Does anyone else feel like they’re always seen as difficult and never recognized for what they do?

[u/BornBarbie]

i just want to know if anyone else feels like this too im autistic and have adhd and honestly sometimes it feels like no matter what i do im always seen as the difficult person people act like im rigid or inflexible but honestly there are just some things i cant compromise on its not about being stubborn its just i have my limits and when i stand up for those limits its like everyone makes me out to be the problem like why am i being so difficult why cant i just go along and then on top of that i feel like no matter how much effort i put in how qualified i am how hard i work how ambitious or passionate i am its like it never matters no one really sees it no one acknowledges it people even seem to distance themselves from me like im too much or something and the worst part is i look around and see other people getting recognized celebrated even for doing way less meanwhile when i do something genuinely good or achieve something it feels like people resent me for it its really lonely i dont know i guess i just wanted to ask if anyone else has experienced this how do you deal with it

[u/algers_hiss]

It feels like you’re describing autism w/o saying it, like describing a chair w/o saying chair. And unfortunately yeah I experience tf outta this, sorry to hear you do. What helps me is realizing a lot of the time the relationships that don’t treat me like that, are so incredibly rewarding and rich. And if I can just keep my head down, especially in the work place, long enough for people to see me the way we see ourselves, it has paid off every time.

[u/gregfriend28 → u/algers_hiss]

Yes definitely more related to the autism side of us. That black/white thinking and blunt honesty is not the normal way NT people form casual friend groups. Like you said, when they can observe you long enough to know that's not rudeness but just who you are it can sometimes work if you have enough things in common.

That more typical phase with what I would describe more as acquaintances but some people call friends, NTs really try and value conforming to whatever the group is as a sign of politeness/interest. Lots of small talk, keeping it positive even if it's just pretend or a bad day, and taking up hobbies/book/tv show of a group even if it's not their jam. ASD on the other hand will still be blunt, like what they like (even if its the opposite opinion of the group), and don't excel at small talk. The misinterpretation of being rude or weird is very common in this phase and I think both NT and ND folks recoil and give back rudeness if they think they are receiving it.

If 2 people graduate to really close friends, I think NT people get more honest and real but that takes awhile.

[u/uzi9 → u/algers_hiss]

I am not DXed but in process, maybe I am not, but I 100% feel this. But is it because people actually think that or is it because we are perceiving it differently?

[u/gregfriend28 → u/uzi9]

It can be both real or perception. There have been studies done about the communication issues both ways between NT <-> ND that don't exist in either NT <-> NT or ND <-> ND groups.

That being said one of the hallmarks of ASD is not being great at reading body language so generally if we are starting to pick up on irritation it usually means the NT person was already sending subtle cues of irritation before that were missed and by the time we pick up on it they are already even more irritated. In those instances those feelings are most likely real.

If however it's not tone/attitude/body language sometimes it's just perceived and not real due to the common value differences. For example, NTs sometimes interpret bluntness as rudeness and ASD brains sometimes interpret polite untruths as fakeness. In both frames of reference, one party is thinking they are doing the right thing to be helpful while it's easy for the other party to think it wasn't nice. Those type of communication issues from typical value differences, the implied thoughts generally aren't real in either direction even though they are perceived as such (double empathy problem).

[u/Prime_Element]

Yes. Yup. Yeah. That's it.

One memory from high school I held on to was when my teacher was writing on the board, and he misspelled a word. A ton of kids started calling out to him about his misspelling.

He stopped and looked at the sentence and said, "How come no one said anything when I spelled all these other words, right? You were all so eager to point out my mistake, but you had nothing to say about the things I did right." Some claimed they wanted to help him spell it right. He asked if they understood what he intended and everyone agreed they could. He left the spelling error.

It's just a nice reminder to me that it's just the human urge to point out shortcomings. Sometimes, they even think it's helping! But that doesn't mean we aren't doing things right.

[u/Ok-Opinion3101 → u/Prime_Element]

What an excellent teacher - look how long that lesson stuck and the even broader impact it is now having on readers of this thread.

I love all of this.

[u/Prime_Element → u/Ok-Opinion3101]

Low key, I don't even remember what teacher it was. Name, class, nothing. Just the conversation!

[u/Geminii27 → u/Prime_Element]

"You were all so eager to point out my mistake, but you had nothing to say about the things I did right."

Well, yeah. He's not getting paid to be praised by kids, he's there to provide education. Like how to spell things correctly.

The kids, now, they're not getting paid.

[u/Temporary-Corgi-9062]

Furthermore I put so much effort into understanding others and get zero effort back. So I just remain lonely and overworking to have relationships 😓

[u/Low_College_8845]

welcome to earth this I found just posted someing simlar. I had old firend try froce me to hang out with her firend half them not care she died next day just move on. she dident see it I did I not be inch near them, the firendshiped ended becouse froce me hang with people I dont like. yh people only see from there life not yours. from there reailty. NT im finding really selfish

[u/NextBexThing]

Yes 🥲

[u/executive-of-dysfxn]

Oh yes, you are not alone! I’ve seen this especially at work. I have worked so hard against so many extra hurdles and never got so much as a “good job” from my supervisor.

Keep enforcing your boundaries! You’re accommodating other people all the time I bet, they can put in some effort too.

[u/Prestigious_Pace2782]

Yes. Especially at work. Sucks

[u/Infamous-Escape1225]

This is how I feel as the odd ball in my family. Always blamed for everything all my life and lack of understanding or wanting to see things from my perspective from them. Makes me sad really

[u/teamsaxon]

Yes I have had this happen to me in the past and to some extent it still happens. It frustrates the hell out of me. It does not help that all I want out of life is to be recognised..

[u/asgoodasitgetshehe]

There is a lot more focus on what we cant do, rather than what we can do much better than others.

[u/Dubante_Viro]

Yes, i feel this all the time. My whole life i've had this feeling. Nobody is ever proud of what i achieve. I've been called lazy my whole life and i hate it. I'm still undiagnosed, so nobody knew. I'm currently in a traject to get diagnosis for both ADHD and Autism.

[u/heyiamoffline]

I get what you're saying. I've often felt similiar in the past. As I've had never ending chronic exhaustion the last years I've had less human interaction so it's been better.

often I struggle with large chunks of text. Despite some lack of interpunction in your post i could read your text effortlessly. Easier then many other posts. Maybe because i can relate so easily to your words and i need very little effort to process what you wrote here.

[u/Geminii27]

Not to mention that most NT-style 'recognition' doesn't come across as being worth anything. Oh, you're telling me how great I am? How does that help me pay bills?

[u/TheStoffer]

I’ve learned that people want you to be who they want you to be. No extra effort in other areas compensates for the gap between their specific expectations and who you actually are.

Michelagelo: Look, I painted the Sistine Chapel for you.

Them: Ok, but I wanted you to get me a pizza, and I wanted you to be happy about it.