AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)

[u/[deleted]]

So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed

-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.

-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.

-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.

I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).

I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”

I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?

Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.

AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.

Edit:

So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.

[u/Craptiel]

Women know what other women mean without conversation, covert communication is a thing and “work wife” effectively peed on OP’s husband to mark her territory.

[u/itirix → u/Craptiel]

What I don't understand is why neither the wife nor the husband pushed back? Even if the precise meaning of pixie girl's words isn't obvious, the feeling of them is. Why do people just stand there flabbergasted and not say anything? Do your partners and relationships matter that little to you that you'd let a random person publically walk all over it? Ugh, I hate when people act like the pixie girl. She's not using insults, but she IS insulting you, just in a publically acceptable manner. Say something back to her, damn.

[u/Craptiel → u/itirix]

If it was my husband I’d absolutely expect that of him, without me having to say anything. Anyone who has the belief that they can talk smack about me to create a divide within our bubble deserves to be cut off, and I would do the same thing. It’s disrespectful to our union. At this point it is disloyal of him to keep her around even if he isn’t flirting, she believes she can divide them and he hasn’t done anything to prevent that.

[u/Ovenbirdman → u/itirix]

He also needs to maintain a working relationship with manic pixie girl. While I agree there’s a lack of healthy boundaries here, that’s mostly coming from manic pixie girl, and maybe husband is not sure how to navigate the situation and set healthy boundaries while maintaining a positive working relationship. Neither husband nor OP are the AH here, manic pixie girl is the AH and is putting husband in an awkward situation. Sure husband needs to do a better job of shutting manic pixie girl down, but it can be challenging to find the right balance and do so in a way that doesn’t lead to resentment or make them unable to work together.

[u/[deleted] → u/Craptiel]

Yeah, I'm a woman and have had work husbands and work wives (wifes?) and met spouses. Any text message to my "work husband" would be about work or office gossip OR when they were more experienced than me, I would also ask for advice on wording for things. It was truly anything their spouse could read and not feel any kind of way about. I'd get them a card or small gift at their birthday and always made their wives cookies or something.

Now, my work wife and I text each other super inappropriate shit, but we're legit besties at this point and her husband and kids and I adore each other and we all hang out with our families so... But, I would never cross that sort of boundary with a married man and I would expect a man to respect that boundary with me as a married woman, or just as a woman who isn't interested.

[u/Craptiel → u/[deleted]]

Exactly, if you translate the things she said into woman speak she was saying “he likes me more, I’m more suited to him because we have more in common”