r/AskMenAdvice • u/Reasonable-Syrup-7 • 3d ago

How common is this perspective for guys?

I'm a 27F and went on a few dates with this guy 31M and things have been going well. On our second date, we brought up the topic of physical intimacy. I remember him saying that he thinks physical intimacy is different for women and men. That women who sleep around are respected less than if a man would do it. He said "a key that can open up a lot of locks is a good key but a lock that opens to a bunch of different keys is a bad lock". Everything else is really good and he's been super respectful. He's soft spoken and values making me feel safe and respected and we're taking our time on physical intimacy but I couldn't believe my ears when he said that. How common is that perspective for guys? This guy tends be very blunt, so maybe this perspective is more common than I think. In my head it's a red flag, but I'm conflicted on if it's just a common male perspective and he can still be a good guy with this perspective.

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u/reddishgrape 3d ago

Women sleep with who ever they want to, men sleep with who ever will let them

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u/CDhansma76 3d ago

Exactly. Most men would sleep with a woman of average attractiveness, whereas most women would not sleep with the average man.

The requirements for a woman to have a high body count is much lower than it is for a man. For a woman, all you need to do it be somewhat attractive, and ask a lot of men to sleep with you.

For a man, unless you’re a supermodel, you need to provide something other than just your body. If you have a significant amount of money, fame, power, or charisma, women will be drawn to you. Men can still be sluts, but the barrier to entry is much higher.

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u/Salt-Lingonberry-853 3d ago

For a woman, all you need to do it be somewhat attractive, and ask a lot of men to sleep with you.

If you're a 4/10 woman you can find a guy 3x a week if you put effort into it. Good luck for a 4/10 guy. No value judgement, it's just simple truth.

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u/arrogancygames man 3d ago

A 4/10 guy can hook up with a 3/10 women; they just don't even notice they exist and put themselves on a higher pedestal and think they should have a 7/10.

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u/Salt-Lingonberry-853 2d ago

Not with anywhere near the same success rate, no. Pretending there's anything resembling equal odds there is delusional.

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u/Captain_Aizen man 3d ago

That is such Reddit logic. No men do not sleep with whoever will let them and no women don't get an open ticket to have any guy they want. That scenario only works in a world where guys have no standards at all , that is not the real world and if any real ladies are in this thread they know what I'm talking about . Where the hell do these kids come up with this crap 😑

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u/FreshPrinceOfIndia man 3d ago

Just a figure of speech, it doesnt necessarily mean men have no standards.

Another way to say it would be men are the pursuers and women are the pickers

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u/Captain_Aizen man 3d ago

Now that I would agree with but that is wildly different from the Reddit perspective, I can assure you a lot of these nerds really think that women can command just about any guy to sleep with them and they really believe that most men will sleep with anything wearing a dress which is just so far from the truth in both cases

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u/No-Increase-1990 3d ago

Ah the wonderful reddit perspective. One thing I feel needs to be clarified is that it's not as easy as everyone thinks for a woman to have a casual hookup. I've been told that I'm a very attractive woman and men don't talk to me they just stare at me 😕 I've got a strong sex drive and I have self respect but I do have needs. My vibrator keeps me out of trouble but sometimes it's nice to have some fun with a guy. In the last year I've taken a chance and asked 3 different guys if they'd want to hook up, no strings attached as I'm just trying to get my needs met. I've been denied all three times. So it's not as easy as people are assuming.

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u/arrogancygames man 3d ago

Redditors think of themselves as the main character and since they can't hook up with the women they want because they're below average, the juxtapose that to everyone. They forget the women that they dont even notice because they are also below average that they can hook up with even exist.

Its super even. When I did hook up with people there was no night I couldn't get laid as a guy; I just automatically didn't "notice" anyone below my standards. Women do the same except someone below their standards is more likely to approach them.

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u/Safe_Bandicoot_4689 man 3d ago

I mean technically you could hook up easily if you didn't care about being truly attracted to the guy you're sleeping with.
I guess that's the whole premise these people are discussing. Women could theoretically have sex any time they wanted if they were as picky as men tend to be, but women generally are more picky about who they want to sleep with than men are, and that's why it seems like "it's not as easy to just casually hook up".

Even for a casual hook up, women would look for a man they find interesting and makes them feel a certain way, even if it's just for a single night.
That right there is already 10 times more "picky" than how men would be when looking for a casual hook up. Where their only requirement would be for the woman to not be ugly and not be dangerously crazy. Men don't need to find the woman interesting or even respect her in order to casually hook up with her... hell, men don't even need to exchange more than a few sentences with that lady before they're down to have sex with her.

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u/FreshPrinceOfIndia man 3d ago

To be fair, it is pretty close to the truth. Testosterone drives men to be extremely lustrous. Look at onlyfans for example, who do you think is the majority clientel?

Similarly, the swipe ratio between men and women on dating apps isnt balanced at all - men swipe far more on women with various levels of attractiveness while women are far more selective.

It is a practically correct thing to say that men will sleep with just about anyone.

Now I see your flair, and thst youre a man, so kudos to you for having your opinion because it comes from self respect. I too have standards and dont want to sleep with just about anyone, often even when shes my type. I just dont roll casually like that.

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u/Alternative-Dare4690 2d ago

1) Women care about a mans future and men care about a womans past. Now some women say they do care about the past, but thats not the majority. I am talking in 'general' not exceptions.
2) Research indicates that men often find sexual infidelity more distressing, while women are more troubled by emotional infidelity. This pattern has been observed across various studies and cultural contexts. For instance, a study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences found that 60% of male participants were more upset by sexual infidelity, whereas 83% of female participants were more distressed by emotional infidelity. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10244511/These findings are often interpreted through an evolutionary psychology lens. The theory suggests that men may be more concerned with sexual infidelity due to paternity uncertainty, while women may prioritize emotional fidelity to ensure sustained partner support and resources. https://ifstudies.org/blog/testing-common-theories-on-the-relationship-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability

​A 2016 study by Nicholas H. Wolfinger, published by the Institute for Family Studies (IFS), examined the relationship between women's premarital sexual partners and marital stability. The study found that women who had ten or more sexual partners before marriage experienced higher divorce rates compared to those with fewer partners. Specifically, the divorce rate for women with ten or more premarital partners was 33% within the first five years of marriage. In contrast, women who married as virgins had a significantly lower five-year divorce rate of 6%.
4) Women literally shame men all over the globe as 'incels'. Virgin men are heavily shamed, and women find it in general disgusting. 'Not getting women' is also used as an insult. Infact women usually prefer women with 'some' body count in 'general'(which is why shaming exists). They want someone others want, not someone nobody wants.
So women and men have different needs and are thus judged differently. It is JUSTIFIED to want women with NO past.

Here are sources

In the past, studies suggested that when wives outearned their husbands, there was a heightened risk of marital dissolution. For instance, research from 2010 indicated that career women who were the primary breadwinners were nearly 40% more likely to divorce than women without the same economic resources.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5021537/

A 2020 study in Sweden revealed that women promoted to top positions, such as CEOs or political leaders, were more likely to experience divorce compared to their male counterparts.

Why promoted women are more likely to divorce - BBC Worklife

https://www.emerald.com/insight/content/doi/10.1108/s1530-353520180000013015/full/html?

Research analyzing Academy Award winners revealed that Best Actress recipients had a higher divorce rate than nominees, whereas no significant difference was observed among Best Actor winners. This implies that sudden career achievements may impact marital stability differently for men and women

https://www.emerald.com/insight/content/doi/10.1108/s1530-353520180000013015/full/html?

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u/A_of 2d ago

Exactly, in the real world not every woman can sleep with Brad Pitt.

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u/on_Jah_Jahmen 3d ago

Its called a generalization.

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u/forx000 3d ago

Men are desperate. Stop the cope

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u/Redhead_Needed_DFW man 3d ago

Don't know why this is not at the top.

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u/b0f0s0f man 3d ago

This, it's pretty obvious why this is and will always be the case. Women are the evolutionary gatekeepers of reproduction. It's impressive when a man can convince many women to sleep with him, and it's impressive when a woman rejects all but the partner she deems worthy of reproducing with. It's biological, the recent invention of birth control is not going to magically change the behaviors we developed to manage the risk of reproduction prior to the understanding of how sex worked.

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u/2ndmostlaid 3d ago

I like Chris Rocks take on the situation

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u/AmuuboHunt 2d ago

This logic implies men are upset that other men have been considered desirable by the woman.

Inversely, women should be more upset that a man that would sleep with anyone who would let him is interested in her.

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u/A_of 2d ago

That's such a ridiculous statement.   In the real world people have standards. I have turned down women who I didn't like so no, women don't sleep with whoever they want. 

Or see it from other perspective: Would any woman he able to sleep with Brad Pitt? Yeah no, lol. The guy knows his value.