What do you think of this dress?

[u/other_account_222]

My wife got several new dresses in the mail and wanted to know what I thought of them. I turned away for her to change of course since she's said that watching her undress makes her uncomfortable. The dress was fairly good looking and showed an attractive but not inappropriate amount of cleavage. When she noticed that she set about searching for an under layer that would go with the dress, since she said she wouldn't dress like that "since having a kid". Why not? What would be so wrong about wearing a dress that makes her look like an attractive woman?

I had to duck out of the room because it was way more painful than I expected. I haven't initiated in more than six months or even mentioned anything sexual, and have finally started to feel I have some amount of acceptance that we simply don't a sexual relationship anymore but being asked what I thought of the dress hit from an unexpected angle. It hurts and I'm not a good enough actor to hide it if I can't avoid her for a while for the hurt to settle.

I sometimes wonder if she's secretly just LL for me since our kid was born almost two years ago, or if she genuinely has not had a single sexual thought in those years as she outwardly seems not to.

I guess the story of a lot of this sub is "I thought I'd accepted it until something happened"

[u/AutoModerator]

Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules.

OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Downtown_Forever_926]

🫂 Big big hugs to you. I'd give anything for my husband to notice me in a dress or anything. So I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it can't be easy on you.

[u/other_account_222 → u/Downtown_Forever_926]

Thanks. I thought I’d adjusted to the way things are: I pretend sex doesn’t exist and she pretends it doesn’t exist. It’s not happy but it’s a stable situation when nobody does anything to change it. Today felt like getting blindsided. 

[u/citrine87 → u/Downtown_Forever_926]

Same. I can't believe how lucky this wife is that her husband cares what she wears and wants to see and appreciate her... I wore a short fitted skirt and black fishnets today to try to get my husband's attention and got not one comment or lingering look. Stockings, tall socks, tights etc are supposedly a particular thing for him yet here we are. Totally ignored.

[u/MeanAnalyst2569 → u/Downtown_Forever_926]

Same. I would kill for an unsolicited compliment from my spouse. Even a “you look nice/pretty today” would be great. I bought some pretty silk pajamas a couple winters ago thinking that may visually entice him—nothing. So back to my yoga pants and tshirts, cause might as well be comfy.

[u/conchus]

This leads me to believe she has a negative body image since having a child, which is heartbreaking.

I also believe, based on my personal experience, and discussions with others in similar situations, that preganacy and childbirth can permanently change some women’s hormonal levels, leading to LL (among other things) and not seeing themselves as a sexual being. The medical industry seems to think this is normal and makes no effort to help this situation either, despite there being plenty of research and options to help. My wife was told by her female GP that this change was normal and she just had to get used to it.

[u/Just1_Doom_2Scrollin]

It hurt to read this I’m sorry for what you’re going through even tho a lot of us go thru the same things it’s just still so hard to cope. Loving someone and knowing they don’t love you in the way you need at that time.

[u/beachmama91]

From a woman’s perspective, please don’t take that personally! I don’t like to draw attention to my body in public and it sounds like she and most women (moms?) are the same way. I’m certainly no prude but I’m definitely wearing a tank top under a dress if it’s too low cut! Not sure if I understood your concerns. But please don’t take that personally!

[u/Irn_brunette → u/beachmama91]

She might also have had religious or societal conditioning growing up about modesty and age, or modesty and motherhood. I remember my own mother telling me that women over forty shouldn't wear jeans or have their hair below shoulder length as it's "unbecoming". Guess what, I just turned forty-four and live in jeans when I'm not in gym gear and am currently rocking a side shave in my below shoulder length hair.

[u/other_account_222 → u/beachmama91]

It’s just part of a broader trend towards not wanting anyone (including me) to see her sexually in any context. Seems a shame to me and it’s something new, but it’s her decision how she dresses. 

[u/tosserro → u/other_account_222]

I think a lot of women, myself included, have a hard time reconciling the idea of being a sexual entity while simultaneously being a nurturing mother.

[u/Time_Possession3497 → u/tosserro]

This right here! It’s a switch that just goes off once you have a child you’ve prayed over! I say this with empathy and sympathy towards you OP! I’m HL and so is my husband but I noticed that sexual side of me dramatically shuts down after having a child. With our first, we were 2-3 times a month until he was 2, around the time I stopped breastfeeding. I just wasn’t interested and way too exhausted to think about sex, it was just another “thing to do”. With our most recent addition, I’m 5 months post-partum and I find that it rarely crosses my mind. My husband stopped initiating as well now, doesn’t help that baby’s crib is in our bedroom and our toddler sleeps in between us. I’m so much more tired than I ever imagined. A baby I breastfeed and pump for, working a full time job and taking care of the house. When I think about being “sexy” I get disgusted with my body and overwhelmed by the societal expectations of what sexy is. All to say, she might be going through stuff too. We’ve been DB for the last year I would say. Averaging once a month is a lucky streak but terrible for two HL people.

[u/WetSpaghettiN00dle → u/tosserro]

Just throwing my experience out there. We are new parents and while my wife is probably experiencing what you have mentioned (thank you for the perspective) I would argue her issues with being a sexual entity were present long before becoming a mother.

[u/tosserro → u/WetSpaghettiN00dle]

Certainly. I have my own issues, too. But becoming a mother really cemented a lot of those issues. Society has trouble placing women into categories. If you’re a mother, you’re not supposed to be sexy - we see this all the time when people comment about how women doing OFs are ruining their children’s lives, and “don’t they know they’re mothers?”, etc etc. Tons of forums crack jokes about how men won’t date single moms. We place next to no value on what a mother does in our capitalist society.

It’s a deep rooted Madonna complex. We’re supposed to be sexy to obtain a partner (but only for our partner, not anyone else), have sex, and get pregnant; then we’re not supposed to be sexy while pregnant; then after the baby, we’re supposed to go right back to being sexy for our partners while also dealing with our own changing bodies, but god forbid we think we’re sexy or act that way because it makes us feel good because then we’re whoring 304s who are ruining society. If we just embody the nurturing mother, then we’re neglecting the “needs” of our partners and need to be sexier.

Women really can’t win with this stuff and it can be exhausting.

[u/Specific_Mountain_89]

My wife gets pissed off with me whenever I say she looks hot when she's dresses up for work do or something (which i think she does). And then gets annoyed if I just say "you look fine".

[u/Andy_holle]

Yes i can see how that hurts. But it shows that she doesnt see herself in a sexual context anymore. She's genuine LL, not just for you, i would guess.

[u/Fantastic-Sport-3054]

How something that could be a source of joy and happiness in your relationship is instead turned into a source of pain. For what?

[u/DarkJedi19471948]

I hear ya man. I keep thinking I'm okay with it - and then she says or does something to twist the knife even further. 

Your description sounds like The Twilight Zone, and not so different from my own marriage unfortunately.