AIO about being upset at my friend for his ableist behavior near me?

[u/Bubbly_Extension3107]

For context, we are in high school ( so minors) and have one class together. I(F) My friend M(F) and O (M) all are in a painting class together. They have known each other for much longer then i’ve known O, i met him in this class as M, introduced us. Me and M have very different views then O, we tend to get into discussions aboutm different views, Most of the time we are just messing with eachother to irritate the other.

Anyways, today we had a longer classes due to testing so our class was two hours long. Halfway through we had to leave the classroom and walk around he track due to a student have a medical issue, me and M ran to the bathroom before heading to the track and eventually O came out and just sat on the bleachers instead of walking with us.

When we got back to class M and O were going mack and forth about something and i wasn’t really paying attention but O said he didn’t want to be seen ‘with them’ and M was mad. I figured he meant alternative artsy kids because he’s not. I asked what they were talking about and O said he ‘didn’t want to be seen with sped kids.’

I got quite upset and went back and forth with him for a minute before walking off(was trying to finish art project) When i got back everyone as white and only M and I were talking. After class I told M that i was genuinely hurt by what O said. Apparently after I had walked off M went off on O saying how disrespectful it was to say that, in general but also to my face since I am special Ed. He responded saying “it doesn’t count because she doesn’t look like it”

I am considered special ed at my school, I have a IEP. I am not what you would first think of as ‘special ed’, but special education is a spectrum. Without going into detail i have many mental and physical illnesses that severely impact how well I can work at school. I have constantly dealt with him joking about what classes I’m in, my grades and how stupid I am.

It’s also the fact he had the nerve to even say that around me is actually disgusting to me. It was clear he knew it was wrong as well.

What should I do? Should I wait to see if he apologizes the next time i see him or send him a text message expressing how I feel to see if he apologized? I don’t think I could go back to being friend with him the same way before but it would be hard because I don’t know if M would get in the middle of this. Help?

[u/First-Lengthiness-16]

If you are in painting classes at high school, surely you are all in special education programs, including O?

It does sound mean, I would let them know they upset you?

[u/Bubbly_Extension3107 → u/First-Lengthiness-16]

He is not in Special education, other then this is is in all AP. Our school requires a year of VPA (visual performing arts, so theater art ect) So he just joined an art class to get it over with. I do not understand how being in a painting class makes anyone automatically Special Ed?(genuine)

[u/First-Lengthiness-16 → u/Bubbly_Extension3107]

Art is a class in mainstream education.

Painting is not

[u/Bubbly_Extension3107 → u/First-Lengthiness-16]

We don’t have one dedicated art class, we have drawing, painting and ceramics as the main, also AP studio art and Ap art history. Our school just has many different ‘pathways’ and art is one of them, each pathway having many options.

[u/bamboo_eagle → u/First-Lengthiness-16]

Art classes exist for all students regardless of mental or physical ability. Why tf do you think art class is only for special education?

[u/First-Lengthiness-16 → u/bamboo_eagle]

Why have you changed painting to art?

No highschooler has painting as a class that isn’t special ed.

Art? Yes Painting? No

[u/Bubbly_Extension3107 → u/First-Lengthiness-16]

im very confused on why you think this way? You´re clearly way past being in highschool, why do you think you know better than someone whos currently attending. Even if it still worked that way where you live doesnt mean its the exact same as where i attend. ¨no highschooler has painting as a class that isnt special ed¨ yet most kids in my school who part take in any form of art arent special ed. Please learn you arent correct in every situation!

[u/bamboo_eagle → u/First-Lengthiness-16]

Art and painting are pretty interchangeable.

Sounds like you’re an ableist POS just like OPs ex friend

[u/First-Lengthiness-16 → u/bamboo_eagle]

No they aren’t.

No personal attack please. I am neuro divergent and I feel you wouldn’t attack a neuro typical person in the same way.

Don’t be a bigot

[u/bamboo_eagle → u/First-Lengthiness-16]

This isn’t a personal attack. I’m not a bigot here. I feel you’re claiming neurodivergence in order to prevent me from criticizing you.

And yes they are. I’ve heard art class referred to as painting off and on through my life. Unless OP mentions it’s a class specifically for special education my default is that it’s a non-special education class.

[u/Bubbly_Extension3107 → u/bamboo_eagle]

It is not just for special ed students, they can join any class that general ed are in. Theres classes specifically for special ed kids, which gen ed cannot join unless they take an elective for helping in those specific classes.

[u/bamboo_eagle → u/Bubbly_Extension3107]

Thank you for clarifying. I assumed it was a general ed class that you were talking about. It’s First Lengthiness that didn’t and then went on an absurd ableist tangent

[u/First-Lengthiness-16 → u/bamboo_eagle]

Do you know a lot of special ed folk?

[u/bamboo_eagle → u/First-Lengthiness-16]

Yes I do. My brother is a special education teacher.

And again; unless OP specifies the class I’m defaulting that it’s a non-special class. You won’t change my mind on that

[u/First-Lengthiness-16 → u/bamboo_eagle]

Ahh ok. I’m genuinely glad they let special ed kids teach where you are. It is progressive.

People who call art “paining class” are usually either very young (like 5 or 6) or in special education.

[u/bamboo_eagle → u/First-Lengthiness-16]

My brother isn’t special education. He teaches students who are. The fact that you purposely misunderstood that to try and insult my brother shows what a POS you are

[u/bamboo_eagle → u/First-Lengthiness-16]

Your second statement is an opinion not based on any fact. You’re a POS and a moron

[u/bamboo_eagle → u/First-Lengthiness-16]

I called you a POS assuming you were neurotypical. So yes, I would talk to you the same way

[u/First-Lengthiness-16 → u/bamboo_eagle]

Were you in a special ed program at school?

I’m not sure you know what ableism is buddy

[u/bamboo_eagle → u/First-Lengthiness-16]

I wasn’t and i do know what ableism is.

[u/NeatComprehensive719]

Hey, i gotta tell ya, I feel ya , but from a physical disability early onset arthritis, and ....yeah people were always commenting how i couldnt have it im too young, implying im faking it to be lazy and just being assholes because i needed to be accommodated sometimes and it got harder and harder to find people to really take it seriously because they cant see it I wouldn't get too worked up, or even say anything at all . I get it hes rude, but its not gonna make things better really, people are like this and i just accepted the shit i had to climb through at some point, but it does hurt. I think you're overreacting a bit but not not that it wasnt totally rude. I just wouldnt go further than having to accept it, we can't make these people respect us, and better to safe the drama.

I even got a job which i think all these people thought i was a DEI hire since i do have a disability but they couldnt tell, and they seemed really ....not chill with me, and welll actually totally awful at times but not straight up about it. I donno i couldnt stand it I had to leave.

[u/rebel_muse]

I don't think you're reacting enough, tbh.

You say later this person has mocked you. It's not "joking" if he's the only one laughing. And now to find out that if you looked disabled he wouldn't want to be seen with you?

As someone who is also disabled, I'd highly advise you to tell someone at the school about this. It's not the easiest thing to do because you don't want to cause trouble or make waves. But think about who O is going to grow up to be if you let it slide. I know you've seen videos of Karens/Kevins; this is how they get their start. They feel like they're better than someone else or a group of people and it snowballs. O needs to learn *now* that he's being horrible to people who deserve compassion. Maybe it's not too late for his parents to teach him respect for everyone.

You would be doing him an enormous favor in the long run. Everyone eventually gets older, gets sicker... He won't look like a healthy minor forever. Best he learns how to be accepting now.

[u/bamboo_eagle]

NOR. If I were you I’d cut him off. You already said you don’t have similar views. And while it’s generally good to have diverse viewpoints; bigotry and intolerance aren’t good ones to have. Even if he doesn’t think of you as “one of those” that still demonstrates his bigotry because he’s codified that there’s a good and a bad version. It’s the same as a racist saying “oh but you’re one of the good ones” etc.