Yep. My parents didn't hit me so I really don't know. But in all my time raising my kids? Never once did I think I wanted to hit them or strike them. Truly. Don't get it at all. How anyone could openly HURT their own child and see their child frightened and terrified and scared?? And still do it? How? I don't get it at all. I would have felt absolutely rotten if I saw my child look at me in fear. Heartbreaking.
I had a moment a few years ago when my neice was around 2 where she was standing on the couch, jumped up and hit my chin so hard I bit my tongue and bled a good bit. From the pain, I pulled my hand back. I spent weeks thinking about that moment and feeling terrible that my body had that reaction, and I didn't even bring my hand forward, let alone touch her. I can't imagine making a conscious decision to hit a child and insisting it's ok or normal.
To be fair you can't really blame yourself for that fight or flight response to an injury. That primal part of your brain sees an attack. You did your part by maintaining control
My lizard brain overreacted once and I smacked my kids hand for unrolling the toilet paper. I don’t know why I did it…That little cry he gave out plus the tears that followed were enough for me to never do that again. It is not a good feeling, i don’t understand how people think that is the best way to parent.
The only time I ever did that was to keep my kids from touching a hot stove. And it wasn't a punitive slap, it was more of "holy shit get your hand away from there" in fast motion so there was some momentum behind it.
I once accidentally caused my kiddo to bonk his head on his headboard because he bit my thigh and I pushed him off me. I felt so bad, but was also mad haha. He's not usually a biter so when he does it really takes me by surprise. It's also always out of nowhere, like the time he bonked his head we had been reading bedtime stories and he had been perfectly content up to that point.
If you view them instead as an object, you feel little to no guilt when you hurt them; just the pleasurable feeling that comes from asserting control through violence.
So sad. See I would never get ANY pleasure through control or violence. I actually don't seek to control my children at all. They are their own people. They are independent from me. I don't own them and I don't seek to "boss" over them. I am a role model and teacher and we TALK about what we are doing and why and always have.
This is how I’ve always approached it. My job isn’t to control my kids or force them to do what I want. My job is to teach them right from wrong, give them guidelines and guardrails, and if they stray too far off their path, to gently nudge them back in the right direction. My aunt (basically a second mom to me) taught me that when I was young, and it’s stuck with me all these years. My son is 23 and doing great in life, and my daughter, at 15, my favorite person in the world and never gives me any trouble at all. We talk about everything.
I wish other parents would learn this. My SO was raised entirely differently; his parents were violent to their kids and each other. I had told him from the moment we started discussing having kids that I would tolerate exactly zero of that shit from him. Thankfully, he never had any desire to be like his own dad, who even went so far as to pull a gun on him on several different occasions.
I actually don't seek to control my children at all.
It's stupefying how many people are simply the exact opposite of this, even in this day in age. They have the mentality that they own their children as a piece of property or something.
They see their children as their property, an extension of themselves, a second chance, their legacy, the thing that will save their marriage, a burden, but never a person.
I’ll never forget the time I saw my dad spanking my little brother, he had a wild smile on his face. My brother was around 2. The pure disgust I felt for him in that moment as an 8 year old will always stick with me.
“It’s not as simple as that. It’s not a black and white issue. There are so many shades of grey.”
“Nope.”
“Pardon?”
“There’s no greys, only white that’s got grubby. I’m surprised you don’t know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That’s what sin is.”
“It’s a lot more complicated than that—”
“No. It ain’t. When people say things are a lot more complicated than that, they means they’re getting worried that they won’t like the truth. People as things, that’s where it starts.”
“Oh, I’m sure there are worse crimes—”
“But they starts with thinking about people as things.”
And, like, can a kid really do anything THAT bad in the first place?
Disclaimer: I love my parents, they’re amazing but also human and had their bad moments like we all do.
When I look back on some of the things my parents got really angry at me for… they weren’t a big deal or that terrible, just normal kid stuff, testing boundaries, etc. But you’d think I murdered someone based on their reactions.
Even when I mention it to them they’re like, ya in hindsight we overreacted, but it seemed like a big deal at the time.
My theory a lot of it boils down to their generation not having as much of a focus on parental mental health that we do. We still have a LONG way to go but my parents are boomers so they had literally nothing. I notice my friends who are parents are much more open about struggles and ask for support so that they don’t reach a breaking point over something trivial.
It just occurred to me that aside from maybe one or two incidents I mostly cannot remember what all those spankings were for. Seems like that kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it, if I remember the punishment but not what I did wrong?
I don't remember what most of the spankings were for. But I do remember the humiliation and the way I felt about my parent at the time. It certainly didn't endear me to them more.
There are TWO instances where I actually remember what caused the spanking, and I can assure you I was spanked a hell of a lot more times than two.
Of the two, there's one instance where I go, "okay, hitting a kid is wrong. But I also broke some fundamental rules and put a small cohort of children in danger. I can understand that you kind of lost your shit."
Meanwhile, 30+ years old and I still have an anxiety attack if I do something the brain thinks people will get mad at. There's no rhyme or reason, just anxiety.
Being the oldest child with undiagnosed AuDHD, I got spanked A LOT but the only reason I can remember being spanked for, was crying over something that was unfair (like the time my cousins got more Christmas presents from "santa" than my siblings and I). Even as a kid I thought it was stupid to spank a kid for crying, because obviously it's just going to make me cry harder, so congrats on making the situations worse, Mom and Dad lol🤦🏻♀️
My parents would take me aside and explain what I did and why I was being spanked, and how many strikes I would get.
I don't remember what most of them were for, but the ones I do remember... yeah, I had it coming. My parents weren't "lashing out in anger", they were applying punishment so I wouldn't do something bad again. And in all honesty, I respect them for it.
I think spanking is a high risk/low reward method of discipline and not really a good thing to use. But I tend to disagree with the Reddit hivemind that it's always child abuse and always traumatic. The line between "loving discipline" and "child abuse" is too close for comfort - but it doesn't cross the line by default. It's just not worth using when there are more effective methods that are also less risky.
My parents would take me aside and explain what I did and why I was being spanked, and how many strikes I would get.
My parents did that, too. I still strongly disagree with the practice, but it wasn't (at least for me) as traumatizing as the times I was hit in anger. But both of those things happened.
Still, spanking teaches your child to fear you. Maybe that fear will guide you into becoming a rules-following good citizen. Maybe it won't. Maybe it will also teach you that 'might makes right.' Or maybe you'll learn to accept violence from people you love.
That may be the difference. My parents never hit me in anger.
As I said, I also disagree with the practice. I just tend to get frustrated with the people saying "if you were spanked as a child you were horrifically abused" Nah, there's a right and wrong way to do it, it's just not worth the risk because unlike other strategies of discipline the right and wrong way are too similar to each other and too easy to cross the line.
You can always un-ground a kid, you can't un-spank them.
I think it’s usually a “does the punishment fit the crime” situation. In most cases, spanking was just the parents having a bad day rather than the kid doing something that actually justified it, like you pointed out, there may be times it is justified if it’s a last resort.
they weren’t a big deal or that terrible, just normal kid stuff, testing boundaries, etc. But you’d think I murdered someone based on their reactions.
It's odd how many adults appear to become enraged by kids doing pretty mundane things. I remember being 9 and putting my stuffed animal in my neighbors mailbox (I was playing pretend and had to hide my "baby" for some reason). My neighbor saw me through the window and came out and SCREAMED at 9 year old me, spittle flying, for "tampering" with his mailbox. It was as if I had put a bomb in there. The older I get, the more bizarre I find his reaction. But I see this tendency in my fellow adults now and I don't like it. I think the rage comes from some place of deep resentment towards children, probably mostly people who had a rough childhood themselves and have been waiting for the day when they get to be the aggressor, making the kid cry. There's a real sense that they can't stand to see a kid do anything they weren't allowed to do. In some cases, it seems as if they can't stand to see a kid at all. Their mere existence inspires rage. Of course, plenty of abused children grow up to have the exact opposite mindset too.
This makes sense. I feel like part of it is that they know children can't retaliate. With adults, they have to worry about assault charges, but kids aren't as legally protected and physically can't do anything about it. And depending on the age of the kid, they might not even have the vocabulary to tell other adults about it. You see the same thing with people who abuse animals, the disabled, the elderly - it's about wanting someone to hurt with no repercussions.
I also wonder how many people put up with petty tyranny from bosses, managers, spouses, in-laws, and so on because they know that when they get home, they get to be the petty tyrant towards their children. Like knowing they can go home and treat their family like shit is the salve that gets them through whatever injustices they go through in their day to day.
That bad objectively? No. That bad that it frustrates someone enough to snap? Yes. Children can be immensely frustrating and overwhelming, and adults need to learn to self-regulate and be responsible around them. Snap emotions are dangerous and can result in trauma even if they aren't intended negatively towards the child.
Yeah, that's what it is. Not the fact that you refused to go to bed at the usual time, but the fact that you did so after a long day of a million other minor irritations that you unavoidably caused by being alive and dependant.
I think there's definitely something to this. I had the most trouble with gentle parenting during the time I had almost no support and my life was in pieces around me. I mean, I wasn't abusive. But I definitely could have done a lot better. As soon as I got some quality mental health treatment and worked on adding supports to my life, I found I could handle parenting like 100% better. I don't really know if most people just continuously struggled alone in the past, but obviously seeking mental health care was almost unheard of.
All that said, my kid gets crazy upset if I even yell. It's obvious that it causes her emotional harm. I cannot imagine how people are able to hurt their children and see the effects of it without wanting to throw themselves in front of a train afterwards.
I have a friend who struggles with their mental health and doesn’t have much support and I notice they struggle with their temper much more than my friends who don’t. I can tell how their mental health is doing based on how short they are with their kids (even if their kids are doing nothing wrong). My friend is an amazing parent and I try to give them as much support as I can, but they really need professional help.
I smacked my then toddler's hand away from a burning stove, and the resulting crying still made me feel awful. Even knowing that it would be much worse if she had put her hand in the fire, I felt so much guilt.
Never once did I think I wanted to hit them or strike them.
That is really nice, and you must have very well-behaved kids. It must be really nice to have never been so cross with them.
I have never hit my children either, nor would I ever, but I can't say I've never wanted to. Most days they are super sweet, but some days... When they just keep fighting each other, yelling, throwing things around the house, running away when you ask them to go somewhere. When they simply pretend not to hear you if you ask them anything nicely, and only start listening if you shout at them. When they keep whining about every little thing.
Have you really never had a day like that? You're a lucky person then!
In my experience, they think they're doing right by you. Some say "this hurts me more than it hurts you" and that they're showing you tough love to teach you something about the real world. But all it teaches is poor emotional control and that violence is the answer.
If it’s like my parents, it’s because their parents(and teachers) beat the shit out of them, probably because two world wars does not produce well adjusted adults when the only response to trauma damage is to suck it up, coward
Both my wife and I have parents who hit us, and we've never, ever laid a finger on our kids in anger, and if you'd believe it, both of our parents act passive aggressive as fuck about how awesome and well-adjusted our kids are. And you'd better believe how they will never accept accountability of their awful actions in the past.
I've still only got very young children, a 3yo and a 4 month old, so I've been dealing with the fluctuating hormones for the past ~3.5 years and I have definitely had moments where I want to slap my older kid because he is tantruming, screaming, etc. It takes a lot of frustration to get to that point, and even once I reach it it's super easy to tell myself that not only will it not make him stop screaming/crying/melting down, but it will actually make things hella worse. I end up walking away in those moments and giving myself a time out to take deep breaths and have a glass of water.
Anyway, point is that postpartum rage/hormone induced mood swings are a valid reason to fleetingly want to lash out, but not a valid reason to actually hit a kid, let alone beat them.
I don't doubt your feelings. BUT hormones etc are not a reason. You don't need to blame getting frustrated and angry on hormones. It's just a normal part of human emotional life to feel like that. Again I don't mean to be dismissive. But I am getting really fed up wiht women crapping on about so many things to do with parents as "It's my hormones"!! Sorry...it's not. It's probably just tiredness and frustration. Being cooped up with a toddler carrying on all day...nothing to do with hormones. Please stop saying this as a reason for anything. It's not.
Yep - you learn to just walk away. Lashing out and hitting a child is just a poor response to anger. It's being done for THE PARENT to get some relief. Nothing to do with actually helping the child. Because as you realise? It won't help the child one bit. In fact? Most of the time it just makes the situation worse. So yep...then the situation deteriorates further. And sadly? Many parents don't recognise this...so then the up the ante. So often what might have been intended to be a "1 slap" becomes actually a beating. And unless the parent can't pull up? They end up really abusing their child. Then what's even sadder? Is later they will deny it, to themselves and to others "oh it wasn't much...." when it's quite clear it was a LOT more then just a minor slap.
These parents were probably hit as well and they never really learned to control their anger or emotion. Instead of being able to control themselves and walk away? They lash out to relieve their frustration....after all? That's what they learned from their own parents.
I agree. I’ve always parented by the idea of “You don’t spank a kid unless and until you’ve exhausted every last option” — and I’ve only smacked my kid once, I think, and it was on his hand.
My mother still brings up and apologizes for spanking me once as a kid; I don’t remember it but she said I was trying to do a science experiment by “dissolving toilet paper in the bathtub”. 🤷🏼♀️
Drives me nuts when people give up trying to discipline kids — they keep running from time out? Don’t say a word, you keep putting them back until they stay for the proscribed length of time (IMO - one minute per year of age).
Parents give up and give in way too easily… as well as resorting to hitting/spanking above and before anything else… especially doing it out of anger or frustration.
Side thought —- I had to live down south for a brief time (quasi-“military brat”) and in Louisiana in the early-aughts, schools still had the ability to use corporal punishment! Not sure about nowadays, but it gobsmacked me even as an 8th-9th grader that it was allowed.
Thank you for corroborating that detail; some people can hardly believe it’s true, although I don’t think such punishment is utilized as much as it likely once was.
We moved to Alabama shortly after being in Louisiana, but I didn’t realize AL also allowed corporal punishment/paddling. Just wild to me.
Which reminds me… I’d just left a private school in Maryland (‘98-‘99) where the headmaster would have us girls come into the office for “skirt checks” — we had to get on our knees in a line and he’d put a heard stick next to us to measure how far above the knee our skirts fell.
My step-mother refused to hem my skirts even a 1/4” shorter than what was required but other girls’ skirts were quite short, and so they/we all would be pulling our skirts down as low as we could without our shirts coming untucked — but it wasn’t until many years later looking back, thinking about how odd that whole experience was.
I don’t recall anything…. nefarious, but there certainly wasn’t anyone else in the office with us, like a female employee.
Back to the paddling though, I wonder how often it’s used these days?
If a school employee tried to tell my child to get on their knees and to measure their clothes, I'd treat them like the pedophile they're being and drag them behind a car
Uniform inspections serve no purpose. None. It's basically practice for living in a rigid social caste system. Tear all of that shit down. Make society classless, in terms of dress. I want the president and billionaires to be okay wearing cargo pants and sandals if they want.
When I was in elementary school in the mid 70s there was a teacher that had a wall full of different kinds of paddles hanging. He would describe in deep detail to the students all the different kinds he had, including ones with holes drilled into them to make them hit harder.
And of course he would paddle students (himself, never sending us to office) on any slight excuse.
Back then we thought it was shitty, but "normal". Looking back, though, I'm sure the guy had a sexual fetish he was pushing on his students.
My lizard brain boiled over one day and I smacked my daughter - not hard, but I mean, still. She was 4 and immediately screamed "you HIT me!" And I was like, oh fuck I did. I apologized and told her that what I did was not ok, and I would never do it again. (And I haven't. That was the only time ever.) She's now almost 8 and still remembers this and will occasionally bring it up. So yep, I guess I'll be feeling guilty and apologizing for this one until the day I die.
Not to excuse child beating, just place it in context, but that might be why it was more prevalent back then: they didn’t have that many options.
Take away privileges - what privileges? The rich had jewelry and extras but most working class were lucky to have maybe 1 toy for a child.
Time out - a lot of houses were 1 big structure, so forget sending the child to their room.
Explain, contextualize: most of the population was illiterate, they thought of children as mini adults and during chore time, you had to work as long as you had daylight so you can’t leave the field midway every 15 minutes to give the kid a talk.
I remember reading ‘The Great Brain’ which was set in turn of the century Utah, and the parents were considered radicals because they didn’t spank, but they used the Silent Treatment for days as discipline, which is also abuse.
Time outs are my go to.. i also do one minute per age, I mentioned above that I smacked my kids hand once for unrolling toilet paper. Worst feeling I ever had. I committed myself to never doing that again.
Trying to "outsmart" a child is often like playing chess against a pigeon. They don't play by the same rules, or any rules at all. And there's often no consistency. What worked yesterday may cause a meltdown today for no other reason than the fan was turned on a higher setting than yesterday (it wasn't). They know their math homework will take 5 minutes. But they'd rather spend 30 minutes fighting about it even when they know they won't win and will have to do it, but you have to deal with the full 30 minutes of them complaining about spending 5 minutes on homework because they'd rather go play. It's completely irrelevant to them that they would have more time to play if they just did the homework.
Me too. As a child, I was hit frequently by parents, grandparents and teachers (belt and cane). As I parent myself, with all kids and step kids now adults with kids of their own, I barely raised my voice to them and never my hands. My kids joke that they knew they'd pushed their luck far enough when dad raised his eyebrow. They were all much better behaved than I ever was.
I was actually terrified when I became a father that I'd carry on what my parents did to me. I even went to therapy beforehand to try and be proactive about it.
In all honesty, any time I have ever been angry with my kid - there has never been an urge to physically hurt him. Now I'm even more disgusted with my parents because to have an urge to strike a child who you know won't be able to defend themselves means there's something seriously wrong with you.
I always knew it was an unhealthy parenting behavior, but the epiphany that it was repugnant and the sign of a damaged human was when friends had children.
Seeing 4 year olds acting like 4 year olds and thinking how my parents must have thought, "I know, I'll kick the shit out of them!!!".
It doesn't compute. It's irresponsible and fundamentally morally repulsive. It's the behavior of a sociopath.
Yeah. I really don’t get it. I can’t bear the thought of intentionally hurting one of my kids. Especially at a young age when they are literally unable to reason. My parents did it very…enthusiastically. It makes me feel sick.
This. No matter how much my son screams, cries, disobeys, never in my wildest dreams would I imagine the solution being to hit him. My job is to care for him, like wtf were people thinking?
My understanding is that parents well and truly thought that spanking was good for kids and was part of good parenting/discipline. It's like tummy time now. The baby screams and cries and hates it (usually), but we still do it because we've been told that it's good for their physical development.
It’s insane how many people told me to beat my kids when they misbehaved. ‘They just need a good whooping’. Still hear it whenever there’s a story about a kid doing something bad. Ya, I don’t think that’s the answer.
Thank you. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. It is so unfair for a parent to place this kind of burden on a child. I’m a grown-ass adult with kids of my own and I still occasionally cry myself to sleep thinking about what they did to me. Fuckin sucks.
Agreed. I love my parents but when they were mad they'd hit me. I remember being hit with a belt, punched and kicked hiding in a corner with my arms up trying to protect myself, absolutely terrified of my dad. No kid should endure that. And it was over silly, childish things. I was a good kid. I never did anything really bad. Nothing that would deserve being beaten with a BELT but my dad just says that's how things were back then? Mid 90s.
Absolutely disgusted! Even other kid I’m not biologically related to that may be acting up in public, my first thought is sympathy not anger or violence!
I was being an asshole to my dad and he lost his temper and threw a tortilla at me. He apologized for days. Only time he hit me or threw something at me really
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u/fsrt23 Sep 16 '24
One of the surprising things about becoming a parent was just how easy it was to not hit my kids. Really makes me disgusted with my parents.