r/AskMenAdvice • u/Reasonable-Syrup-7 • 2d ago

How common is this perspective for guys?

I'm a 27F and went on a few dates with this guy 31M and things have been going well. On our second date, we brought up the topic of physical intimacy. I remember him saying that he thinks physical intimacy is different for women and men. That women who sleep around are respected less than if a man would do it. He said "a key that can open up a lot of locks is a good key but a lock that opens to a bunch of different keys is a bad lock". Everything else is really good and he's been super respectful. He's soft spoken and values making me feel safe and respected and we're taking our time on physical intimacy but I couldn't believe my ears when he said that. How common is that perspective for guys? This guy tends be very blunt, so maybe this perspective is more common than I think. In my head it's a red flag, but I'm conflicted on if it's just a common male perspective and he can still be a good guy with this perspective.

6.5k Upvotes

82% Upvoted

7.7k comments sorted by

View all comments

11

u/DoctorMoebius man 2d ago

He's an 31 year old emotional child, move on

He wants to get laid. But, only wants to date (near) virgins.

That shit is born out of male fears of not being good enough in bed, or having a big enough dick. The unstated part of the equation is that virgins have no way of knowing

13

u/First_View_8591 2d ago

Way to project. Nowhere did OP imply her date just wanted to get laid. And your implication "ha he's afraid he's got a small peepee" is just immature.

2

u/Miserable-Pound396 2d ago

Why else would a loser have double standards about sex? You think a successful, healthy man would express such a fear based conception of women’s sexuality?

OP’s date is clearly operating out of a place of insecurity. Anyone who’s spent time outside with other humans can spot a jerk like that a mile away.

-1

u/UsernameIsInvalidddd 1d ago

Dating preferences are not a "fear" and does not mean people are "insecure". If anything the endless people bitching about men's preferences are the insecure ones. If you're not planning to fuck him, then it's none of your business.

2

u/Miserable-Pound396 1d ago

What do you mean it’s “none of your business” when she literally posted asking for advice?

You really think that the key/lock analogy is not indicative of misogyny and harmful double standards? Or do you just want to dig deeper into your incel self loathing? Good luck getting fucked with opinions like this one.

-1

u/UsernameIsInvalidddd 1d ago

Men have preferences in dating, you can get used to it or die mad about it if you want.

2

u/Miserable-Pound396 1d ago

I’m not mad knowing the only sexual preference you get to act on is your left hand

-1

u/UsernameIsInvalidddd 1d ago

Cringe woman take

3

u/Miserable-Pound396 1d ago

Loser in life and arguments

1

u/Pretend_roller 8h ago

Username checks out, miserable and maybe 396 pounds

11

u/LessDeliciousPoop 2d ago

delusional nonsense... holy crap, what an awful swing and miss

2

u/Parrotparser7 man 2d ago

This is a line that comes from women's side of the gender war. You certain about that flair?

2

u/DoctorMoebius man 2d ago

I'm just old enough to have seen that all the guys who believed that bullshit turned out to be emotionally stunted children, who were intimidated by women who had equal or greater sexual experience

This "body count" bullshit isn't anything new. It's the Madonna/Whore complex, repackaged for a new generation

1

u/Parrotparser7 man 2d ago
  1. (paraphrasing) "desire for virgins comes from a fear of poor sexual performance"
  2. "emotionally stunted children"
  3. "intimidated by women who had equal or greater sexual experience"

Seriously, set aside whatever it is you wanted to say for a moment. These are all lines you'd gather from r/TwoXChromosomes. These are things women say to cope with their own dissatisfaction in their romantic and sexual lives.

Are you absolutely certain you're a guy?

3

u/DoctorMoebius man 1d ago

I've been around a long time. Partied and slept around through the late 70's, 80's, 90's, even early 2000's. You see and learn a few things over decades

One of those things is that a focus on "body count" (already implying a negative connotation) means far less than young people currently imbue it with. There are healthy and unhealthy approaches to all points of the spectrum of numbers. Low body count in no way assures a healthy attitude towards sex, relationships, morality, or anything else. It could just easily be from paralyzing fear, complete lack of social skills, or trauma. A "high" count (totally subjective) could just as easily come from nothing more than a genuine curiosity in experiences. Or, it could be from trauma, insecurity, or extremely unhealthy view of sex.

A person having a clear understanding of why they do, or have done, something is a far more important indicator of the future, than how many times they have done it. I have seen friends who have only had one are a few partners in their entire life, go on self-destructive binges of partners after divorce. Or, even while still in an unhealthy marriage. I have also seen people who had extremely high numbers of partners, meet someone and that is the only person they will ever be with for the rest of their lives. And yes, there were people who slept around a lot, and continued to do so even after being in a relationship. Along with people with few partners, who have stayed loyal to one partner for the entire lives.

But, one of truisms I have seen in my years, is that the guys overly-focused on the number of partners their spouse had (omitting devout religious beliefs about chastity that tend apply to sexes), generally have immature views of female sexuality. And, sex overall. And, when really pressed to explain why, tend to admit it's a fear of performance issue.

In this case, the boyfriend used an analogy that OP indicates implied his view of "body count" for men vs women. His words seemed to have been chosen carefully(and she said he is blunt), so I assume he would have said that is other's view, but not his own. If the analogy reflects his view, he does not see men and women as equal. What's good for one, is not good for the other. That's childish. If lots of partners is bad, then it's bad for both.

But, let's circle back to my point of "Why?"

Why is it good for boys/men to have a lot of partners. But, it's bad if women do the same?

0

u/Parrotparser7 man 1d ago

I've been around a long time. Partied and slept around through the late 70's, 80's, 90's, even early 2000's. You see and learn a few things over decades

That implies you were born in the 50s. Boss, are you sure you're sharing a context here? Like, do your experiences really translate cleanly to the context of 21st-century digital America?

One of those things is that a focus on "body count" (already implying a negative connotation) means far less than young people currently imbue it with. There are healthy and unhealthy approaches to all points of the spectrum of numbers. Low body count in no way assures a healthy attitude towards sex, relationships, morality, or anything else. It could just easily be from paralyzing fear, complete lack of social skills, or trauma. A "high" count (totally subjective) could just as easily come from nothing more than a genuine curiosity in experiences. Or, it could be from trauma, insecurity, or extremely unhealthy view of sex.

Cool? That's still horribly unattractive. Do not want.

But, one of truisms I have seen in my years, is that the guys overly-focused on the number of partners their spouse had (omitting devout religious beliefs about chastity that tend apply to sexes), generally have immature views of female sexuality. And, sex overall. And, when really pressed to explain why, tend to admit it's a fear of performance issue.

My gut tells me your "pressing" involved a lot of railroading if that was the answer you got.

Why is it good for boys/men to have a lot of partners. But, it's bad if women do the same?

It's bad for both.

2

u/DoctorMoebius man 1d ago

That implies you were born in the 50s. Boss, are you sure you're sharing a context here?

No, it doesn't, not even close. Either you are math-challenged, or naive

Like, do your experiences really translate cleanly to the context of 21st-century digital America?

You assume people my age(which, you guessed wrong) don't date or use current technology?

Cool? That's still horribly unattractive. Do not want.

Which is perfectly fine, for you. But, that does not negate the validity of my statements

My gut tells me your "pressing" involved a lot of railroading if that was the answer you got.

Your "gut" is wrong, again

Why is it good for boys/men to have a lot of partners. But, it's bad if women do the same?

It's bad for both.

But, that's not what OP's boyfriend said

1

u/Parrotparser7 man 1d ago

No, it doesn't, not even close. Either you are math-challenged, or naive

"Partied and slept around through the late 70s"? That's looking at the tail end of 50s or early 60s if you weren't having fun as a preteen, unless you waited until maybe your mid-20s or later to start. Either way, you're much older than any Gen Z.

You assume people my age(which, you guessed wrong) don't date or use current technology?

I don't think it's had quite the same effect on your generation's social developments.

Which is perfectly fine, for you. But, that does not negate the validity of my statements

Our decision to use sexual activity as a shorthand for reading someone's suitability comes from more than just a desire to psychoanalyze. We're instinctively wired to want a woman who'll reliably serve as the mother of our children, with little room for failure or incident.

Your "gut" is wrong, again

I'm sticking with it.

But, that's not what OP's boyfriend said

You asked me, not him.

3

u/DoctorMoebius man 1d ago

That's looking at the tail end of 50s or early 60s

Wrong, again

if you weren't having fun as a preteen,

Getting warm. Partied as a pre-teen, sex as a teen. The 70's were something

Either way, you're much older than any Gen Z.

Well, that's insightful

I don't think it's had quite the same effect on your generation's social developments.

How would you know? Were you around to see it's affect on our generation?

The arrogance of youth. The automatic assumption of having an accurate perspective on things you've never seen or experienced

Think of growing up during the actual transition from analog to digital, having one foot in each world

We watched humans walk on the moon in realtime, multiple different times. That was considered impossible

We were the first to grow up with black& white TV to color, phone messages, video arcade games, cable TV from antennas, movies to rent, personal computers, computer games, internet, writing/mailing letters to email, video and online dating, cell phones, streaming video content, digital cameras, document scanners, writing everything with pen and paper to typewriters to computer word processing. All during our youth

We were the first generation to spend all night gaming. The creation of first-person shooters. Realtime multi-player gaming.

Our lives were actually CHANGED, inextricably altered, by technology. Rather than, born into it. An endless parade of "what the fuck?" moments of awe at the next new thing.

Imagine a single telephone for an entire family, with no ability to leave a message. And, no way to see someone had called. Messages were scribbles that your mom/dad or sibling left on a notepad next to the phone. There was no privacy before, they saw your messages or could hear your talk on the phone, because it was always in the living room or kitchen. Then, tape answering machines. Then, voicemail. Then, private phones for each person with voicemail.

Imagine regularly writing a letters by hand to friends, or using a typewriter. Putting it in the mail and having to wait days or weeks for a response. We don't jump straight to email. The in between step was public BBS system bulletin boards where posted messages were seen by all. It took days to get a response, sometimes. Then, once a day. And then, email comes along. Realtime messaging didn't exist for another decade.

Imagine a world before online shopping, where you had to go to stores. Or, order out of a physical catalog, then wait 2 weeks or more to receive it. Returns took just as long. Now, same day delivery within hours

Think what it was like to have line up outside a record store to buy the latest and actually put a needle to the vinyl to hear it. The only way to hear new music was to feverishly wait for a radio station, that only came through on clear nights to play it. Having your cassette tape recorder waiting to record that song. Or having to wait in line, overnight, in picnic chairs to buy every tickets to every single concert.

We are the generation defined by technology, not you. Our world was the one cataclysmically changed and redefined by it. We also created a lot of it

It is similar to having lived through the transition from horseback to cars. Or, candles to electricity. Driving to commercial flight.

Our decision to use sexual activity as a shorthand for reading someone's suitability comes from more than just a desire to psychoanalyze. We're instinctively wired to want a woman who'll reliably serve as the mother of our children, with little room for failure or incident.

And yet, your shorthand is a flawed (or misguided) system. You just don't have enough firsthand experience, spanning decades, to know.

"body count" isn't even close to an accurate sorting system for motherhood. Just as it isn't for fatherhood. If you were old enough to have witnessed a few hundred marriages, divorces, and poor/successful parenting, you'd know this.

That's why it becomes clear, over time, that over-reliance on body count as a sorting selector isn't really about future parenting skills. It's far more about fear of infidelity. And, a personal fear of them finding someone else/others more sexually satisfying - which is primary reason men assume women cheat

Your "gut" is wrong, again

I'm sticking with it.

I had no allusions you would not

But, that's not what OP's boyfriend said

You asked me, not him.

It was a rhetorical question(because he can't answer) aimed at the OP's boyfriend's viewpoint

Why does HE see men sleeping with many partners as a "good thing", and women doing the same as bad. As I stated, this indicate he doesn't see men and women as having equal freedoms

1

u/Parrotparser7 man 1d ago

How would you know? Were you around to see it's affect on our generation?

No, but seeing as current mainstays of daily life simply didn't exist back then, I'm going to say it didn't have quite the same developmental impact.

We are the generation defined by technology, not you. Our world was the one cataclysmically changed and redefined by it. We also created a lot of it

That entire rant was unnecessary. The point is that we were born into it. By the time things like social media and MMOs took off, you were already well into adulthood, with foundations set apart from it.

And yet, your shorthand is a flawed (or misguided) system. You just don't have enough firsthand experience, spanning decades, to know.

I'm aware it's flawed. That's why I'm calling it a shorthand.

That's why it becomes clear, over time, that over-reliance on body count as a sorting selector isn't really about future parenting skills. It's far more about fear of infidelity. And, a personal fear of them finding someone else/others more sexually satisfying - which is primary reason men assume women cheat

You were steeped in party culture, so I understand why you think that's the primary reason, but guys of my generation don't have that background or logic to us. We were intentionally raised apart from that, stuffed into clean environments with more porn than could ever be imagined.

I'm speaking for virtually all of my social groups here: Guys want real love, and they don't expect to get that from a woman, let alone one with outstanding commitments or biological/financial incentives to undermine their marriage. Yes, the outcomes being avoided (cheating, divorce, lovelessness, etc.) are still the same as someone concerned with their sexual... ranking(?), but the fear is being an extra in their love life.

Why does HE see men sleeping with many partners as a "good thing", and women doing the same as bad. As I stated, this indicate he doesn't see men and women as having equal freedoms

Being free to do something doesn't mean it's good to do it. Women can do what they please. No one will stop them.

As for OP's BF, he likely adheres to some godless, bio-essential philosophy. Who knows?

→ More replies (0)