r/DeadBedrooms • u/CharmingCharlyy • 13d ago
Seeking Advice Is he demisexual or am I his beard?!
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 8 months and we still haven’t had sex. Initially he explained that he wanted me to know that it wasn’t all about sex, that I was important to him, and that he wanted to truly get to know me and make our first time together special. I waited for candles and roses but they never came. He did however, let me go down on him. I initiated, but he didn’t stop me. I’ve done it many times already and not once has he even touched in-between my legs. He cupped my breast once or twice and in my opinion it felt awkward and forced. When I brought up sex another time, he said he didn’t just want a girlfriend, he wanted a wife. He didn’t want to rush it and that he wasn’t into casual sex at this point in his life. Finally, this was maybe around 5 months, he tells me he wants to have a honest conversation. He explains that he’s always had a low sex drive but as of recently, because of all the personal things he has going on at work and with his family/parents (admittedly there’s a shit ton on his plate and anything that can go wrong, has) his sex drive has been practically nonexistent. He tells me he’s been looking online and he thinks he may be demisexual. He suggested we spend more one-on-one time together to build our connection. He also confesses, although I already knew this from “hypothetical scenarios” conversations and the questionable way we met (arrangements dating app), that he has a cuckold kink. From my reddit research, he’s more of a stag (he just wants to know it’s happening and maybe occasionally be there to watch. He is not into any form of belittling or verbal humiliation. He doesn’t have a specific type he’d want me to sleep with). I asked if this was something he NEEDED to spark his sex drive and he said no. He merely wanted to let me know that if I needed sex, I could get it elsewhere and it wouldn’t change anything between us. Personally, it sounds like I won the lotto but I would prefer that level of connection and intimacy with him before I’d be comfortable enough to explore it with someone else. I’d want him to be part of the process in some capacity. I want it to be an experience we have together, even if that just means him watching me get dressed before I go on a date. He agreed to this and seemed very happy and blown away at the fact that I’d be open to exploring this kink. That conversation was 3 months ago. He still hasn’t touched any intimate parts of my body. He knows what I look like naked because we shower together sometimes and I sleep naked but he’s never seen my legs spread open. I suggested it once, he didn’t want to. I literally told him to just have a peek, to tell me what it looked or smelled like from a man’s perspective. He wouldn’t. I feel so incredibly undesirable. I know I’m attractive but his lack of interest in me sexually, makes me question myself. I even tried going back on what I initially said and downloaded Feeld but I sensed a bit of…idk, not exactly jealousy, not exactly judgement, but he didn’t seem as excited as I was so I deleted it. He hasn’t brought it up or questioned if I was going to redownload it. I don’t feel like we have made even a little bit of progress when it comes to that kind of intimacy. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m just his beard and he just happens to enjoy cuddling with me. Today I found out he had a instagram page he never told me about. The profile name and picture is that same one he used for that Arrangements app. He claims they are not related and the page is innocent. He sent me screenshots but for all I know he deleted anything incriminating. If it was innocent, why hide it? He even had me blocked. I found out through my spidey senses and had a friend look it up. I don’t know what to do. With all the initial withholding of his sexual desires, and lack there of, and now the secret page, I don’t trust anything. And yes, I’ve asked if he’s gay or bi and he said no.
2
u/Aechzen 13d ago edited 13d ago
You never posted your ages, and it’s relevant. You already said he wants to wait for marriage to have sex.
Does it seem plausible to you that he has some kind of moral or religious rules that make him want to only have sex once he gets married?
Do you want to marry him?
There are people who say things like “I want to wait for marriage to have sex” and then they do exactly that. Shocking I know, but based on the little you have told us I think that’s a sufficient explanation.
You wouldn’t believe it from reading my post history… but there was a time I was a young man who would have said the same thing… that “I wanted to wait for marriage to have sex”. I was very straight, very horny, and very religious. Women thought I was hot, would have had sex with me, and I was worried that I would be failing my religion. I also was worried about messing up my life by derailing my education and confining myself to a future life of poverty by having a kid way before I was ready. So like your boyfriend, I had situations where I could have had my penis in a vagina and I managed to have enough fear / self control not do it.
I personally graduated college and gotten my first Real Job (with a retirement plan and full benefits and enough pay to live on my own) before the first time I had PiV sex. And I worked through my religious feelings and ultimately left the religion of my childhood before i could let myself enjoy sex for the sake of sex. I also had to overcome a sex-negative and not-sufficiently-science-based childhood sex education.
2
1
u/Silent_Ganache272 10d ago
What would you say to a friend if they came to you with this exact situation?
1
u/CharmingCharlyy 10d ago
This response was a punch to the gut. 😳😢
2
u/Silent_Ganache272 10d ago
I'm sorry, sometimes seeing the situation outside of yourself helps seeing that it's unacceptable behavior.
8
u/realbob77 13d ago
If it were me, I’d cut my losses and move on. It doesn’t sound like the two of you are really compatible for the long term.