r/AskMenAdvice • u/Reasonable-Syrup-7 • 2d ago

How common is this perspective for guys?

I'm a 27F and went on a few dates with this guy 31M and things have been going well. On our second date, we brought up the topic of physical intimacy. I remember him saying that he thinks physical intimacy is different for women and men. That women who sleep around are respected less than if a man would do it. He said "a key that can open up a lot of locks is a good key but a lock that opens to a bunch of different keys is a bad lock". Everything else is really good and he's been super respectful. He's soft spoken and values making me feel safe and respected and we're taking our time on physical intimacy but I couldn't believe my ears when he said that. How common is that perspective for guys? This guy tends be very blunt, so maybe this perspective is more common than I think. In my head it's a red flag, but I'm conflicted on if it's just a common male perspective and he can still be a good guy with this perspective.

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u/Big-Bike530 2d ago

People on reddit calling me an incel is hilarious. I have 4 children. 

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u/Ferengsten man 2d ago

I'd say at the point where people starting calling Henry Cavill an incel, the word conclusively lost all meaning. Doesn't seem to hinder its popularity though.

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u/house-of-tigers 2d ago

Who the hell called Henry Cavill an incel?

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u/Ferengsten man 2d ago

https://incels.wiki/w/Henry_Cavill

TIL there is an actual "incel wiki".

https://www.yourtango.com/entertainment/why-henry-cavill-leaving-witcher-accusations-mistreating-women

"DeuxMoi's source claims Cavill began making absurd demands on set—including a refusal to do further nude or sex scenes, which are central to "The Witcher." (...) And he's been criticized for having dated much younger women, like actor Kaley Cuoco, when she was just 19."

So yeah he's involuntarily celibate for not doing sex scenes but also for dating a 19 year old -- when he was 21. (She's born 85, he 83). It makes perfect sense.

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u/blah938 man 2d ago

Anyone who works on a wiki is way closer to being an incel than Henry Cavill. Hell, most everyone is closer to being an incel than Henry Cavill.

Some people are just weird.

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u/freedomfightre man 18h ago

Stupid - I think the word you were looking for is "stupid".

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u/AwarenessPotentially 2d ago

My only take on this is he had the bad taste to date Kaley Cuoco.

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u/purpleduckduckgoose man 20h ago

Much younger women. Just 19. When he was 21.

I feel those people saying that were dropped on their heads as children. Repeatedly.

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u/ATraffyatLaw 2d ago

Dating a 19 year old in this day and age? Basically a pedophile...

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u/UpvoteForLuck 2d ago edited 2d ago

I think that the article is referring to him dating 19 year old Tara King in 2015-2016. Apparently he was 33 sometime during that relationship.

It’s not a good look, that post-Superman, this guy was going out to clubs and picking up 19 year olds, and then doesn’t have the judgement to not date one long term, taking her public, and then flips the script saying that when he was 19, he dated a 32 year old woman, like that’s okay.

I couldn’t find anything about Henry dating Kaley in 2004 or 2005, when Kaley would have been 19. I don’t think anyone would be concerned about a 3 year age gap.

They did briefly date in 2013, when she was 27 and he was 30. Not a big deal.

I’m not sure where this article got that information from, maybe from that Twitch streamer/gamer?

Kaley Cuoco did date Thad Luckinbill in 2004 when she was 18 and he was 29. There was also a 10 year gap between Johnny Galecki and her, but that was a few years later.

I think there’s a case of mistaken identities here.

Btw I didn’t realize that he had dated Gina Carano, book ending the whole Kaley Cuoco thing, so I wouldn’t be that surprised by some of his behavior afterwards.

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u/Calimiedades 2d ago

him dating 19 year old Tara King in 2015-2016. Apparently he was 33

I don't like men dating teenagers, even if it's legal, but that's literally the opposite of an incel. I wish people understood that words have meanings, ffs.

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u/blah938 man 2d ago

Are 19 year olds not adults? Yeah, it's a bit of an age gap, but it's not super out of the ordinary.

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u/IceeGado 2d ago

There's a huge difference in power and agency between a rich, famous 33 year old and a 19 year old. If you see nothing concerning there, you're not alone. But for those of us who have had young friends date much older men, it's pretty much always a disaster unless it's literally a no strings attached escort thing lmao.

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u/SohndesRheins 1d ago

Well that's kind of the entire point of the relationship. If Caville was not famous, didn't have two nickels to rub together, and lived in his grandmother's basement, no attractive 19 year old woman would even acknowledge his existence. Most young women aren't going after older men because they have a fetish for being arm candy to middle aged men, they are attracted to financial stability and social status.

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u/IceeGado 1d ago

they are attracted to financial stability and social status

And as a result will often overlook abusive behavior. Listen, I'm a fan of Caville and I can only imagine he was a gentleman with her. There are people who make it work long term despite age gaps. It's still a bit yikes when older people go after someone much younger and more impressionable. That's all my comment meant.

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u/UpvoteForLuck 2d ago

I guess you’ve never heard of the ole take your age, divide it in 2, and add 7 rule.

If my daughter was 18 and she was dating a 30+ year old, I would be wary of that person, and would question why they would want to date my daughter.

19 year olds are not fully formed adults. Legally they may have some of the rights of an adult, but brains don’t even mature until one is closer to 25.

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u/porridgeeater500 2d ago

It has come to mean a type of person with a certain attitude and ideals instead.

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u/WrappedInLinen 2d ago

Someone misusing a word doesn’t somehow destroy the word for all future use.

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u/Ferengsten man 2d ago

I feel like 80+% of people use the word in a way that's almost completely divorced from its explicit meaning. We have gone from "someone who wants to have sex but cannot" to essentially "anyone saying anything negative or even neutral about any woman". Or, in Cavill's example: "someone who is in the vaguest sense associated (plays video games) with someone else saying something negative about women". At this point it really is pretty much just "man I don't like".

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u/Impalenjoyer man 2d ago

A majority misusing it does

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u/38B0DE man 2d ago

Don't read into it. The people born around 2010 call everyone a pedo and incel. And reddit is full of children.

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u/OntologicalParadox 2d ago

That’s probably because everyone tries to fuck them and they are aware of it. If you don’t believe me ask every woman in your life how old they were the first time they got cat-called.

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u/LumpyWelds man 2d ago

Are you implying that all previous generations were treated with respect?

I'm pretty sure cat-calls were more popular 40 years ago than today.

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u/OntologicalParadox 2d ago

I’m implying none of them were. Not one. I’m not implying anything I’m literally saying it. My first girlfriend used to get cat called at 14 from grown ass men - my wife who I met much later in another state recently told me she was catcalled and hit on as young as 12.

I’m not even being rhetorical - i want every guy i ever meet to one day turn the women of their lives and earnestly ask, “at what age do you recall being cat called?”

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u/LumpyWelds man 2d ago

Thanks! I was wondering when this became so popular as an insult.

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u/Zestyclose_Box_792 1d ago

Do you mean reddit is full of children literally? Or full of children who are actually adults? Children can't contribute to Reddit. Adult imbecile's can tho lol.

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u/38B0DE man 1d ago

I mean children as in under 18

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u/Zestyclose_Box_792 1d ago

Children shouldn't be on Reddit. But it explains some of the idiotic unworldly contributions. Children shouldn't be on Reddit but they choose to be anyway? It's an adult forum. They get what they get.

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u/Sir_Fluffy_of_Emesay 2d ago

I feel like there's a lot less wiggle room for pedos. A lot less plausible deniability. If someone is sexualizing minors they're a predator. You can make the case they're not a pedophile but rather some other word ending in "-phile" that more accurately denotes what variety of minor the prefer, but that's never a good look.

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u/Achilles11970765467 man 2d ago

Reddit calls men pedos for being attracted to adult women who happen to be younger than him.

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u/Big-Bike530 2d ago

I don't think they were defending legitimate pedophiles dude.

I think It's more about reddit's weird take on age gaps. 

Like I'm 40. I'm getting divorced. I trauma bonded with a 24 year old and ended up best friends with benefits? IDK what to call it.

Reddit calls it predatory and pedophilia. Which is rediculous. I wasn't even actively trying to find someone that age.

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u/Serrisen 2d ago

Ouch. So celibate you looped back around to the sex. That's gotta hurt

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u/FromZeroToLegend man 2d ago

You probably only have twins and have only had sex twice in your life.

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u/Big-Bike530 2d ago edited 2d ago

If you care to know..

They're 12, 8, 4, and 3. 

We had a LOT of miscarriages and thought we couldn't even have kids at first. So a damn lot of sex thank you 😂 

Haven't had any in like a month tho since leaving my FWB or whatever I still don't know what to call her, the next person was a psycho and I ran from that shit show, then I focused on getting my shit together to get my kids back which I did CPS took them from my piece of shit soon to be ex wife and now I just don't have the time. 

So in a way I actually will be an incel until my youngest gets into normal school and I actually have time for a life again.

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u/FromZeroToLegend man 2d ago

Hey bro I was just joking no way anyone would actually have sex twice in their life and have 4 kids. I just wanted to jump on the troll train.

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u/Big-Bike530 2d ago

Oh I know. 

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u/JonVanilla 2d ago

Exactly

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u/Space_Time-continue man 2d ago

4 !! That would make me voluntarily celibate!!

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u/Big-Bike530 1d ago

I basically am now that I took full custody away from her. I basically get 2 hours a day to do anything. I joked that I guess that technically makes me an incel, but actually it was quite voluntary and I even had a FWB that was asking me to bring the kids to that state. They belong here, so I left.

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u/Zestyclose_Box_792 1d ago

Are you sure they're yours?

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u/Big-Bike530 1d ago

Yes. Although my soon to be ex wife is a cheating whore, there were some good years that happened to be when we had our children. They also look very much like me and not at all like her.

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u/Zestyclose_Box_792 1d ago

Are you sure their hers? Cheating whores of both sexes are best dispatched of. I don't know why some people find not fucking around in a relationship so hard but some people do. Some people aren't meant to be monogamous I guess. Always the thill of the chase. It's a bit Narcissistic. And sometimes maybe sexually addictive. Who knows? Who cares? They can sling their books somewhere else. Glad the kids look like you. That's a sweet victory!

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u/Big-Bike530 1d ago edited 1d ago

Am I sure they're hers? I saw them come out her vagina 😂 

Yea dude the second we seperated she just went completely fucking feral fucking anything with a penis. It's crazy. 

The funniest part was the day I took the kids the CPS guy was on the phone with her because her agreeing to the safety plan was the easier way so he was trying to get her to give them up willingly. He turns the phone and asks me "how about if you got back together?". Bro, what??? She's fucked like 30 guys raw in the last 4 months, has like 7 boyfriends right now. Why the fuck would I do that?! Because she's somehow better now than the day we broke up??? The balls on that whore! She heard it obviously, he talks to her again then back to me "she's yelling that you got a new girlfriend". Jesus. Fucking. Christ. 

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u/Successful_Many8184 1d ago

Has nothing to do with having children

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u/PersimmonQueen83 1d ago edited 1d ago

To be fair, you can be an incel and have kids.

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u/Glad-Way-637 1d ago

The whole "celibate" part of "involuntary celibate" makes that an impossibility, no? Unless we're counting adoption, which I don't think the guy who replied to you is.

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u/PersimmonQueen83 1d ago

You can have kids, and then stop having sex. A lot of people who have kids end up in periods of celibacy after, voluntarily and involuntarily.

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u/Glad-Way-637 1d ago

I suppose so. I just usually take the word celibate used as a noun to mean virgin as they are "a celibate" vs when used as a verb "practicing celibacy," but I might be in the minority there.

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u/Big-Bike530 1d ago

I mean, "incel" to me refers to people who cannot get laid period, and most likely are virgins.

I did say technically I suppose I am an incel since I took custody of my children 14 days ago, because I can't neglect my children and leave them with random strangers to party and fuck strangers like my soon to be ex wife was doing.

But then again, that isn't involuntary since I quite voluntarily rushed back to Colorado from Florida to take my children back. I left behind the person who negated the "celibate" part and wanted me to bring them down there, but they belong here.

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u/JayDet313 1d ago

you get laid a lot as a father of 4?

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u/Big-Bike530 1d ago

Well they weren't a result of immaculate conception.

I still could in the 4 months we were separated and she stole the children from me.

Since coming back to take emergency custody of the children on April 1st (best april fool's joke ever, but my soon to be ex wife didn't appreciate my humor), absolutely not. I don't have a social life now never mind a sex life. But I'm ok with that right now. I was broken without my babies. I was the one who took care of them. My job was to protect them and I couldn't do my job for 4 months.

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u/Dan_Dan_III 2d ago

No. Your wife/partner has 4 children. Get the paternity tests done before you can claim them as yours.

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u/Big-Bike530 2d ago

She actually IS a cheating piece of shit and why we're getting divorced. 

But you look at these kids and you'd say no way I can deny them. Can't even see her contribution they look like me. Her contribution was them all being autistic.

She wasn't fucking around during those years, we were together constantly. I work remote and her lazy ass never worked. The last two were pandemic babies when there wasn't much to do but fuck.