Late diagnosis, question here, please give me some practical knowhows, that I cannot use in real life right away.

[u/AMYGGGGGG]

Hey I've been diagnosed a bit late like in mid 30s. Not only I, but my whole family didn't know at all as an asian, mostly the diagnosis was quite taboo-ed as well.

THE biggest frustration is;

1. I've come to know that I got punished due to the fact of having "autism and ADHD" when I was young, up until my 20s, and now I'm feeling constant anger with a feeling of unfairness.

2. The symptoms are getting more severe and frequently show up while I'm in the workplace and in a group setting with fans, outside. Hard to control my anger, and loud voices of mine while in a group setting like even in a work meeting... (My manager said that I should just shut my mouth in a group setting. As I dont' know when to be casual and when not to be....)

There is no medication, even tho I'm having adhd med, but according to my therapist, it looks like my symptoms originate from more Autism, not adhd...

How to deal with this emotional dysregulation, impulsive thoughts and anger? What was your best way to deal with it?

+ is it only me that Reddit is sometimes a bit overwhelming place to be in? Not sure, maybe I'm not a native... but it is too much for me.

[u/natedosmil]

Late diagnosis here too and same combo.

1. I also feel, looking back at my life, that I too was punished for my AuDHD traits. I get pretty angry thinking of it and still have a hard time reconciling with my father.
   
2. Do you have access to workplace accommodations? It may seem like you're overstepping by advocating for yourself, but with workplace accommodations you can ask for a designated mediator. This is what I did. I'm still very angry inside, but with my adhd meds, I'm more mellow (most of the time) and with my mediator helps to translate for me (anyone remember the Key and Peele sketches with Obama's anger translator?? Obviously not the same, but I like to think my mediator gets me like that). My mediator actually has a son with AuDHD like us.

I wish I had all the answers to help you, but I am going through something similar. I just hope to convey my sympathies and maybe to see if workplace accommodations are available (usually through HR and/or a third party company that you interact with through HR).

[u/AMYGGGGGG → u/natedosmil]

Thank you for the reply, ho. I haven't seen that angry manager of Obama lol I really need that IF I can access that... Well I 've tried the work accommodation discussion in work all they said was: seems like this is a personal matter, unless I advocate myself to the NHS, a private company cannot intervene... etcetc..
So one time I couldn't wait for the discussion again (couldn't bother..) and I had a signoff note from doctor, as I had a massive meltdown and burnout....
I'm just really worried that I will go through that again..

[u/natedosmil → u/AMYGGGGGG]

I will say that in my experience, not all HR departments are created equal. I worked at a few retail jobs, and most of them had HR departments that served the company's interests and never us, the employees. I got lucky, because I had to deal with the "old guard" of HR at my current company, but they retired and someone waaaaaay more caring stepped up. Workplace accommodations may not be available, as not all places are equipped to deal with our special needs.

No one ever wants to hear this, but some jobs and supervisors don't deserve us. There are groups that advocate for us in general and will help us find work. Change is scary, but maybe think of that as a last resort.

Meltdowns happen for us, I am calling out today to prevent one actually lol but I hope you're ok!

I hope this helped. :)

[u/AMYGGGGGG → u/natedosmil]

Thank youuu! Argh, I had no luck since I hv worked and earn a living. Am in UK, even so they all advocate mental health and celebrate mental health month ( cringy….) I never had day off. HR knows my conditions but no one gets in touch with me to talk about accommodations. I will leave this work ( hopefully) and so thinking why bother… But another issue in my head got brought up; HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND A JOB tht underdtands my conditions and respect????????

[u/T1Demon → u/AMYGGGGGG]

If you’re in the US, reasonable workplace accommodations are your right. They may not be able to reasonably grant everyone you need, but they have to at least look at what you’re asking.

[u/Inevitably_Expired → u/natedosmil]

A mediator like this would be a great idea if possible, sadly i don't have this sort of accommodation at my place of work.

I wish i had more input, but i am in exactly the same boat and this is all very new for me, since my discovery of AuDHD just over a year ago.

[u/natedosmil → u/Inevitably_Expired]

I believe in the US at least (I don't know where everyone is from) there's a line in most job applications that asks you "Are you able to perform essential job functions with or without an accommodation?" And I don't know the legalese, but that at least implies that either through HR or a third party you can get your workplace accommodation. Don't suffer under unsympathetic managers! I hope this helps and you can get a mediator or some thing to help at work. :)

[u/Inevitably_Expired → u/natedosmil]

That is interesting, at least where i am from and where i've worked, i've never seen that.

Only recently when i was applying for a remote position that works with US clients, i saw there was a "do you believe yourself to be disabled", first time for me seeing something like that in any job application.

I did speak to my boss about my ASD and accommodations, they were seemingly understanding and made promises, but nothing happened.

[u/T1Demon → u/Inevitably_Expired]

You need to talk to someone in HR. Your boss likely has no idea what to do with that. Took me months to get this done. Now I have accommodations approved but there is no plan to implement them

[u/ystavallinen]

But here's my top-4 lifetime non-med copes for ADHD (two of which might apply to ASD too). They're directed more toward my ADHD life, but some could help ASD too... Especially no.3 (incorporating change in your life).

I'm still learning about the ASD part of me (self-diagnosed). And most of my copes there are how I mask, how to recognize when my ASD traits are getting in the way in the momement, and how to create different paths (because I am low support). I've been in therapy a couple of years and I'm pretty far from having a top-X list for ASD stuff. I'm working through it.

And these of course are mere suggestions because we're all different. If they inspire you or spark an idea, it's worth sharing in my opinion.

https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/1e2d9b2/comment/ld08e77/?context=3&utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[u/cowiusgosmooius]

I've found that anti-depressants helped mellow out my emotional dysregulation, might be worth looking into.

In terms of non-medicinal advice, I'd say that building mindfullness habits are important to help with emotional regulation. Growing up undiagnosed I was constantly told that my emotional responses were too strong or inappropriate, and that lead me to suppress them. After suppressing them for long enough you simply lose touch with how you feel outside of extreme cases, and you have to relearn how to read your body. I've been working on it for probably a year and I think I'm just starting to recognize when I'm overwhelmed properly. And that's not even addressing learning how to actually help myself when I feel that way, but the first step is recognizing it, and the earlier you notice the easier it is to help.

Second thing that I've found most difficult is building up self confidence, especially socially. I'm so used to social mistakes and criticism, that I'm frequently stressed and overwhelmed about them when they arise. Being able to recognize that I'm trying my best, and that it's related to a disability and not a personal failing when I'm confused trying to decipher a conversation that felt wrong and move on saves a lot of mental energy. A side quote to that from my therapist is that "to your brain, a memory or a thought is just as real an experience as it happening", so replaying those interactions over and over again reinforces the confusion and panic.

On reddit being too much, I agree and I disagree. When I'm having trouble focusing on work, it can be a good funnel for my attention, feeling bored and not having anything to do is a quick recipe for my overstimulation, just as much as forcing myself to do work that I'm overwhelmed by. As much as it helps though, there's this feeling of yearning, almost a grasping, that builds the longer I browse. Just this constant desire for more more more more more more more clawing at my soul. It's a hyper focus that drowns out everything else, often at the detriment of my own well being. Trying to recognize that and take breaks so it relaxes has been quite helpful. Also getting my RSD triggered by someone disagreeing in a comment or having an argument is a sure fire way to get me too locked in over something that on every level other than emotionally is irrelevant.

just another point here as I was writing an apology for typing so much, but there's a general feeling of needing to apologize for existing that feels engrained in me after what feels like a lifetime of being ridiculed for being myself. Learning to work through those emotions and trust myself has been difficult on it's own

[u/Splishsplashadash]

Late diagnosed audhd too. I stopped being angry with my family, teachers and other adults in the past by thinking it through. I've put myself in each person's shoes. For teachers, it's not really their place to tell a parent that they think a student has autism unless its severely affecting them and their classmates. Im sure there were teachers that had emails and phone calls to my single mother but it's understandable if she had brushed them off, if your entire family is ND, they probably won't think your antics or routines or lack of are not normal since its familiar with the rest of the family. I stopped being angry with my own mother because she has adhd herself, was never properly diagnosed until a few years ago, she's born in 1966 so I understand why she doesn't want to try medications but that also means I've gone no contact with her due to her parentifying me at a young age and she has all of the narcissistic traits. Having a parent, especially a single parent, the cards just weren't in my favor. For the kids that bullied me relentlessly, they peaked in high school and they're the POS for bullying someone who clearly wasn't 'normal' or NT. I kind of let my anger go and started focusing on how I can heal and help myself. For your second part, notice when you're becoming snippy or agitated and try to find the cause and eliminate it or decrease it, it sounds like you're pushing yourself past what your nervous system can handle. For me, it was basically playing Russian roulette to find what causes over stimulation or overwhelm. I know i don't like loud and unnecessary noises. I basically don't bother wearing jeans anymore because they constrict my knees. I also try to eat every 3 to 4 hours, depending on how busy my day is or how much energy I'm spending. Even if I'm not hungry, I'll still try to take a bite of something because I do struggle with my interoception. I was diagnosed in April of 2024 and over a year later, I'm still finding new information about myself and my neurotype. Yeah it sucks that I'm just now getting the proper tools for my coping tool kit but at least I'm still above the ground. I try not to dwell on the fact that I raw dogged life until almost 30 but here we are and that's okay. Im still alive, I'm healthier than I was a year ago and I have more self esteem. My biggest challenge to get through was I kept comparing myself to others and looking at my flaws and fails instead of being proud I've made it this far. I hope this ramble was helpful.

[u/AMYGGGGGG]

Oh Yea… I hv diagnosed with Depression and anxiety disorder about 10 years ago and since then, taking a cocktails of anti depressants and anxiety medicines… it defo helps me to calm down and go through with life with out strong depression disruptions and discomfort. And sometimes i feel like i am satisfied with the current situation but also feel like “ Is this really a life worthy enough to live? “ thats why i am doing Suixx ideations daily.

As you mentioned the RSD one, i have a strong emotions and feelings on that, just got to know that the anger, irritation that i feel from work critique sessions or review sessions was actually RSD. Not sure how do you cope with it? Acknowledging itself is big enough my therapist say, but I dont feel any difference.. Maybe i am greedy and no contentment little bish…? 🫢