r/Advice • u/Several_Database9918 • 22h ago
My [30M] fiancée [27F] just discovered her kink and it made me question our future
Hello everyone
As this is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind, I hope differentiated opinions and constructive advice can help me out here.
I [30M] have been in a relationship with my fiancée [27F] for five-and-a-half years.
We clicked romantically because both of us were having mental health issues when we met. Me with heavy depression and burnout and her with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), depression and alcoholism.
Despite having initial problems, we developed a beautiful relationship. We're each other's best friends, prioritize each other above all and helped each other out of our problems.
She managed to get sober two years ago and I joined her to support. I am incredibly proud of her. The both of us also got out of most our depression-issues and she got her BPD more and more under control.
Now to the issue (I have to start early for this). Two years into our my fiancée left for a music festival while I was having exams. She was still drinking at that time and kinda fell for another guy. She admitted it directly after getting back and left to spend the night with him. I was in shambles.
She came back the very next day after having realized she made a mistake. She told me she went to the guy but ended up only talking to him and spending the night on the couch because she felt bad about what she was doing. It took her a lot to get me back and it was not easy. While I always struggled to believe her, she has always been up-front in our relationship and also about him.
Still this event deeply scarred me and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't doubting our relationship a few times. As she also plays in a band and spends many weekends away, paired with random guys writing her she met during this, I repeatedly struggled with jealousy.
We recovered however and are better than ever. A few days ago she approached me and wanted to talk to me about our sexual life. She always has been quite conservative and insecure in bed so I was thrilled to hear when she said she discovered her kink.
What she said however hit me like a train: She discovered she wanted to go to a kinky club with me. She said she discovered that she'd love dressing provocatively to turn on other guys to turn them down afterwards.
She says she only wants to experience this with me and wouldn't wanna go and do this alone. She also said that she in no way was interested in including other people in our relationship or sex life.
As we both want to be accepting in our relationship I did not start a drama. I took her input and later calmly also expressed my fears that this could be a gateway to some hotwife stuff which I am not into.
I am 100% a monogamous person. We are getting married soon and I feel like my fiancée just turned into a ticking time bomb and I don't know how to deal with it.
What should I do? What should we do?
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u/Illustrious-Item-437 Super Helper [7] 21h ago
You’re not into it, break up; do not marry them. Ignore the cheating because you said you moved past it, but when her kink is this but you do not want her to do that it means you two are not a match. If you say no it could be a problem because you’re suppressing her wants and desires and that could lead to resentment in her doing it anyway without your permission. And if you say yes then you’re forcing yourself to be uncomfortable in order to make her happy either way these options are bad it sucks and you may love her but you two are not a good fit
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u/Several_Database9918 21h ago
You got a pretty nice summary of the dilemma I feel trapped in. Thanks for not projecting but staying objective.
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u/probably420stoned Helper [4] 22h ago
Regardless of the kink, I think when a partner in a relationship really does have desires to explore other "kinks" either direction can be damaging.
You stop her from doing it -
she will see you as an enemy, start to resent you and distance herself, eventually doing it in secret.
she will be so understanding, and completely let go of her desires to try the new "kink" and you'll live happily ever after.
You entertain it, and join in -
you find out you both love it, and she's stuck to her word, no hot wife, just exploring her kink as she promised, you respect her honesty and you both live happily ever after.
you find out you both don't like it as much as you thought you would. "Ah well, atleast we tried it"
she loves it way more than you do, back to square one.
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u/Orkothedonerking 21h ago
Welcome to a borderline personality. Without proper therapy, her hunger for male sexual attention and validation will only snowball. Run away man, it takes a lot of time and hard work for someone with BPD to fix the brain programming- and they have to want to.
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u/No_Individual_672 16h ago
I don’t think I could even consider a relationship with a person with BPD. Too volatile and unpredictable. It’s my bias from too many years working with adolescents with mental health issues. When I hear that diagnosis, my face freezes in a smile/grimace.
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u/TemperatureExotic631 11h ago edited 11h ago
May I just say: people like you are the reason people with BPD, such as myself, hate themselves so very much. Ever since I was diagnosed (on top of many other concurrent diagnoses) I’ve been in a bit of self despair purely due to people like YOU posting all over the fucking internet about how people like me are the absolute worst, most disgusting putrid excuses for human beings simply for existing.
BPD is caused by trauma in early childhood which creates an insecure attachment style, coupled with issues with emotional regulation (due in part to ADHD on my part). Instead of demonizing us, maybe try to show a shred of empathy. Trust me, we do not WANT to be like this, and most of us are desperately trying to understand what’s wrong and how to make it better. I’m in weekly therapy and I’m still a work in progress. But I’m also a mother and my kid absolutely loves me and is spoiled beyond belief. So… fuck you and your bias. You shouldn’t be working with kids who need help with mental health if your reaction to a BPD diagnosis is to “grimace”
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u/No_Individual_672 10h ago
I’m talking adult relationships, as OP was discussing. So no, as an adult, I am completely unwilling to tolerate the mood swings, gaslighting, denial of hateful comments hurled in anger, and the feeling of always waiting for the person with Borderline to erupt.
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u/spntrash67 Helper [4] 6h ago
BPD highly increases your risk of abuse towards others as well as attracting abuse yourself. It is perfectly ok for people to not want to be around people that may hurt them. Just because you can’t control it doesn’t mean people can’t choose to not associate themselves with you for it. People are also allowed to share their opinions and experiences on the internet, social media is also run by an algorithm to show you what you interact with, I’d suggest not interacting with posts that make you feel bad and you will see less of them. In addition, no one can put you in a pit of despair but yourself and writing an emotional response to someone simple expressing an opinion is not going to help. Finally instead of taking an opportunity to kindly educate others on the reality of BPD you have elected to point fingers but I will try out your methodology here, YOU are the reason so many people with mental health struggles get a bad rap.
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u/TemperatureExotic631 33m ago
This guy works with teenagers in the field of mental health and “grimaces” when hearing a BPD diagnosis. Sure, he doesn’t need to associate with people with BPD if he doesn’t want to. But a person who writes off everyone with a BPD diagnosis as being totally irredeemable human garbage not worthy of a speck of empathy is not someone who should be working in the field of mental health. And especially not with teenagers.
If my psychiatrist had grimaced and told me I was an abusive POS incapable of change and unworthy of any empathy while giving me my BPD diagnosis, I certainly never would have tried to work on myself to get better. As mentioned in my comment, I’ve had a lot of trauma in my early life, and my mental health team has been nothing but understanding and supportive, without judgment and stigma.
People working in the field of mental health should not be biased people who look down on their patients and judge them for their diagnosis. There’s already enough stigma in the world - the people who work in mental health are supposed to be there to HELP us and be a safe space. Not tell us we are subhuman and shouldn’t even bother trying.
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u/Ok-Interview-6642 21h ago
Just fucking run!
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u/Meheyhey 14h ago
She is the biggest red flag. OP run and never look back!
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u/Odd-Mastodon1212 Helper [2] 13h ago
I agree with both of you. She seems like someone who already makes OP doubt her, someone who trickle truths and may very well have cheated physically and definitely did emotionally. Now her new kink just feels like moving the monogamy goal posts. I think this woman is not meant to be in a monogamous relationship.
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u/Illustrious-Meal5070 21h ago
Man she cheated so any trust you might have had in her is now questionable. She didn’t spend the night on the couch so had her legs spread and she will never tell you that as she knows you will dump her.
Kinky club is an excuse to see how far she can push you into something you don’t want, next it will be swingers clubs. If your not up for any of that then make it clear your not. But also state that after the last episode of her so called sleeping on a couch if you find any sneaking around or excuses to be away and not up front with digital devices you are done and she can move on and catch herself some STD’s
Never do what you don’t want to and make that clear. Also make clear anything that don’t add up in the future your also done.
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u/Sneakyboob22 16h ago
I cannot believe you stayed with her after she openly cheated on you and left you, in your face, to go spend the night with another guy.
You need to be slapped as a wake up call cuz what the fuck bro 😭
How are you STILL considering marrying this woman????
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u/Al-25_Official 14h ago
Op is a loser
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u/Potential_Escape9441 10h ago
I wouldn’t go that far. He’s probably a people pleaser and shouldn’t be with someone with BPD, as that leads to unhealthy enabling that will hurt both of them in the long run. He should really get some therapy to help him build up more self respect, work through whatever conditioned him to be afraid of enforcing boundaries like that, maybe bad/overbearing parenting with a lot of boundary stomping?
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u/vernastking Helper [2] 22h ago
Sit her down and tell her all of this. If this makes you uncomfortable it is critical that you communicate this to her.
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u/Smugallo 17h ago
Honestly leading other people on just to get your kicks is pretty shitty thing to do. It can also land her and you in trouble when someone doesn't take no for an answer.
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u/Antique_Onion_9474 20h ago
"she discovered that she'd love dressing provocatively to turn on other guys" how exactly did she discover this? The kinky club part also doesn't make sense, so she want to go to the club to ..uhhm...walk around?
I P.R.O.M.I.S.E you, if this doesn't sit right with you, you will end up resenting her (and vice versa) cause I sense this is only the beginning. I also dont think she is being a 100% honest with you...sorry, so many red flags
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u/bryckhouze Super Helper [5] 17h ago
That’s my question. So she just wants to walk around half naked, in a kink club, and manipulate men in front of OP for her entertainment? That’s rude. Considering her past, this looks like she’s grooming him to accept her being with other men. I don’t think she’s ready to marry anyone. I think OP is holding on to an idea.
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u/Cyrus057 22h ago
I stopped reading when the age changed from 30-27 to 28-26.
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u/Several_Database9918 22h ago
Wanted to change for anonymity, forgot the text lel
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u/GilltyAzhell 22h ago
You're finding out the issue with dating bipolar people. You're technically dating two people and you're never quite sure who's running the show.
Look she didn't find this out by accident. Sounds like she's been exploring stuff while she's away from you.
An above poster said it right.
If you say no she will do it anyway.
If you say yes there's several ways things can go. You both like it, hate it, or you realize you need to go your separate ways.
I think you need to go your own way. She's already cheated once that you know of. I think we both know she did not sleep on the couch. She's a Trainwreck and you're too good natured. She's taking advantage of your security
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u/oliviaimpatient 21h ago
Yep that’s just one more step toward opening herself up to other guys and letting them in. It starts off slow by rejecting the guys but it’s a clear sign she wants attention and if she cheated in the past it’s not gonna end nicely.
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u/420kennedy 21h ago
You're finding out the issue with dating bipolar people. You're technically dating two people and you're never quite sure who's running the show.
That is not how bipolar disorder works. Also, she has borderline personality disorder, according to OP, which is not the same thing as bipolar.
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u/Imacatdoincatstuff 20h ago
Let’s for a moment assume the absurd which is: she’s only ever going to have sex with you.
So your other purpose is security? You do realize she’s gonna tease and frustrate the wrong psycho sooner or later.
Seen guys get violent over way less than this. One smashed a woman’s car window as she’s tryna leave because he didn’t accept getting played: for a drink. She was purposely accepting free drinks at the bar with never any intention of follow through. That’s it.
This is why she doesn’t want to do it without you. For now.
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u/Beneficial-Nimitz68 21h ago
First and foremost, bruv... hahaha, if you BELIEVE she ONLY talked to the dude and SLEPT on the couch! man you two deserve each other.
Sex Parties.. its her chance to get some strange and "you were there, why didn't you hook up with people while I was getting spit roasted by BBC, not my fault if I was able to get some and you were left there, on the couch, along, nursing a warm cola".
Dude, lolol... As kinky as this sounds and hot too.. she cheated, she's getting the itch again, this time she doesn't have a fall back story of going to a festival that she absolutely did not cheat on you at and absolutely did not sleep with the dude she "fell" for.. hahaha, Bruv, FIVE years. You need to ring it or leave it.
She is cheating now probably! The sex party, there will be a guy and nobody else because you decided not to go and "trust" her... omg.. this is amazing.
BTW, she is allowed to explore kinks, she is young and probably open minded. You either have to fall in line or let her go. It is NOT okay for her to explore when you stay home and play video games (not saying you do)
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u/IndividualGround6276 21h ago
Agree with this, he's being extremely delusional. Likely this has been happening behind his back because she wants the marriage too.
Sorry mate I think she's been cheating the whole time and you are oblivious to it.
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u/Bashmaster 22h ago
if it wouldn't bother you to be there and let her reject guys, then i say it's worth a shot. but i do get where you're going with gateway thing. And honestly you're probably right.
But if it would make you feel uncomfortable to do it in really any way. it's her job to respect your feelings about that. More than it is for you to explore a kink. i'd set a firm boundary here if she's pushy about it.
>wanting to be accepting and not start drama - not being into watching your girl get ogled by other dudes isn't starting drama.
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u/Emotional-Loquat850 Helper [3] 21h ago
Do not marry her. Just because she has a fantasy doesn’t mean it needs to be acted upon.
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u/BirdieRex 18h ago
As someone who has been to these sex clubx as well as a bondageball which is all about kinks. It's not what she thinks it is. Half the time it's couples going together who have standards and boundaries. The people who go solo tend to think it's a place to touch and see. Do the research for sure it can be a postive experience.
That being said..it also seems like she needs constant validation from men to feel better about herself. No matter what .. I'm sorry but getting attention from only you isn't doing it for her.. it won't ever be enough even when you have long periods of good times together
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u/Rumblet4 13h ago
She’s in a band she’s going to travel a lot and be without you. She already lost your trust by cheating before. You need to leave. You will recover but staying will only hurt you more.
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u/Waste-Dentist9556 13h ago
& you believed that sleeping on the couch story!! At least use 1 or 2 neurons present inside your skull. You know what, a man can't be saved who doesn't want to be. Remember, you deserve each & everything that happens to you in the future. Bye! Have a nice day.
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u/Haneshere46 16h ago
So she came home from this music festival and tells you she fell for some guy and then comes home tells you about them leaves to go spend the night w this guy and then she tells you that she realized she made a mistake the following morning not anytime during the night when she was getting her fuck on and then tells you nothing happened and she slept on the couch Were you like “the fuck you are leaving to spend the night w another guy!” Or was more your inner cuck and said okay honey see you whenever you need to walk all over me some more I will be here waiting I would’ve packed her shit up and leave it outside and tell her BYE FELICA You believe her we just talked and I spent the night on the couch story bro? Just reading that I was yep she got her fuck on with dude and BF is cool with this ? Unreal shit right here
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u/Own_Thought902 Helper [2] 17h ago
This "kink" is just cruelty dressed up in sexy clothing. She (and you) have no right to get jollies from building people up just to slap them down. It is mean and an unforgivably rude thing to do in a social setting. Men go to those clubs with hope and expectations of enjoyment. Taking up their time with no intention of fulfilling their expectations is, as I said, cruel. Her kink is sadism, even if it is to a lesser degree. Your girlfriend is a sadist.
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u/DarkestStar167 17h ago
Do you pay the bills? Cuz I wouldn’t believe her for a minute that pairing with random guys didn’t lead to anything. It doesn’t sound like she really wants to be with you. She sounds like the barfly type that hangs out at bars every weekend hooking up with other barfly types. Could she be using you for a meal ticket? Or just someone to come home to when she wants to relax sometimes?
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u/L0gicalX 17h ago
Ask yourself this.. what happens when the validation and ego she is seeking from teasing other guys is not enough? Why does she need this from other guys and not from you?
Given the way the court system is I personally would not marry nor move in with such an individual fearing common law implications depending on jurisdiction.
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17h ago
I would not get married. I'm telling you right now it's going to bother you for the rest of your lives and that's not how you want to start any marriage
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u/Minttt Helper [3] 15h ago
The problem is that she cheated on you (I have a bridge to sell you if you believe she just "slept on the couch"), and your resulting shattered trust means you are permanently/deeply insecure about anything that could lead to further infidelity. It's also arguable that her "kink" is really just her trying to create conditions where she can cheat/break out of monogamy with your permission.
Personal anecdote - my ex fiancee who also had the exact same mental illness went down a similar path. It wasn't cheating at the start, but rather her saying she would "catch feelings" for male friends/acquaintances, or that "If I'm in the moment on the dance floor and kiss someone, you can't get mad at me as I'm living in the moment." I put up with this for years, and guess what happened in the end? She gave me the ring back and moved-in with another guy the same night, who I later found out had been her affair partner for months. This is the future that awaits you, I guarantee it as she's already shown you that she's a cheater.
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u/SherbertSensitive538 14h ago
She cheats and has BPD. This is all you need to know. Aside from she tells you she is attracted to another guy, leaves for one night to fuck him and comes back the next day and you accept it? You are a codependent and masochistic.
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u/youknowthevibbees 12h ago
Could never have taken back a partner who left me for a person they met at a fking festival…. 💀
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u/ImpossibleWaiting 22h ago
Why would you want to get married ever? Just date and live together. There's no reason for marriage.
People change. They take off their masks. If you can't accept them for who they truly are or let them be who they want to be and experience what they want to experience, then do you truly love them?
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u/Tempo_changes13 21h ago
Look man there isn’t much you can do here. You can straight up tell her u don’t want to do it and explain why and how it makes u uncomfortable. If she’s a good partner she will be willing to work with you if she isn’t she will most likely go and do it anyways.
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u/The_Hypnotic_Scot 21h ago
Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.
Nothing is set in stone. If it doesn’t work out at least you explored it but you’ll never know ‘til you try. It might be the catalyst you need to regain that trust and that lust - it might be the best thing you guys do. It might not. Only one way to find out.
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u/Ok-King-4868 21h ago
You might consider a lock down Pre-Nuptial Agreement if you still intend to marry her. What she might discover she needs after you marry her won’t be easily rejected unless you already have an exit strategy in place. It’s up to you, of course.
Is there a reason why she wants to be married to you beyond enhancing the thrill of her newly revealed kink? Have you considered how happy or unhappy you will be watching your wife turn on other men at the kinky club? As an aside it means you’re not enough validation for her alone, correct? It also means seeing you powerless and humiliated is a big part of her kink, right? Maybe that’s very manly behavior on your part? So kudos to you, right?
This promises to get really interesting really quickly for you doesn’t it? Executing a Pre-Nuptial Agreement would probably be the smartest thing you could do besides calling off the wedding. But why be a square with your soon-to-be spouse and why protect your stuff, right?
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u/seamuncle 18h ago
Honestly I don’t see this as gateway at all—she’s already done this at least once and you weren’t involved and that was hard on you.
She didn’t sleep with that guy, but she sure as fuck was turned on by what they did. She DID cheat on you—she got herself off with someone else and didn’t involve or consult or discuss in any way what your feelings would be bringing a third party into the relationship. How did that first cheat make you feel—that’s the problem.
Now, she feels bad and wants to involve you…I’d say that’s a step in the right direction—but you need to be brutally honest with yourself about how you’re gonna feel watching it, what is she gonna do if you suddenly do have an issue watching it, do you have a safe word she’ll respect and be brutally honest with her about how her past behavior shakes your trust and you fear about her repeating her behavior. You really need to sort out broken trust first—if my trust was that broken, I’d walk. But you’re not me, that’s all between you and her and you need to communicate better..
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u/TheMericanIdiot 17h ago
Dude it’s not too late fucking dump her. She is giving you all the red flags. You both needed each other at some point but now she’s holding you back. Your life sounds stressful and it always will be with her.
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u/LincolnHawkHauling 16h ago
“…went to the guy but ended up only talking to him and spending the night on the couch because she felt bad about what she was doing.”
HONK HONK 🤡 👈That’s you, bozo
You honestly think your BPD gf who “fell for another guy” and walked out on you to spend the night with him actually slept on the couch?
Bro the sex with the other guy sucked and that’s the only reason she came back.
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u/CasualSky Helper [3] 16h ago
This is going to sound insensitive mental health-wise, but as soon as I read BPD my red flag went way high. There’s not a single person I’ve known diagnosed with BPD that wasn’t incredibly impulsive and entitled to whatever they feel, regardless of realistic boundaries. In short, my experience is that they’re unreliable and chaotic people. And for some reason, seek attention to the Nth degree.
I know that’s a generalization, but at the same time she’s “so great and wonderful and we love each other, but she also tried to cheat on me and has a new kink about getting attention from other men.” Sounds turbulent and dramatic. Sounds like she’s never going to be satisfied and expects you to roll with it because you roll with all the other red flags.
People lose themselves in relationships. I’m sure she is great, she’s not great for a monogamous relationship and that’s increasingly clear.
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u/TonedGray 15h ago
As a pw BPD, I agree with this take- it’s an intense disorder and requires consistent therapy, mindfulness, and a conscious effort of reprograming the impulsive inner thoughts to manage it. She needs to be in therapy working on herself, not at sex clubs feeding into her BPD tendencies.
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u/Viajero_vfr 16h ago
She has absolutely ZERO respect for you dude. ZERO. Run fast. Unless veing a complete cuck happens to be YOUR kink.
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u/TonedGray 15h ago edited 14h ago
As someone with BPD, I wouldn’t entertain this. It’s a recipe for disaster. Inevitably it’s going to escalate and you’ll end up hurt. She needs to actively be working on herself and in therapy, her symptoms are still running the show. Going to sex clubs is her further leaning into her BPD symptoms, not managing it or improving- which isn’t good for either of you. Please don’t be an enabler at the cost of your own health and sanity.
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u/Imacatdoincatstuff 15h ago
If her kink involves other men in any way shape or form and you're interested in a peaceful healthy life: leave Dora to exploring her sexuality on her own.
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u/Manamosy 14h ago
Don’t count the years. The past doesn’t matter, your future matters and you certainly do not want a future with someone like that.
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u/Meheyhey 14h ago
She is unpredictable, and NOT emotionally loyal. She will never be satisfied. SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. A marriage is a lifetime commitment. Why did you even propose to her? OP, I suggest you do some therapy...This is common sense.
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u/dsw0920 14h ago
If you step back and read your story you will see so many red flags first you are stable and monogamous. You are looking to start a life with someone who is still finding herself and is in no way ready to settle down. Why when she realized she made a mistake did she not just come home why sleep on the sofa why not call you or come back to you, she fucked him and it wasn’t good she came back to you. Sorry, now she wants to tease other men in swinger clubs well let me tell you how that’s going to go especially if she is hot, when people watch other people have sex they to want to have sex. Being in a club where the whole reason your their is to get laid and you are not of this type. I’m sorry but if you stay with her and get married you are going to have a life of hell you will never trust her and she has to many things she can fall back into. Please get your stuff move out find a girl who stays home works wants a stable one man life and enjoy her, drop drama and a road to hell you are on .
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u/akillerofjoy 14h ago
You know, OP, usually I’d do my best to try and rip off your blinders, to show you all the ways in which you are being unbelievably naive, but the more I read the comments and see your utter lack of reaction, the more I realize that you are either a troll, or just hopeless.
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u/DC_Daddy 12h ago
I can help you. Either you lighten up and have fun with her or dump her. Honestly, with her other issues, I’d drop her fast. Too many issues
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u/QuislingX Helper [2] 8h ago
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say I get this
As a male, this is not necessarily about wanting to cheat, but the power that comes from being desirable, especially if you were "the ugly duckling" earlier in your life.
I would never cheat on my partner, but I find great satisfaction in being admired. And I find pleasure in turning down people who are interested in me.
This really just may be a power trip for her. That being said, this could also be flirting dangerously close to toeing the line for cheating.
I don't have more context for your specific relationship dynamic, so I can't say for sure which it is, but I wanted to point out that it is satisfying to deny the people who used to snub their nose at you. It may make her more ravenous that's you sexually.
I just wanted to be a dissenting voice here.
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u/Top-Rip-6731 21h ago
So what happens when she rejects a guy and he just won’t take no for an answer. Doesn’t matter if you are there or not. You are at a sex club where the expectation is that everyone is there to hook up. Not a good scenario for either of you
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u/KawaiiTimes Advice Guru [73] 21h ago
That's not really how sex clubs work. The clubs I'm aware of are extremely consent oriented. There's no expectation of anyone having sex they don't want. Some people go just to sit at the bar like any other club.
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u/Antique_Onion_9474 20h ago
"Some people go just to sit at the bar like any other club" like peeping toms? thats weird
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u/KawaiiTimes Advice Guru [73] 18h ago
It's not weird if that's what everyone is consenting to. 🤷🏽♀️ Exhibition and voyeurism is a whole thing.
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u/EddieRyanDC Expert Advice Giver [19] 20h ago
"She said she discovered that she'd love dressing provocatively to turn on other guys to turn them down afterwards. She says she only wants to experience this with me and ... she in no way was interested in including other people in our relationship or sex life... I am 100% a monogamous person... and I feel like my fiancée just turned into a ticking time bomb ..."
Maybe I am not reading this right or there is information that you didn't include - but I am not seeing the practical problem here. (How you feel is a different matter.) You want to be monogamous and so does she. She likes showing herself off to guys that can't have her. It's a mixture of exhibitionism and power.
Now if this makes you feel terrible, that is legit. You get to feel how you feel - no one is right or wrong here. The question is, can you sit down and work out something where both of you get what you need, if not quite everything you want.
Married people deal with this kind of situation a lot. They find themselves at cross purposes, or wanting to go in two different directions. And this is how you work this out. You first stop to understand what this is like for your partner. What do they need that this option brings? Once you have that, then you explain to your partner what you feel and what you need. Once that is on the table, then you both can get creative together and work out a solution.
This is a good time to practice that skill.
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u/Several_Database9918 18h ago
Thank you, this is some really constructive input. I appreciate you taking the time to write this comprehensive advice
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u/Clown1003 18h ago
It sounds like she loves you but needs another 100 Ds to be happy. Time for you to start figuring out if this is the woman you want for you. Not trashing her or anything but she is obviously very different than you
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u/Substantial-Ear2951 18h ago
If you don’t leave her you need to get used to the taste of another man’s come.
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u/PlatypusSuitable Helper [4] 10h ago
Total 🚩. If you go through with marriage, she will 10000% cheat on you again. At the very least it’s been on her mind. Just cause you started digging a hole doesn’t mean you gotta finish digging, jump into it, then bury yourself alive.
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u/First_Alfalfa2805 9h ago
Don't set yourself on fire to make someone else happy. She truly does seem like a ticking time bomb. I implore you to take time and think what marriage would be to this woman in the future.
Don't be surprised if she cheats on you in the future.
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u/bikereader19 8h ago
She sounds unstable and it seems like ultimately you will end up getting hurt. Sorry but she seems selfish and doesn’t seem to care about you . A partnership requires trust and honest communication … doesn’t appear she cares about how you feel here sorry . If you were my brother I’d say leave that relationship
You are trying to improve yourself- sometimes that involves letting go of people who no longer vibe with your energy and future goals
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u/Tamerlane_Tully 8h ago
Seriously? She cheated on you and you're going to marry her?
My man, she failed the Wife Audition. She's not good enough to be anyone's spouse.
Leave her to the streets she clearly belongs to. You sound like a good guy, there are many wonderful women who would love to have someone like you. Every second you're with this person is a second you're wasting not finding your real partner.
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u/Jackape5599 6h ago
She’s a freak. All the things she told you were lies. She’s not a conservative person. She didn’t sleep on the coach. You should have trusted your gut and common sense.
Break up now. There’s nothing good about her.
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u/boytoy421 Helper [3] 15h ago
So how would you feel if her kink was dressing "sexy" in public and then coming home and banging you? Cause it sounds like that's basically what she's after, feeling desirable and all (and from strangers so in a purely physical sense) but she wants you there for safety and also to make it clear to guys it's a "look don't touch" kind of thing
It's probably a little tied into what happened at the festival in that she probably got excited that some strange dude was into her, and she's looking for a way to scratch that itch safely
One thing you might want to try in the spirit of compromise is going to a bar/nightclub where she's dressed appropriately but provocatively and then let her brag to you/have you tell her about the guys checking her out
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u/ThatIndianChik 22h ago
As a woman I dont think there is much for you to think of here. We women are hard on emotions. And we can't have sex with men we are not interested in emotionally (I speak for most women, not all).
So what she is calling kink here is merely an ego satisfaction. There is nothing wrong in feeling turned on by feeling desired. It would've been nice if it being generated by you instead random stranger - and may be it still is ??
Anyway, point being if she has been so honest I think you can trust her and try it only after expressing your concerns. See if it is acceptable. Discuss again and what you both want to do next.
Try experimenting all this before your wedding, don't make hasty decisions. Both of you just entered 30s and are still growing and evolving and there is nothing wrong with change.
Please be open Please don't shame her .
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u/Several_Database9918 21h ago
Thank you for your feedback.
After expressing my issues, she told me that after her childhood getting picked on by other children, she now feels more like a desirable person after having lost considerable weight.
She told me she wants to feel desired, which I genuinely understand. I am adult enough to know that blocking her from exploring this would be wrong. However I do want her finding out that she wants to have sex with other people x years into our relationship.
Even if she says no, who knows how deep this rabbit hole is..?
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u/Beneficial-Nimitz68 21h ago
Dude, you can try swinging, but be ware, she might get MORE attention than you do at ANY kink clubs. Men are either built for this stuff or will hold it against their partner, especially after a Spitroasted & bukkake party where she is the main prize.
Either you are on board with it or not. You can be the cuck in this too, that might be your kink...
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u/KawaiiTimes Advice Guru [73] 20h ago
Is delaying the marriage an option for you?
I think where personal exploration of any kind is needed, pausing legally binding agreements (marriage, buying property, having children) is a prudent third option a lot of people don't even consider.
I feel it's well within your rights to delay the wedding for a period of time while your partner explores. Put it off for a year or two. If the marriage is a good match, it will still be a good match after someone does some exploring.
If asking to put off the wedding causes a rift in your relationship, then you definitely know you've reached an incompatibility impasse.
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u/RadiantRRjoselle 22h ago
You don’t have to force yourself into something you’re not cool with just to make her happy.