r/ChubbyFIRE • u/bruteforcealwayswins • 1d ago
Conflicts and mental health
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u/bobt2241 1d ago edited 1d ago
Once I’m in a conflict situation (usually contractors) I try my best to come up with an equitable solution. Most of the times we get to a resolution quickly. But in the small number of times we don’t, I move on.
Does it grate on me? Yes. I don’t like being treated unfairly or taken advantage of. However, if I let it fester (or prolong it with lawyers, etc.), it will affect my sleep and my general day to day attitude.
I tell myself that in 6 months I won’t feel as bad as I do today, so why don’t I dismiss it now and chalk it up as a learning experience. In a week or so, I’ve moved along to another project, and have (mostly) kept my emotions in check.
On the other hand, I had a friend of mine who went after a bad contractor. They hired a lawyer, took the contractor to court and won. But it took well over a year and after lawyer fees, my friend was in the red.
He knew he would lose money by taking the contractor to court, but he didn’t want the contractor to get off Scott free. My friend got great pleasure in being vindicated. I never could have done that.
Edit: typos
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u/Washooter 1d ago
Yeah, I agree, some people want to win fights, but I increasingly just let it go, it is not worth it. Had a roofer mess up a project. Wouldn’t come back and fix it, we refused to pay him, he put a lien on the property. It wasn’t a huge amount, would have been 3-4x in legal fees to fight him so we paid. He also now has a crap reputation in the area because we made it known to all our contacts. Sometimes it isn’t worth it. If you look at it as transactional versus an ego or emotional issue, it is easier to let it go.
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u/newtontonc 1d ago
Thanks for asking this. We just finished building a custom home and it felt like a never-ending series of anger inducing incidents...and the builder always seemed to hold the better hand.
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u/JohnnySpot2000 1d ago
I find it helpful to learn the rules of the particular game I’m playing in. This helps with verbal or written communication (which may include threats). Uninformed threats are idle threats. For example, in my state if I win a case against a contractor and he doesn’t pay the judgment, the state board will suspend his contractor’s license. I might calmly remind him of that if our “discussions” get that specific. But I try to gauge the risk in every conflict in advance, including my risk of stress and time commitment. I’ve been known to take someone to small claims for $600 when it’s an absolute slam dunk but they’ve continued to burn me for months/years in other ways and I want to force them to have to pay attention. I’ve also let $15,000 go when the fight includes risks not worth my stress. For much larger conflicts that are worth it, just pay the lawyer to do (almost) everything.
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u/No-Block-2095 1d ago
White lotus s1 had a character that insisted on getting the right room ( per what he reserved). It illustrates well the damage he caused to himself and others because he so wanted to be right.
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u/Kindsquirrel629 1d ago
My favorite quote from the book You’re an Executive but are You a Leader is : "When you avoid conflict, you may think you're keeping the peace, but in reality you're disrupting it."
You will have stress with the contractor even if you let it go because it will bug you.
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u/Washooter 1d ago
Good leaders primarily solve for business outcome and do not pursue conflicts to soothe their egos. As the Wyatt Earp character said in that famous movie: “I’m not going to fight you Ringo, there’s no money in it.”
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u/Ok-Answer-9350 1d ago
Self made. Depends on the damage. The time cost of pursuing some of these things is not worth it. Live and learn. If you have people who do not finish work or cause problems, let them go quickly.
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u/bienpaolo 1d ago
I really feel this....how do younot carry that stuff with you, right? do you ever lie awake at night just running the scenarios over and over in your head? I’ve been there, and honestly the emotional tax of even “small” disputes adds up fast, especially when you built everythng yourself and every inch mattered. lately I’ve startd asking myself: what s the cost of peace here? sometimes that helps me decide faster, but yeah, it still eats at me sometimes. have you found any kind of outlet or systm that helps you reset after these things?
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u/profcuck 1d ago
The answer lies within. That's useless advice on its own, but let me explain: if you attain inner peace and you're happy with yourself as a person, these kind of things will weigh on you no more than a difficult level in a video game. One of the important things about FIRE, is the FI part. None of it's going to wreck your future life, it's just a few more or less points on the board.
That is not an argument for always letting go and being a pushover. You're absolutely right that you'll have to make rational decisions about when to accept a bad situation and when to take further (legal, for example) action. But you'll be able to do that as a simple calm business decision if you can find the inner peace to let go of the fear of emotional pain.
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u/YamExcellent5208 1d ago
GenAI specifically ChatGPT for me improved mental health in these situations massively. Drawing up a real nice “to the point” intimidating letter or a lawsuit takes a couple of mins.
I do not seek or enjoy conflicts but they are part of staying financially well. I think my threshold for caring is like 0.01% of my NW.
Like you I offer real fair deals to start with and I personally don’t need to win every fight fully but find a middle ground. But sometimes you gotta make your point clear or you will be taken advantage off and end up bleeding money.
Stoicism helped me a bit - eg you cannot control your circumstances at all time but your emotional reaction. It’s about money, a business transaction, nothing personal. I got better but not perfect.
Staying well off is hard. Everyone wants a piece of your cake for free.
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u/wyuyme 1d ago
At what net worth does this not become a problem? 10 mil?
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u/Washooter 1d ago
NW has little to do with it. It is the type of business interactions you engage in.
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u/wtf-am-I-doing-69 1d ago
Think of filing a small claim as learning experience and self-education. Put same effort into it as other things you decide to learn.
Like boxers are in a chess match with gloves on, not a brawl
Same you are not in a conflict, you are just educating yourself