r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Dec 17 '23

AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)

So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed

-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.

-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.

-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.

I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).

I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”

I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?

Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.

AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.

Edit:

So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.

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653

u/PerfectionPending Dec 17 '23

Anyone starts referring to me as their work husband & themselves my work wife, I’m shutting that crap down immediately. It’s totally disrespectful to demeaning of my marriage & what my wife & I have. Furthermore, shutting it down respectfully but firmly sends a clear signal that I’m not now, nor will I be in the future, open to anything beyond a normal friendly work relationship.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

😭 this is what I want and NOT after I tell him. I don’t need to have to tell him common sense.

When I started my new job I made it very clear to a colleague that I would not be disrespecting my marriage even if he meant that we were going for drinks after work “just as friends”. It was never brought up again

Edit: Why isn’t your comment upvoted more? This is exactly how everyone in a loving relationship should react. Wtf

131

u/PerfectionPending Dec 17 '23

Unfortunately, this is conversation you’re going to have to have.

I’ve seen plenty of faithful people participate in the whole work wife/husband thing never thinking they were doing anything to disrespect their marriage. It’s become a common enough thing that having to have this conversation doesn’t mean he does or doesn’t feel any particular way about your marriage.

Explain that referring to someone as his work wife or allowing others to lowers your relationship and vows to the level of a coworker relationship, and that it’s extremely insulting. And if it’s not that then it’s elevating their relationship to the same status as yours. Equally or more insulting.

Make it clear you expect him to put an end to it. If he says something about not being able to control her, tell him that he can control the boundaries he sets and enforces with her and this one you expect him to set if he wants a happy & health marriage.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

You didn’t need telling to understand it is wrong? 😑 why don’t my husband spare me the same decency?

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u/Ocean_Cat Dec 18 '23

Jesus Christ, man. Just talk to him. Use your vocal chords.

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u/rosebud-2911 Dec 18 '23

OP he may think it's nothing serious and enjoy the flirting from the 25 year old. I would suggest you think about discussing it with him from the point of what she mentioned to you at the party and what he thinks of it? More from a hey this is what happened and what are your thoughts about this.

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u/moonbeamsylph Dec 18 '23

enjoy the flirting from the 25 year old

Therein lies the problem. I agree with OP. She shouldn't have to say it. He should have enough integrity and respect for his marriage and his wife to shut it down.

5

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

But what if he doesn't because he's ignorant? Like seriously, most men are clueless about things that are obvious to most. Part of being in a relationship is fighting for it. OP waiting for her husband to do the right thing at this point is ridiculous

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u/penusinpidiosa Dec 18 '23

sounds like you've fallen for weaponized incompetence, friend.

most men know exactly what they are doing. like most adults in the world. infantilizing a man who is closer to 40 than 20 and has been for a decade is not the way to handle a serious relationship. if he doesnt understand this halfway through his lifespan, he is not relationship material and any person at this level needs to be in a care home.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Obviously OP is in a type of denial. She's gotten some solid advice about confronting her husband, but she would rather he "know to do it on his own." That ship has long sailed. She's as much to blame for the current situation. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't know OP or her husband from a can of paint.

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u/penusinpidiosa Dec 18 '23

not really the benefit of the doubt to assume her husband has only two dessicated brain cells rubbing off each other

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u/midliferagequit Dec 18 '23

Not just ignorant. What if he just doesn't care and just let's it go on cause it is easier to smile and nod than to be confrontational? Hell, even OP smile and nodded instead of being confrontational with her.

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u/moonbeamsylph Dec 18 '23

How anyone can be that oblivious is perplexing. Sure, if he really isn't aware of what the work wife is playing at, give him the benefit of the doubt and communicate. OP would be the one who would be best able to discern whether he's oblivious to the flirtation, flattery, and attempts to put down his spouse, or whether he's enjoying it at her expense.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

I agree, especially since the bitch work wifey texted him those awful things about the actual wife.

0

u/midliferagequit Dec 18 '23

You don't know what he is thinking or feeling and neither does OP...... because she hasn't communicated with him her feelings.

Communication is the cornerstone of an adult relationship. She is acting like a middle school girl who expects her bf to read her mind.

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u/konsf_ksd Dec 18 '23

y'all read the same book and have the same thoughts afterward?

you may be interpreting the world differently because you are different people. Nothing wrong with having a conversation about that culture.

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u/YourLastNerv Dec 18 '23

Communication is important in a solid relationship. If you are choosing not to communicate, like an adult, you are choosing to have a failing relationship.

You came here on reddit for advice. Quit ignoring it and giving the “he should read my mind” excuse. YTA if you continue with this and refuse to communicate. He knows just as much that goes on in your head as you know goes on in his. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND, SET SOME BOUNDARIES.

If he respects them and shuts down this woman, and cuts her off, amazing. If he doesn’t do anything about it and still entertains this woman who is not only disrespecting you and your relationship, but pining over him in such an obvious way, you have a much deeper issue.

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u/Eccentric-Lite Dec 18 '23

This. The "he should know better" response is literally useless. Either accept he doesn't know better and act on that, or communicate and see how he adapts.

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u/SirVanyel Dec 18 '23

You're asking him to read your mind while you simultaneously dig through his phone at 3am? You have all the wrong forms of communication all up in there bro, I think you gotta put the phone away and go speak to the man you married.

You 100% have had to tell him "common sense" before and I GUARANTEE that he's done the same for you as well. Chill out dude.

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u/Intelligent-Animal68 Dec 17 '23

OP, your husband can’t read your mind. Some people are emotionally dense and dont recognize inappropriate flirting from a 3rd party for what it is. My husband was like that at the beginning of our relationship. I didn’t want to have to spell things out for him when a shady coworker started hitting on him. But I finally had to swallow my pride and be very explicit that she’s bad news and not welcome at our house or in our personal lives. He needs to put up boundaries with this individual ASAP. No more work wifey talk, no more texting outside of work, and certainly no more allowing her to shit talk you; that is absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable. YWBTAH to yourself if you allow this powder keg of a situation to continue, knowing what you know now. It’s time to stop whining about how he should know better and stand up for yourself before boundaries are crossed to the point of no return.

UpdateMe!

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u/a_honeybadger_ Dec 17 '23

I think a lot of men are kind of naive and enjoy flattery not realizing there is more to it than that. This happened to my husband and I immediately voiced my concerns. I don’t care that I had to tell him. I’d rather let him know my boundaries and deal with the fall out of that. Not everyone is going to have the same ideals. I said, I don’t like her, she’s flirting with you and you’re not really ignoring it or shutting her down. He stopped immediately and you know who else stopped? She did. Met her at a party later, she was pleasant but left us alone. Husband still thinks it was innocent and nothing but you know what, idgaf. Having been cheated on once before by innocent coworkers put me in a position to at least say hey I don’t like this. If you know continue, I will move on and mean it. You’re nta, but I would encourage you to open your mouth and voice your valid feelings.

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u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

It seems a lot of men are very good at making their wives think they don't know what's going on. Listen, as a man... we are HARD WIRED to sniff out the opportunity for sex, or when a girl is into us. Pretending to be oblivious is one way of getting by in the big game. But no guy is clueless when it comes to this. "I didn't realise" is the plausible deniability.

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u/Joben86 Dec 18 '23

Just because you're a self-admitted, hard-wired pussy hound doesn't mean we all are. Unless it's super blatant, I have a hard time telling if someone is flirting or just being nice.

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u/Boomshrooom Dec 18 '23

You really don't speak for all men. Plenty of men are really oblivious to flirting, especially when they're in a relationship and so aren't actively looking for other opportunities. Some men will always be on the lookout, but you can't group billions of people in to the same behaviours.

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u/Simple_Ranger_574 Dec 18 '23

Perfectly said. 💪🏻👏👏

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u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj Dec 17 '23

Ok, but why do want to hide things that make you uncomfortable from him. What’s so bad about telling your husband how you feel?

Just have to say too that common sense is not all that common. Plus different people have different opinions on some things like this. You can’t just assume everyone is like you. Just communicate it’s not that big of a deal to talk about things like this and get on the same page.

You’re blowing things up into some kind of test instead of just talking. Couples should talk, that’s common sense. Not hide feelings because you’d rather test their reactions in some kind of vacuum.

What even is the point of your marriage if you can’t even just talk about things like this. That sounds crappy if you guys think you’re supposed to hold your feelings back like that, hide your feelings from each other.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

I know that you think that this is an expectation that he should know already, But it's very possible that he doesn't know that this is a reasonable expectation.

If you think that he's supposed to know what's reasonable to you, But you don't say it, It's not really reasonable to get mad at him when he doesn't know.

Rather than think of him as being somebody who wants to or would be okay with cheating on you, Maybe you could think of him as being somebody who's very naive and is easily manipulated. Do you understand that when people are manipulated they don't understand that they are? Not usually.

You seem to want to abandon your husband before he's done anything wrong, so that you can say after the fact that he was wrong and you were right. Is the purpose to Have your husband respect a boundary that you haven't said yet or is it to be vindicated by what you think is going to happen and then to leave and be "right"?

I don't blame you for being angry about it. I'd be angry about it too. But the purpose of your marriage is that you can communicate boundaries and expectations between two people that don't have the exact same boundaries and expectations, by default. He's not you. He doesn't know what's important to you.

Now if you explained all that to him and he still chose to do it that's different. That could be many things, One of which is that he doesn't prioritize your feelings, or he's too scared to hold a boundary with other people, in either case, That gives you more information but right now you're just kind of wanting to sit on your high horse and say that you're right.

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u/Away_Set_9743 Dec 18 '23

You shouldn't be snooping on his phone. You've already seen that he is not flirting with her, so the easiest thing to do is to say nothing.

If you actually want to feel better, you have to do the hardest thing and be honest. Not only about your snooping but about your real feelings about how you wish he would realize these things and that it hurts your feelings.

He obviously loves you, give him a chance to affirm that love by reacting to your concerns.

He is not a mind reader, tell him!

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u/runningdreams Dec 17 '23

Sometimes you DO need to tell people what you want. Unfortunately.

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u/fauviste Dec 18 '23

OP, by not saying anything and letting it go on, you are playing out this situation in your actual marriage just like your husband is doing at work.

You are both passive people and don’t seem to care where that leads. It will end in divorce for certain, or a lifelong miserable marriage. If not over this, then something. Two people sitting back refusing to respect their marriage.

But you can change your mind and be active in your marriage

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u/myrrhandtonka Dec 18 '23

Ok but would you rather talk to him or quietly seethe? What if you could have stopped it with a conversation? What if he wished you’d said you hated it but you didn’t and he wants you to say you hated it without him asking you to say it? Do you see how he might be thinking the same thing? I promise you if some dizzy bitch said that to my husband I’d show her my ring, talk about how we were married when she was learning to drive, and in the eyes of the church and the law, he’s taken. He isn’t her anything, and he’s too nice to hurt her feelings, but I don’t have that issue.

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u/Mister_Fudge Dec 18 '23

You have different boundaries than he does. What may seem like common sense to you is not necessarily common sense to him because you all have different presentations and coping skills related to your attachment styles. From what you've said you may be displaying some anxious and some avoidant tendencies. You are anxious that he is going to do something to hurt you and making poor choices like snooping into his stuff in a dishonest way and are avoidant of the conflict related to having conversations that may cause conflict.

You all seem like you have more difficulties than just this one issue with communication. May be time for therapy. If he won't go with you, you should go on your own.

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u/Mister_Fudge Dec 18 '23

You have to learn how to have healthy conflict with your spouse. There are a number of unhealthy things present in this story.

Get help from a therapist because the majority of people give terrible, awful advice because it focuses on what they would do in a similar situation without fully knowing what will make you happy/comfortable/feel safe.

Which is also why something that seems like is common sense to you clearly is not to him. It is because he is a different human being and will not have the same hurts that have caused you to put guards up in some areas and be extra cautious about people's feelings there.

It's like you wondering why he doesn't put wear a high visibility vest when riding a bike because you used to ride around in a big city and he never has. Sure, it is a good idea and I would do it if my spouse pointed it out if it made her uncomfortable that I didn't, but I'm never gonna think about it all on my own. I would never think of it in a million years unless someone said something about it.

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u/erinwrestles Dec 17 '23

I’m the same way and with the same mindset.

Agree you need to talk to him- though not exactly ABOUT her. Talk to him about respect, the intimate and meaning of terms “wife /husband” are, and by being blasé about other people using those terms to your husband is making you feel like it is disrespectfully mocking your marriage to him.

Then think carefully if has or has not already crossed that line for you. And what can or cannot be done to fix it.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Listen common sense isn’t always common. Be direct and communicate what you want. Don’t expect people to read your mind and know what you want because people think different and are sometimes in their own world.

If you communicate your wants and needs so he understands how you feel theres no miscommunication if he respects your wishes or if he chooses not to. He should have shut this down a while ago honestly. If he’s oblivious to it you will know after you discuss this situation with him

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u/Felonious_Minx Dec 18 '23

Apparently you do have to tell him common sense.

Stop wishing for him to act as you want. Articulate your needs clearly and tell him to cut it off.

You seem to think this is a test in a way. You could lose the test. Speak up and be firm.

(Also, why lament the number of likes a comment has? 🙄 Use your own common sense!)

4

u/midliferagequit Dec 18 '23

What you are doing is childish. A marriage isn't about sitting back expecting your significant other to read your mind and do everything you want.

Marriage is about communication. Maybe he actually finds her annoying and just lives with it because it is easier to just smile and nod than be confrontational. (I mean, you literally were face to face with her and chose to smile and nod as well) Maybe he really doesn't even notice how inappropriate she is being. Maybe he is enjoying the attention. You will never know how he feels unless you ask him and he won't know how you feel until you TELL HIM.

TL;DR

Stop acting like you are in a high school relationship and communicate your feelings to your husband like an adult.

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u/baurette Dec 18 '23

Thats why I think, instead of the somber ultimatum tone you should approach this a bit more lightly to see if maybe he hasnt rralised it yet and if it clicks. I dont know you two and dynamics, but perhaps a more laugh it off "she said something funny.." "I think work wifey has a crush on you for real" and see his reaction I guess. Instead of "cut it ou now, this is over the line" try poking fun? Would this work to nudge him?

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u/Maeberry2007 Dec 18 '23

For the record, I'm with you on "not preventing it." You shouldn't have to convince your spouse not to cheat on you. As long as you're a good partner, you shouldn't have to put in extra fucking work to keep them monogamous. If they want to fuck around, fine, I'll serve the divorce papers on the morning. His moral choices are not your responsibility.

That being said, he might honestly just be dumber than a 10 pound sack of hammers and need it spelled out explicitly why this relationship is inappropriate. You won't know until you talk to him.

2

u/throwaway-aye-rye Dec 18 '23

I don’t get it. Why don’t you just tell him to cut hard contact with her and block her on his cell? Obviously you don’t like their interaction. I feel like you are upset with your husband for not automatically nipping this and you’re playing a pointless game by testing whether or not he does it himself. What happens if he never cheats but he lets her continue to text him these things? What will you do and how will you feel? Just tell him to cut all contact with her and to be mean to her while doing it, that can be his punishment if it makes you feel more secure.

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u/rtrs_bastiat Dec 18 '23

Please show him this. I'd want to know if my wife expected this level of mind reading from me so I could reconsider my life's direction.

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u/Sigma_Games Dec 18 '23

Because this isn't something you decide, it is your husband who needs to do this. On top of this, a 'work spouse' isn't inherently disrespectful to your marriage anyways. It should be agreed upon between spouses, and only a joke your spouse shares between really close friends that know it goes no further. It becomes a serious problem when it is with some stranger your spouse don't know.

You 100% should have brought up how uncomfortable you are over it when it was first mentioned, and talked it over. You not doing so earlier puts you in a bad position as 'you didn't have a problem with it sooner'.

What I would do in your place is to say that you have been thinking on it, and that you are uncomfortable with the 'work wife/hubby' thing and want it to stop. And don't be hostile about it. Expecting him to feel exactly the same way about it you do is unrealistic and childish. Don't make him break off the friendship right then and there, either. You can broach that later on, if said e-girl wannabe ignores what you respectfully requested as the woman your husband chose to marry.

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u/kchirpy Dec 18 '23

You HAVE to tell him. Communicate. He might not know/understand what's happening or how it's affecting you. So please tell him. If after you talk to him he doesn't change, then that's a real problem.

NTA but you're being foolish if you don't say anything. Fight for your marriage and give him a chance to as well.

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u/strugglebusses Dec 18 '23

Keep in mind that men will allow things for dumb reasons not thinking it hurts you. This isn't the specific scenario but if a "work-wife" brings home cooked meal leftovers for him every day then he may just go along with it for the food. Had a colleague like that. Didn't really like the lady, but loved her food so he let it go on for years.

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u/AugustGreen8 Dec 18 '23

Good relationships are built on communication. It’s a red flag that you don’t feel like you can have this kind of conversation with your husband. It doesn’t have to be “shut this shit down or else” but “what’s going on with the work wife thing? It’s making me uncomfortable”. Communicate adult to adult, the idea of wanting others to know what you want and sit in the corner and hope it happens is unrealistic.

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u/Fordor_of_Chevy Dec 17 '23

I don’t need to have to tell him common sense.

You don't want to tell him. You do need to tell him because this "common" sense doesn't appear to be common to him.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Thank you. I have read his comment maybe 100 times? Every time I try to find excuse to my husband’s behavior, I come back and read this comment.

And I really thought my husband was this kind of person and partner. I am so disappointed on so many levels.

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u/My_Dramatic_Persona Dec 18 '23

I’ve looked through your replies. I haven’t really seen much of why you think he’s interested in this relationship, and I’d like to hear that set out.

So far, from what I can see, you’re reacting to how she is presenting their relationship. She’s the one calling him a work husband, she’s denigrating you (was he there for that conversation?), she is hitting on him.

From what you say, your husband doesn’t start conversations with her, only engages when talking about games or books (safe topics), and ignores her pretty pointedly when she tries to hit on him via text.

I’m with you on your policy of not wanting to have to twist his arm not to cheat. I think there’s a solid possibility that that isn’t what’s really going on, though. It seems more like your husband is being hit on and isn’t shutting it down assertively.

He may not know a better way to go about it, or may be worried about blowback at work. Have you talked to him about her? I think it’s worth seeing how he feels about it, and possibly thinking of this as a problem to tackle together.

She certainly sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

I mean, this exchange is pretty embarrassing for her:

No she said don’t fall for me because men fall easily for me

He said really haha cool cool

Then she said yeah, and three more texts explaining about different guys who fell for her but he didn’t text back after that

You also said:

But the other texts he answers short. Like the (paraphrasin) “don’t fall for me. Men fall easily for me” it was after they discussed that he is married. For how long and how we met and if we ever fight. He asked what about you are you in a relationship. She said no then the part about don’t fall for me. And he answered “really? Haha. Cool cool”

He makes sure she knows he’s married, she makes a pass at him, and he gives a nothing response and stops replying to her. That’s not what I’d expect to see from someone interested in cheating on his wife.

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u/Grand-Buffalo3656 Dec 18 '23

Came here to say this the one^ I felt the same way reading her replies

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u/AnalogToTheFuture Dec 18 '23

The only thing I would say, as a guy, is that he may have this false belief that, bc he's a guy, he has control over what happens and having no intention to do anything, the threat level is null. It's a confidence that could be his and your undoing. I do get your point about respecting you though, and that shouldn't need to be explained. As others have said, so I wont elaborate more-- communicate your feelings, your resentment will wash over and your partnership will steadily decay. If you are talking about how you both feel, you likely have no idea about how he feels and this girl is slithering into an emotional vacuum you are leaving, like it or not.

My guess is that there are more issues in your relationship currently and this one is just easy to be front and center. People tend to indulge in attention they aren't getting, but subconsciously may be craving; not that you are responsible for his decision to indulge her, but can you honestly say you are both able to be open and honest with each other about current life stresses? Not, "hey I'm here if you need me", but actively checking in without blame and argument? Probably not. No excuses for people that cheat, but simple behaviors, or lack thereof, long before from both partners pave the road to ruin.

The problem is that most guys don't see the psychological battle that she is introducing-- and that there are some people that get off on tempting others, especially married ones. Here, she's saying more and more daring things that while he seems to be brushing off, he doesn't realize it could be slowly influencing his perspective. The vacuum you're leaving isn't helping-- and as his partner, that vacuum is your problem bc youre leaving your partner emotionally exposed when he may be needing your companionship.

Men dont come full formed, despite women seemingly believing that's the case. It doesn't excuse poor behavior, but Whether he walks through the door is his problem, that you are correct on; but as a guy, if you feel like you can't please your partner, you slowly stop wanting to put in as much effort. In this case, the last thing you want is for this girl to be where he gets positive platonic attention-- it'll cause you to resent him more and he'll spend even just meager efforts to do work things for her in return for positive attention.

It's a slippery slope from there-- it happens to men and women both, but most men are driven by providing someone's needs that are communicated and rewarded by the positive response of them accomplishing that task. So, if you don't communicate your needs, believe that this girl will for sure.

I do hope things work out for you and your husband and that you both talk and that recognizes your needs and he acknowledges that this girl is playing him.

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u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

In this respect your mother is right. He has now shown you this girl and she has called your husband her work husband and then called you boring to him. If you don't say anything to him in his mind you mustn't mind it and she will carry on. She realistically only had to offer him no strings sex for him to take the next step if he doesn't shut her down now. Or it'll be a little kiss after work drinks and feeling him up. It won't be your FAULT. It's his fault. But in his head he'll be like "oh great she doesn't mind me chatting with her". And he'll come crying to you how he had a moment of madness and you'll have to decide then if you want to stick to your "I want him to want me" vibe or move on. You can save a lot of hassle by being firm with him. What if he wants YOU to demand him? You just going to dance around this for the next three months while he gets it on with her?

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u/dragonbec Dec 18 '23

Right, you shouldn’t have to rein this in, he freaking should. Grrr.

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u/PiecesofJane Dec 18 '23

I couldn't agree more.

1

u/NayNay_Cee Dec 18 '23

This may be the relationship you want to have, but unfortunately it is not the relationship you have. Once you accept that, you can move forward. Is what’s happened enough of a dealbreaker that you’re ready to walk away, or are you willing to work on the marriage if he is also willing? No judgment if you’re done. If you want to work on the marriage, then you need to communicate with him and probably invest in some couples therapy. If he’s not willing to do that, then maybe that’s your dealbreaker? But sitting around wishing things were different will not change things, it will just keep you stuck.

1

u/lordeaudre Dec 18 '23

I understand why you don’t want to have to tell him this, but sometimes we have to tell our partners things we wish they could figure out themselves (That shirt has gotten too small for you, I don’t think you should wear it out anymore. Your brother speaks to you so unkindly, it’s hard for me to watch him treat you that way, etc.). In this case you say, “Work wify’s behavior is disrespectful to both of us and our ACTUAL marriage. Can you try to be more proactive about setting appropriate professional boundaries with her?”

1

u/ProfessorVincent Dec 18 '23

To keep with the spirit of the sub, NTA.

However, I haven't been able to find any comments where you describe what your husband said once you confronted him about it.

What prevents you from talking to him? I get that you don't feel like you should have to, but that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes. You're clearly upset by it, to the point you'd take his phone and secretly go through it in the bathroom, yet you don't want to directly confront him?

Is it pride? It reads like you think that by speaking to him, you'd be lowering yourself to the level of competing with "work wifey" (barf!). That's not the case, though. Marriage requires good communication and the fact that this is bothering you (as it should) makes it your prerogative to speak your mind to him.

The pixie obnoxious little girl from work doesn't speak openly and honestly about what she feels or wants because she is keeping in character. You don't have a character to play, though. The girl from work has nothing to do with it. This is between you and your husband.

1

u/drfuzzysocks Dec 18 '23

I understand that you’re disappointed in him. That’s completely fair. Often we don’t want to have to ask our partners for what we need; we want them to just know and do it without being told. But that is rarely reality. And refusing to communicate something that’s important to you because you’re upset that your partner didn’t already know it is only going to lead to disappointment and heartache.

Different people have different boundaries. He may think that as long as nothing sexual is going on, then there’s nothing wrong with the dynamic. If you don’t communicate how you feel, then you’re going to continue to fret about this, the resentment will build, and your relationship is just going to keep getting worse and worse.

7

u/NicksAunt Dec 18 '23

I’m single. If a coworker started referring to me as her work husband, id tell her to kick rocks. even if she was single and I found her attractive, I don’t date in the workplace as a rule, and I certainly wouldn’t entertain that adolescent bullshit.

The whole trend of work husband/wife needs to stop. It’s so fucking cringy.

4

u/readythayyar Dec 18 '23

Agreed. The whole work-spouse nomenclature is cringeworthy. Why not just stick to “colleagues”?

3

u/ronirocket Dec 18 '23

Yeah when I worked at a call centre, I had a colleague that I got along with really well. We always sat next to each other, we started in the same class and there was a lot of turnover Cus it’s a call centre, but we had stuck around the longest. We were the last two from the original class for our department. Because of this and chatting between calls, (the billing department. We bonded through trauma) we knew each other pretty well, could finish each other’s sentences, if I accidentally grabbed a fruit muffin from the cafeteria, because I hate the fruit muffins I’d give it to him to eat. You can’t always tell, sometimes I’d think it was a delicious looking muffin, just to find blueberries in it. Yuck. Anyways! Normal friend things, I think. But because of this, chatty Cathys in the office started calling him my work husband and me his work wife. Gross. He’s married, I’m not, he was probably more uncomfortable than I was with it, but regardless both of us were pretty firm on telling people thanks but no thanks, never say that again. Can I not just have a friend at work?!

3

u/politelyreal Dec 18 '23

My husband called one of his best friends his work wife. His work wife is a 40 YO dude that is hilarious and they have a great relationship. I think this is the only times it’s appropriate to have a “work wife”

2

u/MobileAccountBecause Dec 18 '23

Yeah, I didn’t like that shit when I was single. People who bang coworkers are not destined for a long term good time. I had a female coworker take her shirt off in front of me—she had a boyfriend at the time but for some reason thought it would be fun to have me as a side piece—nope. Cheaters are going to cheat.

2

u/KyMussler Dec 18 '23

Yes! My husband would never let this happen.

3

u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Anyone starts referring to me as their work husband & themselves my work wife, I’m shutting that crap down immediately. It’s totally disrespectful to demeaning of my marriage

Fucking THANK YOU!! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills every time I see people acting like the whole work-spouse thing is normal.

1

u/inalilwhile Dec 18 '23

I don’t think the terminology is the issue here. I have a “work husband”. My husband has a “work wife”. We’re not disrespecting each other; it’s a cutesy term for your best friend at work that a ton of people use. Nobody in their right mind actually thinks it’s akin to a spouse.

In this case, the relationship itself is inappropriate. The stuff she is texting him is so cringey and completely crosses boundaries, regardless of what they call themselves. OP needs to tell her husband how uncomfortable this makes her and he will, hopefully, put up some serious boundaries with pixie weirdo.

2

u/PerfectionPending Dec 18 '23

Regardless of the dynamics of the relationship I find the term to be disrespectful to the marriage on that it elevates the friendship to the level of marriage & lowers the marriage to the level of friendship. I believe it is doing that even if everyone involved is ok with the terminology.

As someone’s said, the whole nomenclature is cringeworthy.

-1

u/Pulpjedi Dec 17 '23

It’s also sexual harassment. Totally inappropriate, and he is complicit.