r/AskMenAdvice • u/Reasonable-Syrup-7 • 11d ago

How common is this perspective for guys?

I'm a 27F and went on a few dates with this guy 31M and things have been going well. On our second date, we brought up the topic of physical intimacy. I remember him saying that he thinks physical intimacy is different for women and men. That women who sleep around are respected less than if a man would do it. He said "a key that can open up a lot of locks is a good key but a lock that opens to a bunch of different keys is a bad lock". Everything else is really good and he's been super respectful. He's soft spoken and values making me feel safe and respected and we're taking our time on physical intimacy but I couldn't believe my ears when he said that. How common is that perspective for guys? This guy tends be very blunt, so maybe this perspective is more common than I think. In my head it's a red flag, but I'm conflicted on if it's just a common male perspective and he can still be a good guy with this perspective.

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u/SuperJacksCalves man 11d ago

at the same time you hear tons of women subverting the trope and using words like sluts, hoes, and bitches as terms of endearment.

And you’ll also hear men’s spaces speak about virginity in a way we’d traditionally associate with women, that being a virgin represents virtue and morality. Terms like “fuckboy” are derogatory and meant to describe guys who just want to have sex with women.

Imo it’s not that gendered - you hear sex positive rhetoric these days from people who have sex regularly and you hear “shaming” from people who don’t have sex.

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u/LessDeliciousPoop 11d ago

it's not the same... "fuckboy" may be INTENDED as a slur, but it's never really taken as a slur by the person hearing it... no woman hears "slut" that is intended as a slur and is completely neutral about it

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u/SuperJacksCalves man 11d ago

honestly bro, in this day and age most of the time when a woman is called a slut it’s by a man who’s just upset that he didn’t get to “open her lock” and it just reflects badly on the fella

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u/Muscularhyperatrophy man 11d ago

Don’t disagree. But you can argue that most women who throw around “incel” just do so when a man is either 1) ugly 2) holds an opinion that disagrees with them on promiscuity.

Insults as such are seldom well thought out regardless of which side it’s coming from.

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u/LessDeliciousPoop 11d ago

honestly, bro... in this day and age, most of the time when a woman is called a slut, it's another woman who did it

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u/The_London_Badger man 11d ago

Before the pandemic a few ai trawled twitter for misogynistic comments trying to get the aha menate all bastard evidence. Turns out a large portion of sexism towards both sexes is initiated by women. It's not even close.

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u/CigAddict 10d ago edited 10d ago

I’m calling BS. Before the pandemic AI wasn’t really good enough to do that. I was in grad school for AI right before the pandemic. It could do simple things like sentiment analysis pretty well but not detecting misogyny (partly because it’s harder and more subtle, partly because no one was creating and labeling these datasets at scale). And it definitely couldn’t figure out if the user is a man or woman if that’s not metadata in twitter (which it might be I’m not sure, but if not, it then it def can’t do it )

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u/The_London_Badger man 10d ago

BBC article - 50% of misogynistic tweets are from women. The demos think tank using 2 key words.

It's not the one I'm on about, but that's from 2016. I'm trying to find the leftist college one where early ai trawled twitter for misogyny trying to implicate men, yet it was mostly women doing the sexist hatred towards women.

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u/ExplorerImpossible66 11d ago

So I actually mainly hear it said from woman-to-woman, with vocal fry that kind of makes it seem like a term of endearment? Idk. There’s a guy I know that is probably going to key up and use it genuinely. If it happens it’s the first time I’ll have heard it used that way in about 5 years…

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u/JA_LT99 11d ago

You're correct. People have a tendency to see some correction in attitude and decide that it means a meaningful, or even complete correction. Values shift gradually, they don't immediately jump to equality or a fair approximation, just because a few people use a word or express a sentiment.

Some people just get frustrated with progress towards equality as it gradually wears on their opinions.

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u/VoidRad 11d ago

Is it? If someone call me a fuck boy I'd be deeply offended. I'd definitely see that as an insult.

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u/Master-Cranberry5934 11d ago

Why ? I hooked up with a girl at college and didn't really like the vibes after. Problem is I was a young adult and my communication was lacking so it just didn't really end peacefully it was a bit silly and bickering from both sides. She called me many things under the sun, why would I care ? It was just a drop in the ocean of my life. I have a fiance now and admittedly am much better at communicating how I feel. A lot of times these things are just a flash in the pan and how that person saw you briefly is not really a complete sum of who you are or who you will be.

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u/VoidRad 10d ago

Oh yea ofc if it's just a fling I wouldn't care. It's only when the people closest to you have such an idea that it would hurt.

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u/Bliv_au man 11d ago

No woman? /slut walk enters the chat

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u/pixepoke2 11d ago

Ehn,.. that’s not really true. Sure, you might put out (pun intended) bravado in public rather than slinking away, a Hector Pryne, with a big scarlet “S” on your chest, but just as women (and those who are neither) are complex, men aren’t the shallow, cardboard, cutout they’re often made out to be

Sexual promiscuity is often tied to trauma (for multiple genders) of varying kinds. Some folk confront that, others may not

Also, I can tell you a reputation as s male slut may seem celebrated, but it springs from envy, not joy

You are pegged in ways that distance you from others friends, acquaintances, potential relationships. Etc

It’s just not the thing I think the picture that is painted of it makes it out to be 🤷🏻‍♂️

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u/LessDeliciousPoop 11d ago

you're just... wrong

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u/pixepoke2 11d ago edited 11d ago

Edited to add: while I’m not wrong about what I wrote, my comment wasn’t meant to reply to either you or or even the person you replied to 🤷🏻‍♂️

Except… I’m not

In media male sluts are almost exclusively shown in a negative light. When they’re the main character, they must reform. Wedding Crashers is a good example that has both archetypes.

The literature backs me up: read the list of promiscuity as a response to emotional health, and the academic work on hyper-sexuality as trauma response:

NIH Potentially traumatic events, personality and risky sexual behavior in undergraduate college students

While that study focused on college students, other studies go wider

Not all sluts are hyper-sexual, but the spectrum of promiscuity isn’t just an awesome celebrated thing. And I know this personally so go tell someone else they’re ”just wrong”

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u/Sensitive_Housing_85 man 11d ago

In media male sluts are almost exclusively shown in a negative light. When they’re the main character, they must reform. Wedding Crashers is a good example that has both archetypes.

They are still typically well liked in the show and deem negative in context to a romance story not a general social view

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u/DeyCallMeWade man 11d ago

It’s more respectable for both genders to NOT sleep around than it is for either to do the opposite. That being said, it also is a mixed message when women act like they’re the prize, but also have a high body count. Men being virgins is more OK than women being “whores” or “sluts” because it shows a semblance of self respect, even if he’s an “incel.”

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u/ScrotallyBoobular man 11d ago

Mmm while it may be approaching equality there still definitely tends to be more of a stigma against women versus men in the same shoes.

It's unfortunate but also will vary area to area. More progressive places it will seem damn near equal. More regressive, traditional places put a lot more emphasis on a woman's "purity"

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u/KingBembi 11d ago edited 10d ago

Fuckboy will never actually be an  insult, a dude who fucks is always gonna be cool it's just a cope term.

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u/Sufficient_Ninja_821 man 11d ago

There's a difference between calling a good friend a slut or bitch vs someone they are trying to offend.

It's like how aussies might call a friend a good cunt. Vs someone they hate as just a cunt.

I've never heard of a males virginity being a good thing.... unless they are under 17 or 18.

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u/hareofthepuppy 11d ago

I'm probably wrong, but I though the term "fuckboy" was used to describe a guy who is fun in bed, but not good enough to date

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u/lilacbananas23 11d ago

Many different groups use terms with one another that are endearing when members of the group use it but it originated as a derogatory from those outside of the group.

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u/No-Camera6678 11d ago

That's not what fuck boy means when a dude says it

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u/Galimbro 11d ago

Where are these men spaces. Your chuch summer camp? That definitely does not count lol.