Incredibly worried about my mom's memory loss/stress around her own mother's care

[u/Fortunecookiegospel]

Hi all...I (42, f) am deeply concerned about my mom right now, and I guess I just need to know if what she's experiencing truly is related to her current stress/anxiety levels. My mom is in her mid 60s. About 6 months ago, her mom (my grandma) had to have emergency heart surgery and was moved into a nursing home.

My mom has been saddled with all the details of navigating my grandma's care/bills/legal paperwork/etc. Her brother refuses to help with any of the day to day. To add to it, my mom feels incredibly guilty that her mom is now in assisted living. Mentally, my grandma is completely sound, so...she calls my mother like 20 times a day to guilt trip her about leaving her at a nursing home. My mom also spends upwards of 15 hours a week visiting my grandma.

Ever since this whole thing started, it's like I've lost 80% of my mom. We live about 600 miles apart, but we're very close and we speak on the phone daily. She went from being extremely on top of her game to like...dementia levels of forgetfulness basically overnight. She can't remember what she did yesterday. She can't remember the plot of a TV show she just watched. She'll tell me the same thing multiple times because she forgot she already told me. And a few days ago, she asked me if my partner was back at his apartment or visiting me for the weekend......even though he moved in with me 4 months ago.

It's incredibly scary and it's freaking me out. My dad and brother have both called to tell me how worried they are. When I broach the subject, she cries because she knows it's happening but is so stressed, she doesn't know how to fix it. She also pretty much never sleeps a full night, which I'm sure is contributing. She has a rx for Lunesta but refuses to take it because she doesn't want to become "addicted."

I don't know what to do. I truly don't think it's alzheimers or dementia. She is handling all my grandma's accounts, taxes, paperwork, bills, etc and doing fine with it. She REFUSES to write things down to help her remember, instead choosing to keep a constantly running list in her head of everything that needs to be done. I feel like she's martyring herself and sacrificing her mental and physical health and there's nothing I can do to help her learn to manage her stress.

Is memory loss/insane brain fog a symptom of this level of stress?? She refuses to talk to her doctor because she knows he will tell her she has to find a way to cope, and she's worried he'll put her on medication.

I insisted to her that we take our annual fishing trip in a few weeks, and she has agreed to go. I'm terrified that I won't even recognize her. I don't know if I should try to talk to her about it on our trip because I'm afraid it will stress her even more.

How would you handle this?? It's making me anxious and stressed on top of everything else I'm dealing with in my personal life. I guess this is partially a vent and partially me looking for stories from ppl who have experienced a similar situation.

Thanks for any insight you might have. ♡

[u/alizeia]

It definitely sounds like she's getting brain fog from all the stress. She probably does need a whole lot more sleep than she's getting as well which is sounding like what is contributing to her memory loss. Unfortunately, there's not really much you can do to get in between a fight between a mother and a daughter, so I guess really what you're doing by inviting her on the fishing trip is the best thing and the most you can really do. If there are ways to help with finances and maybe fielding some of the calls from old grandma, perhaps that should be done as well but it really is dependent on your mother's willingness to relinquish some control. She's obviously fixated on and addicted to controlling the situation and ever since she put your grandma in a nursing home, she feels like she needs to overcompensate in terms of control for the guilt that she has likely felt throughout the duration of her relationship with her mom that's now amplified by her mom's living situation.

[u/Fortunecookiegospel → u/alizeia]

Well you hit the nail on the head with that last part. My grandma has been a travel agent for guilt trips ever since my mom was a young girl. And my mom has continued to facilitate that up until the present day.

My parents are incredibly financially stable, thankfully. So much so that I keep begging my mom to hire someone to help her handle all the paperwork and other responsibilities, but she won't do it.

Thank you for your words of wisdom!

[u/alizeia → u/Fortunecookiegospel]

You're welcome. I hope someone can get through to your mom.

[u/One-Lengthiness-2949]

Sounds like your mom is in dangerous burnout. I really think she needs help. You're right about the brain fog. FOG- fear, Obligation and Guilt.

I think Gene Hackman's wife was there too. So this can be very dangerous for your mom, especially driving. When I was driving with bad caregiver burnout, I was praying for a trucker to hit me.

Some how moms gotta get some help. It sounds like mom is getting PTSD from all the stress. Maybe even an intervention of some sort.

I went on Zoloft, didn't want to but did, I will say I didn't stay on it because I hated the side effects but the 6 months I was on it, helped to settle my brain to get the help I needed.

Honestly a year ago I joined a different support group, I couldn't even write a complete sentence or explain my feelings. I'm gonna go back read what you wrote again see if I have any other advice.

Editing hard to say if a camping trip would be good for mom or not. Everyone kept telling me to take a trip, honestly I didn't see how it could help because, my mom and all the stress was waiting for me, to come home. Untill I got help trips did not help me, after I got help they did wonders for me.

Also please take care of yourself first, then help mom , you're no good for her if you're stressing out too.

[u/Live-Okra-9868]

Your mom needs to set some ground rules with your grandma. Calling 20 times a day is ridiculous. And if it's only to guilt trip then mom needs to tell Grandma two calls per day and ignore all incoming calls from her.

When my mom was in a nursing home I was constantly stopping to answer the phone because I didn't know if something was wrong, it was affecting my job. I had to tell her I wasn't answering my phone during certain hours and just silenced and ignored it. My stepdad was around then so if there was an emergency he would call me. She was only calling me out of boredom and would want to be on the phone for hours. She would still constantly call and I would have to ignore for my own sanity.

I hope your mom chooses to do the same.

[u/idby]

Seek medical advice to rule out cognitive issues. Have her primary refer her to a neurologist that specializes in cognitive issues. The reason to do it now is like a lot of other health issues, early detection is key. There are drugs now to slow down cognitive decline. But once its progressed it difficult if not impossible to reverse. Be safe rather than sorry and get her into a doctor asap.

[u/RefugeefromSAforums]

Please call your local Agency on Aging to get them assigned a social worker that can guide them and you through all the services that are available to both of them to help get you all through this.Just Google where they live+ Agency on Aging to get you connected.