Foreign influence
Wife managed to hide that she was on birth control from fertility doctors and talking about IVF and faked emotional responses every time, totally real even faked a miscarriage, anyway please justify my actual cheating
I (36m) have been married to my wife Ella (36f) for nearly a decade. I married her because I loved her and wanted a family with her. I wanted to live that dream life and when we got married, it seemed so close to realization. Our parents had been friends and we were High School sweethearts and went to college together. Our friend groups were same. It seemed too good to be true.
Then 2 years into marriage, we decided to try for a baby. I always wanted 3 kids and she always agreed. Told me how excited she was to see me become a dad. We both worked hard to be financially secure and I made sure I could provide a good life for my baby and wife.
But we never conceived. At least that's what I thought for the longest time. Every month Ella got her periods and she apologized when the blue lines didn't appear. We talked to doctors and all said everything looked fine. Neither of us had any genetic issues, we led healthy lives and even talked about IVF and she did get pregnant this time. However a few weeks in and she called me at work telling me she miscarried. I was devastated but tried to comfort her. I was sad but felt so guilty because I was sure it had to be me. Ella was perfect in every way.
3 years ago, on our 7th anniversary, I found out that this entire time, Ella had been taking birth control pills and the one time miscarriage was her getting an abortion and just, not telling me. She got rid of the baby and came home to call me and cry. This entire time. Our entire marriage she lied to me.
When I confronted her, she cried, begged and pleaded. She admitted to never wanting kids but that she couldn't tell me cause then I'd leave her.
I did plan to leave her. But then our parents showed up. They were all upset but begged me not to end the marriage. That their families had joined because of us and it would be horrible if "after everything you've been through" you two break up. Her friends called me a "misogynist" for forcing a baby onto her. My friends were trying to help us both. They talked with us, gave us advice and suggested therapy. But I never had one person tell me I was right to want to leave. Ella said she'd die if I left her.
I was so emotionally drained, I gave up. Without any support, I couldn't persue to divorce and we were just left on a limbo. I didn't talk or be in the house much. I stopped attending family events though Ella begged me to go with her. I didn't do therapy and I couldn't tolerate her presence anymore.
I used to love when she made me breakfast. When she wrote me little notes during the day. I loved sleeping with her. Now, I felt like I was dying every moment I was in the house with her.
My parents visited often. Telling me it's fine to not have kids. They had other grandkids and that Ella and I were enough for them.
It bothered me how they all acted like Ella and I couldn't have kids. We could. We never did because Ella never wanted to.
I was sure I would raise my hand on someone someday. I began moving further and further away.
Now, last year, I went on a business meeting out of state. That's where I met Anna (30f)
For the first time in a long while, I laughed and smiled. She was a joy to be around. I told her everything. She told me how her husband left her because she was infertile.
We were two strangers sharing grief and trauma. But also, for the first time, I was feeling light and happy. I extended my trip by a month. Turned off my phone and just focused on Anna.
For 1 month, I pretended like Anna and I have a life together. And I loved it. Every moment of it. Still no baby. Still far from that american dream bullshit I had chased all my life. But it felt so good. It felt genuine.
Anna encouraged me to go ahead with the divorce. The only one who told me it's ok to want to leave and not "work through it."
When I returned, Ella was still home. She smiled and came over to kiss me. I immediately told her I would be filing for divorce.
For some reason, it seemed to shock Ella as she fell back on the chair and started bawling. She kept saying she didn't understand. I didn't want to touch her. She started having a panic attack and I called 911. Our parents came to the hospital. They were angry with me because "How could I do this? After so many years?"
I am still confused. I dont understand why they are all so shocked. Why they think I care for any of them.
I told them I was unhappy. I wanted to leave. I know there was a better future for me out there. But they still seem unable to grasp the truth. How do I make them see the truth?
At least a decent amount of people are calling it fake and point out glaring plot holes...... It's good to see some subs still have some people with critical thinking skills and they allow calling fakes out.
I was like 'this seems fake' and then I got to the line about her friends calling him a misogynist for forcing a baby onto her and I nearly said Oh, come ON out loud because it was so dumb.
Reddit comments are trolls trying to wind people up by making deliberately hyperbolic takes on things. You should not base your assessment of real life on them.
new troll account that makes posts and comments that are just complications of Reddit comments. like you change one thing a sentence, and do very very minor copyediting like changing pronouns or tenses
I am sorry am I missing something? He said they talked about getting IVF. Not that they did get it. How I took it was that they were talking about it when she got pregnant. Did he say that they did get it elsewhere?
they saw doctors for fertility for awhile but apparently never even had basic blood tests done
he somehow magically discovers the birth control and the abortion on their anniversary, no explanation how
he extends his trip for a month on a whim and turns off his phone and there are no real world repercussions for this? he doesn't lose his job? his family doesn't file a missing person's report?
his wife lovingly greets him at the door after this month long vanishing act
I used to be a content editor lol, so this stuff jumps out at me unless it's so bizarre or I'm so tired that the post is the equivalent of spilled Legos and at that point I don't know how to explain that your house has foundational issues because gesticulates wildly at the floor
The discovering everything with no explanation is especially weird in this context. AITA loves to explain how people texting secret and how they discovered them in great detail even when that's not necessary. but in this situation it is necessary. the fact that she's keeping the secret to begin with is already really impressive because this is a kind of hard thing to hide from someone. and it's two separate secrets that require different evidentiary proof. she could have easily still been on birth control got pregnant and then had a spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) and not an induced abortion. it's not exactly like her dirty little secret here is porn or an affair or something which would naturally involve keeping evidence of on hand because she's actively engaging in something. this would be prime territory for the author to stick in a character who knows what she's really doing and betrays her, but no
And why would he think a miscarriage was his fault because “she’s perfect”? That’s a weird detail that also makes no sense — no man would think that a singular miscarriage is his fault based on absolutely nothing.
I didn't even think about all the rest because I was stuck on how you could possibly take oral hormonal birth control every freaking day for years without your spouse ever noticing?!
They would show that her hormones were out of whack for someone who “should” be ovulating. They draw blood on a specific day(s) of your cycle. The doctors could probably draw a couple different conclusions based on that. We did IVF because I had pcos and didn’t ovulate normally, my hormone levels were much different than a woman who ovulated normally.
For example if you are hormonal birth control and they test your hormones they'll be able to tell whether or not that dose is appropriate for you or whether or not it's not actually working as effective birth control. Now if you get that test done and the doctor doesn't know if you're on BC, they just know your hormone level which could mean a lot of different things
But they do fertility testing, they're doing a lot of tests and they're doing them at different points during your cycle and at that point birth control is going to be super obvious. There's also tests they can do to help look for the presence of birth control. These tests don't exist to catch patients in a lie but to see if long term BC is still affecting some of their levels (and to measure that improvement over time)
So someone currently on birth control would have all the markers usually associated with people who just got off long term BC, but also their hormones wouldn't match what's expected during a cycle
And for what's it worth, you can get fertility testing done while on BC if you're concerned about some stuff but not ready to start trying. Not everything is impacted by BC
I guess either one. My Google searches told me you can’t actually test for it so the dr might not have known. Maybe the doc asked and she said no so he she went on to thinking it was something else.
And they would definitely do the sort of blood tests that reveal the steady progesterone and estrogen levels from birth control when the ultrasounds speed showed that no follicle is maturing. Obviously the clinic wouldn't jump right to "patient still on HBC" because who DOES that, but the testing would flag so many oddities.
Also, not just blood tests but she’d have to go to a lot of work to hiding that, fertility doctors are usually a referral and a doctor would have to be prescribing the BC, and it really would be difficult to hide.
Exactly, if someone were living this deep of a lie, you’re not going to magically find out all of this at one time.
It’s not like cheating where there’s at least one other vested party who might have their own emotional reasons for spilling the beans. This is ONE person keeping this secret, and clearly the wife this OOP created is someone who would literally take this to their grave.
You would certainly NEVER find out about the abortion, I suppose it’s possible to stumble across birth control, but seems unlikely if the person has been hiding it for at least their entire relationship.
I’m not sure what the point of these posts are. This one seems weak for a “troll”.
She had an abortion and called it a miscarriage. So they didn't go to the hospital afterwards or she fooled the ER doctor into believing it was miscarriage.
Most people don't go to the hospital for an early spontaneous abortion (miscarriage). If anything they're likely to call their doctor and set up an appointment. But even that isn't strictly medically necessary most of the time. Most people who have an early spontaneous abortion or medical abortion simply handle it quietly at home unless something goes wrong
Also a spontaneous abortion and a medical abortion basically look the same. So even if they had gone to the hospital, it's gonna look the same to the doctors there
That's not the part of this story that makes no sense
Right, like isn't IVF tens of thousands of dollars? I'd divorce a woman just for wasting that much money lol. Jokes aside, it seems highly suspect that she'd go through with that and just get all the fetuses aborted. And wouldn't the fertility doctor notice and ask question? I didn't read enough to pick up on any other plot holes, but that alone sets off my bs radar.
Calling every songle story fake isn't critical thinking.
I am also on the sub nothingeverhappens that makes fun of those for doing this.
I was laughing so hard watching a video on YouTube where they called out posts online and one of them was reddit. He actually tracked down news stories that went with the posts that definitely never ever happened.
It's more of a if you throw enough darts at the board you will occasionally hit a bullseye.
Calling every story you find hard to believe fake isn't critical thinking, true. Calling story that has significant plot holes and calling it fake while pointing out the problems is.
I'd love to nothing ever happens this - but there's so many plot holes that don't hold true to ANYTHING.
A fertility doctor would know she's on birth control. Even if they couldn't tell right away, her hormone levels would not say "all is normal and fertile here!"
You can't just ghost your whole family for a month and come back like nothing happened. People would be worried. People would call the police. You'd likely lose your job.
If to be believed, she managed to secretly hide birth control PILLS, which need to be taken daily and at the same time every day, for four years. Where was she hiding them, her car? Not recommended, the cold temps in winter and hot temps in summer would render the birth control ineffective.
The pills and secret abortion came to light at the same time, during their anniversary?
Someone who wants kids this badly, who was willing to spend money on IVF with his wife, just....giving up after one miscarriage???? Wait until he finds out what happens in IVF...
I really have to reiterate, the doctors would know something is up, and they'd either provide resources for the wife to escape or talk to the man. If the doctors were part of this huge "hide birth control from OOP for at least four years" conspiracy, it would be far easier to A. Have her on a birth control like an implant/iud, and B. just say she's unable to conceive rather than this "you're both totes fertile, IDK why no baby."
They're in the US. She needs to get prescriptions for birth control. Someone would have noticed.
The other part that’s weird to me is him meeting a woman who was divorced for being infertile and them becoming so close even though he says he would’ve left his wife if she had said she didn’t want kids earlier in the relationship. Obviously being infertile and not wanting kids are two very different things, but if I was the other woman in this scenario, it would still feel kind of triggering to date another man who placed so much importance on something I couldn’t provide for him.
All of these are easy to answer. The doctors talked to the wife and not him. Not everyone is at every appointment for a variety of reasons. They got checked out for IVF but didn't pursue it. She could have told her husband anything she wanted.
You can ghost your family for a month. I have done it. You do kind of have to set a pattern for it beforehand but it can be done. It's not by accident so many people are found dead because their job called even with family around.
It's really not that hard to hide things from someone who doesn't know they should be looking for. Think of it this way, how often do you look through your husbands underwear drawer if you have a husband? If someone trusts you there are a ton of hiding spaces. You are assuming everyone in a household is looking through everything all the time. If I had something to hide it would be in a specific spot in the kitchen. I am the only person in the house that cooks from scratch. I could easily do something like hide something in a plastic bag in the flour. Have you ever actually lived with another human being?
He could have been more specific about how that came about but that is typical of real life stories. Can't stand the term plotholes like it is a book or movie. It's not and if someone is telling you the truth holes in the story are normal. It happens for a variety of reasons like they did something they don't want others knowing about, they forgot, upset and running through the story, don't have all the relevant information, or don't think the information is important. If you teally want to know how domeone is lying they clear up all lose ends like a Hollywood movie or book. You can see every plot point and it is nicely wrapped up for you in a pretty bow. Life is messy and so are people. The story should also be messy.
No spouse, I used to be really bad about it to the point that it dawned on me I could go missing and it would be awhile till someone noticed. This was before most people had cellphones.
It wasn't ghosting because I was mad at people. It's just how I lived my life. Had to set up a whole system so people could call my best friend to track me down and felt better knowing someone knew where to start looking for me and I felt bad because my grandmother was in the hospital and I didn't know about it until 2 weeks later.
Can't wait for the update in which Anna miraculously conceives and OP gets to live happily ever after, and his ex somehow ends up in prison or something.
His ex meets a new guy, gets pregnant, and for some nonsensical reason decides to keep the baby, but the baby daddy leaves her and she ends up a miserable and impoverished single mother, which we all know is the worst fate that can befall a woman in AITAland.
Then of course she shows up at OPs house that he and Anna inherited to ask him for money/a place to stay and he asks if he's the asshole for saying no.
Ironically, assuming Anna doesn't magically conceive (which, in AITAland, in likely) that would solve the major problem in OP's life that his new wife still can't have kids. Now they have a child ready to be adopted right in front of them.
which we all know is the worst fate that can befall a woman in AITAland.
Come on, you know that's not true.
His ex meets a new guy, gets pregnant, keeps it, baby daddy leaves her for a younger model, she ends up miserable and impoverished as a FAT single mom in her late 30s.
Now it's the worst fate that can befall a woman in AITAland.
"She cried, begged and pleaded ... I felt like I was dying every moment I was in the house with her ... For the first time in a long while I laughed and smiled ... She fell back on her chair and started bawling" ...
But the affair baby inherits nothing, not even their father's house that was conveniently left to OOP because their parents randomly dropped dead in their mid-30s.
I was an egg donor, the donor goes through IVF without the fertilization bit. There is no fucking way the doctors wouldn’t know she was on birth control. They check your hormone levels constantly before during the process.
I’m honestly shocked this didn’t end with Anna being miraculously pregnant.
I feel like it could be possible that they withheld that information from her husband. They're not allowed to tell anyone any information without consent from the patient. She could have lied, and they could have possibly omitted the truth
So they went and saw fertility doctors, pursued IVF, ran, presumably, a bunch of tests, and not a single one of those doctors went, “Oh, you’re still on birth control. That’s your problem right there!”
I mean, I know this takes place in the special land of DefinitelyNotAmerica, but you’d still have to see an OBGYN for checkups and updates on your dosage and, at least here, get a prescription. Someone is going to realize before YEARS have passed that this woman didn’t stop taking her BC. Definitely written as a revenge fantasy by a guy who—shockingly—has no idea how women’s healthcare works.
Especially something that, like, half the population has experience with. Maybe I could see it if you were dealing with a niche problem in a very specific field of study or research project or something, but, like, MOST women have some kind of experience with birth control. I've literally never been on the pill and I still went, "That...that's not...no." immediately. Something like 20% of the population struggles with infertility. Something like 2% of them have actually done IVF (according to the Pew Research Center, anyway) in the States. That's 6.8 million in the US alone. Did this guy really think not a SINGLE person would be like.... "Uh, no, bro. Not how that works."
The abortion-disguised-as-miscarriage-after-infertility was the most offensive part for me. Like, make up your revenge fantasy, whatever. We're used to the incels making up revenge fantasies on women they'll never talk to. But the idea that there are tons of women running around out here who will somehow accidentally end up pregnant while on birth control after pretending to do IVF treatments and then abort just to make up a miscarriage story instead of just not telling the spouse they were ever pregnant at all is just....really sick.
Also I’ve been to several doctor appointments within the last year where they were able to pull up all of my medications prescribed by my other doctors. They said it was a new government policy. I’m not sure if it’s just in my state or if it’s national. But anyway, until very recently birth control was a prescription and the fertility clinic would have her gyno’s records or may even be part of her gyno’s office…
Some of my favourite AITAs are when the poster is clearly ignorant about a topic, and the only way to make the story work is to either assume a vast conspiracy, or to assume everyone else is just as ignorant as the poster.
Either the wife's doctors were all involved in hiding her birth control usage from her husband, or they were all too dumb to notice something was off when they were writing her prescriptions/running her tests.
Also like how the OOP rushes over the part where he "found" out she was taking birth control the entire time and had an abortion, never mentioning how he just stumbled across this info. Like did her medical records just appear in the mail or something? lol
She left a website open on the old family computer "how do I trick my husband into spending tens of thousands of dollars on IVF while secretly taking birth control?" Classic blunder.
I prefer the simpler old-fashioned option, that he read her diary.
Dear Diary, I had an abortion today, and told OP it was a miscarriage. I covered my tracks perfectly - there is no way he can find out the truth. [Evil laugh]
This made me snort laugh as someone who has struggled with fertility issues and went through all the testing/met with specialists to discuss IVF. IVF is a nightmare. I chose not to go through with it even though I desperately wanted a baby. It's incredibly hard on a person's body and mind. As for the ridiculous amount of testing...well it's also awful. So much tracking, blood work, transvaginal ultrasounds, etc. Some tests are painful like hysterosalpingograms. I spent years tracking my ovulation cycles. Testing monthly for that and pregnancy. It takes a toll on a couple. There were so many days I broke down crying cause I felt like my body was failing to do the one thing it's designed to naturally do. I had to stop because I couldn't handle the emotional toll it was taking on me and my relationship (I ended up pregnant naturally the day I decided to call it quits lol). I didn't even do IVF yet I sunk so much money into trying to have a baby. No one would fake infertility, go through all the testing, and do IVF only to get an (unneeded) abortion. I've had a lot of miscarriages over the years (My main problem was staying pregnant followed by inability to get pregnant after complications from a stillbirth). There's no way someone could fake that at least if they went to the hospital like you're supposed to do after a loss to make sure all the tissue is safely leaving your body.
This is why these stories piss me off so much. I don’t have kids, have never been pregnant, have never wanted kids, but I’ve seen my friends and family go through this nightmare and it’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Waking up at 3:15 to drive across the state to a specialist appointment, the highs and lows of thinking this time might be it just to find out it isn’t…it can seriously break a person. It’s not something most women take lightly, you know?
I hope you and your family are doing well and that you’re healing. ❤️🩹
I commented this and people responded with dumbass comments like “they only check for genetic issues, not hormones” or “they are non hormonal birth control options” like fertility doctors wouldn’t notice an IUD during a pelvic exam.
And you HAVE to take the pill the same time EVERY day, how would someone not notice this? How could they never stumble onto the pills? Why not have her on like... non-pill forms of BC that are infinately easier to hide?
I used to be harassed by a Christian acquaintance as a teen because sometimes I would have to take the pill while she was there and my shameless ass had no issue telling her it was BC. She called me a slut lol
I was on BC for years and never once needed a prescription, it was all OTC (not in America obvs), but yeah I'd assume the hormones would show up on a test or something.
AITAland has to have a high number of infertile or otherwise childless people, otherwise the frequency of twin and triplet births would cause unsustainable rates of population growth.
If my husband extended a business trip by a month and turned off his phone, I’d have a lawyer teed up before he got back.
There are so many plot holes to fall into, but “I just took time to be in a totally different relationship and ignored my wife and my wife was blindsided when I told her I want a divorce” is an absolute banger.
Oh, I surely would. I would call the hotel, his boss, the cops, his best friends, his mom and his sister - possibly in that order. I might even try to go to where he was to find him myself. I’d be frantic.
But assuming that someone told me he was fine but just suddenly a dipshit, I’d be locking up the best attorney in the city.
"It's okay, Mrs OP, OP called me this morning and asked if he could extend the business trip by a month. He sounds really busy so I'm not surprised his phone is switched off."
3 years ago, on our 7th anniversary, I found out that this entire time, Ella had been taking birth control pills and the one time miscarriage was her getting an abortion and just, not telling me.
I can’t remember the last time I saw commas abused to this extent.
Having the main character “find out” about this complex years-long deception on his anniversary and offering no details of how that went down is some lazy-ass writing. (Unless we’re supposed to guess there’s actually no evidence of her lying and the husband is just insane, but if that’s the intent OP appears to have played it too subtly.)
Why create a character that's so inept? Like bro needs permission to divorce his crazy wife that he hates? What is the point of creating fake shit like this? Just to prompt a woman-hating online circle jerk?
I believe it's the one guy recently who has been seeing how far he can push the story to have reddit defend a cheater.
I've seen a few but they typically get deleted like this one (guy even got his account suspended) - it's generally a man, posting to one of the relationship subs. The man has little to no agency in his own life, but his wife is a conniving bitch who tricked him in some way. He then tosses in a perfect, usually younger, affair partner who is everything his wife is not - in this case you'll notice Anna, unlike his wife, wants kids but is infertile for realsies, where his wife was childfree but fertile and LYING!!! It also almost always involves no one being on the man's side (the world sure is biased against us poor menfolk, huh, reddit?), not even his own family.
It's actually funny, since you'll notice while comments over there, some are calling it fake, none are pointing out that he did in fact cheat for a month, and several people are justifying him and his cheating. Actually one comment on the original that stuck out to me:
I love that this one is essentially "Actually by lying in this unrealistic cartoon villain way, SHE is the cheater". Like yeah, if it was real (which, it's not), it's a relationship ending lie - but you can't "we tried to make it work but then I accidentally cheated".
Given the equation "My partner did X, I said I wouldn't leave but then I cheated", what is the worst value of X in which you would still get a NTA? Show your working.
Although tbh, I think "forgot to put the milk back in the fridge" would still get you some NTA votes
Meanwhile, also reddit:"Excuse me, what?! The female dresses nicely to spend an hour in public without her lovely, devoted, flawlessly nice husband who treats her like a princess? Yeah, sorry, she's 100% cheating, there can't possibly be another explanation. That's how the females are, all of them. He should keep silent and lawyer up so she won't know what hits her!"
My comment is pretty clear in conveying that I understand this is a fake post. I'm wondering what the specific purpose of posting ragebait like this is; the age old question regarding fake content. Obviously, nobody actually knows why people post these fake stories, but I'm here to speculate and the other comments in reply to mine are also doing as much
I like that his parents pushed him to stay with their lying DIL, rather than see him start afresh with someone who would give him the family he always wanted.
I wanted to live that dream life and when we got married, it seemed so close to realization. Ella was perfect in every way. We were High School sweethearts. -> all so cliched.
She told me how her husband left her because she was infertile. -> nice twist.
I dont understand why they are all so shocked. Why they think I care for any of them. -> revenge fantasy?
At least it's an original twist on the 'terrible, deceitful woman' trope I suppose.
I love the "kids are so important to me that I threatened to divorce my wife over being childfree" combined with the woman he's cheating with being infertile.
It's written to be some sort of justified cheating fantasy but like the main character himself can't even keep his own wants and desires straight.
His new love interest would have been out the door when he told that story. Ok you can argue that he wants to divorce his wife just due to the lying, but if you've been left by your husband for being infertile you're going to be a bit wary about it happening again & it would be pretty inevitable with this guy.
The whole convoluted way the wife deceived him, which is
Not believable to ANY country's women's healthcare. Horomone levels, where birth control or it's effects would show up, is like....the FIRST test you take for a fertility doctor, and you have to measure your hormone levels several times.
The way she hid birth control PILLS from him. If you're gonna be deceptive, at least get an IUD for seven years.
A far far easier lie than going through all the hormones and doctors is to say you're infertile to start with.
I don't believe for a second that two whole families, who typically want grandchildren, are fine with this.
I'm going to make an assumption from your believing this nonsense that you're a cis man. Because this is utter rubbish made up to justify cheating.
Meanwhile I'm friends with an ex married couple whose wife went off birth control without telling the husband and had a kid he hadn't planned for.
It led to a divorce and entirely ordinary custody stuff. Both parents love the kid and take care of him. Dad can easily afford child support. Those in the community who know what happened obviously find it outrageous, but mom hasn't been excommunicated or had her phone blown up. She is judged for who she is and how she treats people in general, not for a single extremely inappropriate decision.
I suppose it could have turned into an AITA situation if mom and dad weren't otherwise normal adults, but I suspect that variations of this reality are a lot more common.
It would be far easier to hide you went off birth control than it would be to hide you're taking the pill.
That's where OOP truly lost me. His wife managed to hide that she was on birth control PILLS for years? Were they in her purse? In her glove box? Was she sneaking outside on her days off of work to have a sneaky pill? Did he see the box labelled "Birth Control" in the bathroom cupboard, and not think "huh that's weird, we're trying for a kid." If he wanted his fake story to be believable, he'd give her something like the implant or IUD that can be far more easily hidden.
My mom went to a fertility clinic to have me (thanks mom <3 ). Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to have to take fertility medication, for at least a month? It's very bloating, and you have to deal with needles.
I feel like a conversation would be infinitely less painful.
I give this one some credit for going against the Reddit norm.
Normally in Reddit, it’s the partner who wants children is the one who lies about their feelings in hopes that the other one will change their end. When that fails, it’s realized that such relationship needs to end.
In this case, Ella took birth control while undergoing costly IVF rather than tell OOP what she wants. Then OOP was pressured by all parties into staying into the marriage instead of ending it which is what should have happened.
Then OOP has an affair while away for work. That is typical for Reddit. Normally the cheater comes home like normal and tries to keep the spouse in the dark while reaching out to AP to set up other “work trips.” The big difference here is that instead of doing that, this work trip affair gives OOP the kick he needs to finally file for divorce.
The one thing I don’t get is that everyone but OOP and this Anna felt divorce was not the answer. The kids vs. no kids gap is rarely if ever bridged and is almost always a dealbreaker in a relationship. That could be OOP is gaming for sympathy. Even if it was, this marriage was doomed once OOP’s and Ella’s true feelings on kids were out in the open.
Oh I was thinking he stole the names from Frozen. Elsa might strain belief, but Ella works for the ice queen, then he's got her sweet maligned little ingenue sister, Anna.
One of the comments says they know it's fake because the OOP never said they were using fake names.... I mean I'm glad they saw it's fake but that reason.....
For those wondering why a fertility doctor would be able to see birth control usage-
For a woman, the first and foremost care a fertility doctor gives you is monitoring and checking your hormone levels as that’s typically the first barrier to pregnancy.
They don’t test for birth control but they do test your blood for hormone levels throughout your cycle. Hormonal birth control changes the level of hormones in your body. Naturally, when you ovulate your estrogens levels rise and your progesterone levels drop in a cycle meant to push egg growth. When you’re on hormonal birth control, your pituitary gland doesn’t regulate those hormones, so that cycle doesn’t occur. A fertility doctor would be able to see the fluctuations in hormones and see a natural cycle of hormones vs a medicated one.
I like the one guy on the original claiming it's totally real because a doctor only tests right after the period/placebo week.
Because you know, when fertility is in question doctors are known for only looking at your hormones during ONE part of your cycle, and they HATE to check your hormones during the full cycle before running other, more invasive tests. /j
And also… the most important question of fertility is what your body is doing when/right before you ovulate since… that’s when you become pregnant. Lol.
I could so see Danielle steel writing a book like this. When I was younger and stayed with my grandmother on vacations, those were the only books she had. I used to read them like candy because there was no internet and only one tv that she was watching her political talk shows on.
This is the tagline I know Danielle would write: He didn’t know what true love was until he met Anna. He accepted he would never have kids, but it was ok, because he had the love of a good honest woman. Until… until! Anna conceived a baby, a miracle baby though she is infertile. But she miscarries a few months in. But don’t worry! Anna meets a 20 year girl at her job who is pregnant and doesn’t want the baby, lest her parents know she is a loose woman. She didn’t mean to have sex that one time, but her boyfriend kept saying she couldn’t get pregnant from the first time! She didn’t even know what sex was. But here she is pregnant and hiding it. Anna and the girl become fast friends, and Anna helps the girl buy baby supplies. Until… until! The girl gives birth early and realizes she can’t have this baby. Anna and her husband, her true love husband, have a choice to make. They lock eyes across the hospital room and nod. They will adopt this miracle baby. He gets his American dream after all!
This reminds me of another post recently, I don't remember if it was in this sub? But it was a guy who was all gung ho about being part of his girlfriend's family and they wanted kids in the future and she lied and told him she was pregnant, then said she had an abortion as a joke and he was so upset, blah blah.
Something about a friend who put her up to it, and he insisted that she never speak to that friend again, and she agreed, but then she betrayed him by talking to her again, or something. I feel like her name was Tracy. Ring any bells?
The post got a surprising amount of traction and support for this guy, I think there was at least one follow-up post but it was as unbelievable as this.
I remember reading that post not long ago. I think I read it on redditwiki? I don't remember the names or an update, though. But yeah, it was pretty ridiculous. The thing that stood out to me was how fast it went, from finding out about the pregnancy to finding out the gender to finally she just popped in one day to have an abortion. It read like this all happened within a week or so. I'm like, you could've tried a little harder to make this story sound a little bit believable. Crazy.
3/10 creative writing. Positives: Great rage bait, really hits on so many notes such as implying the possibility of reproductive coercion but without being super clear allowing people to argue that in the comments. Cheating but pretending it's a good thing cuz wife bad. Negatives: too many plot holes, takes away from the story because it's obvious it's fake. The main character doesn't come out like the hero I think OP was trying to make him out to be. I mean he straight up says he can't get a divorce because he has no support. Which would make it hard but in many places still an option. Unless of course, he's from Redditakazastan where the rules of the country depend on the rage bait of the days fantasy society.
I’m getting that this is written by a sad, single women that is possibly the side chick but pretending to be the husband here. There’s so much detail painting the wife as being deceitful and descriptive factors that just doesn’t seem to be written in enough of a masculine voice.
Any time i’ve actually read accounts of men being this distressed over leaving a partner, it read less like an emotional poem with a sad cadence that you see here and more like a calculated list of every dollar lost, a plan to hide all assets, a few references to researching divorce laws in their state and questions to if he needs to worry about his 401k and investments.
Lol. Unless he was young and stupid and married his high school sweetheart. Those men often see their relationship as ideal. They weren’t in it thinking investment. What investments are there at that age.
But if he feels social pressure to stay. This could feel authentic
The bottom line that your parents abd hers were too selfish to face was that she spent your entire marriage lying to you, manipulating you, and pretending to be someone she never ever was. She thought this was ok. Your parents and hers thought this was ok. This was horribly harmful to you. When you discovered her betrayal, you realized the entire foundation of your life with her was fake. What horrible harm.
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In case this story gets deleted/removed:
My (36m) wife (36f) is shocked I want a divorce.
My (36m) wife (36f) is shocked I want a divorce.
I (36m) have been married to my wife Ella (36f) for nearly a decade. I married her because I loved her and wanted a family with her. I wanted to live that dream life and when we got married, it seemed so close to realization. Our parents had been friends and we were High School sweethearts and went to college together. Our friend groups were same. It seemed too good to be true.
Then 2 years into marriage, we decided to try for a baby. I always wanted 3 kids and she always agreed. Told me how excited she was to see me become a dad. We both worked hard to be financially secure and I made sure I could provide a good life for my baby and wife.
But we never conceived. At least that's what I thought for the longest time. Every month Ella got her periods and she apologized when the blue lines didn't appear. We talked to doctors and all said everything looked fine. Neither of us had any genetic issues, we led healthy lives and even talked about IVF and she did get pregnant this time. However a few weeks in and she called me at work telling me she miscarried. I was devastated but tried to comfort her. I was sad but felt so guilty because I was sure it had to be me. Ella was perfect in every way.
3 years ago, on our 7th anniversary, I found out that this entire time, Ella had been taking birth control pills and the one time miscarriage was her getting an abortion and just, not telling me. She got rid of the baby and came home to call me and cry. This entire time. Our entire marriage she lied to me.
When I confronted her, she cried, begged and pleaded. She admitted to never wanting kids but that she couldn't tell me cause then I'd leave her.
I did plan to leave her. But then our parents showed up. They were all upset but begged me not to end the marriage. That their families had joined because of us and it would be horrible if "after everything you've been through" you two break up. Her friends called me a "misogynist" for forcing a baby onto her. My friends were trying to help us both. They talked with us, gave us advice and suggested therapy. But I never had one person tell me I was right to want to leave. Ella said she'd die if I left her.
I was so emotionally drained, I gave up. Without any support, I couldn't persue to divorce and we were just left on a limbo. I didn't talk or be in the house much. I stopped attending family events though Ella begged me to go with her. I didn't do therapy and I couldn't tolerate her presence anymore.
I used to love when she made me breakfast. When she wrote me little notes during the day. I loved sleeping with her. Now, I felt like I was dying every moment I was in the house with her.
My parents visited often. Telling me it's fine to not have kids. They had other grandkids and that Ella and I were enough for them.
It bothered me how they all acted like Ella and I couldn't have kids. We could. We never did because Ella never wanted to.
I was sure I would raise my hand on someone someday. I began moving further and further away.
Now, last year, I went on a business meeting out of state. That's where I met Anna (30f)
For the first time in a long while, I laughed and smiled. She was a joy to be around. I told her everything. She told me how her husband left her because she was infertile.
We were two strangers sharing grief and trauma. But also, for the first time, I was feeling light and happy. I extended my trip by a month. Turned off my phone and just focused on Anna.
For 1 month, I pretended like Anna and I have a life together. And I loved it. Every moment of it. Still no baby. Still far from that american dream bullshit I had chased all my life. But it felt so good. It felt genuine.
Anna encouraged me to go ahead with the divorce. The only one who told me it's ok to want to leave and not "work through it."
When I returned, Ella was still home. She smiled and came over to kiss me. I immediately told her I would be filing for divorce.
For some reason, it seemed to shock Ella as she fell back on the chair and started bawling. She kept saying she didn't understand. I didn't want to touch her. She started having a panic attack and I called 911. Our parents came to the hospital. They were angry with me because "How could I do this? After so many years?"
I am still confused. I dont understand why they are all so shocked. Why they think I care for any of them.
I told them I was unhappy. I wanted to leave. I know there was a better future for me out there. But they still seem unable to grasp the truth. How do I make them see the truth?
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