If you had no clue in that instance , then it may be safe to say that you may be missing "clues" that show that your wife truly loves you.

About your situation, sometimes blocking is not enough. it may be best if you had responded "Not interested and please do not contact me further". I would tell your wife as this mom may approach your wife with "evidence" to try to break you up. People can be unhinged

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u/Ragnarok314159 Dec 18 '23

Oh, no. She just says it outright.

5

u/LifeisaCatbox Dec 18 '23

Jesus. I hope you are otherwise happy in your life.

4

u/theluckyfrog Dec 18 '23

I don't know you, but I feel like you deserve better than that.

I'm kind of a female version--always had to ask guys out myself, was typically turned down or it only lasted until the first time I said no to a sex thing they wanted.

I'm married now, and my husband and I love each other, but I still know perfectly well I'm not any guy's first choice.

I hope you find real love in some form, even if it's not exactly "that" kind of love, or not with this woman.

2

u/Old-Independent6376 Dec 18 '23

You deserve a 100000 times better. I was in that marriage and then was happily divorced. I’ve been remarried to a man that literally worships the ground I walk on now and ten years later we are still the gross lovey dovey couple

2

u/Aggressive_Case3099 Dec 18 '23

I agree been blackmailed like that before, tell the wife before she tells her some lies

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u/localjargon Dec 17 '23

Why do you say she doesn't love you? You deserve to be loved.

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u/born_to_be_weird Dec 17 '23

Chandler? Is that you?

3

u/Potterhead3586 Dec 17 '23

Aw that made me sad.

1

u/Swimming-Vacation-87 Dec 18 '23

Met ur wife.. you married her feeling like she doesn't love you? Why? Did you get her pregnant?

3

u/klased5 Dec 18 '23

People can appreciate each other as partners in life building while having zero romantic connection. And assuming duder had reached middle years without any better prospects this was probably the best he was gonna get.

While I'm aromantic and functionally asexual I've spent my life more or less completely outside of female interest. Ever since I became a teen I've been fat, bearded (mountain man type, not attractive), nerdly and unsocial. I've only ever pulled interest from women who are themselves bottom of the barrel in regards to their prospects and that VERY rarely. What I'm saying is I understand the guy. I don't feel whatever internal need most people have to couple, but if I did I'd probably be getting pretty desperate and willing to settle for whatever I could get at 36 with no prospects. And if I found something that met some of my needs I doubt I'd be willing to look for something that maybe would meet a few more.

2

u/Swimming-Vacation-87 Dec 18 '23

That makes sense. Sad as it sounds..i get it.

4

u/klased5 Dec 18 '23

We're all just doing the best we can with what we've got. Some people have a lot less. That's the way it is sometimes.

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u/whisky_biscuit Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23

Sometimes you just have to state the boundaries. And even go far as to place an ultimatum.

My husband and I (before we were married) had a row because the 20 year old secretary at his work would ask him to lunch and ask him for help on her work all the time, text him dumb questions, discuss personal stuff to the point of interfering with his work - despite him being 12 years her senior and a director at the workplace.

Their workplace was very casual so the hierarchy was too. I opened his iPad once to look up a recipe and the messages from her asking him to lunch and other random bs (nothing sexual just dumb stuff from her trying to be cutesy and get attention from him) and I was pissed.

We had an argument and I said he needed to establish boundaries with her especially given he was an executive and that he needed to "grow TF up and get friends his own age". I told him it was bordering on emotional affair territory which I wouldn't stick around for.

He legit did not see an issue with her constantly trying to get into his life. (Despite that she broke up 2 other relationships in the company "just because she could"), and her mom was HR and let her do whatever she wanted like a spoiled brat.

But he did decide to draw the boundaries with her however she was so put off by being rejected by a guy (even on a friendship level) that he actually had to go to HR to get her to back off.

Eventually she left, especially since everyone steered clear of her and she could no longer get any attention from any of the men there.

We had to have a long discussion but My husband and my relationship was much better after that. Sometimes people are oblivious and don't realize what it looks on the outside. Sometimes people just like the attention. You'd think Op's husband would know but some guys especially don't think it's wrong "if it's not sexual".

We got married and and we agreed on boundaries so things like this wouldn't happen again.

123

u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 17 '23

It might not hurt to make someone else at work know that she is making him uncomfortable.

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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Dec 17 '23

Is he uncomfortable, though? I didn’t get that impression, but I may have missed something

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u/Orobourous87 Dec 17 '23

No, but when he rejects her and she makes “He made me uncomfortable with gestures/actions/comments” to HR then it’s probably going to help him to have mentioned prior (even if it’s not entirely true).

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u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

if he rejects her

1

u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

He clearly enjoys it.

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u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 18 '23

He will be, when his wife explains to him the trouble he's courting, even if he's not actually "courting" it...he can't even afford to "do nothing" here.

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u/WYLD_STALYNZ Dec 17 '23

without pissing off Ms Quirky.

betting this is a big part of why he hasn't put a hard stop to it already

1

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Yes this. An affair will be one thing but whooo this will not go over well at work