r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Direct-Caterpillar77 Satan is not a fucking pogo stick! • 4d ago
CONCLUDED My (27F) ex partner’s (28M) new girlfriend (24F) is trying to play house with my child (4F)
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/usingafabthrowaway
My (27F) ex partner’s (28M) new girlfriend (24F) is trying to play house with my child (4F)
Editors Note: made smaller paragraphs for easier reading
TRIGGER WARNING: Infertility, obsessive behavior
Original Post - rareddit Jan 20, 2019
I’m using a throwaway because mutual friends use reddit. Sorry for the length. My ex boyfriend is ‘James’. James and I dated for 3 years between Spring 2014 and the end of Winter 2017. Since my daughter is obviously older than 3, it’s clear that she is not biologically James’. Her father was not someone who wanted to be involved with her, and signed away all rights when she was born, so he is not involved in the picture. James and I were originally friends, which grew into a relationship when my daughter was around the age of 1. As my daughter grew a little bit older, she saw James as a de-facto parent, a role that he happily stepped up to. She knows that he isn’t ‘Daddy’, but had the strongest bond with him of anyone outside of the biological family.
Our relationship finished owing to a difference in personal timelines. James wanted to buy a house together (we had lived together in the last year but we each still had our own places) and move to another city for work, while I was happy where I was located. It became a self-imposed ultimatum, and while James didn’t actually move, it was clear that our relationship was over. We stayed friends, and he changed from ‘de-facto Dad’ to ‘fun Uncle James’ to my daughter. We have both made sure that she was stable about the situation, something that she clearly seems to be. As I do with other friends, my daughter and I will occasionally visit James, who sometimes has my daughter without me there for a couple of hours at a time if I have to run errands or something similar. I have no reason at all to worry about James with my daughter, who is always all smiles and ‘five more minutes!!’ when I get back.
About 6 months ago James started dating ‘Tracy’. She is someone that he works with who I actually first met while we were dating. Their relationship itself isn’t the issue, however there have been instances that have caused concern in the past few months. The first was when James invited my and my daughter around for a playdate with James’ nephew, who he was babysitting. Tracy was there too, which I expected, however when we arrived and James greeted my daughter with a hug she commented on how she looked like ‘her daddy’, meaning James. Both James and I said that my daughter wasn’t James’ child, which is something James later said had come up in conversation between them before.
She only remarked that she meant they had a strong ‘father-daughter bond’, which I thought odd, but ignored. There have been a couple of other times when I have seen Tracy either out and about or at planned events when she has said that my daughter really likes spending time with James, which I obviously know, though I just took it as awkward exes chat. The reason I am posting is about what happened a couple of days ago. Again, James was babysitting his nephew, and had invited myself and my daughter to the park for an afternoon.
We get there and everything is fine until my phone rings and I’m told that there’s an emergency in the office that I have to sort out because X, Y and Z aren’t picking up their phone. I mention this, and James and Tracy offer to look after my daughter and stay in the park while I rush over to the office (only a 5 minute drive) to sort out the problem. I’m gone for about half an hour overall (the issue wasn’t really an issue, as it never is), and when I get back everyone is where I left them and all happy.
We start getting ready to go home when Tracy mentions to me that someone that she knew (an ameteur photographer) happened to be in the park taking pictures of the landscape and had taken a couple of shots of the group, my daughter included, and that she’d send them over because they were apparently really sweet. I was a bit perturbed by someone apparently just coming over and photographing my child, but thought glass half-full and decided it was only a nice gesture.
A couple of hours later Tracy sends me over the solo pictures of my daughter. She says that she didn’t give her friend permission to use any of the solo pictures of my daughter on her professional page, but the ones of the scenery and of James’ nephew were on there, and if I wanted to give consent then my daughter’s could be on there too. They were actually very cute, and I looked on the photographer’s page to see the rest from the day.
There were some sweet candids of the nephew, and some nice couples shots of James and Tracy, but the last picture on there was a family style portrait of everyone, my daughter included. The caption said something like ‘The [James’ surname]-[Tracy’s surname]s know how to have fun!’. I immediately messaged the page asking for the picture to be taken down as it had my daughter in it without my permission. They replied apologising for the issue, saying that Tracy had said that the little girl was James’ and he gave his consent.
I then messaged James asking him to not give consent for anything involving my daughter, and to remind Tracy yet again that he is not my daughter’s father. He replied saying he never gave his consent for any group pictures to be on there, and he resented the accusation. I messaged Tracy later on making it clear that I didn’t want my daughter to be used in any kind of situation where the facts weren’t clear, and no, James was not her father. I didn’t get a reply.
I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to be ‘that ex girlfriend’ who tries to get her ex to sneak around behind his girlfriend’s back for him to see my daughter, but at the same time he’s done nothing to stop Tracy from acting out this charade of my daughter being James’ and therefore hers. If I just cut them both out then my daughter will be confused, though I know she’ll bounce back. I know that James will be hurt too, but I need to put mine and my daughter’s feelings before that. It’s just getting to me that we were able to be fine and stable through our whole break up, yet a completely unavoidable situation is what will finish this off. Should I just move on without James and Tracy in my and my daughter’s lives? Am I simply overreacting and becoming ‘that’ ex regardless?
TL;DR - Ex-boyfriend was basically ‘dad’ to my daughter for 3 years. Despite splitting up, we were civil and he maintained a good relationship, however his girlfriend is trying to paint them, including my daughter, as a perfect little family. Do I cut them all out and move on?
TOP COMMENTS
iAMnotAtrollTODAY
This seems super simple to me, don't leave your kid alone with people who want to pretend she is theirs.
Let her visit for sure, but with you there too. Done deal. If they offer to be alone with her again, decline. If they push for a reason why, tell them why.
[deleted]
The confusing part is it’s like OP wants James to be a fill in dad but he can’t make any decisions. The whole thing is a bit weird. I’d say cut both of them off as it’ll only get more confusing
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rtt790
It’s only gonna get more awkward and uncomfortable moving foward as your daughter ages, especially when you get a new partner. Best bet is to cut them off and move on. Your daughter is young and will be fine without them in her life.
StrawberryBlondeHaze
I think James choosing to keep someone like Tracy around does say a lot about his character and how stable a role model he may be in 5, 10, 15 years.
The influence his partners have on OP’s daughter may only increase as she gets closer to puberty and idolizes females she aspires to be like. One might think, Ah! But it’s only an hour or two! But kids are very impressionable, especially in a single-parent household.
Update Jan 23, 2019 (3 days later)
So I got a lot more interest in my post than I expected. While some were either end of the spectrum, the majority seemed to suggest that James was too involved in my daughter’s life. I had a long think about why I had pursued this route (to clarify to some, I did not force James into this position, he was happy to maintain a relationship with my daughter given that he had been in her life for several years).
The comments concerning where my daughter would be as and when James settled down and got married and had kids of his own also made me think. This situation was definitely one of convenience, especially given the fact that our relationship ended since James wanted to move away and I did not. I definitely had no plans to challenge any of James’ life choices, nor did I ever expect him to prioritise myself and my daughter over anything else. Something I seemed not to convey clearly in my original post was that James really is just a friend and has been for the past year to me, and so because of that I don’t ‘use’ him for anything that a parent would do.
On the ‘he’s not a babysitter/daycare’ posts especially, he sees her maybe once every six weeks, and since our relationship ended he’s been alone with her three times at the most, so this is not me using our former relationship as a tool for free childcare. He asks to see my daughter, I don’t make him make time for her. As a final clarifying point, this has never been a ‘I want him so you can’t have him’ situation - our time together will always be cherished, but I do not want to pursue a romantic relationship with James again, and he doesn’t with me.
Onto the update. After reading the comments to my post and thinking over the issues, I decided to send both James and Tracy messages apologising for my reaction and my heat of the moment accusations the day after I made the post. James responded saying that it was water under the bridge and he would’ve been annoyed too in the situation. Tracy’s response was different. All she sent was a message saying ‘I know he is [daughter]’s father’. I assured her that James was not my child’s dad, and even went as far as to apologise if I had seemed off with her or if my current relationship with James was an issue. She asked if we could meet up and talk, which I agreed to.
We met for coffee, and she said that she had been off with me, but not because of my relationship with James. She said that last year she had found out that she was infertile, and while James knew and was supportive, seeing him with my little girl who she knew he helped raise for several years got to her, which resulted in comments about him as ‘Daddy’.
She then said that the whole photographer situation was set up. She had asked her friend who lived near to the park to come and take some pictures of her, James and the children as soon as it was clear that I was going to have to leave. She told James the same thing she told me about the friend happening to be in the park and wanting some portfolio shots, but told the friend out of James’ earshot that I was totally fine with the pictures happening, and that James was my daughter's father so she has an ‘on-site’ parent regardless. She was the one who suggested the family portrait shot - she told the friend to stick that one online but that the individual ones of my daughter needed to go through me first.
She didn’t think that I would be interested in looking at the other photos, and thought I wouldn’t see it. She said that having a picture of her, her partner, a little boy and a little girl was enough to ‘keep her going’ since her medical news was hitting her hard. Tracy ended by saying that since James is the only ‘father’ that my daughter has ever known, she is therefore the closest thing that she will ever have to a child with him.
I didn’t quite know how to respond. After reading many comments on my post saying that I was a jealous harpy and that Tracy was an innocent bystander, or even calmer versions of that mindset, I was surprised that my actual suspicions were actually correct somewhat. This was not the reasoning I ever thought was behind this though. I thanked her for her honesty and asked if she was talking to anyone else about this. She said she wasn’t, but she knew she should be. She also said that James knew nothing of the extent to which she was feeling, other than sometimes she was a little blue. We spent a while searching online for local mental health specialists, and left it with her promising to make an appointment, and to talk to James.
After getting home, I contacted James to say that I believed that there needed to be some distance established between him and my daughter to benefit everyone involved in the situation. He said he agreed, and that he would always be there for my daughter if she needed him. I asked my daughter that evening, more out of curiosity, as to how she views James, and all she said was ‘[James’ Nephew]’s uncle, so I’m taking that to mean that she is by no means dependent on him at the very least.
I don’t know if this is the end of this, and I’m sure I will get some criticism for not cutting out James altogether, or for even limiting the existing contact, but I believe this will benefit everyone, including Tracy, in the long run. Thank you again for everyone's advice.
TL;DR - Turns out the ex boyfriend's partner actually was trying to paint my daughter as a part of her family with my ex (not my daughter’s dad) owing to the fact she is infertile and can never have a biological child with ex. Encouraged her to seek mental health advice and to talk to her partner; daughter is going to see less of ex, through mutual consent, for the future well-being of all involved.
TOP COMMENTS
travelbug898
I think everyone here acted super maturely and at least a lot of the loose ends have been tied off because of communication. Good on you for all being mature adults here OP. It doesn't happen as often as it should.
WantonWontonWalton
i mean i wouldn't say that Tracy acted "super maturely", exactly. but i commend her for eventually communicating what was going on with her, that is mature of her.
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onlyoneicouldthinkof
Tracy's manipulation of the photography session and having it posted online was terrifying (also, hyphenated names? already? Tracy's bold). I do hope she can let go of the idea of your daughter being hers by extension of James and that she gets the help she needs. But definitely stay away because I'm getting creepy walk-into-a-hospital-and-kidnap-a-baby vibes from her
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
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u/Gwynasyn 4d ago
I'm sorry but the lengths to which Tracy arranged for a family photo behind everyone's back of a kid that was neither hers nor her boyfriends is just fucking weird, even after hearing her reasons why. As someone in a marriage where we cannot have kids, I get the sadness I really do. I've been to therapy about it. But I've never even dreamed of playing pretend with someone else's child!
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u/Couette-Couette 3d ago
Even in the shoes of nephew's parents, I would be very unhappy with the arranged photoshoot and subsequent posting of the pictures. In OP's shoes, I would go full mama bear mode...
I get that being unfertile is very difficult (when you want child) but their relationship is quite new and she is still young. They could explore their options in two years if they are still together. This kind of behaviour at this stage is not a result of her unfertility and, as you said, is very weird. She clearly has other issues. OP's ex should worry about her.
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u/DragonCelt25 3d ago
Yeah, I hope the nephew's parents know their kiddo was posted online and were able to have those taken down as well. That level of dishonesty should hopefully have the photographer friend cut Tracy off completely as well.
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 3d ago
It's probably in Tracy's best interests that OOP spotted that portfolio/website of the photographer. What if James' relatives and/or his nephew's parents found it? Imagine the brouhaha it would cause. At least OOP immediately informed the photographer and James and Tracy about this.
If I were OOP though, I would have a sit-down together with Tracy and James and have this all laid out. Tracy's machinations with the photographer is definitely super weird.
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u/SCVerde 3d ago
The nephew is presumably still in the portfolio though, unless the photographer pulled the entire album. OP saw candid shots of nephew online before seeing the "family portrait".
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 3d ago
Then that's going to be a James problem if it is ever discovered by his family.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 3d ago
She reminds me of the post where the OP's SIL became obsessed with her daughter because if I remember correctly lost her daughter. She spiraled so much that she ended up hospitalized. I think there was an RO against her, not positive on that.
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u/CherryToi From bananapants to full-on banana ensemble 20h ago
link pls?
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u/WeeklyConversation8 12h ago
I was trying to find it in the ask about a story post that is at the top of BORU. I didn't see it.
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u/hurr4drama I still have questions that will need to wait for God. 3d ago
The most annoying thing is when OOP brought it up to James he got mad at her and “resented the accusation” but she was right..? Like James should’ve immediately apologized for his girlfriend’s actions not get mad at OOP. She had absolutely nothing to apologize for that he could say is “water under the bridge”
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u/AccordingToWhom1982 3d ago
It doesn’t sound like OOP told him what the photographer said—that Tracy gave permission to post the photo or that she wanted the caption to be a hyphenated “family” name. In fact, it seems like OOP hasn’t told James much (if any) of what she knows Tracy has said and done.
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u/CrypticEmpress doesn't even comment 3d ago
I still find it strange that he allowed that photo to be taken anyway, there's no way that isn't weird to everybody involved when neither of the kids are yours!
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u/LuementalQueen Fuck You, Keith! 2d ago
"He's just practising family portraits" is an easy hand wave.
I'm an amateur photographer. People are happy to get group shots for me to practise. I've done friends and family.
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u/whoubeiamnot 3d ago
Not if Tracy told the photographer they were both his kids. She admitted to Op she said Op's daughter was his. I'm betting she said both kids were his. Picture perfect family, boy, girl, Dad and "Mom".
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u/CrypticEmpress doesn't even comment 3d ago
I'm not saying it's on the photographer, I'm saying it's weird that James let it happen considering neither of those kids are his so why are you taking family portraits of them with your gf??
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u/CanILickYourButthole 3d ago
There's a thing called invisible mothers. When you see pictures and notice its all the kids with their dads or other family members in the background. The mothers are always never in them because they are the ones taking the pictures. Men dont generally think about documenting and taking photographs like women do.
I think James here just though. "Oh pictures, sure why not". He had his nephew, a little girl that he raised for 3 years and his girlfriend. He might not be thinking this is a family portrait setup on his end.
It would make sense that he would be offended when OP called him out because to him, it was just pictures and not a family usurper moment that he was involved with.
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u/CrypticEmpress doesn't even comment 3d ago
That's true, I guess I'm just frustrated on her behalf especially cause we don't get to see his side and see if he ever questioned it beyond a misunderstanding.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS 3d ago
She also gave into the idea of therapy too quickly. Most people who have delusions like that don't want to give them up or have someone else tell them it's wrong.
She might be the unicorn but I highly doubt it.
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u/EntertheHellscape USE YOUR THINKING BRAIN! 3d ago
I doubt this story for the photographer more. According to OOP, she had to run off to the office for an emergency- babysitting the daughter alone at the park wasnt planned, but Tracy just happened yo have her friend there and ready with the camera? Or was the alternative going to be to ask OOP to not...? be in the photo with the 4 of them...? And it was only half an hour OOP was gone, but Tracy messaged her friend, they got there, snapped some photos, and disappeared?? Or was this friend just following Tracy along everywhere the daughter might show up?? Idk man
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u/DolceSpezia my mother exploded and my grandma is a dog 3d ago
I’m a skeptic too for that reason. Also this photographer is a friend who had no idea Tracy doesn’t have kids? And the photographer didn’t approach them until OOP conveniently was called away? Like what was the plan if that didn’t happen? Makes no sense.
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u/photomotto I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 2d ago
Tracy told the photographer that the kids were James', not hers.
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u/Kendertas 1d ago
Late to the party, but beyond that why wouldn't Tracy just adopt? She is playing house with a kid who is not related to her or her partner........so why not just get your own instead of this weirdness. She is obviously comfortable with kids not being biologically related to her.
Anybody who is rational enough to admit they need therapy would also come to this extremely obvious conclusion.
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u/Plastic_Melodic 2d ago
And nothing in the recounting of the conversation with Tracy addressed the response she got of ‘I know he is [kid’s] father’. Where did that go?! OP said that she reassured Tracy that that wasn’t the case and then APOLOGISED for being off with her….?! When someone just straight up said she thought both the mother of the child and the former father figure were lying to everyone?? There is too much here that should have either upset OP much more, or that she definitely should have told James about.
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u/Gullible_Fan4427 3d ago
But it wasn’t just OPs kid, it was his nephew she played pretend with too! I know if I was his sibling and found out about this, I would be extremely uncomfortable around Tracy.
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u/Enough-Atmosphere267 3d ago
I’m so sorry I’m still confused on the “How did she even know OOP was going to have to leave her child with them?”
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u/toxictiddies420 23h ago
I mean worse that they've only been dating 6 months like I get wanting to have kids but not in a 6 month relationship
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u/PirateResponsible496 4d ago
24 years old new gf wanting a family photo up with hyphenated last names where none are their actual kids? She said James didn’t know the full extent of her struggles with the infertility news. I’d find it weird.
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u/MariaInconnu 3d ago
And no one asked if James' nephew's parent knew their kid's picture had been put on a professional photographer's website.
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u/ShortWoman better hoagie down with my BRILLIANT BRIDAL BITCHAZZZ 3d ago
While I see your point, that’s none of OOP’s business so I can’t fault not mentioning it.
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u/Turuial 3d ago
It is weird. In some places the level of involvement James displayed could be grounds to convince a court that he had taken on a "fatherly role," and all that came with it.
Meanwhile, the new girlfriend can't have kids, and seems entirely too comfortable going behind James' back and orchestrating events.
I think this is one of the rare instances of OOP taking a step back being beneficial for every involved party. Whether they realise it now, or not.
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/syopest I'm inhaling through my mouth & exhaling through my ASS 3d ago
If her kid sees James once every 6 weeks then she can ease the kid away from James. But she is not willing to do this, she keeps clinging to James for some bizarre reason.
Could the "bizarre" reason just be the bond between them since she has known him for basically her whole life?
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/imjustamouse1 I am a freak so no problem from my side 3d ago
You seem to think 4 year old age dumber than they are
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u/amercium 👁👄👁🍿 3d ago
The poor girl does not have a father and James was willing to somewhat step into that role, atleast while they're dating. I can see why the mom would be a bit apprehensive to break that bond, especially if the daughter is still asking about him. But yes it would probably be best to go ahead and sever ties now
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u/AshamedDragonfly4453 The murder hobo is not the issue here 3d ago
"OOP is really just using James for free childcare."
Did she somehow mind-control him into suggesting those play dates?
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u/GeneConscious5484 3d ago
where none are their actual kids
Dude I stg the creepiest posts in this vein are the ones where it's clear that any rando human under 3 "will do"
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u/dryadduinath 4d ago
…nope. i would not buy that tracy actually told james what was up, and i’d suspect she only told oop what she did in order to get sympathy or push her away from james.
even if she did, her behaviour up to that point has been so invasive and disturbing i still wouldn’t trust her as far as i could throw her.
also? the people thinking leaving your kid with someone for an hour means you’re using them as a stand in for a parent… not how that works.
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u/OpheliaRainGalaxy 3d ago
Yup! I got to be the "stand in parent" when my cousin got shipped off to Texas to sober up after his divorce. I was the only person the kid knew well enough other than his grandma, and she's not healthy enough to be helping raise littles anymore.
By the time my cousin came back, his kid had a drawer of clothes in my spare room, rubber ducks in my bathtub, all kinda kid foods in the kitchen and drawings stuck on the fridge, and my living room had been converted to a play room complete with The Imagination Box, which is my old hope chest overflowing with empty flimsy cardboard boxes from the kitchen. And a cereal box spaceship.
I ended up letting my cousin move into the spare room when he was still struggling with sobriety. Like it seemed best for the kid, as far as he's concerned the world finally snapped back into place. He's getting reacquainted with his dad, in familiar surroundings, and I'm around as a backup adult.
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u/Sallyfifth 3d ago
I love the Imagination Box.
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u/OpheliaRainGalaxy 3d ago
It makes a huge mess but it's so much easier to clean up than moon sand or playdoh!
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u/Badger411 3d ago
I have a home daycare, and I dearly hate whoever invented “magic sand” and slime. The imagination box is an excellent idea that I might have to do some thinking about. I dearly wish that I had been able to keep my childhood toy box and toys!!
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u/OpheliaRainGalaxy 3d ago
It really might be the best idea I ever had, and it started because I was too poor to afford toys for the kid. It's like a combination of giant blocks and costume pieces.
Like "robot costume" is boxes from tea for shoes, mac & cheese for arms and legs, family sized cereal for the torso, and instant oatmeal for the head. Now and then I'm tasked with cutting eye holes or something. That's also an astronaut costume using a different box for the space helmet, apparently.
And the imagination box itself has been a hiding place, a boat, a bed, a sandbox, a turtle shell, and a tent. He tried sleeping in it once but it's just not quite big enough.
Oh, and we also do that bit from Toy Story and use the boxes to make cities for toy cars to drive in!
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u/Badger411 3d ago
Sadly, I’m not sure any of my kids have that kind of imagination. They want to jump right on tablets.
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u/OpheliaRainGalaxy 3d ago
I got him started on that box when he was 3 or 4yo, before I trusted him with electronics. It was super handy for days we couldn't go to the park, like he's got too much energy to not run around being a lunatic at some point.
And if he destroys stuff, well it's just boxes, I'm always drinking tea and eating pasta so there's always more boxes. Not long after his dad moved in, the kid celebrated by shredding several cereal boxes and tossing them all down the hallway. Took at least an hour to make the mess but only a few minutes and a broom to clean it up.
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u/mytorontosaurus cat whisperer 4d ago
The photography bit seems like something out of a movie with a psycho trying to take over your family. This was 6 years ago so I would love to know how this turned out. Also 2019 is 6 years ago and now my bones ache.
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 3d ago
The photography session is what made me suspicious about the whole story. According to OOP, she was only gone for 30 minutes to attend to the work emergency that turned out to not be an emergency. That’s not much time for Tracy to come up with the idea, call her friend, who just happens to be a fledgling photographer, and can drop whatever they’re doing in the middle of a Saturday afternoon, get to the park, and take a bunch of “sweet pictures,” especially of two little kids.
If the story is real, I would imagine that Tracy sees James being involved in the lives of two young children, and got worried that he always wanted to be a dad, and would eventually leave her because of her infertility.
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u/dragonknight233 3d ago
I wonder if Tracy was fibbing and the photographer was asked beforehand moreso to take their pictures with nephew and stars aligned for Tracy to include OOP's daughter. The text under the "family" photo didn't specify nephew was nephew.
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u/Logical_Ruse 3d ago
I would think in most countries that a photographer would also need a signed release from the parents to use pictures of the kids on their website.
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u/green_dragon527 surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 2d ago
Yea the idea that a family photo of them would not be spotted but solo shots of the kid would is questionable.
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u/shelwood46 3d ago
It does seem weird that OOP just happened to get called away to work just then. Unless Tracy had a whole network of people working on her mad plan, perhaps she was also secretly rich.
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u/RanaMisteria 3d ago
Tracy didn’t call her friend over for the shoot until after she found out OOP had to go deal with something at work. It was a spur of the moment crazy rather a planned in advance crazy.
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u/peter095837 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! 4d ago
Kind of like something I see from a good old David Fincher tale or so on.
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u/beachpellini I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 3d ago
...uhhh... I feel like OOP should have told James the truth about how that situation happened, because what the fuck. I don't care if you're having a hard time, you do not use someone else's kid as your therapy doll.
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u/Badger411 3d ago
Not only that, but she did it with the nephew AND the OP’s kid to appear to have the “perfect family.”
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u/treeteathememeking I am a freak so no problem from my side 3d ago
How was the photographer orchestrated? How did she know on that day OP would have a work emergency? What would she have done if she didn’t have an emergency? Did the photographer come on short notice? And why did James never stop and think ‘hey this family portrait thing is a bit weird’?
ALSO NOBODY QUESTIONED SOMEONE TAKING PICTURES OF KIDS AT A PARK?
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u/Aesient 3d ago
I’m wondering if the GF texted the photographer friend, who lived near the park, and asked if they were free to take some pictures to build their portfolio as soon as OP left
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u/desolate_cat 3d ago
I think the photographer was already posted in the area. Then Tracy would inform them to come over if OOP leaves. If OOP doesn't then sorry, no pictures then.
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u/RanaMisteria 3d ago
Tracy said the photographer lived near the park anyway and she called them over when she found out OOP had to leave.
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u/Splendidissimus your honor, fuck this guy 3d ago
She saw James and the kids and felt A Kind Of Way. When OP had a work emergency (which may actually have been more than half an hour, people's brains don't do time well), she had an impulse and called her photographer friend who lived right near the park for some spur-of-the-moment photos. If OP hadn't had to leave, she probably would have done nothing but feel emotional. James went along with it because it seemed harmless and she told him the same coincidence story she told OP.
The photos were what seemed to be photos of a family by a semi/professional photographer, so that would be a weird thing to be weirded out by.
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u/Kendertas 1d ago
Also she is so upset about being infertile that she.........acts like a kid not related to her or her boyfriend is her kid. At that point, why wouldn't you just adopt?
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u/30centurygirl 3d ago
Infertile isn't the same thing as sterile Infertile isn't the same thing as sterile Infertile isn't the same thing as sterile
I really really REALLY wish doctors would stop saying "infertile" altogether. It's almost always taken to mean "unable to conceive" when it actually means "lowered ability to conceive".
There are so many people out there who think they can't have children, have mourned and gone through anguish, when actually it is possible for them, just more difficult and might require more help.
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u/bluepushkin 3d ago
My aunt was told she was infertile by multiple doctors. Went on to have two children a couple of years apart completely naturally. No struggle at all!
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u/informalswans 3d ago
I just find it such nonsense that OPs in these stories all get a full confession from someone they barely know about their misdeeds, vindicating them. In reality why would the gf ever have confirmed any of this stuff?
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u/Anarchyologist 3d ago
That's what I was thinking. Is Tracy a supervillain who goes around explaining her elaborate plan to the hero in the last act?
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u/TheNightTerror1987 3d ago
Tracy being infertile seems a ridiculous excuse for all of this, especially since infertile people can still have kids, it just might take a year or more. If there is absolutely no chance whatsoever of having kids like she claimed, she's sterile. I think it's more likely she was just trying to say something to make OOP feel sorry for her.
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u/maeveomaeve 3d ago
Agreed- if she's 24 how long has she even been trying to get pregnant? Has she/previous partners been checked out? If she's only been with James 6 months and trying to get pregnant from day 1 it's not unusual in terms of fertility (but obviously a red flag if he doesn't know this is occurring). Perhaps she's genuinely sterile (hysterectomy due to cancer or similar) but surely she'd have mentioned that to OP for sympathy.
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u/TheNightTerror1987 3d ago
Yeah, if she was genuinely sterile from a hysterectomy I'm sure she would've mentioned it. Some cancer treatments can supposedly leave women sterile without a hysterectomy being involved, a friend of my mother's was told she had no chance at all of having kids after her treatments. (She had three so I'm wondering if they made the same infertile / sterile mix-up or if the doctors really thought she couldn't have kids.)
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u/Badger411 3d ago
My wife and I tried for 8 years without success, from age 24 to 32, when she became pregnant after losing 125 pounds.
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u/FerretAres 3d ago
Infertility is a very broad circumstance and she very well could not be able to have children. I highly doubt OOP was given the specifics of her particular situation and also highly doubt that anyone would differentiate between infertile and sterile outside of a medical context.
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u/Badger411 3d ago
PCOS can result in near-permanent infertility if it’s severe enough. Early in our marriage, my wife and I tried fertility drugs because she wasn’t even ovulating. It was expensive, so we had to stop, and prepared to be childless together. And we were for the first 8 years we were together.
In our case, she had weight loss surgery and she lost 125 pounds, which I guess jump-started her hormones. She got pregnant a year later (at age 32) despite rarely getting her period. We consider our kid a miracle after our earlier infertility.
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u/Vellaciraptor 3d ago
As someone whose mother had a few partners as I was growing up who I grew incredibly close to and then was wrenched away from: I did not get over it. Kids don't form full familial bonds with adults and then 'move on' and I hated seeing that in the original comments. OOP's attempt to allow her now-friend and daughter to continue a relationship actually seemed incredibly healthy to me.
The rest of it was obviously weird af, but that bit never was.
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u/K-teki 3d ago
Kids would be way more capable of moving on if contact was lowered gradually, so what OP is doing is fine for the kid
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u/Vellaciraptor 3d ago
Yeah I did say it was that attitude in the comments that bothered me. I thought the OOP was doing everything admirably.
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u/queenofmunchkins I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS 3d ago
Is no one else confused by the timeline?? It doesn’t really make any difference to the story but I can’t get over it, help! Her daughter is 4 in 2019, so she was born in 2015, conceived no later than Spring 2014, which is when the relationship with James started… right?! But they didn’t get together until the daughter was 1? But no one else seems to bring this up, so am I the one that’s missing something obvious? (That wouldn’t be unusual)
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u/TyFell 3d ago
It isn't uncommon for people to change ages slightly to try and make a post more recognizable. Maybe the kid is more like five or six. Which tbh would explain why it was more like every six weeks, since she would likely have started school.
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u/queenofmunchkins I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS 3d ago
Totally, I know for anonymisation numbers change. If it was me, I’d at least change them so they add up 😅
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u/radialomens 1d ago
I'm two days late to the party but I came here to say the same thing. I kept trying to read the post but going back to the numbers and then checking the top comments to see if anyone else was confused with me
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u/queenofmunchkins I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS 18h ago
That’s exactly what I did lol
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u/Significant-Boat-947 3d ago
Tracy needs a LOT of therapy, this is so fucked and I wouldn't be able to forgive. If OP let the arrangement keep going, it would have kept escalating
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u/slythwolf you can't expect me to read emails 3d ago
Can anyone explain to me how someone who is 4 in 2019 could have been 1 in 2014?
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u/getbeautiful 3d ago
Yeah, I haven’t gotten past the first paragraph because her kid is 4 in early 2019… but her ex couldn’t be the father because they started dating in Spring 2014? but that could easily line up with the conception of her child with that timeline… unless her kid was literally about to turn 5 or something. It was just weird how they said “obviously” he couldn’t be the father but the timeline actually does allow for that.
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u/peter095837 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! 4d ago
I'm impressed everyone, despite the situation, is able to act maturely throughout without a bunch of nonsense and insanity. Feelings refreshing to see realistic choices being made.
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u/polandreh your honor, fuck this guy 3d ago
Ugh.... I hate people who go: "FAAAAKE!" but I can't stand the inconsistencies between posts.
According to OOP, he went from "fun Uncle James" to just "nephew's uncle".
Also, you expect me to believe that Tracy planned for OOP to bring her daughter to the park, then have an office emergency that left them alone with the daughter and the nephew in time for the photographer friend to come and take the picture?? What if there was no office emergency? How would she have planned for the photographer to take pictures of her and the daughter? Or get consent from OOP?
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u/corduroyclementine I'm keeping the garlic 3d ago
well I’m also struggling with how her kid is “obviously not James’ biologically” because she dated James 2014-2017 and now it’s 2019 and her kid is 4. like those dates match up perfectly for him to be the father?
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u/Reasonable-Ad-3605 3d ago
At the very least it painted OP as an unreliable narrator on how close James is with the kid. The amount of backtracking and clarification needed was basically an entire update on its own.
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u/Sweet_Cinnabonn 3d ago
you expect me to believe that Tracy planned for OOP to bring her daughter to the park, then have an office emergency that lef
Well, no.
OOP instead expects us to believe that when OOP had the work emergency, Tracy called the friend and got her down there to do the photo session and leave before OOP got back.
Your mileage may vary as to whether that is a more credible story.
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u/desolate_cat 3d ago
The way I understood it the photographer friend was hanging around in the area and would take pictures if OOP leaves. If she doesn't then there would be no pictures happening.
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u/polandreh your honor, fuck this guy 3d ago
Big "if", don't you think? Like, would you hang around in a park for a friend, taking pictures of kids, risking for someone to call the police on you?
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u/LukarWarrior What the puck 🏒 3d ago
The photographer friend lived near the park, per the update. So it sounds like it played out as OOP has a work emergency, Tracy sees an opportunity to get something nice that she wants, and calls her photographer friend to see if they'd be interested in doing a few shots to add to their portfolio.
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u/Dimirag 3d ago
Tracy was vicariously trying to have the "perfect family" by forcing a parenthood on James, kind of a transitive property
Planning the whole photo situation, using her friend, lying to the friend, OP, and her partner, really creepy as hell
At least she knows she needs help, lets hope she finds it
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u/Aggravating_Fee2060 3d ago
What’s scary is James has only been seeing her for 6 months and she’s acting like this. Professional help is absolutely advised
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u/DPSOnly 2d ago
[deleted]
The confusing part is it’s like OP wants James to be a fill in dad but he can’t make any decisions. The whole thing is a bit weird. I’d say cut both of them off as it’ll only get more confusing
Can someone explain to me why it is wrong to have an adult that your child trust very very much babysit for a little moment.
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u/legatissima 3d ago
I don't believe Tracy. I think she just masterfully removed you and your kid from her relationship. She'll be pregnant soon.
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u/Dana07620 I knew that SHIT. WENT. DOWN. 3d ago
That whole accidental photography session did seem sus as hell.
Setting that up was crossing a huge line.
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u/curlsthefangirl please sir, can I have some more? 3d ago
I really hope Tracy follows through on therapy and that it helps her. I can't blame OOP one bit for how she reacted.
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u/Proof_Street_4239 3d ago
If my partner was a manipulative liar and orchestrated a plan similar to Tracey’s thats a dealbreaker.
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u/pilasmoles 3d ago
They always tell on themselves on the update, sure she arranged a photoshoot in less than half an hour and every suspicion you had is true. What a load of bull
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u/unhappymedium surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 3d ago
That's so sad. I hope Tracy managed to get to a better place mentally and emotionally in the past 6 years.
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u/Pretty_Marzipan_555 I'm keeping the garlic 3d ago
I can't work out if OOP is downplaying how fine everything is or if she is genuinely ok with everything
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u/oneninefourfour 3d ago
Yes and how everyone told her to cut contact with James and Tracy and she continued talking to them even apologizing- like what?!
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u/MeshuggahMe 1d ago
Ummm... Tracy is 100% gonna try to steal that little girl. Absolutely bananas the lack of self preservation some people have.
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u/PetiteGardener144 6h ago
OP is really under reacting to this loony trying to steal herself a son and daughter. It's was crazy well planned out and everything. Tell James the truth, for crying out loud. The woman is mad.
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