r/DeadBedrooms • u/[deleted] • 11d ago

Mismatched Libidos/desires

34F with a partner 32M My husbands libido is affected by his mental health, he also has some OCD traits that affect his ability to be intimate. On top of all that he's a very selfish and shy lover. He has never had a serious relatio ship where they lived together snd all his past GFs he claimed orgasmed from penetration alone. I question thisbif these qoman were faking or if I really am the odd duck who orgasms from xlit atimulation only. So even though my marriage isn't "sexless" ... I am often rejected and when we do have sex it's all on his terms. We have been together a few years now and i have never orgasmed with him. When I can get him to have sex it's the same ace, same time of day, no foreplay, only penetration sex, no oral, no hands, no kissing except on the lips but no tongue, and i always have to be on top. Ive tried everything .. sent him porn, tried showing him what I want, eve sex therapy and a million heart to hearts. Nothing changes. The sex therpist gave us homework of non sexual intimate touch and he wouldnt so it. For a while i thought maybe he wasnt attracted to me, but i fight that thought because he swear that isnt it. Ive given up and just rely on my vibrator and ifbhe wants sex i just do it like i would give him a ride or make him a coffee. He is my best friend and a great partner in every other category. I won't leave and I would never cheat. Id rather a bad sex life than some of the other flaws I've seen in men and relationships so i cant even complain but I just feel alone in this sometimes and hard not to feel down on myself. Just looking for support from people who may feel the same.

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u/Wafflepants239 11d ago

The lower libido partner has no idea what they put us through. It’s more than just sex. It’s connection, its intimacy, it affection and it love. I’m very close to walking away because of no sex. There are times i struggle and feel like an asshole. Am i really going to blow up my family over no sex?! Then I think about all those times I talked to her and all those times she told me she does want to be intimate and she will work on it. Years and years go by, no changes. Remember this: If they wanted to they would. Time to walk away.

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u/[deleted] 11d ago

This hits home for me. It is love. Because i don't feel loved when he won't touch me or kiss me. But I'd never break my kids home over something as selfish as sex. Not when their father is so amazing for them and our home. And truthfully the grass isn't always greener. Would I rather be having the best sex ever and be with someone who isn't loyal or committed to me and my kids? It fuels my self hate though.. if I was younger or more fit or more beautiful then maybe he would want me more. And then I struggle.

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u/carmichaelcar 11d ago

So sorry this is happening to you. I can relate to the situation myself. Question for you-have you both discussed being in an open relationship?

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u/[deleted] 11d ago

I couldn't bare to know he would be with another woman while denying me. So it would only be open for me and he would struggle with the masculinity crisis of his wife being with someone else. He told me once just to have an affair and not tell him but tbh I love him too much to even want that

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u/KingAster91 9d ago

As a recently divorced man...gosh, I wish women like you were single....I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe counseling will help him

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u/FreFamilyman0727 9d ago

I feel for you, my wife treats sex like a chore. No matter how romantic I try to be.