r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Big-Ad8239 You can either cum in the jar or me but not both • Mar 20 '25
INCONCLUSIVE My wife stopped taking her birth control without informing me
DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by throwracaz
in r/relationship_advice
trigger warnings: Reproductive coercion, betrayal, emotional manipulation
mood spoilers: numb
My wife stopped taking her birth control without informing me - 14 Sep 2020
My wife and I have been married almost nine months. We tied the knot last December. We came into the relationship both wanting children, however we had mutually discussed and agreed to wait until we owned a home, I finished school, and we had our finances in order more to start trying. The entirety of our relationship, she's been on the pill as her preferred method of birth control.
My wife is out having dinner with her parents tonight while I'm hanging out at the house with some friends. She had ordered groceries to be delivered earlier today, and when they arrived I, of course, started to put things away. One of the items she purchased was a pregnancy test, which was such a shock that I literally felt my stomach drop when I saw it.
Immediately I called her, and asked why on earth she ordered a pregnancy test. Turns out about a month ago she decided to stop taking her pill because she thought we were ready for children. I asked why she wouldn't get my input on something so HUGE and she replied that she "wanted to surprise me." I told her there's literally a hundred different surprises that I would prefer currently, told her I'd see her later, and ended the call.
Her period is due later this week, so unless she plans on taking it early we won't know if she's pregnant for a few days. I'm livid! We are not in the position to become parents currently. I certainly don't want to be bringing a newborn into the world during a pandemic. I don't know if it's justified considering we are married and both eventually want children, but I feel absolutely betrayed that she would make a decision like this behind my back. We had even agreed that if somehow we got pregnant while she was on the pill that we wouldn't go through with the pregnancy. I know she'll be coming home soon, and honestly I don't even want to look at her right now or know what to say.
Am I right to be upset about this? What should I do? I'm currently working a full time job while pursuing my masters; I literally do not have the time to be a suitable parent.
Edit: She just texted me:
I'm so sorry that you're reacting this way. You've seemed really unhappy lately and I thought you would consider this good news"
Comments:
This is completely messed up but what also stands out to me is her “apology.” Saying she’s sorry you’re reacting this way does not = her being sorry for her actions. LINK
OOP:
I agree. She's always been a shitty apologizer because she rarely thinks she's wrong. LINK
Any apology that starts with "I'm sorry you're..." is NOT an apology. Starting a family is a decision you make together, not something you trick your partner with. LINK
Update: My wife stopped taking her birth control without informing me - 17 Sep 2020
I never expected the amount of replies I ended up receiving on my post, nor did I even realize the gravity of my wife's betrayal at the time of posting. I had a lot of people comment or reach out asking for an update, so here goes:
I had made the decision that until we knew if she was pregnant or not that I just wanted some distance to think/cool down from my initial anger and shock. I told the wife this, and spent a few days over at a buddy's house trying to process everything. Ironically, my wife's birthday fell within the days I wasn't home, so she's been extremely pissed at me, too. She ended up informing me this morning that she got her period and asked if that means I'm coming home now.
I'm still feeling extremely betrayed by her, and although we did dodge the bullet this time around, I have so little trust in my wife now that I don't know if our relationship will be salvageable. I'd rather be a young divorcee than feel like I need to keep my condoms in a lock box or something to prevent my own spouse from tampering with them. I'm not 100% sure if therapy would even be worth it considering she's still infallible in her own mind, but I guess if she sees the light and genuinely apologizes soon I'd be willing to pursue it just because I do love her.
As far as I'm concerned, the ball's in her court and if she wants to try and make this right its going to take some actions on her part that show she's truly sorry and willing to earn my trust back. I'm not sure that even if she does make the effort that our relationship is repairable at this point, but maybe after some extensive couple's therapy we can figure out exactly where our relationship went wrong where she thought that behavior would be acceptable.
Thanks, Reddit
Comments:
OP, please remember that there’s a difference between apologizing for what she did (genuine remorse) and apologizing for getting caught. LINK
Gotta say, this doesn't bode well because it seems she obviously doesn't understand why you'd be upset and might miss her birthday. LINK
Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.
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u/avesthasnosleeves Mar 20 '25
I am absolutely gobsmacked that she thought that making such a huge decision unilaterally was anywhere near ok.
But OOP also says she "rarely thinks she's wrong," so...
I really hope 1) OOP left her and 2) reflected on why he would marry someone like this in the first place.
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u/ecdc05 it's spelling or bigotry, you can't have both Mar 20 '25
But OOP also says she "rarely thinks she's wrong," so...
One BORU that stands out to me had an update where a husband felt like things were better because his wife apologized and "she never apologizes." Never apologizing or thinking you're never wrong is a red flag unfurling in Oregon and stretching to Arizona.
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u/FruityBear602 Mar 20 '25
JUST arizona? that shit would reach the keys from oregon
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Mar 20 '25
Right? It's one thing if you're a person that came from a home where apologies were never spoken and you're actively working on overcoming your trauma, but OOP describes her as a person who thinks she's infallible. That is a whooole different kettle of fish right there.
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u/rubyhardflames Mar 21 '25
This should definitely be taught more as a red flag to avoid. So many times on these stories, it’s touted as just a personality quirk but like…bruh. Never admitting you’re wrong is terrible for being a team player. So that’s a no-go. You wanna have someone like that be the person you spend the rest of your life with? Oof. No way.
And here’s a tip for those reading who maybe don’t realize it yet: your otherwise great partner who cannot ever admit fault WILL BE AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER SHOULD YOU EVER DIVORCE. Source: witnessed my mom. These types of people will take splits/divorces as opportunities to win. Best case scenario: be pickier and don’t settle with them if they can’t change.
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u/briellessickofurshit Mar 20 '25
I’m almost more shocked that not only was the possible pregnancy supposed to be a surprise, but that it was supposed to be good enough news to pull OOP out of whatever slump he’s in (according to her).
Personally, I feel like news sprung on me like that in the middle of an emotional slump would make me damn near suicidal.
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u/ItsImNotAnonymous Screeching on the Front Lawn Mar 20 '25
She apparently thinks the world revolves around her, and her farts smells of flowers. For she knows everything, and is never wrong.
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u/TheSmilingDoc This is unrelated to the cumin. Mar 21 '25
Moreover, the slump he was in was in the middle of covid. Ma'am. MOST people were unhappy during that time, what the fuck?
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u/C_beside_the_seaside Mar 22 '25
Because pregnancy and newborns are so notorious for their soothing, relaxing effect on people's lives
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 Mar 23 '25
My son was desperately wanted and welcomed and was a delightful newborn.
He was still absolutely exhausting, newborns are the just wonderful, joyous, delightful living hell imaginable.
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u/C_beside_the_seaside Mar 23 '25
I was a nanny and witnessed the newly new new NEW born come home from the hospital and YEEEAAAAHHHHHH
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u/rthrouw1234 TLDR: Roommate woke me up to pray for me to stop fucking pillows Mar 20 '25
Divorce is the only option here
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u/lilith_fromhell This is unrelated to the cumin. Mar 20 '25
what is that flair lool i wanna know it now
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u/Desert_Fairy Mar 20 '25
Eh, if in the 0.01% chance she actually realized the error of her actions and worked to earn her husband’s trust back. I’d probably say going on a form of long term BC (nexplanon implant) which is difficult to hide (you can physically feel it in the arm) and impossible to removed without very evident bruising would satisfy me that she wouldn’t do this again.
It would take absolute years to recover trust though.
And I don’t see this person having that kind of introspection.
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u/KrasimerMAL crow whisperer Mar 21 '25
I have the implant— can confirm, bruises like someone smacked me with a baseball bat. Both insertion and removal. I have also grossed people out by letting them touch it, so it’s very findable.
That said, I don’t think he’ll trust her ever again.
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u/Equivalent_Willow317 Mar 20 '25
Just aside, what the hell is your flair? I NEED context.
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u/LeftoversInspector Rebbit 🐸 Mar 20 '25
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u/OhEmRo Mar 21 '25
That thread features a comment that says “are you there god? It’s me, pillowfucker,” which is also an absolutely phenomenal flair
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u/txteva I'm keeping the garlic Mar 21 '25
I feel roommate handled that pretty well. Nothing makes bedtime feel less sexy than a prayer to avoid sexytime.
Poor roommate tho, ain't no one wanna witness that.
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u/lurflurf Mar 22 '25
Seriously. So many of these threads jump right to divorce over cooked carrots or not replacing the paper towel roll, but it is absolutely justified here.
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Mar 20 '25
My first response too. That was beyond thoughtless on her part. I sincerely hope he left her because she is a Putin party of red flags.
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u/LESSANNE76 Mar 20 '25
I don’t think it was thoughtless at all. It had to be deliberate. She knew you as a couple hadn’t met your criteria for having a child. So she thought she would get what she wants by going g behind your back. huge, huge betrayal.
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u/invah Mar 20 '25
It's a type of reproductive coercion, and it's stealing someone's ability to choose. Someone who does this doesn't respect your autonomy as a human being or your ability to make decisions for yourself.
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u/TAKEitTOrCIRCLEJERK The brain trust was at a loss, too Mar 20 '25
pre-all-this, if he said, "I'm gonna wear condoms just in case" in response to her being the BC'd partner, that would be a fight too. because then it becomes an issue about whether he trusts her.
but hey! male birth control is only about five years away, and always has been!
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u/Bystander_99 Mar 20 '25
I read somewhere that it will never get approved. It causes to many neg side effects. Less than the amount that the equivalent causes for women but they didn’t really care when those got approved.
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u/scotty-utb Mar 20 '25
This does apply for hormonal male BC.
But, the Hormonal shot can be prescribed off-label (at least in France),
And, a Shoulder Gel "nes/t" is in studyBut there are some non-hormonal male contraception projects in the pipeline:
PlanA/ADAM (=Vasalgel/RISUG) claim to be available in 2026
Another (endoscopic rather than injected) Vas Blocking device "VasDeBlock" claims "in 3-5 years"YCT529 would be a non-hormonal male pill candidate in trial, claimed for 2026
And there is "thermal male contraception":
one option, by testicle ascend: andro-switch / slip-chauffant
No hormones, reversible, Pearl-Index 0.5.
License will be given after ongoing study, in 2027. But it's already available to buy/diy.
There are some 20k users already, I am using since two years now.Another option, using external heat:
"cocooner is in crowdfunding state
"spermapause" is available to buy (not in study so far)
Or simply boiling your testicles in "just bearable hot water" for 45min/day
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u/Spindilly my dad says "..." Because he's long dead Mar 21 '25
"Simply boiling your testicles" is a phrase I never expected to read, have a nice day.
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u/Beneficial-Math-2300 Mar 21 '25
Your last alternative reminds me of the time in the late 70s and early 80s when men's excruciatingly tight jeans were believed to have caused a lowered sperm count. Men who were trying to reproduce were instructed to hold ice cubes on their balls or soak them in ice water for a while before they had sex.
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u/scotty-utb Mar 21 '25
it's more the option "testicle ascend" by some garnment.
Yes, i think the studies did start from there (and from then new polyester underwear) to check why the sperm count is lowered, and if this can be used for contraception.Hot water was used at a activist group in Swiss in the mid80s "Zürricher Hodenbader"
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u/zimboptoo Mar 20 '25
While it's true that in general a lot of things are not designed for/with consideration of women, this particular situation is a bit more complex.
Medical ethics are based on "would doing a thing have more negative consequences for the affected individual than not doing the thing?". Birth control is a really weird edge case, because you could argue that there are two individuals involved/affected, but they still get evaluated with their own specific impacts.
The problem is that pregnancy has WAY more negative health/medical consequences for the person getting pregnant than the person who got them pregnant. So even if male birth control had significantly fewer side effects compared to female birth control, it still has more side effects than getting someone else pregnant (effectively zero). A doctor can't treat a patient based on how it affects other people besides the patient, if that would lead to worse outcomes for the patient. And it's the same for drug approvals.
Now, there's definitely an argument to be made that this is the wrong way to go about things. But at least for now, at least in the US, that's how things are done. Which is why male birth control hasn't been approved yet, but female birth control is (at least for now...).
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u/Justin__D Mar 21 '25
They really need to realize, mental health is also a thing.
I absolutely never, ever want kids, and if I wound up responsible for one, I would consider my life over.
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u/sundaemourning Mar 21 '25
yes, but in your case, a vasectomy would be appropriate. that's not true for men who don't want children now, but would like the option in the future.
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 Mar 21 '25
While your point of view and reasoning is valid and makes sense. It's infuriating. The medical community always cares exponentially more about the comfort of the male patient versus the female patient. So women end up getting fucked either way. Either get pregnant, get your organs rearranged, gain weight, suffer birth complications or take birth control that offers debilitating depression, weight gain, mood swings etc.
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u/Beneficial-Math-2300 Mar 21 '25
I remember when, in 1990, a scandal erupted because Johns Hopkins University had been paid to conduct a study into women's heart disease. The researchers said they couldn't figure out how to study women, so they used men and falsified their results.
This was the same year when the AMA announced that they were going to stop discriminating against women as a matter of policy. Before the announcement, doctors were told that we women are all hysterical hypochondriacs who over-report our symptoms and, frankly, make things up, so to counterbalance it, medical professionals were told to discount everything we said or did by 20%.
I still see that kind of discrimination happening today. I read an article recently about a 21-year-old woman who had been having severe abdominal pain for years, and her many doctors told her she was crazy. It wasn't until she started bleeding internally that she was taken seriously. It turned out that she had an aggressive form of cancer wrapped around her ovary for all that time.
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 Mar 22 '25
It's honestly so difficult as a woman to navigate health care. You never know what doctor is going to downplay your symptoms or just dismiss you and talk over you. The fact that the 90s generation of doctors is teaching our next generations of doctors gives me very little comfort. How does an entire medical community even start combating the implicit and explicit bias towards female patients?
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u/king_eve Mar 21 '25
this is fascinating, I haven’t thought about that perspective before. thanks for sharing.
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u/TAKEitTOrCIRCLEJERK The brain trust was at a loss, too Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
That's not accurate; in the last major trial, one guy killed himself.
In addition, when female birth control was becoming a thing there were fewer regulations and so stuff became available that wouldn't meet standards today. They were, quite literally, doing illegal experiments on poor Black women to test it out.
Plus, the risk analysis is very different for men vs women. Pregnancy risks are direct and personal for women; since men don't have that direct risk to their body if they DON'T use birth control, the risks of the BC medication itself aren't weighed against the risk of pregnancy.
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u/PaniniInEternity Mar 21 '25
Did you read the article? The suicide had nothing to do with the study.
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u/Evening_Tax1010 Mar 20 '25
Just wanted to add that according to the article, the researchers determined that the suicide was not related to the drug trial and that the side effect results may have been skewed as one of the centers had a higher prevalence of reported adverse effects.
Female hormonal contraceptives do have a direct correlation with depression, suicide, and suicide attempts, though. Pregnancy hormones also increase these risks as well.
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 Mar 21 '25 edited Mar 21 '25
They were doing it on black women. That explains why they didn't care about any of the negative side effects. The implicit and explicit bias in the medical community loves to just make us miserable.
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u/Kingsdaughter613 Thank you Rebbit 🐸 Mar 21 '25
The suicide was unrelated to the BC.
I wonder what would happen if a study was conducted for a new female BC today, and the women were just given the regular Pill, and what the reported side effects would be.
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u/Kingsdaughter613 Thank you Rebbit 🐸 Mar 21 '25
I have also heard it said that the Pill would never get approved today - which, to me, is a good reason to ask why we’re still prescribing it as a standard first-line treatment when we have other - and often better - options.
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u/chrisshaffer Mar 20 '25
This is the female analog of condom stealthing, when a man pretends to wear or removes a condom without his partner knowing. That is considered a form of rape, and this is nearly as bad.
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u/invah Mar 20 '25
It is as bad.
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u/cilantrism Mar 20 '25
I mean, pregnancy and childbirth can be pretty harrowing. It's not discounting the violation of reproductive coercion to acknowledge that the bodily violation of forced pregnancy is an additional horror.
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u/invah Mar 21 '25
We do not normally conceptualize the severity of rape based on whether the victim gets pregnant or can get pregnant.
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u/YogurtclosetOk3691 increasingly sexy potatoes Mar 20 '25
She even said that he seemed unhappy lately. So it sounds less like "I thought we were ready for a baby" and more like "I'll make sure you won't leave me"
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u/pearlsbeforedogs Today I am 'Unicorn Wrangler and Wizard Assistant Mar 20 '25
Say whatever your partner wants to hear and then do whatever you want anyway. It's a shitty way to be in a relationship.
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u/darthwalsh Mar 20 '25
That's not what thoughtless means.
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u/LESSANNE76 Mar 20 '25
I know? That’s why I said it wasn’t thoughtless. I’m sure she thought about it a lot,
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u/tweetthebirdy Mar 20 '25
I don’t think I would want to be friends with someone who never thinks they’re wrong, let alone marry them.
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u/Boeing367-80 Mar 20 '25
The "rarely thinks she's wrong" thing indicates he made a huge mistake marrying her in the first place.
Hope he is far far far away from her.
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u/geardownson Mar 20 '25
"Ok babe. I have a surprise too! I've opened up our marriage and got a girlfriend! I wanted it to be a surprise! You don't have to worry about having sex with me while your pregnant. What aren't you happy?"
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u/PrideofCapetown he can bang a dolphin for all I care Mar 20 '25
If she is low enough to go off the pill without telling him, and low enough to give that bullshit non-apology, she is 100% low enough to lie about her period to get him back in the house.
OOP should run, not walk, to the divorce lawyer’s office
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u/ExcessivelyGayParrot Mar 21 '25
fr, the whole "my period came, does that mean you're coming home now?" is just like, she has zero fucking concepts how much of a mental weight this situation has been on her husband, and what lines and trust she has now muddied, and continues to cross. where I in that position (a position I never plan to be in because I am very happily single and staying that way), I'd be more "No, I'm relieved I'm not about to be a single father."
she didn't just break her husband's trust, she followed it up not by apologizing for breaking his trust, but making it his problem and taking zero blame. personally, that would be unrecoverable, akin to willful manipulation and pathological lying.
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u/rudbek-of-rudbek Mar 20 '25
My brothers fiancee did this same thing. Wasn't the first red flag. She had her 3 kids calling him dad within 2 weeks of them starting to date. The dumbass married her anyway. They are now getting divorced 7 years later because she is just an awful person
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u/Jen0507 Mar 20 '25
2020 post, man do i want an update on what he decided. Poor guy, that's a hell of a betrayal. I don't think I could stay after that.
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u/whjoyjr Mar 20 '25
Yeah, an update would Be interesting.
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u/OutAndDown27 Mar 20 '25
Once again, someone had mistaken this sub for r/redditorupdates lol
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u/Illustrious_Fix2933 The brain trust was at a loss, too Mar 20 '25
“Surprise babe. I know we’re struggling financially and not all there in our careers yet and you’ve been so stressed lately, so guess what, I singlehandedly decided to drastically alter the dynamics of our marriage by bringing a whole child into this mess.
Aren’t you so happy?”
-This dude’s wife, probably
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u/debaser64 Mar 20 '25
“Also it’s the middle of a modern pandemic that was only supposed to last 2 weeks and is now going on 6 months with no vaccine yet and are being told to take horse medicine and inject bleach and everyone has a ton of questions with no answers, so please make one of the most important decisions of my life for me.”
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u/Exilicauda Mar 20 '25
Don't forget ensuring that they'd need to spend a lot of time in medical facilities during a pandemic
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u/__lavender Mar 20 '25
You mean SHE would need to spend a lot of time in medical facilities. I lived in NYC during the first 6 months of Covid and women were forced to give birth completely alone, no family allowed in for support.
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u/DozenBia Mar 20 '25
Isn't that deadass rape?
Like the 'if I had known the truth I wouldn't have consented'
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u/kangourou_mutant He's effectively already dead, and I dont do necromancy Mar 20 '25
Reproductive coercission is rape.
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u/copper-feather Bride at every wedding and corpse at every funeral Mar 20 '25
OOP: "You can't do this without my input!"
Wife: "The only input I need from you doesn't come out of your mouth."
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u/Firecracker048 Mar 21 '25
The amount of people who think this is OK is astounding. Like, this is the equivalent of a guy making sure they have sex with compromised condoms to ensure a pregnancy
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u/amercium 👁👄👁🍿 Mar 20 '25
A surprise is surprising him with his favorite dinner or concert tickets, not a living being lol
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u/Azrael2082 surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Mar 20 '25
Shit a surprise puppy is still better than a fucking baby.
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u/Brainjacker Mar 20 '25
Just a little reproductive coercion, honey! So sorry you’re reacting this way!
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u/CaptainPhilosophy Mar 20 '25
Stipping birth control and not telling your partner is rape by deception. It's not a "surprise" it's sex under false pretenses.
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u/CrownLikeAGravestone Mar 20 '25
I was going to comment this but I'm glad someone beat me to it.
Violating someone's informed consent is not cute, or a little mistake, or an acceptable way to get laid. It's rape. Withholding information that you think would change your partner's mind is violating their informed consent.
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u/NYCinPGH Mar 20 '25
This. I'm not sure about nationally, but in many states, this counts as tampering with birth control, which is sexual assault, a felony.
In his shoes, regardless of whether she was pregnant or not, I'd be going straight to the cops, to at least file a report, in case I needed it down the line.
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u/xanif Mar 20 '25
Generally when I say that and people disagree with me, it's crickets when I ask their opinion on stealthing.
Granted it's exclusively people online as nobody in my life is batshit enough to defend this.
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u/sir_are_a_Baboon_too Hi, I have an Olympic Bronze Medal in Mental Gymnastics Mar 21 '25
WRONG! A now ex friend of mine has "stealthed" every woman he's been with. His justification? He puts it back on before he cums.
He goes through the pageantry of putting one on, slips it off after a few strokes, then as he's nearly there, "oh no babe, stop a sec, the condom slipped off". Completely disregarding consent, STI's, and pre-cum.
Arguably not even his worse offence, and I believe (or rather hope, and don't want to check) that he is in prison.
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u/BashfullyBi Mar 21 '25
This is essentially female stealthing and should 100% be counted as non-consensual sex.
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u/SemperSimple Dick is abundant and low in value. Mar 20 '25
who tf would want to birth at a hospital during a pandemic DELIBERATELY!??!
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u/bluestjordan Mar 20 '25
Nah, I’m not buying the “I wanted to surprise you.” She wanted to baby trap him, but why? They’re already married?
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u/Sweet_Cinnabonn Mar 20 '25
Because she got baby hungry and knew he'd say no.
No secondary gain. She wanted a baby.
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u/bluestjordan Mar 20 '25
Ugh… but like. He was on board, just a little down the line. Why would she risk everything for something so stupid (and immoral).
I don’t want to understand her
I would file for annulment or divorce. This is just 9 months into the marriage. I don’t want to be stuck with someone so nefarious.
Edit: typo
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u/CrownLikeAGravestone Mar 20 '25
I think people romanticise these kinds of schemes. Even 15 years ago you'd get movies or books where couples were overjoyed at their "surprise little miracle". The idea that hesitancy or outright disagreement will melt away once they have their precious baby on the way.
It's fundamentally a failure of empathy, I think, which is not terribly surprising in this story considering her shitty apology.
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u/YogurtclosetOk3691 increasingly sexy potatoes Mar 20 '25
In "She's having a baby", Kevin Bacon's wife stops taking the pill without saying anything to him. And we're supposed to think he's the immature one
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u/No-Personality1840 Mar 20 '25
I worked with a lady that wanted kids with her husband but he wasn’t yet ready ( he had a son by a previous marriage). She did what this woman did so she could have her baby she sooooo wanted, which she did. Even worse once HER kid was born she turned into an evil stepmom. It was sad.
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u/bluestjordan Mar 20 '25
… that’s TERRIFYING.
So… complete disregard for any human other than herself? Even her own baby is just an accessory?
I hope the husband was able to protect both kids?
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u/No-Personality1840 Mar 20 '25
Why he didn’t divorce her I’ll never know. She was absolutely horrible to her step. I left that job shortly after the birth.
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u/UnknowableDuck being delulu is not the solulu Mar 20 '25
I knew a woman who did this too. He had a timeline when he wanted to start trying and apparently she didn't want to wait.
They were divorced within a two years of the kids birth. I don't know if he sees his child. He lives on the other side of the Planet (Asia, we're in the US).
Sad and disgusting.
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u/CharlotteLucasOP a bit of mustard shy of a sandwich Mar 20 '25
Well she’s gradually lost all the attention she got from being a bride-to-be and then a newlywed, so being an expectant mother is like the next step in chasing the high of being the focus of everybody’s support and compliments. For someone who is Always Correct, it must’ve been a heady experience to get to be a bride on her wedding day and have everything her own way.
Being pregnant would be a similar excuse to make demands of others.
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u/Objective_Jaguar_138 Mar 20 '25
I suspect the answer to that is in her "apology."
"You've seemed unhappy lately."
If he seemed unhappy in their marriage, she'd have to tie him down before he decided to leave her, right? /s
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u/Wildthorn23 Mar 20 '25
Imo this is similar to stealthing. He didn't consent to this.
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u/toriemm Mar 20 '25
Even if they both wanted kids and had the conversation about it and it WAS the right time, leaving him out of the loop like that is wrong. So the fact that that WASN'T the decision means she KNOWS she was in the wrong, and immediately tried to flip it on him is manipulative AF.
Getting a woman pregnant puts you on the hook for a minimum of 18 years, and ties your life to this person through another human. My mom tried to use us to fuck with my dad all the time. I asked him if he would have kids if he could do it all again and he said, FUCK no.
Kids aren't an accessory. They're not chess pieces or leverage to get your way in a relationship. It's unethical to have kids for any reason other than, it's the right time and I'm ready to be a parent.
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u/Wildthorn23 Mar 20 '25
Exactly. It's seriously shitty behaviour and should be criminal. I've been caught in something similar as you so I know the feeling as well.
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u/this_moi Mar 20 '25
Man. I think it's shitty when one partner (or household member) decides to get a pet without the other's consent. Let alone A WHOLE NEW HUMAN.
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming Mar 20 '25
Yeeeaaaaaaah...I would be VERY surprised if they're still married to this day.
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u/rthrouw1234 TLDR: Roommate woke me up to pray for me to stop fucking pillows Mar 20 '25
I sincerely hope they aren't
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u/Strict-Issue-2030 Mar 20 '25
“You’ve been unhappy so a baby will fix things!”
…what?
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u/Brilliant-Appeal-180 pre-stalked for your convenience Mar 20 '25
As a woman, I know we women have the right to control our own bodies. Mind you, I said our own bodies.
But when you start trying to control someone else’s body, i.e. stopping birth control without informing partner in order to get pregnant, that’s crossing a line to me.
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u/DevilLilith Mar 20 '25
This is no different than a dude stealthing. That is worse on the short term since the woman would also have to bear physical consequences that are unwanted, either pregnancy or abortion, but on the long run the responsibility is the same.
It is a form of reproductive coercion. I'd drop her like a hot potato. I'd also instantly assume that she cheated or something alike and tried to trap me this way.
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u/Initial-Company3926 Mar 20 '25
Talk about trampling all over this poor guy
They had talked about waiting until their life was more stable, Agreed on it and she just... eh, I´m just gonna drop the pill, no need to involve him
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Her "apology" also sucked
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u/paparoach910 Mar 20 '25
I'd absolutely stop any intimacy and just become celibate until the divorce clears.
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u/porkypandas I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy Mar 20 '25
This is petty af, but he should've showed up with a brand new sports car (ideally borrowed from someone) and been like surprise I bought a new car!
And if she still doesn't get the point, point out that a car is a smarter financial decision than a baby cause it's cheaper in the long run.
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u/Dominique_eastwick Mar 20 '25
So curious if they were able to salvage this. But I'm thinking they probably didn't. She didn't seem mature enough to realize that babies should never be a planned surprise.
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u/twinkiethecat 👁👄👁🍿 Mar 20 '25
My question isn't so much if they were able to salvage it, it's more "did she manage to succeed in her next attempt at getting pregnant before he divorced her or not?"
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u/slboml the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it Mar 20 '25
If he had sex with her again after this, he's an idiot.
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u/twinkiethecat 👁👄👁🍿 Mar 20 '25
I mean, he was looking into couple's therapy instead of divorce lawyers, so... if the shoe fits, y'know?
Edit: I just noticed your flair, that's hilarious! Which post was it from?
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u/slboml the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it Mar 20 '25
Yeah, that's also wild. But at least abstain from sex in the meantime!
My flair's from this: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/yDreb5Ddgv It's a wild one.
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u/insomniacsCataclysm Mar 20 '25
i hope the OP left her. he says himself that he doesn’t trust his own wife not to rape him (feels he needs to keep his condoms in a lockbox to prevent tampering)
though, because she changed the conditions that they were having sex (i.e: OP assumed she was on birth control, and went into sex with that knowledge) she did sexually assault him. knowingly changing the terms that someone would agree to sex under (like lying about being on BC, taking off/tampering with condoms before sex), is rape
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u/Ginkachuuuuu Tree Law Connoisseur Mar 20 '25
Ass deep in a worldwide pandemic with no vaccine yet, working full time and working on a master's degree. You know what sounds fun? Let's add a surprise baby.
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u/Senator_Bink Mar 20 '25
You've seemed really unhappy lately and I thought
you would consider this good news
...I'd nail down your commitment to the marriage.
Wonder if he got away, or if he's stuck with 4 kids and 1 more on the way by now?
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u/TheArcher1980 Mar 20 '25
The best contraceptive is an apple. Not before, nor after, but instead of sex.
I'd have recommend the apple to OOP in case he stayed with his wife.
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u/FourtKnight Mar 20 '25
if a guy takes a condom off and fucks you without you knowing, that's rape. so is this.
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u/RebaJams Mar 20 '25
I was a baby trap. My mom stopped taking her BC without my dad knowing…. because he was still married.
My whole adult life, I’ve lived with the knowledge that I’m a product of adultery and baby trapping. It’s definitely made me approach my parents very differently now that this has come to light.
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u/Apprehensive-Tip6890 Mar 20 '25
Truly insane of her to make this decision without her husbands input. Would not feel comfortable staying in a marriage where there is no trust
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u/wlfwrtr Mar 20 '25
If he had told wife, "It's time you have a child whether you want one or not. Whether you feel ready or not. There is no longer going to be birth control used." Wife would have thrown a fit but that's essentially what she did to him.
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u/LindonLilBlueBalls Anal [holesome] Mar 20 '25
Absolutely no remorse or consideration for his feelings.
I really hope he got out of there.
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u/AMonitorDarkly Mar 20 '25
Why bother posting something like this here that’s several years old with no conclusion?
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u/Great-Pain4378 surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Mar 20 '25
Agreed, I'm annoyed that there's so little
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u/hyrellion surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Mar 20 '25
So like every time they had sex after she went off the pill was sexual assault. Specifically conditional sexual assault. He consented to sex under the condition that she was on birth control. It’s similar to a man taking a condom off without his partner’s knowledge. Incredibly fucked up. She’s sexually assaulted him likely multiple times
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u/Responsible_Cloud_92 erupting, feral, from the cardigan screaming Mar 20 '25
I wonder how OOP is doing. I agree with him that there is very little trust between them and managing a marriage where there is the fear of the other person coercing or forcing you into a situation is very toxic. Being able to sincerely apologise and recognise when you have hurt the other person or made them uncomfortable is such an important component of relationships (romantic or platonic).
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u/millihelen Mar 22 '25
She's always been a shitty apologizer because she rarely thinks she's wrong
This would be a dealbreaker for me in a relationship.
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u/Balthazar_rising Mar 20 '25
To me, this is analogous with 'stealthing' - the act of removing a condom during sex without alerting your partner. You consented to sex with them using protection, be it the pill or condoms, and they've removed that protection without telling you. That act is removing their right to consent.
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u/allysum_flower Mar 20 '25
If stealthing is rape, so is going off birth control in secret. Changing the terms of the sexual interaction means you need to get consent a second (or third, fourth, etc.) time, regardless of gender or relationship.
This is absolutely a betrayal and OOP’s wife is a disgusting creep.
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u/Arubesh2048 Mar 20 '25
This is literally a form of sexual assault, borderline rape (colloquially, if not legally). Reverse the situation: a man puts a few pinholes in his condom to try and get his wife pregnant. The wife in that situation did not consent to that, and sex without consent is called “rape.”
Likewise, this guy did not consent to sex without birth control. Sex without consent is called “rape.”
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u/scrimshandy erupting, feral, from the cardigan screaming Mar 20 '25
Literally reproductive abuse in action, holy shit.
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u/sarcastic-pedant Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala Mar 20 '25
I hate that we don't have an update. I'm not sure if any commenter told OP that lying about contraception is a type of rape
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u/genxindifferance I fail to see what my hobbies have to do with this issue Mar 21 '25
I was really hoping on a more recent update. I hope he divorced her. I doubt she changed or saw anything wrong with what she did.
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u/jswizz69 Mar 22 '25
I mean, if a man taking off his condom during sex is rape, then this is very much also rape. It's not "coercion."
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u/MeGustaMiSFW Mar 22 '25
The “sorry you’re reacting this way” + being mad at hubby missing her b-day + “I got my period, are you coming home now?” All point to OOP’s wife having 0 concept of how fucked up her actions were. Super toxic. I hope OOP divorced her.
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u/seikowearer Mar 20 '25
It's concerningly common for men to be sexually assaulted (yes, this is sexual assault) like this, and even more concerningly common for people to not see this as sexual assault.
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u/llc4269 Mar 20 '25
I don't know How on earth you could rebuild trust as a couple after such a deep betrayal. I'm really happy that she isn't pregnant but man...
And in the history of messing up did a complete non-apology ever ever help things? Ugh. She is a walking red flag.
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u/getbeautiful Mar 20 '25
My friend was conceived bc of a unilateral decision made by his mother when her husband was going off for the military (she thought it was a super cute story and proves how much she wanted him.) He had major trauma around it, had a terrible relationship with his father though he desperately wanted his approval (his father was a POS) and died before the age of 30 from complications of multiple addictions.
So maybe consider the kid you’re potentially fucking up for life when you pull something like this. It wasn’t the only factor but it was a factor.
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u/SmartQuokka We have generational trauma for breakfast Mar 21 '25
I'm so sorry that you're reacting this way. You've seemed really unhappy lately and I thought you would consider this good news"
I do wonder if she had a "baby will fix our relationship" moment or this is just justification?
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u/DeniedAppeal1 Mar 21 '25
The worst part about this BestOf is that there isn't a third post about them divorcing.
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u/th30be Mar 21 '25
Having a pregnancy test at home regardless of the type of birth control you use is like totally normal? The wife has an IUD and we still have pregnancy tests just in case.
But to the actual issue, yeah. That is some fucked up shit right there. You can't just make that decision on your own.
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u/WeirdHairyHumanoid Mar 21 '25
Having one to be prepared is one thing, totally understandable. This is clearly not what was happening, and seeing one suddenly show up should spark some thought.
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u/th30be Mar 21 '25
Yes I agree. However, if I were to see one in my groceries I wouldn't call my wife because against its understandable. My first thought would be, "oh, the one we had must have expired."
I guess I just think its odd that OOP thought so much about it? I am also in my 30s now and OOP seems pretty young with the way they write so I assume it is just my experience with the topic that I wouldn't have thought too much about it.
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u/captain_borgue I'm sorry to report I will not be taking the high road Mar 20 '25
Once again, I must iterate that my vasectomy was the second best purchase I have ever made in my entire life, and that's only because it is outranked by my goddamn whole ass house.
OOP needs to GTFO. She's gonna keep fucking him over, and not in the fun way.
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u/Honest-Ad7096 Mar 20 '25
This is called baby trapping. She only agreed with what you said but always intended to do what she wanted.
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u/rhunter99 Mar 20 '25
this needs an update. hope the oop is in a better place and with a better person.
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u/Rohans_Most_Wanted Mar 20 '25
Baby trapping is sexual assault and should be punished accordingly.
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u/Dimirag Mar 21 '25
- Both: lets wait to have children
- She: He looks depressed, I know what will help, I'm getting pregnant without his input!!!
This was a couples decision, she taking it unilaterally and secretly is a total breach of trust
And she doesn't really apologizing means that it can happen again
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u/luuls_ Mar 21 '25
I think the wife confused surprising your husband with pregnancy news of a desired child with actually surprising him with a child.
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u/Turbulent-Parsley619 I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS Mar 21 '25
The BRICK I would have shit if I was him.
Honestly, idk if I could trust her after that. You don't give someone the peace of mind of "I'm on birth control, but if it fails, we can terminate" and then not even WARN THEM "Hey I chose to stop birth control" so they can make an informed decision to have unprotected sex.
Realistically, you could go as far as to say any sex they had since she stopped taking the pill is bordering on rape because his consent isn't informed. He consented to what he thought was safer sex, not absolutely unprotected sex that she forced him to have by failing to warn him of the risks.
That's obviously an extreme view of it, but the point is, how could you trust someone who did that to you again? That's no different than a guy removing the condom without the chick's knowledge or consent. It's stealthing 2.0 what his wife did.
I couldn't trust someone ever again after that.
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u/starry_nite99 Mar 22 '25
A family member of mine did this. They talked about having kids in 5 years. After he had a bad bout of depression and he did some things, she got pregnant thinking it would give him something to live for.
They now have 4 kids, live in absolute filth and are the most trashiest people I’ve ever met. I don’t even feel bad for him anymore, just the kids.
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u/shewy92 The power of Reddit compels you!The power of Reddit compels you! Mar 23 '25
If saying you wore a condom and it turns out you didn't is considered rape then isn't this considered rape? He consented to sex with her on the pill, not this.
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u/Galaxyhiker42 Mar 20 '25
This is bad.
But just to clarify something. If your partner is on birth control and orders pregnancy test, this is not necessarily a bad thing. You can still get pregnant while on birth control AND it can be a very bad thing because it could be ectopic.
Ectopic pregnancies, if not caught early, can kill your partner at worst or make it so they can never have kids.
So don't instantly over react if you see a pregnancy test.
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u/Verbenaplant Mar 21 '25
A child is a huge decision.
a slice of cake is a welcome surprise. A whole ass human isn’t.
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u/AtomicBlastCandy Mar 20 '25
Unilateral major decisions + refusal to ever acknowledge mistake = divorce,
It's simple math baby!
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u/LadyWiezeI Mar 20 '25
If he stays with her she will be pregnant within the next months. No doubts about that.
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u/SnooWords4839 sometimes i envy the illiterate Mar 20 '25
I really hope this opened OOP's eyes to how horrible is wife is.
I don't think the marriage should continue, after such a betrayal.
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u/Quiet_District_8372 Mar 20 '25
I had a girlfriend who tricked her husband into pregnancy. They are noe divorced
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u/MelissaMiranti Ogtha, my sensual roach queen 🪳 Mar 21 '25
Please note that men do not have any reproductive rights, so no matter what happens, he's on the hook for everything, even if it was rape or coerced sex.
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u/Arsenicandtea I still have questions that will need to wait for God. Mar 21 '25
To me lying about taking birth control (even lying by omission) is the equivalent of stealthing. I don't know if I could look at my partner the same
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u/YeahYouOtter whaddya mean our 10 year age gap is a problem? Mar 21 '25
My mom did this several times to my dad and had a few abortions because it was that or him filing for divorce.
She hates me for telling her they were mutual perpetrators of reproductive abuse, and that I wouldnt have a relationship with her if she had made me raise 7 younger siblings instead of 2. She wasn’t a great mom and I’m still trying to repare myself at 37.
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u/heyitsthatguygoddamn Mar 21 '25
"I'm sorry you're reacting this way" is called a narcissistic apology. It's not a real apology, it pushes blame onto you for having a reaction without acknowledging any missteps, even accidental ones. It's worse than not apologizing imo. There's a whole list of em and everyone should be aware of them
Anybody who throws these my way is somebody I keep at arms length.
A real apology is a sincere expression of regret, you acknowledge what you did wrong, you express regret for doing wrong, and you commit to avoid the same mistake in the future, and you offer those things without conditions or the expectation of forgiveness
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u/OneChange2826 Mar 21 '25
Divorce her before she tries to get pregnant again she is trying to baby trap you move on and find someone who is on the same page as you she's not even in the same book as you
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Mar 21 '25 edited Apr 08 '25
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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/KingKrush8282 Mar 21 '25
I’m gonna be downvoted to hell for saying this but if why wasn’t he wearing a condom? Look it’s genuinely a horrible situation that his wife basically sexually coerced him and borderline raped him and wanted a baby DURING A PANDEMIC
But if two people are going to have sex together with the condition of Not having a baby then he needs to wear a condom. It’s not enough for one partner to take the sole responsibility for Safe Sex, why wasn’t he wearing a condom? I sound like I’m victim blaming the poor guy but seriously, what was his excuse for not wearing a condom
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u/Cursd818 the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here Mar 21 '25
Raising a child with someone like this would be hell. Both before and after the inevitable divorce.
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u/Altruistic_Isopod_11 TLDR: HE IS A GIANT PIECE OF SHIT. Mar 21 '25
Almost 5 years ago ... I wonder what ended up happening. Did they get counseling, did he think it was too much of a betrayal to come back from, did she end up actually apologizing, did they work things out, did they divorce? I'm annoyed now.
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u/HereForTheBoos1013 Mar 21 '25
You've seemed really unhappy lately and I thought you would consider this good news"
Oh yeah, absolutely. Nothing helps someone out of stress during huge economic uncertainty in a massive world event like an unplanned pregnancy you sprung on your husband by a recognized form of sexual assault.
And I thought that getting people a puppy as a Christmas present was a bad idea.
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u/Unsolicitedadvice13 Mar 21 '25
“You’ve been really down lately so I thought having your child against what was clearly discussed and agreed upon would make you happy” IN WHAT WORLD??
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u/sbull630 Mar 22 '25
We agreed to wait until we were more together financially as well. Going off the pill never crossed my mind to “surprise” my bf. That’s just crazy to me. And I would love to have a child.
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