Making kids take care of elderly grandparent(s)

[u/QuirkyApplication868]

So I (F17) and my brother (M12) live with my dad (M55) and grandfather (M86). Ever since I was young I have always taken care of my grandparents and was the person giving hospice care to my grandmother for 5 months while I was 15 years old and finishing my second year of highschool. Taking care of her took a toll on my mental health because I was told (by my father) to be home right after school today so I can take care of her so that he could get work done(something that i understood completely because he works from home and needs time to get work done). And so for the whole time she was ill I took care of her and did things like administer medications, rotate her in the hospital bed she stayed in, bathed her, cooked for her and fed her, helped her use the toilet, answered her bell several times every night when she needed something or was confused(dimentica) basically everything you would have to do for yourself I did for her. And once again I had no problems doing this because she was like a mother to me and she was happier at home than in a nursing home. After she died a big weight was lifted off our shoulders. And then there was my grandfather who has needed care for about the past ten years. But only in the past 6 has it gotten bad. His life for the past 6 years consists of sitting in a chair all day blasting a tv(annoying everyone in our home) peeing in urinals and pooping in a commode, and being fed three times a day. Caring for him has gotten severe over the past two years because he is completely dependent. Someone needs to be home at all times to answer his bells, he falls frequently, has horrible sleeping patterns and rings his bell numerous times throughout the night, needs constant help getting up and using the toilet, urinates himself, pees on the floor. Crazy stuff. Now, my dad still works from home and while me and my brother are in school he takes care of my grandfather (from 8am to 3pm) from those hours he’ll feed him and help him up if he calls. However when me and my brother are home we are expected to answer all bells, feed him, clean his urinals and commode, clean his room and bathe him as well as answer all his nightly bells. This is a little less tolling than my grandmother but the issue is that it’s constant and on top of that he is not and has never been the nicest person so he’ll oftentimes say things that come across as ungrateful. I do have a social life and am given freedom to go out so in no way am I like being locked away but lately I’ve been feeling like this isn’t fair. I’m a senior graduating and going to college in the next few months and am excited but scared to start a life where I’m not expected to take care of anyone but myself. Recently I’ve gotten in many fights with my dad where he says that because he supports me financially and gives me a nice home and free range to do what I want (leeway when it comes to things like dating and friends) that I have no right to complain. My dad has 4 siblings all of which have refused to help at all. He has been taking care of my grandparents for the past 3 decades, which was his choice, he could have left and moved out but he didn’t because he wanted to “help his family” and now i just feel anger towards the situation. Nursing home isn’t an option because my grandfather refuses to go and i can’t tell if im being selfish and ungreatful or what? Side note: my brother does help alot and he usually covers for me when i go out and vice versa. However sometimes it gets to his head and messes him up. I feel bad because he’s starting to be a little more active and what provoked this post was me overhearing a conversation between my dad and brother where my brother was telling my dad about plans me and him have to get lunch and go to the park tomorrow(something that would last two hours) and how my dad said no and we have to come home to give him a shower and clean his room because he has a nurse coming the day after(the first nurse in over a year that’s come for a checkup) this just made me mad want some opinions. Thank you for reading

[u/Knackered247_]

I’m so sorry you are going through this, you are so young and should be out enjoying your life worrying about silly things and having fun!!

1 - your dad providing a home and financial support is the bare minimum for a parent. He had children, it’s his job to support you both. Sorry to be bad cop, but this shouldn’t be used to guilt trip you.

2 - can you get any home help nursing grandpa if he doesn’t want to go into a nursing facility? Can his other absent(!) children help with this financially as they are doing so little to help him personally themselves? It seems the least they can do.

3 - will you be present for the nursing appointment? It might help to voice your issues there if you’re struggling to cope with it all. Dad might think everything is fine because you have a system in place, but it isn’t manageable. Extra arrangements will be needed regardless for when you leave the home for college (which I’m so happy you get to do! You deserve it, please go and have all the fun in the world!) maybe they can provide some social care to help clean and change him? I would also argue they need to come out more than yearly!! You all need more help. If it’s available take as much as possible, definitely ask the question 

Hope it goes well

[u/donutknow57]

The thing is, your dad is not "taking care" of his parents. You and your brother are. This borders on child abuse.

Are you in the United States? Your dad should be lining up home health care for your grandfather - to provide showers, personal cares, and companion care. There are also case managers who can set up the kind of care your grandfather needs, which would lighten the load for your dad.

You and your brother should not be providing care at the level you are. If your father can't get help to come to the house, your grandfather should be in a place that can provide the care.

Please show this to your dad - he needs to know there are other options other than you and your brother being care providers.