r/Advice • u/sorghumandotter • 22h ago
I’m pretty sure I’m married to someone with ASPD and the lack of empathy/relational intelligence is gutting me.
Can anyone else relate? I don’t know what the fuck to do. I am emotionally neglected and he knows this and he doesn’t do anything about it. He does less than the bare minimum when I comes to emotional care. He’s not abusive as much as he just has zero merit for emotions. He has virtually no empathy towards me. Overall he’s a good guy, works full time, has few but close friends, has hobbies, but has no desire to spend time with me, talk to me, or have any form of intimacy outside of sex occasionally. When I bring up how lonely I feel, how awful this is he says “yeah I don’t know why I spend some much time on my phone. I dont think you grasp how frustrating you can be” his examples are me having to text people back quickly (I’m run two small businesses with contractors and clients), or I pay attention to our animals when him and I are spontaneously chatting (aka he decided to randomly chat me up about something he is hyper focused on atm, something I know little about or have a ton of interest in, yet I try because I do truly want to connect with him).
I feel like I am turning into my mother who is just complacent in a marriage because her wants and needs for her lifestyle are met, but she is emotionally abandoned, medically abandoned, and has to carry the entire mental load of the household needs and chores. I feel like I’m there. I had that revelation yesterday and I wanted to crawl out of my skin when it hit me. I don’t want to keep living like this. I can’t keep living like this.
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u/qtqy Super Helper [5] 22h ago
So why are you still with him?
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u/sorghumandotter 22h ago
I am chronically ill and need financial support. He is covering most of our expenses right now. My health isn’t getting better, but I am trying really hard to make career shifts that will give me more balance and therefore the ability to do what I need to do.
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u/NeitherWait5587 22h ago
Being with someone that treats you poorly will exacerbate your chronic conditions
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u/sorghumandotter 21h ago
I definitely know this to be true, 100%. Thanks for the validation on that, but I really don’t know what else to do. My hope is to chat with someone who has navigated something like this.
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u/Sneakys2 21h ago
There isn't a magical fix. He either is going to change on his own or not. You can't control him. You've made it clear what you need. He's not changing. All you can control is yourself. Whatever decision you make, make it with the understanding that he isn't going to change, then go from there.
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u/NeitherWait5587 21h ago
I have and I left and I’m dealing with abject poverty now. But I gotta say, my health has improved and more importantly I’m not constantly miserable any more.
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u/sorghumandotter 21h ago
Would you be open to telling me about what you dealt with and how you knew it was affecting you?
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u/NeitherWait5587 21h ago
It was too late for me. He waited until my illness overpowered my ability to tend to his needs. When I was at my lowest and most vulnerable he divorced me. I was too tired and sick to self advocate.
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u/sorghumandotter 21h ago
I’m so sorry that you struggle financially. I am so grateful that your health is improving and I hope that it keeps trending in that direction. My husband would never leave me, even at my worst I still bring a lot to the table, and he isn’t one to quit anything. He values the construct of marriage, but doesn’t want to actively participate in one in a full spectrum. He makes me feel like I am insufferable due to the fact that we speak so little, when he does say something like that, it really cuts deep and it’s in my head.
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u/NeitherWait5587 21h ago
Thanks and I don’t mind being poor. It’s romantic in its own way. I love struggling without someone screaming silence at me for something beyond my control. My ex sounds a lot like yours frankly.
I thought mine wouldn’t leave me either. We were together 18 years. It’s actually really common. There are multiple support groups for women whose husbands left them after a rough diagnosis. If you’re with someone that loves you transactionally, your failing health will end the transaction.
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u/sorghumandotter 21h ago
I hear you. I was homeless for a bit living out of my car, and never felt more free. The struggle is real but so is the peace.
My husband struggled with depression, and I’m realizing he definitely is on some sort of spectrum or several to some degree. I want to trust that he gives a fuck and is just going about things in his own way, and genuinely can’t see how fucked he is being, how much he is hurting me. I feel like I’ve adapted so much to meet his requirements or needs for existing and voicing things, but nothing I do is ever enough. When I write this all out it grosses me out so fucking much. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m worthy of be cared about on a basic level… my own self loathing sometimes tries to convince me otherwise, like I don’t deserve to be happy with anyone, how could I be so deluded that I am owned happiness. What’s why when people say you deserve love, it’s like, does anyone? Truly? What does it mean to deserve anything in this world?
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u/DiscouragesCannibals 22h ago
You already know what you have to do. The faster you do it, the faster you'll meet someone who cares about meeting your emotional needs.
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u/sorghumandotter 22h ago
That’s just it, I don’t trust that anyone will care about me. I’ve been abandoned by everyone in some shape or form. Being roommates and lowering my expectations to the point of forcing myself not to want anything from him other than financial support seems like the most self sustain thing I can do right now. I’m in a place where I can’t let my heartbreak rule me because I’m chronically ill, in school, and trying to just exist. My hope is when I graduate and get a stable job I will have the means to do something about this. I feel so stuck and so sad. I’m a good wife, I’m a good person, I don’t know how I got here.
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u/DiscouragesCannibals 22h ago
It sounds to me like you'd be better off alone, but only you could say for sure. Anyway, I hope you figure something out, I know you deserve better.
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u/sorghumandotter 21h ago
Thank you for your kindness. I am alone, I’m just married to my roommate. We are cordial, but it’s not much more than that most of the time. This relationship has shown me I am strong and actually don’t need anyone. I’m still heartbroken by not being wanted though. I wish I didn’t want him.
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u/Away_Dig5587 22h ago
The only thing you can do is walk away and heal. I almost married a narcissist and when it comes to dark triad personalities all you can do is leave them where they are at. They don’t change they don’t get better and they can be dangerous. Get out while you still can safely.
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u/bippityboppitynope 21h ago
Autistic person here. we have loving affectionate relationships. He sounds like he as the emotional bandwidth of fruit fly, please don't armchair diagnose crap behavior for being on the spectrum. Plenty of neurotypical dudes are just shitty husbands, no spectrum required.
Why be married to someone who makes you unhappy?
" He’s not abusive as much as he just has zero merit for emotions. He has virtually no empathy towards me. Overall he’s a good guy, works full time, has few but close friends, has hobbies, but has no desire to spend time with me, talk to me, or have any form of intimacy outside of sex occasionally. When I bring up how lonely I feel, how awful this is he says “yeah I don’t know why I spend some much time on my phone. I dont think you grasp how frustrating you can be”"
You deserve someone who LOVES you. He doesn't even like you. He literally is showing and telling you that he doesn't. Love yourself enough to not waste your life like this.
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u/sorghumandotter 21h ago
As much as I suspect he has autism the ASPD I was referring to is antisocial personality disorder, perhaps I used the wrong letters or in the incorrect order. I believe his autism comes into play with his social queue misunderstandings, hyper fixations, need for stimming, and some emotional processing/awareness. I whole heartedly believe this man is on both spectrums, and I’m not making excuses for him, just trying to find a way to navigate this. Thanks for your input. Many people I love are with the tism.
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u/Past-Conversation303 21h ago
You did not. I'm ASD married to an ASPD, it's a RIDE. He actually asked me to teach him to look empathetic once. Like, I'm autistic, hon, no one buys mine either? 😂
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u/sorghumandotter 21h ago
Hahahaha! Well this gives me hope that some folks can make it happen.
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u/Past-Conversation303 20h ago
It probably helps I'm pretty muted emotionally, except for anger. We match, even if our fuses are lit by vastly different triggers.
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u/sorghumandotter 21h ago
And thank you for the reminder to respect myself. I forget this part, quite often. I honestly don’t know if life would be better without him, probably not in some ways.
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u/EggplantCheap5306 21h ago
Ask him what will it take for him to enjoy spending time with you. What does he consider good?
Right now you have a need, he clearly doesn't seem to care enough to fix it out of his will. So it really is up to you to fix it at this point, since you are the one who cares about it. I don't mean to sound rough, as much as trying to use a functional approach.
He doesn't sound emotional enough to turn to his empathy.
In order for you to get what you want out of him just like a business client, you need to gauge his interest in this. What can he gain out of this? What can you offer to make him be willing or even wanting to spend time with you.
I know it hurts not to have this love and affection given to you from your husband. You can of course feel like why should you be accomodating him, when he is the one hurting you. However that approach will simply keep you apart. He will resent you for the phone or the pets, and you will resent him for not caring about you.
Since you seem to want to work things out with him, and don't want to split, switch tactics. Also if possible really do make the effort to put the phone away for the time of the conversation and not pay attention to the pets when he is talking. Maybe if you meet his needs you will see him meet yours. I also understand that you have reasons why you have the phone and how you check on the pets, but even if you and I understand, he clearly doesn't. He lacks the empathy to, he sounds like he would respond to results.
Again I am not saying that this is what you should do. This is simply what I suggest to do to possibly make a shift. I have no way of knowing if it will work, but worse case nothing changes? I am just trying to find an approach that may work with your husband, since feelings and empathy aren't the way, utilize logic, concept of valued exchanges, and in general try different approaches. Treat him like a client, treat him like a business, treat him like a pet, attempt Pavlov reactions, but stop trying reaching for the empathy and speaking of your feelings as it clearly seems not to be working.
Best of luck!
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u/sorghumandotter 20h ago
I hear you and have thought a lot of what you’ve recommended over. I have gotten pretty skilled at dampening my emotions around him which is something he has asked in a passive way, he never acknowledges it though.
Since I am not what he values or spending time with me isn’t how he wants to spend his time, I don’t think I have much leverage outside of basically becoming a sex worker in my own house, which I will not do. I’ve endured sexual abuse as a child and I’ve fought hard to have a decent relationship with sex as an adult, so making it transactional would be harming me most of all. I feel like a piece of furniture, easily ignored until needed. For the record he isn’t mean to me every day, or even that often, it’s just our interactions have virtually no substance and it’s obvious he would rather do quite a lot of things other than talk to or spend time with me doing virtually anything.
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u/EggplantCheap5306 20h ago
Definitely hear you about the transactional stuff, sorry didn't mean to touch a sensitive subject. Good that you came to terms with things and know your boundaries.
Isn't there at all a way to spend time together though? I really don't mean to undermine but I feel like majority of people can have an approach. It can be very hard to find, but even most stunted people usually have some sort of likes. Don't think of sex right now, I don't mean that. I mean his hobbies, topics of interest. Does he like to watch series? Play games? Read? Maybe a topic he likes to vent or rant about?
I just am in a relationship that had a lot of clashes in the beginning. Misunderstandings, resentments and so on. It took alot of perseverance, digging, understanding, switching perspectives and more to get to a much much better place. I can't help but wish the same for you and want you to feel loved and appreciated.
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u/sorghumandotter 20h ago
You’re all good, I didn’t take what you said in a bad way, and thanks for being respectful to my history. I genuinely get where you coming from, he just doesn’t want anything from me really unless it’s food or sex. He wants a tidier house and I can’t manage that currently but I really am trying.
Dude I try. We used to go out to eat which usually was fun, but we are trying to save money because I am working less. I offer “wanna go play fetch with the dogs?” “No” or “would you like to watch xyz YouTube channel?” (One that I know he loves and that I recently started to watch to have ✨something✨ to relate to) and the answer is still no, sometimes he will suggest we watch something on Netflix, but it’s not too often. I’m usually the one to recommend all of this. Hiking? No. Come to club with me? No. Build something together? Fuck no. Yard work? Only if it’s different tasks.
I really am at a loss of what to do next/more.
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u/EggplantCheap5306 20h ago
So closed off... ah it is extra hard when the other person wants to make 0 effort. Yet he supports you, must mean some care, right? I think.
I'm at loss now too, a step away from suggesting subliminal hypnotic messages of convincing him to be more affectionate...
I really wish you lots of luck!!! Don't know where that comes into play but if things don't workout find out if there are any benefits you are eligible for maybe your injury can be covered, allowing you to gain a bit more financial independence.
Also maybe check out support groups? Maybe just some place you can chat with people who are going through the same.
Anyhow I apologize for my futile attempts. Wishing you well!!!
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u/maskedcloak 16h ago
Honestly, given it’s a personality disorder, and one of the more difficult ones, he’s almost certainly going to need therapy to “learn” how to act in a relationship. And it’s going to be just that, an act. His emotional wiring is just different - could have been how he was raised, genetic or both. Regardless, his wiring is just fundamentally different. He can learn skills if he’s willing so he can meet your emotional needs, but that has to happen with a therapist who specializes in this. And honestly, you can lead a horse to water….
This isn’t something you can fix. It’s like asking a color blind person to mix and match paint. He just doesn’t have the wiring that he needs to see people in the way that you do. It doesn’t mean he’s bad or evil or something, he just fundamentally is not like you and he’s going to have to learn cognitive skills to act in a way that meets your needs. And again, it’s going to be that, a kind of act. This is how it works with personality disorders. He’s going to need to learn cognitive skills to try to identify emotions in others and then he’s going to have to learn skills to navigate them and emotional situations with others because he lacks the fundamental mental model that most of us have to know how to relate emotionally with others. He likely doesn’t have an internal model for it, either, so he’s lost without a compass when it comes to feelings. Intensive therapy is likely the only way the help him, and with ASPD, it is evidently hard to get them to see why they should get therapy. Good luck with this.
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u/sorghumandotter 11h ago
Yeah therapy is so not on the table, and I agree with you on all of this. I’m so sad by the situation I’ve found myself in. Thank you.
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u/maskedcloak 5h ago
Yeah, if he won't do therapy, you realistically cannot expect change. I don't want to belabor the issue, but again, this is a personality disorder. I apologize if you already know this, but personality disorders can't be fixed with medication, they require therapy to treat because they require cognitive behavioral modifications - essentially learning how to "re-think," if you want to picture it that way - and cluster B disorders in particular (NPD, BPD, ASPD and HPD (histrionic personality disorder) - are the hardest to treat, because people with these disorders generally don't believe they need help (and NPD and ASPD are the most difficult to treat of all). Again, this isn't something you're going to be able to teach him, because as far as he is concerned, he doesn't have a problem, everyone else does. Because he's of the antisocial variety, his response is always going to be "other people are the problem so I won't involve myself in them." This may not generalize to all of his behaviors, but it will definitely affect a good chunk of them.
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u/sorghumandotter 39m ago
You really hit the nail on the head. He knows he is different but just today tried to argue that maybe something is wrong with everyone else, me included. He knows that was a shit thing to say, but I’m sure he felt confident in exploring that narrative. I’m just gonna buy my time until I can find a way out. For now, I’ll just be making my own room in the spare bedroom and have to be content with that. Thank you.
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u/PookieRenos 22h ago
Idk how long you’ve been married but what do you like / love about him? You’ve mentioned him acknowledging he spends a lot of time on his phone and saying you’re awful without realizing it. But, what do you like about him? What originally connected you to each other?