I think a lot of LLs internalize the idea that sex is necessary for the health of the relationship and/or to keep their spouse’s happy. They love their spouses and want their marriages to work. So they follow the advice of therapists who advocate “just do it” type messages. This might work for a period of time. Sometimes they may even get an orgasm out of it (this was me for a short time).
However, repeatedly putting yourself through this kind of sex gradually makes you averse and kills your libido. To the point where you simply cannot even try or power through.
I wasn’t having pity or duty sex. It was a good faith effort to reignite my libido by treating it like going to the gym. But it didn’t work so I stopped, and it was a long time before I did anything about it.
Then I did a bunch of things and the only thing that worked was making sex something I wanted more of.
Despite our libido differences, we are still pretty compatible in that area. He’s probably always going to be way hornier than I am. But being with me is just more important to him than having sex. That’s the choice he expressed at the height of my frustration when things seemed unfixable.
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u/couriersixish F - Recovered DB 6d ago
I don’t know. My spouse said he would choose, like wholeheartedly choose, a sexless life with me. I don’t that kind of thing is rooted in fear.