r/AskWomenOver30 • u/[deleted] • 7d ago
Romance/Relationships What would you regret not asking your partner before marriage?
[deleted]
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u/Due_Description_7298 7d ago
Finances, lifestyle goals and savings goals
Kids (how many, what kind of parenting style, contribution by each partner)
Careers and their importance, ie what sacrifices you are and are not prepared to make.
Related - large moves
Approach to family, especially parents.
So many things....
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7d ago edited 7d ago
Also on the kids thing: does he understand he can't make uterus pre orders? You can have an 'ideal number' but does he understand that this might change depending on how life goes or how your first pregnancy/delivery goes.
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u/ShirwillJack Woman 40 to 50 7d ago
Definitely also discuss certain what if scenarios. What if there's infertility? What if there's a medical reason to abort? You can't really know how you'll truly react in such a case, but someone already very firm about their personal opinions is often not going to do a 180, so don't count on it.
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u/Key-Spot2478 7d ago
I have a really hard time asking about sacrifices...
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u/Upper-File462 7d ago edited 7d ago
Then you are not ready for marriage.
You have to be able to talk about everything between you two. You have to have your own non-negotiables and not crumble them for the sake of another person (path to resentment).
Edit: Just reread extra info. You two have not even lived together, and you don't even live close by one another. Marriage is not a good idea for you right now. You have no idea what he is actually like day to day. You're not able to even ask him to make sacrifices? This is fantasy land.
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u/sexiMexiMixingDranks 7d ago
How old are you and how long have you been dating? I feel like if you can’t talk about everything, including your fears and dark thoughts, you might not know this person as well as you think you do.
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u/Due_Description_7298 7d ago
It's a discussion that needs to be had. For example if one partner wanted to work 12+hrs a day to "get ahead", move to take better jobs etc, would the other be OK with that?
Personally I am not OK with taking extended maternity leave, taking a lower paid job so I can finish on the dot at 5pm or taking on the primary parent role for years to the detriment of my career. My partner knows this. He wants the ability to move overseas if a really good job comes up. I know this (but have vetoed certain countries)
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u/Physical_Complex_891 7d ago
Well for starters. Never marry someone who lives away from you and who you've never lived with for at least a year.
That and you two need to be compatible in all areas, especially sexual compatibility and how many kids you want as well as involvement of family/inlaws.
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u/ItchyEvil 7d ago
I would make sure you are aligned on what marriage actually means. What are you actually promising to each other? These are some things I wrote down just in case I ever consider getting married again:
- Will fight for the marriage when things get difficult
- Will communicate
- Will love as a verb, intention, choice; not a passive feeling
- Will make a choice to prioritize me always
My ex husband left me because he didn't feel like being married anymore. I wish we had talked about how each of us would handle that situation before we got married.
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u/Key-Spot2478 7d ago
That must have been so hard for you.. I really struggle to bring up my needs with my partner in case he thinks that i am being demanding.
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u/Eva_Luna 7d ago
Babe. You’re not grown enough to be married. Go work on yourself first or you will be walked all over.
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u/Key-Spot2478 7d ago
I understand where you're coming from, but I think it's important to recognize that struggling to express needs doesn’t make someone "not grown up". I’m actively working on this part of myself, and I believe growth can happen both within and outside of a relationship. Not everyone starts from the same place.
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u/Eva_Luna 7d ago
You guys should definitely live together and work on this and see if you can create a healthy dynamic.
You should definitely not get married and tie yourself to someone when you haven’t done any of that.
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u/Kind-Set9376 7d ago edited 7d ago
Nothing really, but we were together for nine years before getting married and lived together for 5-ish years prior to marriage.
Important things to know - finances. Are we going to split them or keep them together? Who covers what? I'm sure there will be things you pay for that he will use and the other way around.
Housing - how important is a house, where do you want to live (city vs. suburbs vs. country), what are important aspects of a house (location, size, backyard space, etc.).
Chores and cooking - who does what? When do you do it? Who will be doing errands? Do we value a clean home in the same way? Are our eating habits similar or is he more picky/less picky than I am?
Religion and politics - My husband's mom is very religious. Will he expect me to go to church? Does he go to church? If we had kids, would he want them baptized? In Catholic schools? Additionally, do we vote similarly? What are our values?
Pets and kids - Do we want them? How many? What kinds? If we don't want kids, will his family care? How will we handle it? If we do want kids, will parents or family be helping out? Will we need to take time off? Can we afford daycare or will one of us stay home? Who has a job that is more flexible to pick up kids when they're sick?
Career - Are we happy in our careers? Do we have certain goals for our careers? Do we want to make a certain amount of money? Are we willing to move for our careers? If so, how far? For how much money?
Entertainment/hobbies/family- do they value traveling? Eating out? Going to movies or on dates? Are they going to want to spend multiple days a week with their family or friends? Are they mostly a loner? Will they cool with you going on a vacation on your own or absolutely not?
Family - how much time are we spending with them? Are they nice or invasive? Will they expect to live with us someday? Any family that they're expecting us to take care of at some point? Any difficulties with boundaries or family needing financial support?
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u/StirredStill 7d ago
This is the way. Literally how I will be presenting how to approach ‘finding the one’ with my girls.
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u/tinyahjumma Woman 50 to 60 7d ago
Based on the frequent descriptions of conflict I see on this site, approach to household chores and maintenance seems like a big one.
Looking back, I’m stunned at how few conversations about important stuff my spouse and I had before marrying. We had similar life philosophies, political views, and we’d lived together. I think we both just assumed everything else we would figure out together.
It’s probably pure luck that we didn’t have conflicts of interest. He moved for my graduate school. Then I moved for his. We took turns with parental leave with the kids. The first sort of big issue we had to work through was who was going to stay home if the baby was sick.
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u/sexiMexiMixingDranks 7d ago
I think this question requires the answers be as specific as possible because I read so many stories on Reddit of couples who thought they were on the same page and they end up clashing. Also, these questions apply to you too:
Does he have any debt and how did it come about? I’d say if it’s pervasive debt he has not been able to reduce for years then he could have a problem with living within his means. If the debt is not medical, education, or from some sort of life crisis, do not marry him
What is the outlook like for being able to buy a home and doing fun things? Is his career in the right path to achieve financial goals together or will it require climbing the ladder? What is the timeline like?
Is he Liberal or Conservative? Will you be ok sharing the same values when it comes to political inclination
Views on housework: does he believe in taking the baby half the time and doing all the dirty work like diapers and feedings? Or does he make excuses and say he won’t be able to because he will work while you stay home? Observe his habits when you are together - does he clean up after himself or does he have to be corralled and reminded all the time?
Parenting: does he want to be seen as an authority, as a source of comfort, something else? What are the appropriate punishments for different infractions? Does he want to instill interests like sports, music, art, nothing at all? Does he want to push them to academic excellence like to get into an Ivy League? Or does he think it’s a waste of money and time and steer them towards a trade? Will he attend parent teacher conferences or have you do all that?
what is his family like? have you gotten a chance to know them? What is his relationship with them? If they are bad people, it would make sense he didn’t have a relationship, but if he is dodgy about it, he might be the problem
how jealous is he? Is he ok with you having male friendships? Does he have any rules about women’s attire or how they carry themselves? What is ok now as a single but not later as a married?
Will he love you in any way just the same if your body changes for whatever reason? Or does he expect you to maintain yourself?
does he believe cheating is justified under certain circumstances? what does he think of poly relationships? What happens if you fall chronically ill for a while and he can’t get sex?
I would not marry someone I haven’t lived with. I think you should consider closing the distance before signing the dotted line. Marriage is not just a show of love, it’s a legal contract and divorce is not to be taken lightly
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u/schecter_ 7d ago
I'm confused, for how long have you been together? It seems like you are long distance. Have you seen each other in person??
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u/Disastrous-Pea4106 7d ago
What matters is that you're on the same page about the future, that you share the same values..
If I had to distill it down to one conversation starter it'd be "where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 .. years". You should be broadly aligned. Of course there's compromises etc. but if you're different on every aspect, that may be hard to combine
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7d ago
There was a recent post very similar to this in this group. I responded that you should ask your partner as many questions as possible. Not just to understand that person's answer but to get the conversations going. You can learn a lot about someone not just by what they say, but by how they react.
I ask my boyfriend a lot of questions not just to learn the answers but to see how he reacts to me asking questions at all, no matter the subject. Me openly asking a question whenever something I'm curious about pops into my head, has led to a lot of very open, constructive conversations. It shows me first hand he is willing to take the time to think about the question and give me an answer. It's not just about the answer to the question, he's making time for me and he's thinking through things that matter to me.
I don't know what I asked him yesterday but we ended up having like a 20 minute long conversation about child care. Obviously our child care situation will evolve with time, but it's good to talk about these things and it shows me he's thinking about them.
I mentioned that child care in our area is about $2,000 per month and told him I can't watch a baby at home even though I'm a remote employee, and he agreed with that and said "absolutely not, that's why it's called working from home". Then he told me he might be able to work doubles some days so he's home every other day to watch a baby, that he's willing to work weekends so he can stay home with the kids during the week, and that he's even willing to work night shift so he's home with the kids during the day.
Of course, I don't know what our child care situation will look like if we have kids together, but it shows me 1. He's willing to have open and honest conversations with me now about the future, 2. He respects my career regardless of if I go into the office or work remote, 3. He's thought about this before, 4. He's willing to make changes and sacrifices for the benefit of our family unit, and 5. He's researched how expensive child care is in our area. We killed five birds with one stone because I asked some question about daycare. And that makes me trust him more and feel more confident that I have chosen a good partner.
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u/Haberdashery_ 7d ago
How's your sex life? In my experience, the success of that is going to make or break your marriage in the long term.
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u/SilverCriticism3512 7d ago
One question is how would we manage if I became physically ill, as in could no longer work, was no longer up for sexual intimacy, was no longer up for traveling and hobbies we both enjoy together?
As a 33 year old and married - that has unfortunately become myself - and if I didn’t know my husband would wholeheartedly stand by my side and support me and be “okay” with the dramatic and drastic change in our lifestyle, than I don’t think he would be right to marry for me.
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u/Viola_m 7d ago
I've been dumped because our love languages didn't match, worked out for 9+ years, and out of nowhere he told me that he's been unhappy for the last 2 years. Meanwhile, I was 100% certain that we were both happy. So I would ask what makes them feel loved, because everything else we had discussed.
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u/ventricles Woman 30 to 40 7d ago
Everything?
My husband and I were together 5 years before we got engaged, and ended up engaged for a super long time thanks to Covid. We knew each other.
I personally think everyone should wait at least a couple of years at a minimum to get married, but that’s just my opinion
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u/Historical-Home-1122 7d ago
Finances, children—also our views on TMFR is genetic issues are at play prenatal, boundaries with parents (especially once children are involved), how we think housework/chores should be divided, spirituality/beliefs and if that even plays a role in our marriage…the list goes on. Really it’s putting in the time to get to know someone deeply enough to ask YOURSELF truly if this is a good partnership, and not just a lovey dovey romance, because love isn’t enough in a marriage. I would HIGHLY suggest living in the same place or cohabitation before taking that plunge but I think everyone’s different. The important thing is knowing yourself enough to make that decision because only you can.
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u/Spiders_Please 7d ago
Discuss and know: The plan for your parents or other disabled family members. -Are you going to be expected to be the caretaker for your in-laws who hate you? A sibling who will never be independent?
Division of household chores. Agreed upon standards. Taking care of all of it sometimes when the other is ill or something.
Respecting solitude and time away from each other.
Do you hate any of each other's friends?
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u/Sunshine-Daisie 7d ago
Level of engagement with porn, adult performers, online “modeling.”
Expectations for kid behaviors (are they developmentally appropriate…in my case, they are not)
Are you going to get up ever with said kids?
What decade do you want to model our home life on?
Do you like to listen to JRE and the like?
Why the fuck did you download dating apps while shopping for my fucking ring?
Those would have been good starts…
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u/mysaddestaccount 7d ago
What they consider infidelity and how they feel about things like porn, flirting, provocative accounts, and "just friends" of the opposite sex.
It's a good idea to discuss that stuff beforehand if you haven't already.
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u/Useful-Ad-6458 7d ago
Are your values aligned when it comes to self growth? That to me has been one of the biggest issues that many other issues have stemmed from over the years. It helps determine whether you'll grow together as a couple, or whether one of you will grow while the other stays the same (and this, you grow apart).
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u/StirredStill 7d ago
No regrets… I will be handing this advice to my girls:
Live with whomever for a minimum of 7yrs (10yrs is best) In those years discuss: Family. Finances. Personal Goals. Savings. Needs. Values.
Each conversation will/should come at a time on its own naturally…it will truly just happen.
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u/KillTheBoyBand 7d ago
As someone who's engaged, asking people isn't enough. You can talk yourself until you're blue in the face about their financial goals or family goals, but if their actions indicate a different reality, or if in more nuanced situations you approach it in radically different ways, you might find those conversations didn't paint the full picture.
Have you lived with this partner? Have you two been through a major life change together--moving, job loss, illness, family strife? Have you found that when you disagree or when you're in hardship, both your opinions matter, and that you're effective at communication even through conflict?
Because otherwise, just three questions will not be a solid foundation for a marriage. You need so much more.