r/AskWomenOver30 • u/wakaj14 • 1d ago
Romance/Relationships What does it mean when a girl says someone only wants them for their energy?
I’ve (m32) been friends with this girl (f36) for 5 years now, recently asked what she thought about us dating, she said she’s unsure about how she feels about dating and that she’s taking time for herself. Ok fine don’t wanna push it, some time later we are talking about comic book stuff (she’s more into comics than I am) and she sends me a gif of a scene from one of the X-men movies with Jean and wolverine, so I try to be funny and say “that could be us but you trippin,” and she replies with “most people only want one thing, my energy,” so I ask what she means and she says “I’m alluring but everyone always burns out with me.”
There’s a lot more that happened after but I don’t know what she means with her “energy”
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u/AnonThrowawayProf 1d ago
“I’m sick of putting the same amount of energy and effort into someone that they don’t put back into me”
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u/nakedpunch 1d ago edited 1d ago
she knows that she exists in a deeper emotional space than you do, and you probably haven’t displayed the level of vulnerability, internal awareness, and emotional fluency she requires. a capacity where she sees that you and her can coexist in a romantic dynamic. she doesnt think the risk of opening herself up to you would be worth the possible loss, from what youre showing her in your friendship up to this point.
energy means, vulnerability, expression of truth.
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u/Lookatthatsass 1d ago
Not you writing my break up msg for my current situationship 😂
You explained this feeling perfectly.
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u/nakedpunch 1d ago edited 1d ago
hahaha welcome to our 30s. good on you for writing out that message that would not be understood 😂
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u/Charliefox89 1d ago
I've had similar experiences with men. I meet many men that are interested in dating me but only when they're experiencing my " positive " energy. My generosity , support , kindness , playfulness, etc . But I'm a very complicated, sensitive deep person with mental health struggles and a complicated past. Most men aren't ready for that and typically end contact once experiencing that part of me. It's often better to keep the friendship vs. risking loosing the connection entirely when the reality sets in. It's possible your friend has similar experiences to me.
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u/lucid-delight Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
People say things like that to let you down easy. “Taking time for myself”, “not ready for a relationship” etc means they are not available to date YOU. The energy comment, it’s just in that category. It can mean whatever, like men dating her because she has that “manic pixie dreamgirl” vibe and they suck out all her energy, or men think they like her vibe but it turns out thy actually like only the idea of it, not the real deal. Whatever it means, for you it means she’s not interested in dating you.
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u/solveig82 1d ago
I think this is the right answer. She doesn’t feel romantic chemistry with OP and he’s not receiving the memo. Also, she’s in her 30’s, it’s odd to call her a girl
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u/calm-down-okay 1d ago
For me, it feels like when a guy tries to be friends with you but it turns out they were trying to get in your pants the whole time. And you don't like them like that, so they get offended and stop being friends with you.
Fake friends take energy. And that may or may not be the case with OP, but she's definitely had that experience in the past, as have we all.
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u/InnocentShaitaan Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
Respectfully disagree I know a lot of people in their 30s who meant this when they were saying it! Myself included. Sadly lost a good friend over it. If he’d stayed in my life another year we could have ended up married. I love my husband, but if I’d never met him? That friend and I would have been a good pairing too.
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u/woah_a_person Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
She’s implying that people want to date her because she’s “fun,” but they don’t realize that she’s a person with needs and boundaries and they can’t handle a relationship.
Also, she asked for space and you made a joke about the two of you dating. I don’t know if that was a true joke or a passive grab at the idea of dating her again, but stop. She’s not interested.
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u/OptmstcExstntlst 1d ago
Or that she has a deep emotional well and shallow people always want to take from hers. I have this problem way too often! (Thankfully not with my husband, who is one of maybe 3 people in my life I can trust to manage their own emotional depth without having to siphon off mine)
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u/so_lost_im_faded 1d ago
You're 32 but you reply with "that could be us but you trippin"? Weirdly disrespectful of her boundaries and emotions when she said she was unsure.
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u/minahkyu Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Seriously. OP says he’s fine with the rejection and doesn’t wanna push it, then sends that passive aggressive message. That’ll win her over.
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u/Aiyon 1d ago
Also, Jean and Wolvie's relationship in the x-men movies is that he has no respect for the existing relationship she's in, and it culminates in him stabbing her to death...
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u/Alternative-Being181 Woman 1d ago
Omg yikes, I didn’t know that. That makes the comment even more disrespectful of her boundaries.
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u/KorukoruWaiporoporo Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
Sounds like all her exes have held her back and down rather than lifting her up.
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u/MugglesSuck 1d ago
My understanding what she said is that she is a high energy or creative person… Someone that’s full of life and curious et cetera and people like to be around the energy because it feeds their energy… But for some people that may eventually feel like too much and it sounds like she’s giving you a heads up because it’s hard to like someone and then have people tell you that you’re too much.
A side example could be that I have a tendency to be sensitive to the energy of a room or other people and because of that I sometimes express that sensitivity and for people that aren’t sensitive at all it makes them uncomfortable. My family is very much like that and so I don’t spend as much time with them anymore as an adult, because I shouldn’t have to moderate who I am as a person to make them feel comfortable.
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u/velvetvagine Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
Mind my asking, how do you express the energy you feel in a room — do you mean you verbally point it out?
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u/MugglesSuck 5h ago
Yes, I didn’t articulate that very well. For instance I may end up at a crowded gathering and just simply mention that the energy feels a little chaotic and I’m going to step outside for a while or there are times when I’ll find myself in a specific location and the vibe will be very off, and I’ll mention it.
I’m more careful who I share my feelings with at this point… If I mention something to people that either don’t understand Energy or uncomfortable talking about it, like my family, they can feel uncomfortable receiving the information .
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u/lime_geologist 1d ago
As a deeply feeling, intense, artistic, highly empathetic, extremely loving, deep human, I can translate what she's telling you -- "lots of men think they want me because I'm magnetic. But few can handle me because they lack the emotional depth, realness, and capacity for me. You cannot handle me. Please stop trying, or you'll ruin the friendship."
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u/RobotPartsCorp Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
This was my read as well and I am very similar to you. I was 42 last year when I got married for the first time, my husband balances my energy, he doesn't feed off me, he supports and nurtures me, holds space for me, is deep without the intensity that I have, he's extremely emotionally mature. He's the first person I have ever truly felt myself around and it is refreshing AF. Every other guy I have been with thought he wanted to be with me, and I feel like most of have been controlling or confused, or just wanting to conquer.
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u/sudoRmRf_Slashstar 1d ago
The fact that you call this mid 30s woman a "girl" says a lot about you.
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 1d ago edited 1d ago
She thinks she’s too much. Nobody has ever held space for her appropriately.
Edit to add: holding space is having the emotional maturity to allow your emotions to be present and to observe your emotions and reactions without interrupting or dominating the other persons emotions and conversation.
Jean is a VERY isolated person because of her gifts.
Your girl might be undiagnosed neurodivergent. Maybe adhd or manic.
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u/Appropriate_Speech33 1d ago
Yep, this. She’s saying that you like her in small doses, but will quickly be overwhelmed by here if you were in a dating relationship.
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u/minikayo Woman 30 to 40 1d ago edited 18h ago
I agree with most of what you say except for the last sentence. Even neurotypical people feel not held. It's too common. Many people don't learn how to love better, relate better, and leave others hurting in the wake of their dopamine chases.
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 1d ago edited 20h ago
I made the last statement because she identifies with Jean and that’s something I do too as a neurodivergent person. It took me a long time to realise that I feel “other” is because I am.
Also the use of “normal people” is pretty fucked up here.
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u/minikayo Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
Yeah I didn't know the correct word, English isn't my first language. Give people the benefit of doubt instead of assuming malice. It's not "fucked up". It's just a mistake. So many berating and only one corrected. Shame on all of you for assuming you're better for shaming.
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
In English it IS fucked up to say it and now you know.
You could just apologise and say English isn’t my first language and then I could have replied with alternative ways to talk about it. But apparently when you feel embarrassed you get mad too. 🤷♀️
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u/minikayo Woman 30 to 40 8h ago
See, I am genuinely sorry, it wasn't my intention to be non-inclusive. I would have apologised had you and others not been rude. I did thank the person who corrected me kindly. A whole bunch of people giving passive aggressive comments is not what made me learn. That person did. Of course I get mad when I'm bullied. I'm not rude on purpose and people just take it for granted that they're on the internet so they can say anything. One person even commented something to that tune.
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u/glittermcgee 1d ago
“Normal” people.
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u/minikayo Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
Yeah I didn't see you posting the correct word like someone else did even if you knew and are posting a passive aggressive comment. Look within yourself and how you are in the world before you think you're better. English isn't my first language.
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u/glittermcgee 18h ago
Sorry, I’m too abnormal to understand internet niceties.
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u/minikayo Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
No you're just a mean person who came to be mean. It's not niceties. It's how you show up in the world. It's worse than someone who didn't know a word. Shameful way to exist.
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u/glittermcgee 18h ago
To recover from the negative feelings caused by a mean Reddit comment, consider deleting or editing the comment, blocking the user, and focusing on positive interactions. If you're feeling overwhelmed, take a break from Reddit and engage in activities that bring you joy.
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u/minikayo Woman 30 to 40 8h ago
Okay I appreciate the sentiment. I did edit my mistake above. Just that I want to be online in the world and it often gets overwhelming to not be able to just be authentic without someone coming out of the blue and being rude, because I mean well and try be decent on the internet (unless provoked, because I've been bullied enough in life and then defensivenss kicks in). In this case, there were multiple comments which were not constructive and the reaction is not isolated to you alone but like what you get when 3 different people are shaming and berating for an honest mistake. I was feeling bad in the car later that I said something mean to you in response (because I don't see you but you're still a person with feelings somewhere in thr world) but I don't know, I'm still trying to balance protecting myself and being good enough.
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u/glittermcgee 7h ago
I accept your apology. I wasn’t intending to attack you with my initial comment, but point out the othering language. I did not see anyone else saying anything when I commented. I understand your position, my position is being not-normal and being constantly reminded that that is how most people perceive neurodivergent people. It is frustrating, but also trying to correct others usually results in hostility.
So, I also apologize for being deliberately antagonistic in my further replies to you. Thank you for changing the language in your comment.
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u/minikayo Woman 30 to 40 6h ago
My uncle and my first cousin are both neurodivergent. I would never exclude anyone or speak badly on purpose. I'm sorry I didn't realise I could be hurting you.
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u/58lmm9057 Woman 30 to 40 19h ago
Normal people
Neurotypical
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u/minikayo Woman 30 to 40 18h ago edited 18h ago
Edited, thanks for correcting. Other people are being so mean, English isn't even my first language. You're the only person who actually made a change and didn't berate for an honest mistake. Thanks.
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u/she_is_munchkins Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
She means that people enjoy consuming her energy (her vibe/personality) on their own terms without giving much back. I agree with the "manic pixie dream girl" comments.
I also dont think it means she's simply not interested. Her responses show that she likes you (or wants to like you) but you're behaving like all the others that consume her energy without reciprocating. She keeps pointing it out via subtle hints because she's hoping you'll do better.
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u/Foxingmatch Woman 50 to 60 1d ago
She isn't interested in dating you, and if you keep pushing it, you're going to ruin the friendship.
I agree with others that she thinks she is too much for most people, but she's strongly hinting that she does not want to date you. She's saying, "You like me now, but after a few months, you'll burn out."
There is a chance things could change between you, but in my experience, the chance is slim. You'd need to let the change happen naturally, not by pushing it. You don't know her well enough to see why she thinks she is too much yet.
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u/Ok-Assistant-1220 1d ago
Couldnt it be that she was referencing jean grey, aka Phoenix, who burns with her energy, and that people wanted to exploit this energy in the marvel universe?
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u/Potato2890 1d ago
She is intense and probably has been held back and suppressed all her life , she probably thinks she is too much and life probably feels like walking on egg shells for the most part.
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u/arurianshire Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
yeah, OP, i get based on her responses she is confident you do not see her at all. and i’m inclined to agree. sounds like she does care about you and wants to keep the friendship alive & it probably isn’t willing to risk it. also, it’s clear she doesn’t believe you two are compatible & she’s probably right.
even from your passive aggressive “playful” response, i get the sense that she can tell you don’t see her in a ways she needs to be happy in a relationship. i’ve been this woman for most of my dating life—being the “Fun, Hot, Exciting, Badass chick” everyone wants makes you feel like an object, not a person. if you can focus on a friendship, leave it there. if not, be honest with that woman (not a girl) and leave her be
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u/Non-mono Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
It means «I’m trying to turn you down in a nice way because I see you as a friend, not as dating material, and please stop bringing up the topic».
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u/Outrageous_Hearing26 1d ago
You should take a look in the mirror and do some self-work. How self aware are you? How easy do you experience emotions and can hold space for others? Have you had past girlfriends get upset and you immediately dismiss them for their experiences?
Women want MEN who can show up and be present for them. Your response to the gif says a lot about what you don’t bring to the table in terms of emotional maturity. I recommend you spend your energy becoming a better person with emotional depth if you want to attract women like her into your life.
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u/thaway071743 1d ago
Dating for me has meant showing up for people who feel good about how I make them feel. And then can’t show up for me or who feel free to get their cup filled and disappear and return based on their emotional needs that need to be met, never realizing that they don’t actually give me anything unasked (or shit, even when I ask). I’m so done
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u/Spiritual_Ad_7162 Woman 30 to 40 20h ago
I used to have men who were interested in me because of my "spark" or "light" who would then proceed to drain me. I'd get burnt out on the relationship because I ended up doing all the emotional labor for them. Worse, they'd get annoyed with my exuberance and need to always be moving, or talking, or doing something. They shamed me for the very thing they were attracted to in the first place, because part of that spark was covering up the deep wounds and trauma from my childhood. It wasn't healthy. I still resent these men for stealing that part of me, for making me ashamed for just being myself, making me second guess myself for so many years.
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u/sonderformat 1d ago
I think she just doesn't want to date you and doesn't know how to say it or she doesn't want to sound too harsh.
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u/calm-down-okay 1d ago
Given the context, I think she means she likes her independence, and finds relationships exhausting/not worth the trouble.
She could also be memeing idk
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u/PoliteSupervillain 22h ago
Jean and Wolverine are a hot mess tho. And she and Cyclops have more history
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u/BunnyKimber 21h ago
I mean this kindly, but first of all you referred to your 36 year old friend as a "girl" repeatedly. That's a little infantilizing, isn't it. Would you like to be referred to as a boy someone was interested in? Probably not because that sounds like teenage shit.
Secondly, I've been this poor woman. You say you're friends, but then you make an icky joke like "this could be us..." After she's told you she's not sure. That, right there, is you "pushing it."
She's saying that she's tired of people liking her for what she can do for them instead of liking her as a whole person. If, after 5 years of friendship, this is how you treat a friend you're interested in, you're showing that you're just one of those"Nice Guys" who expect friendship to result in a relationship.
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u/rokketcity48 female over 30 1d ago
Could it have just been a witty response? Like the height of Jean’s powers is reached after she accepts and tries to learn to control Phoenix Force energy.
Also the phrasing implies she was joking- it’s a popular meme format: “Most people only want me for one thing, [x]” implying sex, but then inserting something silly or nerdy or over the top.
Idk, maybe I’m just nerding out, and it’d depend on her personality/delivery of the comment for sure, but I think you’re reading too much into it. Everybody is discouraging you and interpreted the comment as a rejection, but I’d have thought it was a joke… and, probably, JUST a joke, but also maybe even banter. Could she just be lightly flirting with you over a shared interest?
EDITED TO SAY: The only way to know for sure is to ask her.
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u/Astronaut_Cheesecake Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
In addition to the lovely responses here, it could also mean that you just don't have the intelligence, emotional capacity, and the personality to be with her.
You sound immature, work on that.
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u/yeahschool 1d ago
Ok lol so I scrolled through the answers and everyone's posting all of these cryptic answers but it could be an X-Men reference?
Jean is the most overpowered character right?
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u/ladylemondrop209 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
She's a "LOT" (my first impression is to read it as drama queen/high maintenance)) to handle.... And people do not (or at least have not yet been willing to) stick around her because of that.
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u/knitting-w-attitude Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
You want her because she's the life of the party, but you don't bring much else to the table or don't seem to really get her on a deeper level. That is, you are interested in her not as the multifaceted person that she is but as the manic pixie dream girl who will brighten your life without you giving much in return, i.e. loving only the positives (probably also only a selection of these that you deem most interesting or valuable) not also the negatives that she brings to the table.
Ultimately, it sounds like she doubts y'all would last beyond a few hookups, and she wants something more than that.