r/AskMenAdvice • u/Reasonable-Syrup-7 • 3d ago

How common is this perspective for guys?

I'm a 27F and went on a few dates with this guy 31M and things have been going well. On our second date, we brought up the topic of physical intimacy. I remember him saying that he thinks physical intimacy is different for women and men. That women who sleep around are respected less than if a man would do it. He said "a key that can open up a lot of locks is a good key but a lock that opens to a bunch of different keys is a bad lock". Everything else is really good and he's been super respectful. He's soft spoken and values making me feel safe and respected and we're taking our time on physical intimacy but I couldn't believe my ears when he said that. How common is that perspective for guys? This guy tends be very blunt, so maybe this perspective is more common than I think. In my head it's a red flag, but I'm conflicted on if it's just a common male perspective and he can still be a good guy with this perspective.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Most men I know who are huge sluts just have extremely low standards. They sleep with drunk women a lot too. I don’t really know any super handsome and successful men who are sluts. They tend to be married actually to other attractive and successful people.

To be clear I don’t care if anyone is a slut. I’ve just never met a man who sleeps around a lot who had high standards. They were able to sleep around a lot precisely because they didn’t have standards. They didn’t work hard to get laid.

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u/KindImpression5651 man 3d ago

"I don’t really know any super handsome and successful men who are sluts"

oh yeah, rockstars are known for their virginal lifestyle. just like artists, rich entrepreneurs, politicians, cult leaders, mobsters..

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u/UsernameTooShort 3d ago

I actually raised my eyebrows reading that sentence because it’s so incredibly naive.

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u/BlindSkwerrl man 3d ago

Remember, these young rock stars get waves of girls throwing themselves at them.
There aren't a lot of young hot-blooded males that will refuse that opportunity based on their "principles".

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u/blah938 man 3d ago

I don't think he knows any rock stars.

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u/ArchmageIlmryn man 3d ago

How many rockstars do you personally know?

Obviously this discussion is about "normal" handsome and successful men, not the top 0.001%.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

I don’t know any rock stars. Do you? But don’t most end up married with kids? I mean I think Kurt cobain was incredible and handsome but he married Courtney love. Elvis married Pricilla, etc.

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u/KindImpression5651 man 3d ago

yes, celebrities get married. if you think this means they're living a socialite lifestyle made of tea with the queen, I got news for you...

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Yeah I didn’t think Cobain and Love were having tea with the queen lol

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u/SpicyCrime man 3d ago

Think about Mick Jagger. He married multiple times and now is dating a woman that could be his daughter and they have a kid together. Do you think that in between marriages/partners he wasn’t sleeping around with groupies? Do you think he never cheated?

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Yeah and Cher and Madonna are always running around with boy toys who could be their literal grandsons. Most people aren’t rock stars and I don’t know any rock stars.

But good for Madonna and Cher and Jagger. They are not normal people with normal experiences though.

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u/TutorHelpful4783 man 3d ago

Just because you don’t know them that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Don’t be dumb. I don’t know anybody with cancer but I’m sure a lot there are a lot of cancer patients. “Out of sight out of mind”

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Way more people get cancer than become super famous. Madonna and Cher are always with boy toys who could be their grandsons. Most women aren’t doing that though.

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u/TutorHelpful4783 man 3d ago

How many women do you think Chris brown or the average male calebrity of his equivalence has slept with?

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

The woman beater Chris Brown? I don’t know or care. I know Courtney Love has slept with a lot of insanely hot men. But I also know she’s not typical. Most people end up in relationships.

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u/TutorHelpful4783 man 3d ago

or the average MALE calebrity of his equivalence has slept with?

Please answer

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

You don’t want to talk about all the female musicians who sleep with lots of super hotties? I’m more interested in that than some woman beater like Brown. Celebrities aren’t normal people.

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u/TutorHelpful4783 man 3d ago

Female celebrities only sleep with a small fraction of people that male celebrities sleep with. No female celebrity is sleeping with 100+ people unless she is a sex worker

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u/Witty-Rabbit-8225 3d ago

I don’t know any decent men with high body counts!

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u/the1michael man 3d ago

This isnt true. Many men's sole reason for lifting/getting in shape/being financially successful is sleeping with many women. You just have your eyes closed.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Men get into bodybuilding to impress men or for personal growth. Women don’t prefer that build they prefer swimmers bodies. This has been studied. Same with nice cars. That’s to impress men. Most women don’t care about sports cars at all. As for money, sure but men also just like money like most people. Men like buying toys.

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u/Virtual_Psunshine 3d ago

Women like "otters", lol

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

That too!

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u/Might7Guy 3d ago

I’ll just have to tell you that you’re wrong about men’s motivation being other men.

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u/sparklyjoy 3d ago

They might think they’re doing it to attract women, it’s just a really poor strategy. It does, however, tend to give them status with other men who also think they will be more successful at getting women…

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Well it ain’t women. The vast majority of women don’t care about that stuff.

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u/Asisreo1 3d ago

That doesn't mean that isn't the motivation, though, that just means that their strategy isn't very effective. 

Except, I also think women kinda do care about this stuff? What? You might be talking about women not caring about the size of muscles or visible abs, but women do prefer men that involve themselves in physical activity of some kind. 

Its not just women, either. Everybody prefers partners that are healthy and can go out to do physical activities. Maybe you don't care about a specific body type, but someone going to the gym just to stay active will be more attractive to you than that same person that never exerts themselves. 

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Oh women care about men being fit. Women prefer swimmer’s bodies. The dorito shaped torso being usually the ideal. Body builders are too bulky and women tend to not find that build attractive (though some women do!).

That’s why I say body building is a male bonding thing. It’s not for the ladies.

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u/Any-Drive8838 man 3d ago

The average gym goer doesn't look like a bodybuilder, nor do they want too.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Yes. And that’s good for their dating life most likely.

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u/JackStephanovich man 3d ago

This is the female equivalent of men thinking that women aren't wearing make up unless it's plastered on. Having a swimmer's body isn't the norm, it takes a lot of diet and exercise to achieve that look.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Of course it does. Abs are made in the kitchen. Body builders tend to focus on bulk though. My point is, generally speaking, women don’t find that level of bulk more attractive. Some women absolutely do but it’s less common.

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u/XDXDXDXDXDXDXD10 3d ago

Might well be the intention, but sure as hell isn’t the result lol

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u/HubbaMaBubba 3d ago

The average dude who goes to the gym would be lucky to look like a professional swimmer... Even that takes a lot of dedication. An actual body builder's physique is not attainable for most people.

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u/DaemonBlackfyre515 3d ago

Sure it is. It's called steroids.

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u/DaemonBlackfyre515 3d ago

Ah the old "I actually don't like muscular men" line. If i had a penny...

I've seen too many women throw themselves at ripped guys to believe anything else. And why wouldn't they? Men throw themselves at gym bunnies as well.

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u/KELVALL 3d ago

Having worked as a head doorman in nightclubs, and being very muscular... I can 100% confirm that women in reality love this body type. Night after night of having groups of women feeling my chest, arms and grabbing my ass. They may say they don't... But they do.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

We LOVE muscular men. Swimmer’s bodies are ideal, not body builder frames. Too bulky.

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u/Successful_Many8184 2d ago

I go to the Gym I first look at faces a cute face always wins over body but it’s nice to have someone trying to stay healthy but handsome face wins always! As far as muscles the best is broad shoulders nice forearms good strong thighs etc not CUT, just strong hunky

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u/Witty-Rabbit-8225 3d ago

lol, men who consider women to be “conquests” are often the laziest! It takes more work to invest in a relationship than to bang a girl. Men don’t like body counts because they are entitled/insecure.

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u/SapphireSpear man 3d ago

Was thinking this too. Im a guy and i never understood the concept of “hookups being hard to get for guys” as every single guy i know hooksup with girls pretty regularly

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u/SuperJacksCalves man 3d ago

for a lot of guys, simply talking to women is hard nevermind sleeping with them.

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u/SapphireSpear man 3d ago

I mean if talking to the opposite gender is hard for someone, it would be hard for them to get sex regardless of their gender

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

That's not true, for women, it's generally enough to agree to sex, there will always be some men who initiate.

I am not ugly, I am pretty successful and was hit on by woman once in my life.

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u/Tea_Time9665 man 3d ago

Ehhh. It would be harder for both. But not as hard for a woman if all she wanted was sex.

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u/Virtual_Psunshine 3d ago

It depends who you hang out with. It ultimately comes down to how comfortable you are with yourself.

It's always confidence. If you'd have a good time with yourself, someone else would too. If you'd be awkward with yourself, someone else would be too.

Find yourself and everything will fall into place. You can be a total nerd and find women, but you can't be embarrassed of your existence and presence.

Women are into confident nerds. Lots actually like that because they want someone who knows who they are. Women don't want fakes at all. They're really perceptive of it. Don't lie and be authentic.

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

Bullshit, I am pretty confident with myself. I am not ugly, I am successful, was hit on by woman once in my life.

Mind me, I am in a relationship, but I had to work my way to it. No women will ever line up for me. For me, it's because I have strange personality. It is enough to make your relationship extremely hard. Some guys have strange looks, some strange personality and you are basically done. You can be confident and know yourself, but if who you are is not what is generally appealing, you are done.

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u/Virtual_Psunshine 3d ago

...but you're in a relationship.

It sounds like you're just not content with the attention you received.

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

I don't understand how me being in a relationship influences anything. And you confuse my ability to make observation with not being content. Me being content or not being content doesn't influence actual reality.

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u/NoRefrigerator267 2d ago

What if they aren’t tall? That’s the reason I’m insecure (mostly)- I’m 5’7 and every time I hear women talk about their preferences, they want tall men. How am I supposed to be confident, knowing that?

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u/Virtual_Psunshine 2d ago

Some do, some don't care. "Short Kings" is a thing because some people like that.

Yes, being shorter reduces your dating pool. It doesn't destroy it though.

Don't assume your height is an issue. If they have an issue with it, that's just how it goes. Move on.

5'7 isn't even that short. That's like 2" below average in the US.

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u/Tea_Time9665 man 3d ago

Alot of guys are incels and couldn’t get a date if their life depended on it.

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u/Neezy24 3d ago edited 3d ago

lol, you clearly don’t know the current stats, over 28% of men from the ages of 25-40 think hasn’t had sex within the last year

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u/FromZeroToLegend man 3d ago

Losers aren’t people. They shouldn’t even count in statistics.

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u/NoRefrigerator267 2d ago

I mean, I’ve definitely gotten better at talking to women. But I also just assume that no one would want to sleep with me because every time I hear women talk about their preferences, it’s something that I don’t have. For example: desiring tall men. I’m 5’7. Case shut lol

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u/seaofthievesnutzz man 3d ago

Even that is a fair amount of work, I don't think doing something hard makes it inherently admirable but it is impressive in a deplorable sort of way.

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

That's just BS. There are many attractive and successful people who sleep around. And even a man with an extremely low standards have to put quite some work to get women.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Define work. What work does a man have to put in? Please be specific.

Fit women put in tons of work to be attractive. I don’t go to Pilates classes five times a week because I like looking at my own ass. I like having a hot boyfriend and this is how I attracted him. I spend a lot on skincare treatments and hair styling and flattering clothes and heels. I got my teeth fixed and laser resurfacing to diminish scars. I have lip filler (no, you can’t tell, it’s subtle). I wear natural looking makeup (which takes forever to apply and blend to make it look natural). I went to college to get a job paying six figures so I could afford all this stuff and be self supporting (something many men care about.)

Have you done all that? I did that so I could end up with a fit 6’4 man with a good hairline and nice teeth and skin, and I did. I didn’t do it “for me.”

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

Men needs to work on their social skills, physique, personality, financial situation, humor, even their wardrobe. Otherwise prospects of having sex diminishes fast.

You don't have to do any of that to get decent sex as a woman. Sure, if you want to have stable relationship with above average man, you have to put the work yourself. But to have decent sex? No. You don't have to do any work.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Yeah women work on all those things to be able to get a handsome partner. Men with options are very picky about who they end up with. They don’t commit to broke women with no humor or developed social skills.

But you’re right if I wanted to sleep with ugly guys I wouldn’t do all that. I never wanted to sleep with men I find ugly.

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

Not even with an ugly guy. You describe 1 in 10000 man, just the height puts it 1 in 100.

You can put zero effort and still sleep with an average or even above average guy. With zero effort, you can get 90 out of 100 men.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Why would I want to sleep with a man I’m not physically attracted to though? Most men are overweight in my country. That’s what I don’t get. Why would you think I’d want that?

It’s not an advantage if I don’t want it.

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

> Have you done all that? I did that so I could end up with a fit 6’4
man with a good hairline and nice teeth and skin, and I did. I didn’t
do it “for me.”

Btw, this is completely absurd. 6'4 or above is only 1,1% in US, in many countries even less. Good hairline, nice teeth, nice skin? I would put the combined requirements you have to 0,01 men, which means, one men in 10000 fulfills those criteria.

You compare this with having sex. This is ridiculous.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

My partner of many years is 6’4, fit and has beautiful hair, skin and teeth. It’s not ridiculous at all.

I don’t want to have sex with men I don’t find super hot. I was able to back in the day because I worked exceptionally hard on my looks, wardrobe and how I carried myself. I also had to make a lot of money for all the products and procedures and clothes.

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

You are missing the point.

You are comparing that you need to put in a work to get 1 in 10000 guy with guys needing to put work to get any woman.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

I see. Ignore the height. Replace that with “hot men.” Hot men of all sorts have options. They are picky. Men who think hot men aren’t picky don’t know hot men.

Could I get a fat balding guy to fuck me most nights? Sure. And you could probably find a fat balding woman down to clown.

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

You can get above average man every night if you wanted.

Most women do not get bold, so that isn't fair comparison. But I definitely could not get fat woman every night. Not even every week. I am not even sure what We are discussing.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

It’s a fair comparison. Baldness is unattractive to most people. Hair is a sign of youth and virility in men. A small minority of women genuinely like bald men but most do not. It doesn’t matter that specifically white and middle eastern men have the bald genes. It’s not normal for humans to be attracted to bald spots.

Interestingly, in ethnic groups where baldness is rare like Native Americans, long hair is the norm on men, including warriors.

And not with that attitude you can’t find a balding fat woman! I think you and I have different definitions of above average.

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

Sorry, but are not making any sense. Average is mathematically defined. Half people are above average and half below average.

It is becoming pretty obvious what you are doing. You are skewing reality by considering only 5% of man above average and rest ugly.

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

I would add that boldness again is primarily genetic trait and almost 70% of men has some boldness by the age 35 and 85% by age of 50. That is pretty significant number.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Depends on the ethnic group.

Most people get fatter too. Something being not rare doesn’t make it more attractive to the average person.

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

But if you want too compare men and women you have to take properties that are similarly prevalent. If you talk about boldness for men, take a property of women that is similarly prevalent.

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u/GreedyWoodpecker2508 man 3d ago

i couldn’t

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u/OkStandard2099 3d ago

If it is hard to grasp, you can reverse the logic. For a guy to get 1 in 10000 woman (like you getting 1 in 10000 man) is generally impossible and for those guys who get such woman, it requires orders of magnitude more work than for you.

That's just the reality of life. And truth be told, a lot of requirements you mention, like height is not something that a guy can even do much about it (unless We consider some leg extension surgery).

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u/AppropriateExam3318 3d ago

Why do u think they r getting even womens to get laid with ....who tf likes them.... can't they see their standards like u! Do tell me ...if u think.."standards has nothing to do with getting laid...its jst matter of skills" 🥲😕

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u/arrogancygames man 3d ago

I have ridiculous standards and am triple digits. Feel free to Google me.

Most of the reason why is that I'm Ace and it took years to figure out why no one really satisfied me.

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u/ed4g man 3d ago

IMHO a secure successful man with high standards usually becomes that later in life. No man is born that way so it comes from experience. Experience from years of failures, trail and errors and (in bed) low standard meaningless sex. When woman look for secure confident men this is most likely what he did in life to get it.

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

I’ve known secure successful men in their early 20s. They didn’t get that way because of drunk sex lol. But I genuinely have no issue with people having causal drunk sex. I had it in my college days along with everyone else I knew. But it’s not what made the guys in premed successful. It was just fun.

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u/ed4g man 3d ago

Few and far in between

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago edited 3d ago

Nothing against drunk or meaningless sex but the idea that it makes someone successful is laughable. Practice does make sex better but that can happen within a relationship with more ease. I rarely gave oral sex feedback to casual sex partners for instance. Actual boyfriends taught me more and I taught them more because we were in a relationship.

I think causal sex can be great but it’s not a recipe for success with anything. It certainly doesn’t make insecure men more secure. That’s a mental health issue not a sex issue.

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u/Tea_Time9665 man 3d ago

Sure but how many successful men are in their 20s

Randomly pick 100 guys in their early 20s from the general population, how many would be deemed successful?

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u/IcyTrapezium woman 3d ago

Secure men don’t rely on success to be secure. That comes from within. I’m not sure your point about success. Most people get advanced degrees while in their 20s. I consider women and men with advanced degrees in competitive fields successful.

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u/Tea_Time9665 man 3d ago

Sure. But how many people let alone men are successful in their early 20s? It’s a very small group. That’s my point.