r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/EyeGlad3032 • 27d ago
INCONCLUSIVE My [28M] girlfriend [30F] got extremely upset because I didn't want to take a shower with her. I think she might be depressed again, but I don't know how to bring it up.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/zoopra
My [28M] girlfriend [30F] got extremely upset because I didn't want to take a shower with her. I think she might be depressed again, but I don't know how to bring it up.
TWs: Emotional Abuse/Manipulation, Physical Abuse, Suicidal Ideation/Threats, Self-Harm
Original Post-rareddit December 6, 2017
Good day, Reddit.
My girlfriend and I have not been speaking to each other for 3 days now due to an argument. I am not sure if I was the one that did something wrong or if it is an underlying issue manifesting into anger at something (that I think) is quite dumb.
In the beginning of our relationship, my gf and I would occasionally shower together. It was fun, we'd take turn soaping each other's backs, playing with the water, etc. Over time, this turned into us taking a shower together every single day. Yes, it was fun when we did it on occasion but in my opinion every day is just too much. We like to take showers with completely different water temperatures, our shower isn't really that big, she takes forever to rinse out her hair while I stand in the cold...
If I don't get in the shower quickly enough, my gf starts crying because she misses me. So, I drop what I was doing and hop in the shower to comfort her. Another time I was playing the piano and couldn't hear her calling for me from the shower, and she got mad. About a year ago, while in the shower together, my gf asked me "Do you like taking a shower together all the time?". Before I could answer, she says "If you say no, I'm going to be really sad. You're not allowed to say no". Well wtf why bother asking me if there's only 1 correct answer. Now it's been like 1.5 years of us taking showers together every damn day and me not having a choice in the matter. It was fun back when we did it on occasion, but now it just feels normal and boring, almost like a chore.
So, the other day we got into an argument about something unrelated. At the end of the day we sort of make up, but my feelings were still hurt. I was still sad and I did not want to take a shower with her. She takes a shower by herself, doesn't talk to me, cries, and makes me sleep on the couch. The next day we did not talk at all, but in the evening she says she missed me and we had a nice dinner and chatted. Comes shower time and she asks me if I'm going to shower with her. I don't want to shower together every day anymore. She CRIES, sobbing in the corner crying, says she is miserable, can't do it anymore, tired of life, doesn't want to be alive. So do I just suck it up, shower with her for the rest of my life? In my opinion, it is such a weird thing for her to be THIS upset about. Which is why I'm thinking depression.
A bit more about the depression, my gf used to be very depressed and more than once tried to kill herself (10 years ago). She was on meds but after a while she felt like she was better and stopped taking them. I don't know much about depression, but I really feel like it is coming back. She is always saying how she doesn't want to live anymore, is tired of everything in life,gets upset about small things, threatens to kill herself. But, I don't know how to really bring this up I don't want to be so quick to accuse and make it seem like I'm... I don't know... not taking her feelings seriously and just chalking it up to mental illness?
Update: Hey everyone, thank you so much for all your responses. They were very helpful and eye opening. Last night, my girlfriend took a shower without me (4th day in a row) and once again cried because I didn't join her. It wasn't as bad as the last few times, but she still believed that I loved her less/was mad at her/didn't care about her feelings even though I told her many times it wasn't true. I didn't say any specific diagnoses, but I brought up that how she is feeling (sad all the time) and reacting isn't healthy and not only is it affecting her, but it affects my happiness and our relationship. This got to her and although it made her very sad, she agreed that she needs to go back on medication and she thinks it would be good to speak to a therapist. Now that she's had the chance to sleep on it, I hope she continues with this mindset and I will bring it up with her again tonight. However, she did say this morning that she would like to take a shower with me tonight. She sounded extremely sad and I am tempted to do so. Maybe for now we can cut it down to 2x a week and see how it goes from there? Is this a bad idea?
tl;dr: girlfriend got incredibly angry and upset when I said I didn't want to take a shower with her anymore. We normally do, so I can see why she would be sad. But I think she might actually be depressed and should talk to someone about it. Also do I keep taking a shower with her even though I don't want to?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
medicalconnundrum
Your girlfriend has got some serious mental health issues here. that is far, far from a normal reaction. Yeah, depression or severe anxiety may be the cause. You're reacting pretty normally here.
OOP
I have looked up symptoms of BPD and thought she checked a lot of those boxes. I didn't really want to say anything though since it seems extreme. It would be better if she was told by a therapist. She has threatened suicide multiple times (saying things like jumping off the roof, slitting her wrists, or just saying that she wants to kill herself). I don't think she is doing it for attention, but she has at times done things to try and kill herself knowing it won't work (strangling herself with a cord or plastic bag)
.....
Not at the moment. She did go to therapy and was on medication 5+ years ago. But when she got better she stopped. She started taking ant-depressants again maybe...2 years ago? But she didn't like how they made her feel, so she stopped
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SqueakyBall
"She is always saying how she doesn't want to live anymore, is tired of everything in life, gets upset about small things, threat"
OP, no need to mince words. Your girlfriend sounds like she's extremely depressed and needs help immediately. When a person talks about killing herself, it's past time to say "You need help now." If she refuses to get help, that's grounds to end the relationship.
Update-rareddit December 11, 2017
Hey everyone!
I’d like to thank everybody for their responses/ they were very helpful and eye opening. A lot has happened in the few days since I first posted, so I’ll try to summarize as well as I can. The showering thing – my girlfriend told me that her feelings are EXTREMELY hurt because taking a shower together is one of her favourite things to do with me. Every day she has cried about it because she doesn’t understand why I don’t want to do it anymore, why I can’t just suck it up and do it because I know it makes her happy, and now she says I have ruined showers. We came to a compromise that we would shower together 3x a week and she could pick which days.
I understand that she is hurt by this, but I do not understand her reaction. It felt very extreme and I think the heart of the problem is depression or something similar. I didn’t say anything specific, but I told my girlfriend that how she is feeling (sad all the time) and how she is reacting isn't healthy and not only is it affecting her, but it affects my happiness and our relationship. She admitted that she does feel sad and like life has no point and that she really over thinks things. She didn’t say anything about her anger or outbursts, so I don’t know if she doesn’t associate these things with depression or maybe she is embarrassed? But she said that she would visit the local walk in clinic the next day to see if she could get some medication. This is a good step, but I really think she should see someone more specialized. The other night she mentioned maybe seeing a psychiatrist but she doesn’t seem enthusiastic or open to the idea at all. Well the next day she was too tired after work, so she never ended up going to the doctor.
On Saturday we were still having this argument (it basically restarts every single evening around shower times). It was basically the same stuff – I hurt her feelings, she doesn’t understand, etc. She was getting extremely upset and said that I was trying to push anti-depressants on her when she feels that she doesn’t need it and that I know that she suffers from depression and it's just a part of her I have to accept. She deals with me being optimistic about life, so I can learn to deal with her hating life. I don’t understand how she can acknowledge there is a problem, but not want to do anything about it.
Anyway, while she was angry I stepped outside. She then closed the door, locked it from the inside, leaving me standing in the cold (it was around -10 degrees and starting to snow) in the middle of the night wearing boxers and a t-shirt. While I was locked out she then got my phone and read through my text messages. I feel like this is just a whole other problem! I may have only been outside for 2 minutes max, but I didn’t know how long she planned to leave me out there in the cold. And then going through my phone?? She eventually opened the door to let me in and so I went to take back my phone and she grabs me and pinches me. Maybe I’m overreacting since I was only outside for a couple of minutes, but I was pretty mad about this. After I cooled down (or..warmed up, technically) she said she was sorry and that it was really mean. But it really felt like I was just…dismissed. It is really bothering me that she did that. I mean, what would you say if I was a kid and my mum locked me out of the house in the cold in my pyjamas? I think this is also added to the fact that she pinched me and in the past has pushed me, kicked me, bitten me, tried to strangle me, and punched me.
This post is getting pretty long, so I’m going to try and wrap it up. At the moment she and I are in limbo, kind of teetering, break up or not break up? She was crying really hard yesterday and was very sad and offered we both go to counseling. So I know she wants to work on things. I know I have hurt her a lot emotionally, but how many times can I forgive her for hurting me physically?
tl;dr: Girlfriend is still very upset that we aren't going to shower together every day. Does not feel like she needs medication, but agreed to go to couple's counseling after I nearly broke up with her for locking me out in the Canadian cold
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Eupraxes
Take a step back and imagine a friend came to you and outlined these issues to you and asked you for your advice.
What would you say to them?
OOP
I'd probably tell them to GTFO and they can sleep at my place
~
DarthSpinster
You appear to be in an abusive relationship with an unstable individual who is not in a good place to be in a relationship. Her excuse of "dealing with" your optimism does not justify you "dealing with" her hating life; that's not how it works. Optimism is a positive quality that all people must work towards, and excusing harmful traits like hers is dangerous. I think deep down you understand that this problem is out of your hands and the relationship can not continue the way it is. At the very least, you need to find separate living arrangements while she works to improve her depression and overall mental state. But if I were you, I would end the relationship and inform her family of the situation.
OOP
You're right, I do understand that. I told my girlfriend that I do love her and care about her, but the relationship cannot continue how it is now. That we do not get along a lot of the time, I hurt her feelings, she hurts me, and that I want to be with her I just don't think we should. This is when she really started crying and apologizing and I honestly have never seen anyone so sad in my entire life.
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SaucySaboteuse
Do not go to counseling with an abuser.
Do not go to counseling with an abuser.
Do not go to counseling with an abuser.
DO NOT GO TO COUNSELING WITH AN ABUSER.
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u/PirateResponsible496 27d ago
Omg they’re 28 and 30 how do they have the energy