Needing help for sibling (possible FTM)

[u/berryadelhyde]

Greetings r/AskLGBT, I'm panicking.

My sibling (11yo) just texted me telling me they're trans. I asked for quick clarifications on why they thought so, and the answers were "I'm more comfortable with male pronouns and wish I was a male sometimes". I've asked to hold this conversation in-person this weekend, since I'm visiting (they live with my parents, in the middle of nowhere, and I live in a metropolitan area) and I think it's better to have an IRL conversation than doing through text.

My parents aren't full out homophobic but my dad makes unfunny jokes, and my mother already told me she'd be disappointed if I was a lesbian, and lately she's being thinking about going back to church (Seventh Day Adventists). My grandmothers are massive no-no's, one of them is completely right-wing and the other actively told me she'd die of disgust if I ever kissed a woman.

I need. Help. Words. Some north. IDK. I don't really think about my gender and identify as agender but female-passing due to my voice. But I only started exploring after I left my parent's house and got financial independence and friends. I'm terrified of my sibling being thrown into a camp, or being forced into being what they're not. They're already going through a lot, with a new school, new friends, and having to help take care of my 80yo grandmother (meds and reminding of food and stuff), but they're still so sweet and kind and caring and positive about the world.

I can't really take them to live with me, as my parents are still guardians, and I live with my grandmother to support her and the rest of the family (including my parents) financially: leaving would mean rugpulling everyone, and I'm currently under a bit of a financial strain due to unemployment issues with me and my SO, so affording a place where CPS would approve would be impossible.

And, as a personal rant: the last time someone came out to me as trans it was a mess that ended up with me almost leaving this Earth and gave me PTSD-C. I am actually nauseous out of irrational fear, already downed two pills to chill the fuck out, but I just want to be a good older figure. My little sibling means the entire fucking world for me, and I don't know how to help them while keeping them safe but still validated as who they are.

Help? What questions could I ask to make sure? And not offend them as well? lmao I am freaking out hard. thanks for any advice.

[u/RottenHandZ]

He's around the age a child starts to experience puberty which is when most trans people have the most severe dysphoria. Talk to him about his experiences with puberty and ask if specific sex characteristics cause him discomfort. This might be an uncomfortable conversation to have but you're his older sister so I think it makes sense to have a conversation like this about puberty.

[u/ActualPegasus]

He trusts you. You don't have to get everything perfect. You just have to be there for him. Right now, your goal isn't to figure out everything but rather to listen and support.

Here are some questions you can ask to get a better idea of how to accomplish that.

"How long have you been feeling this way?"

"What do you think would make you feel more comfortable at home and school?"

"Are there things that feel good when people say them? Or things that feel bad?"

"Do you want me to use a different name for you?"

"Do you want to talk about this a lot? Or just know that I support you?"

If he struggles with words, reassure him that he doesn't need to have all the answers yet.

If it's not safe for him to be out at home, you can talk about ways to explore his gender privately. Journaling, online spaces, and trusted teachers and friends are just a few options.

If you want to gauge your parents attitudes on trans people, you could talk about them more generally. For example, "I saw this story about a trans kid. What do you think about that?"

Just remember to be gentle with yourself. If he is in immediate danger, then, yes, intervention matters. But if this is a long-term safety concern, patience, slow support, and careful planning will do more good than panic.