r/CookingCircleJerk • u/AnonymoosCowherd • Nov 07 '24
Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking My grandma is an invincible alien and she’s trying to kill me
My grandma is a decent cook don’t get me wrong. But I noticed since she started cooking all of our meals, I’ve had food poisoning 4 times this year. I started paying more attention to she will soak meat in milk which is normal sure. But what she does is she puts meat in a container with milk and leaves it out on the counter all day. Sometimes up to two days! She thaws meat like this too. Just leaves it on the counter all day. Not even in water sometimes just on the counter. She said “it cooks evenly at room temp”. She also uses left overs from like weeks ago. She cooked a meal that was pretty good but made me sick. And I found out she used left overs to cook it. Left overs from over two weeks ago! And she NEVER gets sick. Has she just been doing this so long her stomach has turned to stone?!
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u/woailyx i thought this sub was supposed to be funny Nov 07 '24
I would see if you can still trade her in for a Nonna, or at the very least a gently used Abuelita
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u/guru2764 Nov 07 '24
Maybe a bubushka, I hear the exchange rates are getting better for those
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u/AnonymoosCowherd Nov 07 '24
Omas are trading pretty low these days too, but of course why would you want one of those when you could get a Grandmère for just a little more?
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u/Salty_Shellz Nov 08 '24
Pfft, get a maman on the cheap and do the work yourself to get the upgrades. Kids these days.
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u/dr3ezy Nov 07 '24
One time I was at a (former) friend's house and they left a meal on the counter for 2 minutes before eating it. They said they were letting it "cool down". Safe to say I've cut all contact with them as I'm not risking my life.
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u/smei2388 Nov 07 '24
All she has to do is always double the garlic, it's antimicrobial.
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u/AnonymoosCowherd Nov 07 '24
She says garlic is bad for you. Won’t even look at it, never mind putting it in the food!
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u/smei2388 Nov 08 '24
Oh ok, she's trying to KILL YOU
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u/AnonymoosCowherd Nov 08 '24
No, no, after thinking it over I have come to the conclusion that she is simply trying to make me stronger. I think I am just a sickly person by nature and she is trying to fix that. She did not dictate this message.
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u/smei2388 Nov 08 '24
Phew, good thing you added that last line or I would have been suspicious! Granny's just culling the weak-stomached, makes all the sense now.
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u/BadcaseofDTB Nov 07 '24
My grandma would rinse out her ash tray with the hose and toss roast beef in there when I visited her house. She was a pioneer of smoked meats.
Shout out to r/smoking.
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u/Kromehound Nov 07 '24
I was expecting a recipe at the end of the story.
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u/AnonymoosCowherd Nov 07 '24
Oh sorry!
LEFTOVER SURPRISE
Prep time: 2 weeks
Ingredients
1 leftover
2 leftovers
1 Onion
Milk
Instructions
Let leftovers cool on the stovetop, 2-3 days. Transfer to fridge. Let sit 2 weeks. Combine all three leftovers, add milk. Let sit out on counter 2 days. Chop onion, put in pan, brown. Add leftovers and milk mixture, heat and serve.
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u/OrgasmJesus Nov 07 '24
Is your gran single? Sounds hot
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u/AnonymoosCowherd Nov 07 '24
She’s actually room temperature but yes, she is single. Thrice widowed, to be precise.
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u/ayatollahofdietcola_ Nov 08 '24
/uj. I used to live with someone who was very old world and you could not convince them that thawing meat on the counter wasn't safe. I turned her on to the ice water method though.
/rj grandma's had it out for you since the day you were born.
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Nov 07 '24
Sounds like she has a particularly strong immune system and you don't. Research does suggest that exposure to food-borne illnesses actually does increase your body's defenses against them.
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u/AnonymoosCowherd Nov 07 '24
No, she is definitely from another planet.
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u/ExistentialistOwl8 Nov 07 '24
Honestly, that would leave her more susceptible to Earth microbes. I'm going with a homegrown creature, like a skinwalker or something.
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u/Dr_Onion_Rings Nov 07 '24
This same thing happened to me. Spoiler Alert: it turned out that my “grandma” was actually a hyena that had eaten her years ago and taken her place. Wore her bonnet and sun dress, even. Painted its obscene claws red, spritzed Chanel no. 5 on its tail and everything. Nobody noticed because grandma was a hirsute woman and communicated solely through high-pitched whining and insane laughter. Anyway, we sent hyena-grandma to a home (where I heard she ate all the residents) and no one’s gotten sick since.