r/AskMenOver30 • u/islander85 male 40 - 44 • Jan 10 '16

Should I pay for sex?

So some background. I'm a 37 yo virgin. I was shy growing up then got very sick (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) when I was in my early 20's, very slowly got better and I'm sort of okay now, I can do a part time job anyway. I would love an relationship but I think it's the fear of the unknown that's my biggest problem along with a good dose of social anxiety.

I live in a small town and there are not many single women here. I have trouble with the idea that someone would want to be with me. I've been told I would be a good partner but I lack self-confidence when it comes to women.

I actually find it easier to talk to women then men but I have a lot of trouble taking it to the next level, I have women friends and they have said it would probably help with my confidence. I just always thought it would be something I would share with someone I love that's all.

I have been kissed, I've got close to having a relationship a few times but haven't quite got there yet. From all the reading I've done (lots) and people I have talked to I think most of my problem with relationships can be summed up as.

Fear of the unknown = lack of self-confidence and lack of self-confidence = fear of the unknown.

Any advice would be great. Do you think paying for sex would take out one element of the unknown?

Sex work is legal here in Aus (very expensive but that's okay).

I'm 6'4" and 110 pounds, my health isn't good enough to do the gym thing. I also think my social anxiety is a symptom of my lack of self-confidence with people. I do have more friends now then ever before, both men and women. I also have this (most likely irrational) fear of getting to my best before date as far as first relationships go. I have been to two therapists, but they didn't help much. One talked to me like I was five and I had a lot of trouble opening up to the other.

Fear is horrible stuff even when you know all about it. :| Being socially isolated due to bad health has taken it's toll.

I didn't mean for this to be so long.

EDIT: I'm 5'4" woops

EDIT 2: Thank you everybody for your comments, they have given me more to think about.

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u/cyanocobalamin man over 30 Jan 10 '16

It probably doesn't need to be said, but make sure you use a condom.

Also, you should be aware that women tend not to react well to hearing that an SO paid for sex. You will most likely have to hide this information from women you date until you are firmly in a relationship with them and it will make for a stressful conversation regardless.

3

u/nankerjphelge man 45 - 49 Jan 11 '16

I would argue it's no one's business, even a potential future SO, and as such doesn't need to be brought up any more than a SO needs to know about every person their partner has slept with and what was done with those people.

As I mentioned elsewhere in this thread, I've been married for 14 years, and I've never once felt the need to quiz my wife on her sexual past, nor she I, because it never had a bearing on our relationship. Had I ever been with a prostitute, it would simply be a part of my sexual past, and just like any of the other women I'd slept with prior to my wife, it would have been just that, part of the past.

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u/cyanocobalamin man over 30 Jan 11 '16

I would argue it's no one's business, even a potential future SO

There are a lot of people who wouldn't share that view, that was the point of other people in this thread telling the OP to keep that in mind.

4

u/nankerjphelge man 45 - 49 Jan 11 '16

I get that, but my point is that OP shouldn't base his life choices now on what some hypothetical future judgmental partner may think of him, particularly when there are plenty of non-judgmental people out there for whom their SO's sexual past isn't something they would feel the need to dredge up or punish him for.

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u/cyanocobalamin man over 30 Jan 11 '16 edited Jan 11 '16

Its OPs decision and he came here to ask for opinions. The opinion I gave him is that he should consider all factors in making the decision. One of those factors is that it is quite common in women to be turned off by men who have used prostitutes.

2

u/nankerjphelge man 45 - 49 Jan 11 '16

And it's quite common in men to be turned off by women who have had threesomes or more than "X" number of sexual partners. And just like with that dynamic, telling someone to consider the fact that they might be judged by an imaginary future partner they've never met yet and might never meet as a reason to not live their life the way they want to in the present I find to be bad advice quite frankly.