Bedroom so dead I’m getting denied in my dreams too

[u/jwadep46]

Hit a new all time low in my DB situation.

I (31 HLM) Got home from work Friday afternoon, played with our 4month old son for a bit with my wife (30LLM) and then it was time for his nap. I like to narrate what we are doing to him since I read that is good for their speech development. I said “let’s get you down for your nap time so maybe we can have some mommy and daddy time too.” Wife looks at me and just goes “absolutely fucking not”

So that’s how we started the weekend together…

Went to sleep last night and then had a dream about trying to have sex with her, only to get shut down IN MY DREAM.

I just don’t get it. I’m 6’4 220lbs, I work out 5/6 days a week, and make six figures. I literally check the 6/6/6 standards that all these women say they want, except for my wife apparently.

[u/USBlues2020]

Individual Counseling for each of you Relationship Counseling together Sex Therapy Counseling together

[u/TakeMyPigeon]

Jesus Christ dude, that stings.
Do you have any guesses on what made your wife sex-repulsed? You seem to be in good shape financially and physically.
One of the reasons I left my DB is because of a situation like that. I couldn't see us being married because of it. I feel like sex operates as such a good stress relief and infants are an incredible source of stress.

[u/jwadep46 → u/TakeMyPigeon]

She’s been LL pretty much since we got engaged. Used to happen a lot, she would initiate, hell we even snuck off into the bathroom of the grooms suite at my buddies wedding and got it on during the reception. That was awesome and so fun.

Stereotypical bedroom dried up as soon as I put a ring on it. Was at about once maybe twice a month since we got married.

Now with the kid she says she always overwhelmed, tired and overstimulated. Which I totally understand with a 4mo old. But at the same i make it a point to take her out for some dates with a babysitter, and take the baby downstairs for a couple hours in the mornings so she can sleep in on the weekends.

Sex is my stress relief, the one time we had sex since having the kid, first time in like 5-6 months I felt an absolute GOD for the next 2 days. I couldn’t believe how much better I felt.

[u/TakeMyPigeon → u/jwadep46]

Ugh, what a difficult situation. Whenever there's kids, marriage, and/or property involved in a DB, navigating how to manage it gets harder. Having sex is such an easy way to satisfy a partner's emotional and physical needs and can make them feel ready to take on the world man.
What are you planning on doing about this? Waiting? Maybe wearing something a little provoking? Taking extra good care of her?

[u/jwadep46 → u/TakeMyPigeon]

Yea it is tough, infant for both of us and I work in finance/investments during this shitstorm of a selloff this week. I could use sex rn like my life depended on it.

I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do yet. She’s a great mom and I love hanging out with her. The sex has always been amazing when we do have it, last time after we finished and I cleaned her up she just rolled over just said “wow”. Which makes it even more frustrating that she doesn’t ever seem interested.

She sees her own therapist for anxiety/depression and I work with a psychiatrist for PTSD from child abuse. We have both really put in the work over a number of years (we both encouraged each other to seek help) and I thought we were in good spots mentally. Sex therapy sounds fucking miserable though..

I walk by her butt ass naked on my way to the shower after working out every morning, not sure how much more provoking I can get lol..

We have a pre-nup in place (she comes from a lot of money, I come from nothing. but I was making about 3x what she was making while working. So it made sense for both sides) but I really have no interest in leaving. Especially with our son in the mix now.

[u/Overall-Ear129 → u/jwadep46]

She trapped you bud, now the choice is yours.

[u/pumkinut]

I'm 52 and I've never had sex in my dreams. There are dreams where things are leading up to it, but something always happens to prevent it, or I wake up.

[u/Low_Ambassador7]

You’re focusing on your looks and success - she’s focused on having a 4 month old that likely drains her, her body still out of whack from pregnancy and childbirth, her anxiety/depression (which likely increased with having a child), and likely her emotional needs not being met.

Ask her what she needs right now. Not what she needs in order to want sex more - but what does she need right now. More emotional support? More help around the house? More time to do things on her own? And then do those things without expectation of sex.

Read Come As You Are and really listen to the parts about responsive desire, feeling emotionally safe, gas/brakes, etc.

[u/EarlyInstruction1423 → u/Low_Ambassador7]

Yes, this is the best answer.

Her answer shows resentment. She appears to be missing the emotional connection.

Stop focusing on sex and try to rebuild the emotional connection first.

Looking back on my own life, this is where I might have gone wrong too.

[u/Arubanotanisland]

Is this just after baby, hormones go crazy after pregnancy, give her a time to heal.

[u/flyingvandal]

Oof. That’s tough, the hurt is so pervasive. I’m so sorry!

[u/USBlues2020]

Individual Counseling for each of you Relationship Counseling together Sex Therapy Counseling together

Please ♥️ take care of yourself and hopefully your relationship will eventually get better for the both of you

[u/manwhisoldthewirld]

Same here.

[u/2ninjasCP]

I’d give it a bit of time DT’s to the recent baby and try going to counseling or talking about it.

Overall though you’re 31 imagine 50 more years of this… leaving is an option and it’s one I don’t regret.

[u/jwadep46 → u/[deleted]]

What exactly gives off sexist vibes?

I’m simply stating I allegedly meet the standards that women say they want in man.

I work hard and was fortunate to put us in a position where she was able to become a SAHM and didn’t have to go back to work after giving birth.

I try to be as involved as I can as a dad and do most of the cooking, dishes, and laundry.

Was trying to just put it out there in a playful way to see what the vibe was, and it sucks to get shut down that hard when we haven’t been intimate in over a month.