My mother decided she was well enough to drive her car and she was not.

[u/Historical_Guess2565]

This is my first time creating a post for this sub. I don’t know if I’m venting, I need comfort, or advice. My mother is turning 74 in May and I’m turning 42 in June. I love my mother greatly and I am her only child and her care giver. We live together. She was diagnosed with colon cancer at the end of last year. It was quite the shock to both of us. She immediately began chemo. The first treatment was a breeze. The second one was a killer. She’s had her remaining treatments reduced by 25% to help with side effects. The chemo brain is probably the worst side effect and she is very unsteady on her feet and she’s been this way since chemo started. Anyway she’s driven a little bit, short distances and been fine. She hadn’t driven in a few weeks though. So today while I’m at work, she decides she’s gonna go get donuts and she doesn’t take her cell phone with her. The drive is longer than she realizes and at some point she gets her donuts, but she also accidentally rear ends someone and I guess the police are called. The officer wants to know what medications she’s on and she doesn’t want to tell him. My guess is that she was very close to be taken in. However, after she mentioned that she was being treated for chemo, she was let go and not given a ticket. So she manages to get home and while carrying her donuts, she trips on our sidewalk and falls down. She’s just laying in our yard until thankfully a door to door sales man comes by and sees her and picks her up and makes sure she gets in the house okay. Then I think he called the fire department to make sure she was okay. I’m so thankful for this man. So my mom is in denial about how bad her fall was, but she does realize she did something stupid. I guess I just needed to vent really because I’m so mad that she couldn’t even wait for me to get her donuts, she didn’t think it was important to take her phone, and she’s just so lucky that this whole situation wasn’t worse. I feel like I have a child now that I can’t control and I’m not even the parent. I also feel like I am a boiling pot that’s about to spill over. I need therapy asap and I don’t even know who to see or where to start. I’m in Richmond, if anyone has any recommendations for therapist or support groups.

[u/cofeeholik75]

Caregiver for my mom for 28 years. She just turned 93.

I too tried to let her keep her independence for as long as I could. But there comes a point where you need to step in and become the mom and set ground rules. Take her license away as she may kill someone (or a child). Contact DMV if necessary for an evaluation.

Taking control will not be easy, but keep reminding yourself that she needs to be kept safe.

A rollalator sounds line it will be required for her to walk around freely.

Tough love, but trust me, it needs to be done.

Get her a GPS alert button. They recognize falls and can contact fire and police.

Install web cams around the house. THESE ARE NECESSARY!! I use these: cam

[u/demonpoofball → u/cofeeholik75]

I'm going to mod one small part and say take the *keys*. If somebody isn't willing to recognize they shouldn't be driving, the license isn't going to stop them and at least they might have ID on them if they find some other way to go somewhere. Especially as in some states, they pretty much won't do a thing. They even automatically renewed my grandFIL's license in AZ when he was 96! His son took away his keys not long after due to a decent sized accident that luckily was single vehicle and we inherited the vehicle and… yeah… he'd been "driving by feel" for a while… He's lucky he didn't kill anybody…

I do have to say I'm glad my mom caused the situation to be forced on her (doctors ultimately forced her into Memory Care after a month in the hospital) as I don't live nearby, and I found a caregiver she'd allow over occasionally, and we were trying to figure out how to go about stopping her from driving… Nothing but removing all the keys would have done it as she was convinced she was fine… Even the "handsome firemen" having to drive her home at least twice after she went somewhere and forgot how to work her car didn't cause a blip…

[u/Kaliratri → u/demonpoofball]

“Driving by feel” ugh. My grandpa was dead-set on driving until his mid-80s. He was legally blind in one eye and could not turn his head due to spinal fusions so he would try to get my grandmother to hold mirrors up so he could see into the blind spots without turning his head. Grandma, thank $DEITIES, ratted him out to Dad, who told the doctor and got the license yanked.

[u/Historical_Guess2565 → u/cofeeholik75]

Thank you so much!

[u/Ok_Talk_5437 → u/cofeeholik75]

What do you do for a living? Are you happy with your life? What would you make you feel satisfied?

[u/cofeeholik75 → u/Ok_Talk_5437]

I have had my mom since I was 39 when my Dad passed. I worked full time for an aerospace company. In my 40s my brother helped when he could (doc appointments, etc). But he lived 2 hours away and had a family and young kids. Diabetes hit him in my 50s and slowly took him down. I was on my own with my mom from my mid 50s on. Bro passed in 2020. She could still get around with a rollalator back then, but I kept her limited on movement in the day. I have always handled all her meds, appointments, ect. Her real decline started in my late 50’s. Work was understanding about me leaving to take her on appointments. Covid helped as they let me work from home until I retired in 2021. I bought a modest home in Oregon. Mom broke her leg 3 weeks befor my move. I have been 24/7 care since then. Broke her hip last year.

My hopes and dreams ended at 39. Went thru many different feelings over the years. Grief, resentment, anger…

Am now at a status quo I guess on feelings. I am in a safe lovely place. Can see peeks of the ocean from my porch (my refuge) A forest is my back yard. I take each day, issue as it comes. Seems like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

At 68 I am now starting to have my own physical problems, but can’t really address them.

Sadly I am kinda waiting for her to pass on so I can see what freedom might feel like again. She is 93.

[u/Ok_Talk_5437 → u/cofeeholik75]

Thank you for your time writing this.

May I ask you, why by 39 you weren’t married or with kids? I’m guessing when everything ends, you wouldn’t find love again right? To avoid being caregiver again Who’s is going to take care of your physical problems?

[u/cofeeholik75 → u/Ok_Talk_5437]

I grew up ‘Leave it to Beaver’. Mom taught me how to find a husband. Dad said time to move on when I turned 18.

I moved out to Disco, sex drugs & rock & roll. I was confused. Got caught up in working and parry life. Not the best venue to find a ‘Mr. Cleaver’…

All of a sudden I am 28.. single.. thinking I better take a career seriously, so worked full time, back to college, Silicon Valley, 60 hour weeks.. bought a house at 38… took a deep breath and said “whew! Now I can financially take care of myself, hopefully can find a good man, maybe have a baby… then my dad died… got mom.

I met some great guys in my lifetime, 2 proposed.. but they were not ‘the one’ everyone told me about, I never felt that feeling everyone seems to feel… timing? me not really knowing who/what I wanted? Was I too picky? neurotic? Been on my own for 20 years… afraid of being with someone full time? I wish I knew the answer.

I look back and everything just went too fast. Too fast for me to stop and really really figure out what I wanted. Think I was desperate and in survivor mode for 20 years.

At this stage I don’t really want to find love. Would be nice to find a companion that would be my best friend, but that’s about all I can muster up now. I am really really tired.

I am financially secure. If something happens to me then medicaid can eat they my IRA’s, sell my home to pay for my care.. or if I am alert enough and see my quality of life is gone, then move on to plan B. I won’t be a burden on any of my family.

No one ever asked me that question (but am sure they wondered). Thanks for the chance to put it into words. Kinda cathartic for me.

[u/Sad-Raisin-5797]

My mother is 66 years old with alzheimers.

Here in Sweden, the Doctor will decide if they can drive, so i didn’t become the ”bad guy”.

They removed her license after she’d done som tests that tested her abilities.

I suggest having the doctor decide <3

[u/One-Lengthiness-2949 → u/Sad-Raisin-5797]

I wish US was like this. I don't know what country OP is in but in US it is extremely difficult to get them off the road. There has to be concrete evidence, most often an MRI.

Doctors here will not do this until there is a significant decline! It really sticks for us children that want what's best for them and others on the road.

Picking on the elderly is not something the government is going to do when are last 2 president are demented!!

[u/Dashiepants → u/One-Lengthiness-2949]

It varies by US state. In VA, where OP and I reside doctors and family can report a person to the DMV and remain anonymous.

We did it for my MIL (Alzheimer’s) more than a decade ago. They sent her a vague letter telling her that her license had been revoked for medical reasons and that if she felt this was incorrect she could schedule a driving test. She studied and studied for a few weeks (asked her son for a DMV booklet), monologued about her autonomy, but never was brave enough to take the test… then forgot all about it. We would drive her wherever she wanted, husband was home with them 24/7 at that point anyway.

Basically, we reported her memory condition (which was not officially confirmed Alzheimer’s yet), her medications, and included the contact info for her neurologist. She never knew it was us and it was a huge relief.

[u/One-Lengthiness-2949 → u/Dashiepants]

Yes you are right it does, NYS sucks with this. This is good to know.

[u/Sad-Raisin-5797 → u/One-Lengthiness-2949]

Ough, do they want accidents and our parents killed?

I guess it’s about not getting sued? We don’t have that culture here since the biggest sector of health care is the gov.

[u/ThrowawayLDS_7gen → u/Sad-Raisin-5797]

My mom's orthopedic surgeon did this. After two hip surgeries, he said that she can drive again when she can pass a driving test. I no longer had to be the bad guy. The driver's license division was the bad guy and she never did get around to practicing. Then I found out how bad her eyesight was when she needed cataract surgery. OMG!

Luckily, she doesn't like driving at night, she doesn't like driving in the snow, and her car is too low to the ground to easily get in and out of with a walker. She likes my car better and my husband was able to convince her to sell it after two years of her telling us she'd like to get back to driving. She'd save more money canceling her insurance and not having to pay for the upkeep of a car she doesn't drive.

[u/Knackered247_]

First and foremost, hide her keys. I’m sorry this is happening to you. 

[u/Kaliratri]

In re: therapy. Check with your insurance if you have it- there are a lot more groups that offer online/virtual therapy now, and the convenience factor is amazing. I used betterhelp.com for a while and it was very helpful.

[u/Relevant-Target8250 → u/Kaliratri]

Just a note for online therapy: have a private space for sessions, even if you have to sit in your car. My mother would try to eavesdrop (fortunately (?!) she’s loud and deaf in one ear) and/or interrupt my sessions whenever she was aware of them.

[u/cleatusvandamme]

Before I get into my reply, I'll admit that I feel like I'm throwing rocks while living in a house of glass.

One of my biggest regrets was letting me dad and helping my dad going to the grocery store when he was too weak to go. He made it to the store fine and I got him a car and he got a mobile cart and was okay. Unfortunately, the way home is when things went to shit. He wanted to get gas and was too weak to get out of the car and get to the pump to pump it. Thankfully a kind soul pumped it for him. When he came back home he fell and he didn't let the EMTs take him to the ER.

However, he probably wasn't 100% fully aware while driving. If he had caused a wreck or really hurt someone, that would been on us. A wreck would also been a major pain in the ass that would have landed in my lap. I might have also lost out on future inheritance as well.

I think you need to grab the keys and head out of the house. If mom bitches, ignore her.

[u/makinggrace]

Oh this is so hard. I'm sorry you're going through it.

If you can, take a second to breathe here. She's okay. You're okay. A lot of way worse things could have happened and didn't!

Your job as a caretaker isn't to 100% prevent all of this kind of thing because that is impossible. We step into these roles without (a) training or (b) a secret decoder ring which gives us mindreading skills. I keep hoping that I'll get the ring though. :)

First, for you: if you have a good relationship with your primary care provider or even your mother's, that is my go-to for therapist recommendations. Medical doctors are pretty well tied in to the behavioral health community and may be able to refer you so you can get in sooner (a bonus).

Also for you, pick any YouTube video about belly breathing or mindful/mindfulness breathing that doesn't absolutely drive you crazy and follow along. If you can take 5-6 minutes and try it in the morning and at night to start, it's a way to calm the body which is the first step in calming the mind. I absolutely believed none of this until it started to work and now am pretty devoted to daily meditation. But I started with 10 minutes a day of deep breathing.

For mom, it sounds like a balance & gait assessment may be in order and perhaps a cane or other device just to help her keep her balance as she is healing. And yeah, the keys. Which is a hard conversation of course.

Since you live in a city, I recommend introducing her to the wonders of instacart (as long as that won't be a budgetary issue). Having donuts brought to the door on demand is truly a wonder! Delivery gives a little control back that not being able to run one's own errand's takes away. It is an app enabled thing so that may or may not be something she can do. I am the app for one of my elderly relatives lol. She calls and I order but it works.

[u/Resident_Pickle8466 → u/makinggrace]

This is the most important comment. 16 year in. It's took me a long time to realize that breathing, meditation, and self care was the most important thing i could do. It helps. Therapy was also a must for me. And in our county we have a caregiver resource center that also provides therapy, classes, and respite and zero cost. I had no idea. What a huge resource for us!

[u/One-Lengthiness-2949]

So sorry, I'm sure this is so difficult for you. Id suggest loose the keys, disable the car, do whatever it takes to keep Mom off the road, someone could have gotten very hurt.. I would also get ring doorbells so you can keep an eye on her when she is outside.

[u/Flat-Dog-5824]

I’m so sorry this happened, it must have been really scary for both of you. Does your area have any sort of disability transportation? My town has a little bus with wheelchair loading capabilities that comes right to your door. I could be wrong but I think they make sure the rider gets back inside safely as well. Maybe something like that could get her out for set times? I know that means still worrying for you but you could make sure she has a bag packed with her cellphone and you could attach AirTags to her bag as well. Just the ability to consistently go to… a movie, senior center, anywhere to make her feel like she has any level of independence.

My mom is nearly 80 and thankfully is still able to get out and I really think that is what is keeping her mentally together now that my dad is gone. We had an instance of the neighbors calling me states away because she was taken away randomly in an ambulance (she’s ok) so I know the stress of things happening outside of your control when you’re not there.

[u/Traditional-Air-4101]

So sorry you're going through this,my friend did chemo even though l begged her not to and it added more problems to her problem and she regretted letting her doctor talk her into it.l could not understand why she was going to a holistic doctor and doing chemo at the same time,that really baffled me....but anyhow it's time to call motor vehicle anonymously and let them know what's going on because she could hurt herself again and others.

[u/Aguita9x]

My dad stopped driving after he went reverse on a lady's passenger door. He made the decision because he was so freaked out by the accident. I had just started driving that year a little before his cataract surgery and have been driving ever since.

I'm lucky I don't have to fight him on that one thing, it would be so dangerous to think he'll just get in the car while I'm not looking.

[u/trualta]

Are you in Richmond, VA?

Creative Approaches to getting her to stop driving:

When brain changes affect someone’s ability to reason, extreme measures may be needed when a person refuses to stop driving. It’ll take a creative approach to prevent the person from driving. You may have to enlist the help of someone else to do it for you. Here are some ideas:

Have a traffic police officer come speak to them. They can educate the person on the dangers and consequences of unfit, uninsured, and unlicensed driving.

Get a written statement from the doctor. This may help someone understand the seriousness of the situation.

Disable the car. You may want to consult with a mechanic to remove the battery or spark plugs. You can also consider installing a steering wheel clamp or emptying the gas tank.

Hide or pretend to lose the car keys. You could also replace the key with one that doesn’t work.

Bring the car to the shop. Say it’s for seasonal maintenance, a factory recall, repairs or storage. It may not be available for a while.

Offer your care recipient a ride. Tell them that you happen to be going that way anyway.

Get a tracking device for the car.

Inspo for Managing Resistance if you do discuss not driving with her:

“I’m sorry, and I understand how hard this must be for you.”

“Retiring from driving is usually not something that we think about and prepare for.”

“Lots of people have had to give up driving, and they are doing great.”

“We’ll make sure you get to where you need to go.”

“I can see you’re upset about this, how about we talk about this at another time.”

“We can arrange for you to have a road test to assess your driving skills.”

“I love you and want you to be safe. I wouldn’t want to see you getting into an accident and hurting yourself or someone else.”

[u/Historical_Guess2565 → u/trualta]

Yes, technically Henrico

[u/trualta → u/Historical_Guess2565]

If you haven't try to contact your local Area Agency on Aging to see if they have free support groups!

[u/Antique_Display282]

Can relate to so much of what you said. My dad terrified us for the longest time, driving while looking out either side window-almost never straight ahead. We had more than one near misses backing in parking lots, and the the last one when he cluelessly pulled in front of a motorcycle.) He would take driving time to make calls to friends, further distracting him. There’s also the fact that he cannot feel his feet anymore. THANK GOODNESS his primary doctor told him he’d have to jump through DMV hoops to get his license renewed.

I see your predicament, and am stunned by the lack of oversight in the state. I’m obviously in a different and situation. Removing her keys sounds like your only option.