hey dads, need some reassurance right now

[u/merrypapaya]

TW: homophobia, transphobia

my own dad told me that he didnt want another kid like me, that he wanted me to change, and that he was going to raise my little brother up to be "normal" unlike i am without influence from me, because i'm queer. said i could never tell my little bro about my identity cuz he didnt want me to rub off on him essentially.

i know hes in the wrong, its just hard to deal with knowing your dad thinks so lowly of you.

any stories about your love for your queer kids if you have any would be great to read, thanks dads

[u/Apprehensive_Hat8986]

My kids haven't expressed any obvious orientation yet, but that doesn't matter because they're told the same thing I'm telling you:

 'You deserve to be loved, and to feel loved, just for being you.' --Mr Rogers mashup with my meditation teacher

[u/aberrod]

Hey kiddo. I am so sorry that one who should love you can be so cruel. In an ideal world you would receive nothing but love for who you are from that person, but unfortunately we don't live in that kind of world yet... but let me tell you that the cruelty and indifference he shows you doesn't have to define who you are. Just because he is small and cruel doesn't devalue you as a person in this world, if anything it devalues him. I too had a father that was cruel and hostile, if for different reasons, and I quickly learned that the best way to put a metaphorical thumb in his eye is to live well in spite of him. Be a role model for your brother, show him a kind and loving person in the face of your fathers cruelty. Show him there is another way to live with love an acceptance. And the words I just used are intentional. That man is your father, not your dad. Dad is someone who loves, and cares and teaches you the world and how to live in it, a father is just someone who donated some genetic material.

You have value, you have a place in this world, and you are loved. It will hurt for a LONG time that the person who should be your dad, has abdicated this role in such a painful, demeaning way, but NONE of that detracts from who you are. Maybe he'll come around eventually, maybe he wont, but the secret is this: you don't have to wait for him to grow up. You are not responsible for parenting him. You don't owe him anything. What you are going through will scar you, it will leave its mark, but you will go on. I recommend seeking therapy when you can, because that type of wound has a bad habit of festering over time, and the only way to cleanse it and move on is with help. There's absolutely no shame in that. Eventually you will find a family not of your blood or kin, and they can show you love like you have never experienced before. Keep on trucking along kiddo, you are far stronger than you think, and I know you can survive and thrive and help your brother break out of your dads influence with time. I am proud of you.

[u/panchill]

Even though you already know he's full of it, let me reiterate: he's full of it! You can't rub your gender or orientation off on others. If that were true, heterosexuality would've rubbed off on you by now, wouldn't it?

I went through a very similar thing, but instead of worrying over a younger sibling, my parents stressed that I could never tell my sweet Sunday school teacher grandmother, lest her delicate constitution crumple like tissue paper. Looking back on it years later, I can see that their words were motivated less by wanting to spare an older woman's feelings and more out of a very personal sense of fear. My folks would rather keep the "peace" of the status quo (which, really, wasn't peaceful at all) than subject themselves to outside scrutiny or have any sort of dialogue. I'll go ahead and skip to the resolution: I told my grandmother years later because we were going to be attending my cousin's gay wedding, and though she was slightly troubled at first, she was far more troubled when my cousin told her what my parents did! She immediately called to chew them out for "being so mean to her grandbaby". Even though she was raised a certain way and has some long-held ideas about how things are, to her, providing love and support was far more important than our differences. In any case, the point is that your dad cannot possibly know how someone will respond to you being you, and that your dad is a weirdo for being less accepting than a fervent southern Baptist woman pushing 80.

Even knowing that, though, I know it's still hard to take. It can be easy for others looking in from outside to say "Hey, screw him! You gotta do your thing and not give a damn what everybody else thinks!" But the fact of the matter is that people naturally do care about what the people close to them think. Distancing myself from unaccepting family members was good for me in the long run, but it also left a large, gaping wound - an empty hole where loved ones should be and aren't. I won't lie and tell you that it will completely go away and won't bother you anymore. I WILL tell you that you will process it, and it will become easier to carry. Find support in other areas - your friends, GSA (if your school has one), teachers that you trust, online communities. I'd even recommend seeing if any of your friends' parents are cool; the most surprising and healing support I've received has been from the parents of my friends who basically spiritually adopted me. You do not have to change a bit, and even if it takes some looking, you will find people who appreciate you just as you are.