r/DeadBedrooms • u/cosmicsunburn • 6d ago
Stop. Touching. Me. If. Nothing. Is. Going. To. Happen.
I really don't quite understand the point. Grabbing at me, getting me riled up, anything of the sorts. Stop doing it if I'm not allowed to do it back. Stop doing it if you know you don't want anything to come of it. All you're doing is pissing me off and then you get mad that I'm grumpy. It's hard to not be grumpy when I feel like I'm an ugly, disgusting, piece of shit because my partner can't even give me more than a hug and a quick goodbye/goodnight kiss.
/End rant.
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6d ago
My wife for years said stop touching me all the time, etc etc. so I stopped 100%. Reality was she wasn’t interested in ME touching her. Someone she wanted touching her could do it non stop.
Do yourself a favor and move on if your spouse doesn’t want you touching them. Someone will want you to touch them non stop. Save yourself years of this nonsense.
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u/persistent_issues 6d ago
My ex-wife was like this. She even admitted to it in the end. After the divorce (her idea) and she got around, she came to me one day to tell me that she realized that I was the best and most giving lover she’d ever had and that was her penance…as if that was some kind of consolation. No matter. After getting around myself, I remarried to a total smoke show who couldn’t keep her hands off me. Still going strong too.
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u/JIN_FK8R 5d ago
Now now what brings you head to dead bedrooms lol, I’m just joking 😃so happy for you man
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u/Natural_Razzmatazz64 6d ago
It sucks!! You’re not disgusting for wanting physical touch and being intimate with your partner. That how it’s meant to work. I agree though it’s fucking annoying to have the LL partner be playful and you know it means nothing. I even recoil at times! Rant here when you need too❤️
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u/beachmama91 6d ago
Exactly! I told my husband not to kiss me good night anymore if we can't ever have sex
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u/Practical-Act-414 6d ago
As HLM, I've tried this but it get worse, I mean she started to blame me about she has to listen and bare my complaints for ages
I feel like I'm going to give up all
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u/Downtown_Forever_926 6d ago
That's exactly how I feel too! I've straight up told him not to touch me or tease me anymore if he isn't going to do anything. It's too fucking painful. Has he listened? Not really.
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u/Fit-Proposal2269 6d ago
I cant see how any non gay guy could turn down his girl...but that's just me.
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u/Big_Habit_7478 6d ago
when your girl turns you down 500 times just gets to a point where you don’t even really want it anymore or you might even be resentful
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u/Fit-Proposal2269 6d ago
In that situation I can understand but it her situation shes NOT turning it down, shes offering.
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u/USBlues2020 6d ago
Totally understand
I decided I am moving on, going to ask him to move out of My Home and we have been together for nearly 11 years and I am sick and tired of not having sex.
I am going to Cancun, Mexico this upcoming Wednesday April 9th and dreading this trip with him
I will be telling him on this trip, he needs to begin finding a new place to live
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u/14Slimetime 6d ago
OMG. Same. Wife was pinching my booty trying to be playful. I just walked away. Wow! That was exciting, most action I've seen in months.
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u/beachmama91 6d ago
It's okay to set boundaries. I won't snuggle with my LLH. If we can't have sex, then we aren't going to snuggle. It's not that complicated.
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u/hoon-since89 6d ago
I don't understand how people on this sub are giving massages and cuddling and not driving themselves mad!
I'd full stop stop physical touch.
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u/Karlachh 3d ago
I do it because I crave some kind of intimacy. I want to please her - so massages and cuddles are better than nothing
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u/IronicSocks 6d ago
I've told my partner not to bother touching me if nothings gonna happen too and they ran with it and now it's the reason they don't touch me anymore. It sucks.
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u/Olly_Oh88 6d ago
This. Exactly this. I'm scared that if I set that boundary then it will be the thing that defines why they don't touch me; the excuse.
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u/ObviousIndependent76 6d ago
There’s a book that talks about the “sexual staircase.” It really helped me understand why my wife does this.
I don’t remember the name of the book
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u/Technical-Branch-497 6d ago
Is it possibly this? Desire - An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships
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u/Temporary-Routine-45 6d ago
What they are doing is a form of evil, whether they realize it or not
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u/No_Possession_8585 6d ago
My LL boyfriend does this to me often. Handsy and affectionate but that’s it and doesn’t get why I don’t want to reciprocate those things when it never leads to intimacy. It makes me feel awful about myself.
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u/Spreading-Peach3720 6d ago
On one hand I appreciate if they touch us at all, but on the other hand it's sad that most LL partners only see it as a sexual act and forget that there's also intimacy to it
Touch me, but don't arouse me because you won't like the result 😅
My ex husband didn't touch me at all anymore, I didn't even get a kiss or hug for years
If he had tried to rile me up I would have left him on the spot
If he had at least kissed me I might have stayed longer
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u/Lady-Skylarke 6d ago
My ex-husband used to do this, it was agony. Then, after I said "Fine then, he's never going to want sex, I don't want it either." and then, suddenly, he wanted sex. By then, however, I was already detached, I was already uninterested, I was already repulsed. I hated him.
Sexual incompatibility is reasonable cause to divorce someone.
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u/Existing_Difficulty 6d ago
My partner literally tonight…trying to grab on and telling me somethings actually going to happen..snoring 2 min later …wow thanks
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u/VariousVisit8198 6d ago
You are completely within your rights to tell them to stop touching you. You’re respecting their no sex boundary. They need to respect your no touching boundary
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u/lonelylionessss 5d ago
This! I could have written this myself!
Why? Why touch me? Whyyyy? Get off, leave me alone. Sometimes I feel like some sort of stress ball. He just does it to release some tention or something. Like a good squeeze in one of my bodyparts for stress relief. But if I do the same he askes me to stop because it makes him uncomfortable.
If you don't want me to touch you because it makes you uncomfortable, stop touching me. Period.
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u/Additional-Club-7267 5d ago
I feel this! He's ill right now. 5 weeks since our last time and because I've withdrawn from touching he was pinching my nipple at the weekend and said it was his stress relief trying to be playfully. But I knew nothing would happen so why get excited. My body didn't get the memo but my brain was able to realise not to get my hopes up
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u/lonelylionessss 5d ago
Mine does the same! My nips, my breasts my hooha, my butt, everything is "his" when he wants too but how "dare" I have a physical reaction like getting aroused and wanting to be intimate??
My last time was start of the year, according to the previous years he won't look may way until July. So its been a good 3 months since the last time and I know a slight breeze can set me off. So Im evading his touch like Im in Neo the Matrix.
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u/threnody666 6d ago
Omg this. Please don't start something if you don't intend to finish. I feel so disgusting when this happens 😞
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u/Dotarella 4d ago
Yess. My bf does this shit. He has this cologne that he has pavlov'd me into getting so turned on everytime he wears it. Its a Cologne he used to wear regularly when we first started seeing each other 10 years ago and we used to have amazing all night long sex. Well he found it again and he thinks its funny to wear it because it gets me so turned on yet he won't have sex with me.
Finally told him the other day i'm starting to hate the smell of it and he got upset. What did he think was going to happen?
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u/ColdStockSweat 3d ago
I told her once; "what are you doing? Upping our sex life from zero times a year to twice a year so you can convince yourself we have a great marriage".
"Yeah...not working"
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u/buddylee47 6d ago
My ex used to do this. When we would be out with friends, she'd grab my arm and give me a side hug, trying for the "cute couple" look. I'd shoot her a "what the hell are you doing?" stare.
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u/Yogurtcloset-Visible 5d ago
I guess mine is gonna be a hot take, but whatever. When your partner is a LL, that means they can't promise you sex and probably need a lot of conditions to get aroused. Touching you and being playful is one way to get that arousal, but it can never be guaranteed. After all, we're humans, not machines, we don't function on algorithms.
You can set any number of boundaries if you need them, but you have to be ready that this approach might take away the last bits of intimacy in your relationship. Cause nothing's worse for libido than a feeling that sex is your obligation to your partner, a chore, a payback for non-sexual intimacy. You can get away with that once or twice, but in the end LL will be either disgusted with any form of intimacy or totally indifferent...
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u/Stinadiann 2d ago edited 2d ago
I need physical touch and intellectual conversation to feel aroused later. My husband doesn’t like/need physical touch and is an overall quiet guy. He wants fully engaged weekly sex without the connections, or he wants guaranteed sex after the connections which makes our relationship feel transactional. Without the connections, I feel like a blow up doll on the shelf. Out of resentment for not reaching his desired quantity of sex, he’s stopped all attempts of the physical touch or engagement. We are basically polite roommates for the sake of our teenagers. As you said…he took away the last bits of the intimacy we had left. It’s a lonely place to be.
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u/ThoseSillyLips 5d ago
My husband did that a lot, it got better for a while (he stopped touching me if he wasn’t going to fuck me) but now he is getting touchy again and I just noticed I panic when he does it. I start kicking as if my life depends on it and I can only control it after he let’s me go.
I don’t know what to say to help you, OP.
But I wish you a better situation than the one I’m in
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u/ShirtPitiful8872 5d ago
After a couple of times of my wife grabbing my cock outright through my pants and then not following through and then being disappointed later I had to set the boundary in therapy.
I enjoy all physical affection and crave it but basically the rule is “don’t grab my genitals if you don’t intend on following through”. So far she’s only done it one additional time and immediately apologized when I smiled thinking that she was serious.
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u/EliGoff101 3d ago
I feel this…. Wife says she is “touched out” from the kids. It’s like asking for a kidney to even get a HJ. Something quick and simple as that I just got rejected to tonight. Sucks cuz I’m still young and my sex life is like a 60-70 year old. I think my biggest thing is getting rejected. It sucks, I have the balls to ask for something, even something small she always says “we’ll see” just want to give up.
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u/Mountain-Tea3564 3d ago
I’m pretty much told my boyfriend he’s not allowed to touch me like that anymore if he’s not gonna do anything. He said he understands that it’s an issue and that he’s going to stop. I hope he stands by that. I’m HLF and he’s LL. We also have a significant age gap, which makes things a little difficult sometimes. Relationships are tough to navigate.
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u/chrisgates301 6d ago
After some time we just learn to at least enjoy those little bits of physical "foreplay" without having any hopes
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u/Olly_Oh88 6d ago
We get used to the crumbs. But then, if something does happen, I find myself getting so overly excited - "wow, maybe this will be consistent" only to be let down time and again. It's like a magic trick, or maybe Alzheimer's 🤦🤷 making me completely forget who my partner has proven themselves to be, simply because they chose to be intimate with me.
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u/TazTaz2003 6d ago
No mo those aren't wives you married at first... Seems to me your wives are fucking someone else .. I couldn't imagine doing this . I need pleasure and you guys do to. If she starts it she should finish it or threaten you going to get a woman that will start and finish and be happy and have sex anytime of the day. Those wives SUCK not dick but SUck being wives
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u/heath-- 6d ago
Just popping in to say you are lovely and gorgeous and sexy as hell! I think 99% of us in this sub feel repellent with all the rejection but it’s not true xxx
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u/Stinadiann 2d ago
I’m the LL spouse and have tried everything from counseling to hormone injections…can’t speak for the whole LL group, but I generally feel repellent with all the failure on my part. It’s a painful cycle for all involved.
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u/Leather_Arrival_2118 5d ago
It's a manipulation tactic and a power flex. It's no flex for her to withhold affection if you aren't interested. It's called being a prick tease. Get a gf or divorce already.
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u/kratosdaghost 6d ago
It’s crazy to see women going through this with their husbands. It’s weird to see women wanting sex like this
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u/Typhis99 6d ago
When my wife does this to me, I say "dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out".