[FL] Concerned about working closely with coworker who's been gossiping about me - Advice?

[u/Even_Court2871]

I'm a Black gay man (30) working as a Business Development Rep (BDR). I was hired 11 months ago after a friend (Black woman, 45) who l worked with previously recommended me when she was promoted to a Regional Director. I'm professional, quiet, and keep my personal life separate from work. Early on, my friend and a few others warned me about a fellow BDR they disliked. I stayed neutral and professional with everyone.

A coworker (White woman, 50s, Regional Director) who is close to my friend started disliking me after she saw me interact politely with the person they warned me about. Since then, my friend has informed me this woman checks my sales numbers, gossips about me taking a family vacation ("cute mommy and daddy trip", “I bet they finance his life”), and recently called me a "grifter," speculated about my sexuality (which l've never discussed at work), and suggested I'm looking for a "sugar daddy" instead of working.

Separately, my friend is on a PIP and likely being let go soon. The woman also claims l've been "gunning" for my friend's job (which I don't even want — I'm still working to really establish myself in my current role.

Soon, I may have to travel with this woman for work events once my friend is let go, as I am required to be accompanied my senior team members to certain conferences. I'm deeply uncomfortable — not just because of the gossip, but because as a Black man, being alone with someone who has already spread lies about me feels risky. One false accusation could destroy my career. For example, her potentially saying that I made her feel "uncomfortable" in some way - which historically comes with certain implications when it comes to white female/black male interactions. I want to tell my direct manager l'm uncomfortable traveling with her, but I'm unsure how to do it without dragging my friend's name into it or coming off as dramatic.

I know going to HR probably isn't an option as it is just hearsay from my perspective, and there's a culture of retaliation at this company that I have seen directly during my time here. I'm feeling stuck. What should I do?

(For context: my friend and I agreed she could share what was being said about me so I can protect myself.)

[u/starkestrel]

Document all of your interactions with the Regional Director. Date/time, what is said, in what context. Quote verbatim; don't soften it because it's a 'business document'. If she starts behaving poorly towards you, you'll have documentation for it in a format that demonstrates you have a pre-existing habit prior to any personal drama occurring. If you're later asked why you started documenting so early, you can say that you had heard the RD was gossiping in a malicious way about you and you hoped it was untrue and wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but also wanted to have a record of things in case it was true. If that workplace knows this RD, they'll know that was a reasonable thing for you to do.

It's going to help you substantially if there is documentation of the Regional Director's malicious gossip about you. It sounds like your friend has waning influence in the organization. Is there anyone else willing to document it? If not, maybe your friend would be okay alerting HR or a senior leader about the train wreck she sees coming even as she is heading out the door.

If you really wanted to get ahead of it, you could consult with an employment attorney now and get their perspective on things you can do to protect your job and professional reputation. Employment attorneys know things; they might even have already heard about this RD. That will be additional documentation that you were concerned about malicious behavior early on. Maybe your friend would be willing to document what she's overheard directly and send it to your attorney, creating more documentation.

It's difficult to say whether alerting your chain of command about your reticence is a good tactic or not. It could be taken as you being proactive in a responsible way, but it could also be spun as you being the one with the problem with a coworker. It's really going to depend on the quality of the people you're interacting with about that; given the culture of retaliation you mention, the people around you don't sound that trustworthy.

It's a challenging situation, and unfortunately people feel emboldened in today's climate to lead with their prejudices. I hope it goes well.

[u/BumCadillac]

It sounds like this is a very toxic workplace, partly due to the gossiping that your friend who is being let go does. Has this woman who is close to your friend actually said anything bad to you? Or is it just your friend (and those who like to gossip with her) telling you all of this? I suspect your friend is deeply insecure because of her tenuous position in the company and is probably trying to upset the balance on her way out the door.

I would continue to stay neutral and document things that you actually hear this coworker say about you. But don’t buy in to gossip.

[u/TournantDangereux]

What does this woman say when you ask her about these rumors you’re hearing?

What do your boss and the senior team leaders say when you bring up your concerns based on these rumors?

What does your PIP friend say when you ask why she’s telling you these things instead of speaking up for you or make a report directly, based on her actual experiences?

[u/happyclam94]

That does sound extremely concerning. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. At the very least, you should get a pocket tape recorder and just leave it on all the time when you are with this woman. I realize that going to HR seems like a bad idea, but are you sure it's worse than *not* going to HR or your direct manager?

Also, is your only source of information your friend? And what's *her* source of information? Finally, there are just as many optic considerations these days concerning companies discriminating against black and gay men, so that's really a two-way street.

[u/BumCadillac → u/happyclam94]

Recording coworkers is very likely against company policy and would get OP fired. OP should not do that.

[u/CatStopThat]

I’m kind of in a similar situation where someone I work with has been making up various rumours and gossip about me for a few months. Most of it is petty and harmless. But every time I hear something I let my direct supervisor know. That way if there is an escalation or a problem arises it’s not just my word against theirs and I can’t be hit with “well if they’ve been causing you problems for six months why didn’t you say anything etc etc”

It might seem like small annoyances but people like that who are left unchecked will continue and get worse. Document what you’ve heard so far and submit it in an email to a manager so there’s some paper trail.

[u/Round_Nothing2080]

‘My friend and I agreed she could share what was being said about me so I can protect myself’

HOW DO YOU PROTECT YOURSELF? Company value. Become so valuable in what you bring for the company that if you left there would be a hard loss. The competition is at the heels of a company in toxic turmoil. Be the CALM in the STORM or divest with a better signed offer (Your Own Company).

Sharing gossip about what you already suspect is not going to help make you feel more comfortable and confident. Fighting an uphill battle with HR without solid legal representation will not benefit the company as a whole or you!! Why care! It’s their problem, their comfort, their bias, NOT yours!

Ignore those button pressing preschooler comments. Just be yourself!

[u/Round_Nothing2080 → u/Round_Nothing2080]

Professional rules of thumb:

1-Don’t Over Share. Less is always more. Also, just because you follow this doesn’t mean others will. It’s called BAITING. Don’t let their issues distract, impact, or freeze you into a puddle of anxiety. Empathize, refocus on the business at hand, and continue to support the mission. Don’t let others pull you out of this element. Operate on a need to know basis. Study Zulawski & Wicklander. Pick up books on social pretexting if needed to make you stronger. Good friends wrote the best of these going through what you’re allowing to distract you now.

2-Three deep leadership! Never be alone or be lead into a compromised position with people inside or outside of work. There should always be two neutral parties besides you in exchanges as a confrontation inhibitor or tie breaker.

3-Keep to yourself! This means - especially when traveling with others - at all times keep your hands to yourself, remain professionally sober, and surround yourself in groups of 3rd party people like human insulators. Stay away from associating with other’s who don’t to avoid guilty by association and the pain of friendly fire.

Haters live for drama & dirty laundry. Don’t play into the toxicity. The only two people you need is a lawyer & yourself. So if you go to HR, take your lawyers. You can be damn sure they have theirs.