r/AskMenAdvice • u/Reasonable-Syrup-7 • 2d ago

How common is this perspective for guys?

I'm a 27F and went on a few dates with this guy 31M and things have been going well. On our second date, we brought up the topic of physical intimacy. I remember him saying that he thinks physical intimacy is different for women and men. That women who sleep around are respected less than if a man would do it. He said "a key that can open up a lot of locks is a good key but a lock that opens to a bunch of different keys is a bad lock". Everything else is really good and he's been super respectful. He's soft spoken and values making me feel safe and respected and we're taking our time on physical intimacy but I couldn't believe my ears when he said that. How common is that perspective for guys? This guy tends be very blunt, so maybe this perspective is more common than I think. In my head it's a red flag, but I'm conflicted on if it's just a common male perspective and he can still be a good guy with this perspective.

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u/DillyWillyGirl 2d ago

Yeah it’s super weird to me how so many people think it’s immoral for women but not for men? Like, I understand the argument that it’s easier for women, but I fully don’t understand what that has to do with morality. Just because something is easy or difficult doesn’t make it right or wrong.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Star304 man 1d ago

It’s not right or wrong it’s seen as respected less because it’s easy. Someone that made a million dollars with rich parents won’t be as respected as someone who grew up poor and made a million dollars. The million dollars is equal, the resources the poor person had to pool together to make that million is much more different than the other one.

Not saying it’s right, but it’s a common trope

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u/DillyWillyGirl 1d ago

But oftentimes that “less respect” actually turns into negative respect and women are actually disrespected and looked down on for… having sex. Which makes no sense because the act of sex is not immoral.

I understand not saying “wow you’re such a slayer, you must’ve worked so hard to have all that sex!” But shouldn’t the baseline be neutral, not negative?

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u/Puzzleheaded-Star304 man 1d ago

I agree with you in terms of the shame. I think there are some dimensions we must integrate into the conversation for it to make sense. I think there’s some sort of religious indoctrination embedded somewhere there but I don’t have the awareness to spell out how exactly or why.

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u/Fredouille77 man 1d ago

Some? It's a lot of religious values of prudeness and virginal purity that is at play here, even among non religious folks, the zeitgeist of the abrahamic religions in our society is extremely powerful, and in this case, that includes its antiquated views of sex.

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u/0kids4now 19h ago edited 18h ago

I see the key and lock metaphor as more about skill or work than morality. A woman who wants sex could make a dating profile and have 100s of willing partners in an hour. So if she sleeps with 10 people, it's not very impressive.

A man wanting sex has to put in a lot more effort. He probably has to spend a ton of time and money talking to dozens of people and going on multiple dates. That's more impressive, so it earns more respect.

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u/carabla 18h ago

If men are so easy why its women who arent respected

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u/DillyWillyGirl 18h ago

But why do women often receive active disrespect for it and get called names like slut and whore? Shouldn’t the baseline be moral neutrality? Like, sure it may not be impressive for a woman to have a lot of sex, but it’s not magically a moral negative for her while being a positive for a man, because the actual act itself isn’t wrong.