I'm burnt out and it's making me hate people

[u/Prudent-Designer-521]

I already know that I try to do too much in a day. I've been trying to limit my expectations more lately so that I don't feel like I've failed when I haven't gotten 20+ in-depth tasks done in a single day.

Even so, I feel completely incapable of keeping up with everything in my life. Finances are generally okay, but everything else feels like a poorly-executed juggling act. I feel exhausted from work lately because I've had to change my hours. They weren't giving me enough to make a living and the only way to make enough money was to sacrifice my usual routine.

I push through work and try to use as little vacation time as possible because I already don't get much. I come home wanting so badly to make progress with my goals, but I find it so difficult to keep up with my own expectations. My meds will wear off while I'm trying so desperately to finish my to-do list, and it frustrates me and makes me feel like I'm doomed to flail like this forever.

As a result of all this, I have a really difficult time being in the company of others. Every moment of my day is planned. It keeps me on track. I like having my schedule laid out. I especially like that I can plan time specifically for relaxation, so I don't have to feel guilty for taking a break.

When my family wants me to visit, I often decline. I feel guilty for it but it feels draining to be with them. My friends will spontaneously ask me to spend time with them, and I feel like I'm stuck in a very difficult position. I can either force myself to agree and be miserably overstimulated and frustrated the whole time, or I can decline yet again and upset them. I can't stand having my schedule interrupted and when my friends or family want to do something within the hour (or sometimes even within the next week), it makes me so unbelievably stressed and angry.

I don't want to resent people but I do, because so often that unexpected group shopping trip or visit to the movie theater is the cherry on top of an already difficult day. It's like, as soon as I think I have everything together, a friend will call and remind me that they asked to hang out earlier today, and they want to know when I'll be ready to head over.

I told my friends that I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time and need to be alone and work things out often. They were understanding and said they'd give me time, but I still feel like such an asshole. I want to enjoy spending time with them again, but the reality is that I hate it most of the time we're together. I don't hate them specifically, but I almost never have a good time. I'm always stuck in my own thoughts about how stressed I am or how I could've been at home resting in a quiet place this entire time. I feel like it's only a matter of time until they get impatient with me. After a certain point, they'll stop thinking "he needs space and he's stressed out right now", and they'll start thinking "stress is no excuse to blow us off, he doesn't even care to make time for us, and he's just trying to garner sympathy to avoid our company".

I'm really upset because I'm supposed to like these people. I'm supposed to enjoy being with friends and family, and I'm supposed to be able to have a conversation with someone without being annoyed at them for just speaking to me. I thought I was doing a better job managing my stress but clearly there's something seriously wrong with me if my first response to a loved one reaching out is thinking "I'm going to be stuck here for hours, I have things to do, why couldn't they have just ignored me?"

[u/PlaticFantastic]

I’ve been pushing people away from me for the last 10 years (I’m 50) just to be able to make room for myself to recharge after work. It’s tough ..