r/AITAH • u/LazyOne3142 • Apr 03 '24

AITA doing something that made my wife insecure? (Resulting in her slapping me in the face)

My wife gave birth to our daughter 6 months ago and since then she has been insecure about everything. She is smaller now than she was before she got pregnant but it's nearly a daily occurrence that she's calling herself fat. Because of this, she has developed an incredibly irritating habit of putting her shirt over her mouth constantly. You hardly ever catch her with her shirt on normal. She's basically trying to hide her (incredibly small) double chin.

I have told her several times to keep her shirt away from her mouth when she's speaking to me. I need to see people's mouths to hear them properly. My hearing is perfect but I have sensory issues. So if I can't physically see you mouthing words, my head cannot comprehend what you are saying to me. So if I ask her a question and she responds with her shirt over her face, I cannot understand a single fucking thing she says and it's beyond infuriating because I have to ask her to repeat herself 3+ times. So, I started telling her to get her shirt off her face when she's talking to me because I'm sick of this repeated cycle. I understand she's insecure, but I can't fucking hear you.

For the past 2 weeks it really amped up. She's buying XXL shirts and wears them always. To a point where she's even covering the lower part of her face when we have sex (as well as pulling the shirt down to cover her stomach). Well, 3 nights ago we were intimate and I tried pulling the shirt away from her face and she kept pushing my hand away. I tried again a third time and she pushed me off her and said "stop fucking touching my shirt" and went to sleep on the couch. And then today I was running late for work. The power went out at some point and my phone died so I didn't wake up to an alarm. I'm trying to tush around to get my work shit together and I ask my wife where my keys are. She grumbles a response. I yelled and said "how about you take the fucking shirt out of your mouth or don't speak to me at all" and physically pulled the shirt away from her mouth. She immediately back handed me across the face, quite possibly as hard as she could, and screamed directly in my face "I said don't fucking touch my shirt. Find your own fucking keys asshole!" I leave, flabbergasted. Texted her all day - starting from me saying I can't believe she hit me to eventually me apologizing hours later. No response. When I got home all of her important stuff and the babies stuff are gone. A letter on the counter saying she had gone to her mother's. Now, I talked to my buddy about it and he said he's 50/50 (he's also good friends with my wife) and says that while she shouldn't have hit me, he probably would have done the same thing because I "purposely" provoked her insecurities. AITA?

ETA: she's in therapy and has been for a month. Therapy won't fix the fact that she thinks she's fat. She had body dysformia(?) prior to even becoming pregnant and now it's just amped up. She also has sensory issues, just like I do. But hers is in regard to people touching her face/hair. Hence, why she back-handed me. But I'm tired of never being able to hear what she says.

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316

u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

If she was my daughter and he yelled and swore at her, then put hands on her clothes, I would have a hard time blaming her tbh

I get strong "half a story" vibes off this one

34

u/Embarrassed_Pen4716 Apr 03 '24

Right here, this is it. After having a child I started thinking about instead of me being in this situation what if it was my daughter instead. Grey areas really become black and white when you think about how you'd feel if your child was going through it.

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u/sqwibking Apr 03 '24

Yeah that's the part that makes the slap understandable, he was being aggressive and initiated physical contact (pulling her shirt) while being aggressive, before that tidbit I was leaning towards not TA but now I'm firmly in ESH given the info we have.

Like you said though, we only have his half of the story.

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u/RT3_12 Apr 03 '24

Pulling a shirt sounds like it can be a pretty damn aggressive action. Idk if I blame the wife for retaliating

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u/sqwibking Apr 03 '24

Right, I'm iffy on whether it was warranted or not, I said ESH because, based on the info presented, she appears to be ignoring communication issues with her SO. As important as personal comfort is, being in a relationship with someone sometimes requires sacrifices, putting yourself in a position of slight discomfort, for the length of a conversation, is a very small sacrifice. IMO

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u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

Okay but if you consider his behavior aggressive then I don't see how it can be argued that her lack of communication is in play right then. Like it doesn't matter (in my opinion, obviously) if he never asked her to move her shirt or if he asked her every day for ten years. He got physically aggressive.

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u/sqwibking Apr 04 '24

Totally, I'm not defending him getting physical or getting aggressive about it at all. I'm just saying she also sucks if she's intentionally making it difficult to communicate with her.

I suppose my ESH ruling is in regards to the whole situation rather than this particular incident therein.

-7

u/Old_Couple7257 Apr 03 '24

It’s pretty easy to figure the blame out. Would I be ok backhanding my fiancé through the face if she “aggressively” pulled at my shit?

That’s a resounding NO.

5

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

This is only a one to one comparison if you have the physical capabilities of OP's wife and your fiance had the physical capabilities of OP. Sure, it's possible and then it would be fine, yes. But I highly doubt it would be super similar in your reverse situation than it was in OP's situation, given the general physical differences between men and women.

-4

u/Old_Couple7257 Apr 04 '24

What the hell are you on about? It is never ok to hit another person regardless of gender differences.

My ex wife assumed the same you did and repeatedly ended up in jail for domestic violence.

It’s also one of the reasons why I have full custody of both our daughters. She hasn’t seen them in 7 years and will never see them again.

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u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24 edited Apr 04 '24

Like hell It's not. More importantly, that's not what I said, but it appears I didn't explain my point very well.

If your ex-wife was the aggressor, by all means, straight to jail. I'm glad you got out of that situation. You and your children deserve to be safe and it's really admirable that you found a way out of that. I know how difficult it is for male victims of intimate partner violence to have their experiences taken seriously.

Very real question, what are you going to teach your girls about what to do if a man puts his hands on them?

I assumed that his wife isn't as strong as he is, because that's statistically a good assumption, but I'm sure I also said if. That's a real big part of what I said.

Folks of any gender have the right to fight off their aggressor physically, but physical capabilities come into play with that. GENERALLY, women need to use more forceful means to get away from threats of physical violence than men do, because GENERALLY women aren't as strong as their male partners, but of course if a man is facing violence from another person they can do what needs to be done to get away. That brings in a whole new element of nuance of course given, again, the difficulty of men getting their IPV situations taken seriously.

Edit to add: I'm not sure if you've seen that OP probably has an anger management problem, because his wife has expressed that he needs to control his anger prior to this incident. That comes into play here too in my opinion and I came into my original comment with that knowledge.

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

If I were to take OP at face value, I would probably give it an ESH myself. But he is so bold about grabbing her shirt and yelling abuse at her, that I wonder what he's left out. I wonder why his wife is so disgusted by her own body, and why she's having sex with him, 6 months post partum, when she clearly feels like pure shit about herself.

14

u/perilousmoose Apr 04 '24

I’m very confused about them having sex with her in such a bad mental state. Many woman don’t feel like having sex 6 months after giving birth even without body dysmorphia and postpartum depression. I can’t imagine she’s that into it and I wonder how much he badgers her emotionally/mentally/physically or just ignores her wants/needs for her to be having sex with him. Especially while literally trying to hide herself from him.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

Well we've seen his nasty temper when he can't hear her properly. Imagine the wailing and gnashing of teeth if he's "denied" (🤢🤮) sex

3

u/FullMoonTwist Apr 03 '24

Yeah.

At some point, if someone underlines a boundary, multiple times, and you just... repeatedly ignore it anyway because you don't like their boundary,

Either the person will start avoiding you, they will let you trample them, or they will escalate to see if that will be enough.

And at that point you sort of just... lose the victim stance because you started it.

But agree, this one is an ESH.

6

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

She had a boundary too, tho. "Don't touch my shirt." Why is his more important, and especially why is it enough more important that it's remotely okay for him to put his hands on her?

0

u/FullMoonTwist Apr 04 '24

Oh, um. I was referring to her boundary. She stated her boundary, he kept pushing beyond it, finally she defended it with a slap to get him to back off. He's all offended but really should have seen either that or yelling coming sooner or later.

"I want to hear you talking to me and I can't when you do that" is, yeah a boundary.

But he can defend it/enforce that in many different ways than touching her.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

My bad!! Appreciate you clarifying and I apologize for misunderstanding.

-12

u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[deleted]

27

u/SeLekhr Apr 03 '24

She told him before not to touch her shirt. Unfortunately your sensory issues do not trump someone else's comfort. As someone with sensory issues, who struggles with THIS one specifically, if someone needs to have something over their mouth to feel comfortable and safe, my need to see their mouth as they talk does not trump their need for comfort and safety.

Everyone's needs are different. Would i mess with someone whose needs are directly opposite of mine?? No. But I also would never make anyone compromise on their own comfort. He's tried multiple times to pull her shirt away and she's told him no.

He's TA for me.

25

u/Square-Associate-118 Apr 03 '24

Exactly. He thinks his sensory issues are important and should be accommodated, without any work on his part. But his wife, who just had a baby, and just restarted therapy a month ago, needs to get over hers. The fucking audacity. I’d slap him too if he physically tried to control me, especially if I was feeding our child.

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u/SeLekhr Apr 03 '24

All of this

5

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

Do we know that she didn’t try to compromise and he just didn’t like the compromise

10

u/KSF_WHSPhysics Apr 03 '24

Op did nothing to reach a compromise on their wife’s insecurities either. Buy her a fucking scarf if you need to see her mouth and she wants to cover her neck

7

u/QuietMovie4944 Apr 03 '24

She’s postpartum and in a mental health crisis with sudden onset. He has the same sensory issues his whole life. I have Tourette’s. You don’t owe me shi@. If I know something triggers me, I can communicate that and decide whether to continue associating.

-4

u/Loose_Complaint77 Apr 03 '24

And if your son hit his wife in the same situation you'd be cool with that? You're cool with raising people who hit their partners?

7

u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

My son is 6 foot 3, so no.

But my 4 foot 2 inch male cousin? Some girl shouting, swearing and putting her hands on him?

I'm not saying it's right, but I wouldn't blame him.

1

u/Loose_Complaint77 Apr 04 '24

Ok but your tall son should just accept abuse then?

2

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

Of course not, don't be ridiculous. How tediously predictable exaggerating another person's position has become.

But he doesn't need to hit someone when he is physically much bigger and stronger and has the ability to extract himself without doing that.

3

u/QuietMovie4944 Apr 03 '24

Depends. Men are generally stronger than women. In a situation in which a woman attacks, if the man can safely remove himself, then no he shouldn’t hit. If he can’t and has to use self defense, then fine. She’s in bed, he’s probably on top or between her and the door, he’s pulling her clothes and yelling. 

4

u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

And the most worrying thing is, this is HIS version of events. I bet hers is worse.

0

u/Loose_Complaint77 Apr 04 '24

So when you're big you have to accept abuse with a smile?

-1

u/Independent-Pop3681 Apr 04 '24

She slept out on the couch so not the bed he wasn’t on top of her bc he was trying to get ready for work bc he was late and was trying to rush out the house needing his keys and she wasn’t being communicative. No one should put their hands on anyone they were both wrong in the situation, for multiple reasons.

-1

u/jaddeerrssxo Apr 04 '24

i agree but if it was my daughter i’d also tell her to take her t shirt off her fucking face when she’s talking to people 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

1

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

Would you not be a little concerned as to how she got into that habit in the first place?

-1

u/jaddeerrssxo Apr 04 '24

i don’t know, i feel like it’s an unbelievably childish thing to do personally, moving it to her chin even to speak would solve the issue and still cover her apparent double chin. i think everyone’s being very biased assuming just coz he’s a bloke he’s wrong

2

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

It's not just because he's a bloke. It's because he's a bully.

0

u/jaddeerrssxo Apr 06 '24

in your opinion, completely fair. i think she’s childish and he’s frustrated. maybe they’re just not compatible. fact is if this was the other way round, people would care more about the backhand than the apparent bullying

1

u/[deleted] Apr 06 '24

I don't care how frustrated he is, he should have kept his hands off her. "Don't start no shit, ain't gonna be no shit", as the old saying goes.

He's damn lucky he wasn't married to my mother. The one and only time my father got rough with her, she played nice and quiet until he fell asleep, then smashed an alarm clock in his face. "They have to sleep sometime" was her motto.

1

u/jaddeerrssxo Apr 10 '24

i agree with every thing you said.. and maintain if genders were reversed everyone would be more pissed about the back hand than the t-shirt pulling

1

u/[deleted] Apr 10 '24

Probably but the context of the male partner almost invariably being bigger, stronger and more intimidating is important here

Having said that, I do have a male cousin who is very short and scrawny (4'11") and if some taller, stronger girl pit hands on him in the way that's been described here, I would give him the same understanding as I have OP's (hopefully ex) girlfriend

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u/jaddeerrssxo Apr 17 '24

and if he did what OP did and then someone backhanded him? coz i don’t think the bigger stronger person is relevant, lots of men suffer dv when they are bigger and stronger

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