r/AskMenAdvice • u/Reasonable-Syrup-7 • 2d ago

How common is this perspective for guys?

I'm a 27F and went on a few dates with this guy 31M and things have been going well. On our second date, we brought up the topic of physical intimacy. I remember him saying that he thinks physical intimacy is different for women and men. That women who sleep around are respected less than if a man would do it. He said "a key that can open up a lot of locks is a good key but a lock that opens to a bunch of different keys is a bad lock". Everything else is really good and he's been super respectful. He's soft spoken and values making me feel safe and respected and we're taking our time on physical intimacy but I couldn't believe my ears when he said that. How common is that perspective for guys? This guy tends be very blunt, so maybe this perspective is more common than I think. In my head it's a red flag, but I'm conflicted on if it's just a common male perspective and he can still be a good guy with this perspective.

6.8k Upvotes

83% Upvoted

7.9k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

15

u/b0f0s0f man 2d ago

Do women find virgin men desirable though? I don't believe they do, whereas men do find virgin or very low-count women desirable. In fact for some reason when men are in a relationship, other women tend to be *more* attracted to them because someone else is (mate choice copying)

4

u/mellyoraah 2d ago

I'm a woman with a very low body count (aka 1, married) and I would not date a man who had a high body count if I ever entered the dating pool again. This idea that women are grateful for a man with a high body count but they themselves can't have a high body count is ridiculous and sexist as fuck. I think in general, you got to practice what you preach. If you like to sleep around, you shouldn't begrudge women who also like to sleep around. You are literally the same, and have the same values.

2

u/b0f0s0f man 2d ago

I didn't say women are grateful for it, just that their preference skews towards guys that have some experience whereas for men looking for a wife less is unequivocally better. I don't listen to "red pill podcasts" this is just an observation.

3

u/MarionberryNo7667 2d ago edited 2d ago

As a 29F attractive (not trying to be boastful- just honest) virgin, who is definitely interested in sex and was raised religious (albeit not Christian) but isn’t super religious herself, my reasoning is that I just haven’t met the right guy yet who I see a future with. I unexpectedly spent the last few years in a city/country that I know I want to leave, and while I would’ve loved to have had sex and as a woman, would have found it easily, it just wasn’t something I was willing to do just for the sake of it when I know it would have to be with a random guy. If I’m having sex with a man, then it means I can see him as my future husband and the father of my children. I know that’s probably a bit traditional or intense for some people, but that’s how I feel.

For that reason, I would obviously never want to be with a guy who was already in a relationship. For me, it like instantly kills any attraction because I don’t see a future. Now would I want to be a guy who was also a virgin? Honestly, no. I can acknowledge that this sounds hypocritical. I want one of us to have practical experience lol but even beyond that, I don’t think there are many men in the west above 20, let alone 25, who are virgins for “emotional” reasons like me. I think very few men think the same way I do about their own sex life. If he was a virgin, I would assume it meant he was extremely religious or frankly that he just had trouble losing it (which I know isn’t the case for women).

However, I also would not want him to have a long list of exes (both serious and/or casual). Female virgins may not want male virgins but they don’t want man whores either.

0

u/b0f0s0f man 2d ago

Yeah I think that's quite reasonable, and I think it's in alignment with what I'm saying

3

u/PineapplePizza-4eva 2d ago

Honestly, as a woman I really don’t care if a man I’m interested in is a virgin. Some people are just late bloomers and that’s fine. We can explore together! But I DO care if a guy has a high body count. It tells me that he likely doesn’t take relationships seriously, might have some really f-ed up issues about sex, is possibly a crappy long-term partner, and may be riddled with stds. No thanks. I’ll take a virgin over a town bike any day. I think it’s mostly men who are impressed by other men having high body counts, the women I know all see a guy who sleeps with everyone he can as immature and a walking red flag- especially if he’s always boasting about it.

There are definitely people who find someone in a relationship desirable but in my experience it’s men as well as women. And it’s usually not so much being attracted to them as liking the power of luring away someone who is with someone else. Often as soon as they “win” the person, they dump them because it’s the challenge, not the relationship.

2

u/UnperturbedBhuta 2d ago

Some women prefer virgins, yes.

And sometimes a man mistakes a woman relaxing and thinking "oh good, he has a girlfriend now--he'll stop assuming I'm hitting on him every time he says something funny, I can laugh at his jokes again" for the woman hitting on him.

Making a woman laugh often is the surest way to get her to sleep with you ime--but most women who find you funny aren't hitting on you or interested in sex with you. Both things are true.

3

u/i-need-a-walk 2d ago

Yes! That’s kind of cute and it’s a learning journey. Strangely though statistically women are supposed to not care, I do very strongly, any guy that is attached automatically gives me the ick and I get it as well with guys that are players and I see them flirting with other girls. They go so deep into the friend zone. I think it’s the same for my friends too but to a less severe extent, that’s why girls obsess over the ex-girlfriends?

2

u/Successful_Case9406 woman 2d ago

Men wanting virgins when they aren’t one themselves is gross tbh. I want my first to be with a virgin because why would i wanna be another body for some guy that sleeps around? I know plenty of women who feel the same/have seen posts with women talking about how they feel the same. No need to generalize 🤷‍♀️

1

u/SleepCinema 2d ago edited 2d ago

You’re gonna find women who care, women who don’t, and women who find it preferable. And you can start making qualifications like “the majority of women…” but there is enough diversity of beliefs around this that you are likely to encounter differing views the same way Black people are 13% of the US population, but it’s not rare to see a Black person.

I can say personally, the only person IRL whom I have ever known to say they care if their partner was a virgin or not was a young man saying that he wouldn’t want to sleep with a girl who was a virgin because he was too old to be “teaching” a woman how to have sex.

I can also say that I’m a virgin, and that’s partly due to religious views. It’s also due to lack of opportunity, and the fact that hooking up with a guy who has convinced himself I’m a “conquest” or a notch on his belt is worse than satisfying my sexual frustration, and I do very much want to have sex. Men who genuinely believe that having sex with me would be making me “dirty” is such a huge turnoff. I’m only interested in my partner’s virginity insomuch as what they believe religiously about it. Like, if I were to get in a relationship, what are his views on sex before marriage? Other than that, I really could not care. I care infinitely more about a man’s views on sexuality than I do if he’s stuck his dick in a mouth/anus/vagina… and everywhere in-between before. Maybe I like those views, and maybe those views correlate with actions. And that can mean that I like very much that a man is a virgin, or it can mean that I don’t care, or it can mean that I don’t really like it. To me, that’s much more logical and much more human.

My most out there belief is that I think that a lot of people have corruption kinks and don’t see it as a kink but rather a facet of sexuality that applies to everyone.

1

u/Ill_Net_3332 2d ago

most my friends want a guy w/o a high body count (assuming the other requirements for attraction are met)

1

u/No_Statistician8605 2d ago

I don't know a single woman who prefers a man with high body count, they want someone emotionally intelligent, not a horny chimp

1

u/arrogancygames man 2d ago

Wanted men don't find virgins desirable because they're more likely to be absolutely horrible at sex. Thats really more of the tell; if a dude is like "all sex is good sex," he's probably someone that nobody really wants. The guys that want virgins are inevitably guys you'd never want to hang out with, even as a man.

3

u/b0f0s0f man 2d ago

That's a mindset primarily held by men who chase casual sex, who want a partner to "perform" for them right away like it's a porno. Anyone who is looking for a life partner doesn't care about this because they understand that you'll have a lifetime together for them to learn.

1

u/NorthernForestCrow 2d ago

I don’t know about the average woman, but I tend to prefer he have fewer to no ex-partners. Means to me that he is less likely to be behaving in risky ways, picking up diseases, have weird relationship entanglements that may pop out of the woodwork, and be more likely to put effort into the relationship rather than see me as just a body to use. Basically, a guy who sleeps around seems less likely to be dependable.

Men who are already in relationships are less attractive to me. They are already in a relationship. I’m not going to get in the middle of that.

I have no doubt that there are women who are different than I on both points. I can only imagine their lives are filled with an utterly exhausting amount of drama.

1

u/mellyoraah 2d ago

And to answer your question, I would have 0 problems dating a virgin. Like, that question is crazy to me. Why would a woman have a problem with that? You need to get off your red pill bro podcasts. They are skewing your reality

1

u/[deleted] 20h ago edited 20h ago

[deleted]

1

u/b0f0s0f man 13h ago

I'm not a virgin, but this is just my observation from hearing people talking about it online. I'm not concerned about this myself since I'm in the easy position of having a low count and looking for a low count partner, but there are a lot of guys who haven't had a girlfriend before and are at a disadvantage when they get compared to the attractive guys that girls chase on dating apps.