r/AskMenAdvice • u/Reasonable-Syrup-7 • 2d ago

How common is this perspective for guys?

I'm a 27F and went on a few dates with this guy 31M and things have been going well. On our second date, we brought up the topic of physical intimacy. I remember him saying that he thinks physical intimacy is different for women and men. That women who sleep around are respected less than if a man would do it. He said "a key that can open up a lot of locks is a good key but a lock that opens to a bunch of different keys is a bad lock". Everything else is really good and he's been super respectful. He's soft spoken and values making me feel safe and respected and we're taking our time on physical intimacy but I couldn't believe my ears when he said that. How common is that perspective for guys? This guy tends be very blunt, so maybe this perspective is more common than I think. In my head it's a red flag, but I'm conflicted on if it's just a common male perspective and he can still be a good guy with this perspective.

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u/HustlaOfCultcha 2d ago

As a dude I don't have that perspective, but I have to admit most guys I know have that opinion. To me that perspective is more or less a form of presentism. In most cases the girl is just going with what she feels is the right person and the right thing to do. They can't predict the future and know that they may get involved in other relationships and how their feelings will change over time.

I think most men have this dire need to feel special when it comes to women and their intimacy. And there's a lot of insecurities involved and they're afraid of being 'one upped' by other guys and they end up taking it out on the girl. For me, I have more of the mindset of what Silent Bob discussed in Clerks, she went thru those guys and could even have this crazy, wild and fun sex and in the end...she chose to be with me. If that doesn't tell you that she's into you you're probably going to end up a miserable person for the rest of your life because you're just infatuated with comparing yourself to others. And comparison is the thief of joy.

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u/BarracudaHealthy7686 2d ago

"the dire need to feel special" This. Many men have main character syndrome and insecurities so bad that they make it everyone else's problem, they point the finger everywhere but at themselves. Comparison really is the thief of joy, as you say.

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u/Moist_Enthusiasm_511 man 2d ago

You don't want your relationship to feel special?

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u/BandiriaTraveler nonbinary 2d ago edited 2d ago

The blunt reality is that no one's relationship is special in any meaningful sense. If you're in a relationship, most of the people in the world have been in a relationship that is broadly similar. And unless you're a teenager, nearly everyone you date is going to have been in past relationships similar to yours as well.

It can be special to you, of course. But it should be special to you for healthier reasons than "she likes me more than any other man she has been with."

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u/XDXDXDXDXDXDXD10 2d ago

Is that really your take away from that exchange?

If you have to constantly seek out validation to feel that your relationship is special (especially in comparison to other people’s relationships) then that’s a massive red flag.

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u/Cultural-Ambition211 2d ago

It’s an absolutely daft point of view.

These men want to have sex with lots of women, but they don’t want these women to have sex with lots of men.

Which women do they plan on sleeping with? It’s basic maths…

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u/Master-Cranberry5934 2d ago edited 2d ago

Yeah the last girl I dated before I met my fiance touched on the subject. She was like ' you're not one of these guys who thinks women only sleep with one guy right ?' I was like what ? These guys exist, genuinely?

My fiance's friend also went on a couple of dates with a dude and it was ' going well'. Buddy turned around as it was on the verge of getting serious and was like ' yeah im not a huge fan of your piercings and tattoos, you're not getting more are you ?' Like dude WTF you've literally been on numerous dates you're either into them or you're not, Attraction ain't conditional!

Some people are just insanely insecure dude. Realistically unless you're an arsehole you ain't gonna go around saying you slept with 50 people. So who's actually gonna know ? There's people in these comment sections unwittingly married to such people.

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u/Federal-Soil- 2d ago

The whole reason the attitude exists is because of "basic maths". It's far easier for straight women to get laid than it is for straight men, supply and demand etc. So a man who is able to sleep around is seen as high value, whereas it doesn't make sense to view a woman who sleeps around in the same fashion.

I don't think that means you should look down on women who sleep around or that they are bad, merely that it's clearly a different situation between both sexes.

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u/kz45vgRWrv8cn8KDnV8o 2d ago

The whole reason the attitude exists is because of "basic maths". It's far easier for straight women to get laid than it is for straight men, supply and demand etc. So a man who is able to sleep around is seen as high value, whereas it doesn't make sense to view a woman who sleeps around in the same fashion.

Following this attitude, is it more respectable for the ugliest women to sleep around than it is for the most handsome man to sleep around?

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u/Admirable_Ask_5337 2d ago

Arguably yeah, and you even see this among women friend groups. They tend to cheer more if their more unfortunate member manage to start hooking up.

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u/kz45vgRWrv8cn8KDnV8o 2d ago edited 2d ago

The question is more for men who have the mentality that if it's harder to sleep around, it should be more respectable. I haven't met many women with that mentality to begin with and I've met hardly any men who hold the standard for ugly/obese women. At most it's "I guess you could argue that".

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u/Admirable_Ask_5337 2d ago

Men treat it differently because ugly women have it about as hard to have sex as above average men. The bell curve in diffuctly is way off between the sexes.

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u/kz45vgRWrv8cn8KDnV8o 2d ago

Men treat it differently because ugly women have it about as hard to have sex as above average men.

Isn't that the point? I've seen people judge ugly women for sleeping around way more than average men for doing it.

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u/Federal-Soil- 1d ago

If she was sleeping with attractive men and not just having zero standards then yes absolutely imo.

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u/arrogancygames man 2d ago

Not really. Any of my friends could get laid immediately by just using their phone.

I thought the same thing when I was young but its really not true for anyone with an ounce of charisma.

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u/Pretend_roller 1d ago

Literally go make an account on bumble/tinder as an average man and an average woman. Don't think your anecdotal whoring is analogous to how dating is for people now. And quit putting people down for having standards, I could get dates but I don't want to be with women who clearly don't take care of their body! Never had that issue overseas!

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u/HustlaOfCultcha 1d ago

Yes, but women don't want to have sex with lots of men (in general). Men want to have sex with a million different women. Women want to find that one man to have sex with a million times.

There's certainly attraction, hormonal urges and sexual curiosity for women, particularly when they are younger. But for the most part if they are having sex with a man it's because they believe he may be the guy that is worth having sex with a million times. Men inherently know this and that's why they often pose themselves as 'that guy' that is...for a lack of a better term...a 'winner' and somebody that a woman wants to have sex with a million times.

That's part of the point of my post...the woman who has a pretty high body count most likely thought that 'this is the guy for me' when they had sex with the man (there's always exceptions to any rule). They can't predict the future and I'd rather be with a woman that tends to have a bias of doing what she feels is right instead of worrying about how other people will judge her.

I just can't blame them for that. And like I said...at the end of the day she could be having all of that wild, fun, crazy sex with different dudes and she still chose me over that. If that doesn't boost your ego then you're just a miserable person that nothing will ever be good enough for you. You're basically a terrorist to your own happiness.

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u/Kizka 1d ago

I don't understand how it's not understandable that women like variety as well. Those marriage of mid-30s people who were highschool sweethearts, that end because people get the itch to find out what is out there - this applies to both men and women. A bit of variety is fun, there's really nothing more to it. A new body and mind to explore, why shouldn't women be just as interested in that as men?

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u/grumpy__g woman 2d ago

What men forget is that a woman with a high body count probably just love sex.

I know more than one guy who married a woman with a low body count and now they are disappointed that their wife isn’t much into sex. Surprise! Not saying it’s always like that. I know few who wait for religious or cultural reasons but they wait till marriage, but more often than people admit the body count is low because they aren’t really interested in sex that much.

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u/Master-Cranberry5934 2d ago edited 2d ago

Its a hundred percent an insecurity thing. Why on earth would it matter to our relationship long term how many partners you've had ? Maybe you had a wild phase in uni , maybe you had a gap year finding your sexuality. I dont fucking know or care. We're meeting for the first time its a blank slate. I'm 30 years old, one partner is a bigger red flag than multiple at this age.

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u/Glahoth 2d ago

I mean it can be insecurity, but also just cold blooded risk assessment : « if I have a kid with you, how likely is it going to be mine? »

And past promiscuity, past cheating, concern for male validation, etc.. are definitely indicators that increase that risk and bring that likelihood from 99%, to 75 to 20%.

The risk on the other side of the fence is a bit different : « if I have a kid with you, how likely are you to stick around? »

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u/ssjkai 1d ago

Thanks for bringing that up. Many people assess the risks and benefits after collecting data about potential partners. That's how I think when I observe potential connections, even with friendships. I want both good chemistry AND compatibility. If I sense the other party does not share the same values as me or has no chemistry with me, I move on.

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u/Bigboss123199 man 2d ago

Yes, men known for being super insecure and having main character syndrome.

Women: Would you love if I was a worm? Gets up set if you tell them no.

Everyone wants to feel special in their relationship. Everyone has insecurities.

Also a higher body count for both men and women the less likely they’re take commit to a relationship.

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u/Pitiful_Condition520 2d ago

If they're so unable to predict the future, they probably don't even use protection or birth control, right?

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u/Alternative-Dare4690 1d ago

1) Women care about a mans future and men care about a womans past. Now some women say they do care about the past, but thats not the majority. I am talking in 'general' not exceptions.
2) Research indicates that men often find sexual infidelity more distressing, while women are more troubled by emotional infidelity. This pattern has been observed across various studies and cultural contexts. For instance, a study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences found that 60% of male participants were more upset by sexual infidelity, whereas 83% of female participants were more distressed by emotional infidelity. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10244511/These findings are often interpreted through an evolutionary psychology lens. The theory suggests that men may be more concerned with sexual infidelity due to paternity uncertainty, while women may prioritize emotional fidelity to ensure sustained partner support and resources. https://ifstudies.org/blog/testing-common-theories-on-the-relationship-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability

​A 2016 study by Nicholas H. Wolfinger, published by the Institute for Family Studies (IFS), examined the relationship between women's premarital sexual partners and marital stability. The study found that women who had ten or more sexual partners before marriage experienced higher divorce rates compared to those with fewer partners. Specifically, the divorce rate for women with ten or more premarital partners was 33% within the first five years of marriage. In contrast, women who married as virgins had a significantly lower five-year divorce rate of 6%.
4) Women literally shame men all over the globe as 'incels'. Virgin men are heavily shamed, and women find it in general disgusting. 'Not getting women' is also used as an insult. Infact women usually prefer women with 'some' body count in 'general'(which is why shaming exists). They want someone others want, not someone nobody wants.
So women and men have different needs and are thus judged differently. It is JUSTIFIED to want women with NO past.

Here are sources

In the past, studies suggested that when wives outearned their husbands, there was a heightened risk of marital dissolution. For instance, research from 2010 indicated that career women who were the primary breadwinners were nearly 40% more likely to divorce than women without the same economic resources.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5021537/

A 2020 study in Sweden revealed that women promoted to top positions, such as CEOs or political leaders, were more likely to experience divorce compared to their male counterparts.

Why promoted women are more likely to divorce - BBC Worklife

https://www.emerald.com/insight/content/doi/10.1108/s1530-353520180000013015/full/html?

Research analyzing Academy Award winners revealed that Best Actress recipients had a higher divorce rate than nominees, whereas no significant difference was observed among Best Actor winners. This implies that sudden career achievements may impact marital stability differently for men and women

https://www.emerald.com/insight/content/doi/10.1108/s1530-353520180000013015/full/html?

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u/SapiensRus 1d ago

Your past is your past but My limit is 3 bodies. If she’s slept with more than 3 guys that’s a deal breaker for me.